DS being cruel to DGD

[UnhappyNana]

I live in U.K., my son lives in NZ.
We had a silly row over the ‘phone in 2009; the sort you think “how did that happen ?” I tried to make peace several times, but he didn’t want to know.

In 2014, he told my brother that he’d had a daughter with his partner; DB told me, but DS still didn’t want to know me. It was upsetting, but there was nothing I could do.
In Dec 2024, I got a text message out of the blue from DS. My 10 year-old DGD had apparently been nagging her Dad about getting in touch as she wanted to get to know me.
DS & I e-mailed regularly after that.He sent pics, told me about DGD, & then DGD & I started e-mailing using DS’s account.

It might sound a bit silly, but I fell in love with her. Nagging/persuading her Dad to get in touch with her DGM ! A peacemaker at 10 years old.

Anyway, DS wanted to use whatsapp, but I never agreed to it. He persisted, & I told him that I had arthritis in my hands that makes using a small keyboard or touch-screen difficult, slow, & full of typos.And also I’ve gone deaf, & avoid using the ‘phone as I cannot hear or understand very well.
He has stopped her using his e-mail account, but refuses to set up a separate account for her because ”she’s a child”. But she must have a ‘phone if he wanted us to use whatsapp, so why the reluctance for e-mail?
I suggested he set up an account for her on his computer & monitored it closely.
He hasn’t responded to my recent e-mails.
DGD thinks that Nana doesn’t want to talk to her, & is very upset. I don’t know what DS has said to her, but I doubt it’s accurate.
DGD splits her time between her parents, who have separated but live quite close to each other. I have no contact with her Mum, & doubt she would help as she was compliant in NC. My DB died, so he can’t intercede.

I’m so unhappy, & don’t know what I can do.My DS is being so cruel to his daughter.Her maternal GM died before she was born, maternal GF isn’t interested, she has one aunt who lives very far away.
So, she’s basically just got 2 parents who hate each other & no other relatives in contact.

I know the name of her school, & could in theory e-mail them, but I’m not sure if that would be a good idea. Or if they could or would actually do anything.I could include a letter to DGD to tell her that Nana loves her & ask the school to pass it on.

WWYD ?

I would use whatsapp - you can install the app on an ipad/tablet and link it to your phone and then just message there using a large screen/keyboard attachment. On my ipad it operates very similar to email.

I agree with this. OP needs to make the effort here. My MIL was picky about how / when to contact her DGSs and refused whatsapp, visits only within narrow window, no phonecalls etc (bizarre). My kkds don’t really have contact with her now they are older bdcause they took all of that as being lack of interest/ commitment.

How do you know the DGD is upset if you’ve had no contact and your brother is dead?

Use WhatsApp.

But you really need to calm down a bit. You’re devastated, but she won’t be. To her, you’re someone she emails every now and then. You’re her grandparent in name only - there’s no deep lasting bond there at the moment.

Use WhatsApp but don’t go emailing her school.

Use WhatsApp on your computer. Honestly, children don't use email for social interactions. WhatsApp is the way forward.

So I guess it's the highway since you've made it a your way or the highway situation.

Going to her school about contact would be dropping a nuke into your relationship with your son and granddaughter.

"I don’t know what DS has said to her, but I doubt it’s accurate."

You sure are quick to libel your son.

It's his kid, he calls the shots.

I can't even remember when I last used email privately, and I'm 47. WhatsApp (including on the laptop) and Messenger.

You’ve misunderstood what WhatsApp is, I think, so assumed it’s a problem when it isn’t.
With WhatsApp you can dictate messages, type messages on a linked laptop, send short recordings of your voice, do video calls, though you may not hear well. You’ll be able to see her and she can show you things. It does everything email does, and more.

Did you ask him why he wanted to switch?

You could look at this free service @UnhappyNana

As many have said you can use watsapp on a tablet, use the voice notes, you can get a keyboard to attach to your table or use a touchscreen pen to use to write, key with. Loads of options.

It sounds like you want things on your terms and your son sees the inflexibility as unacceptable to him. It is harsh to say, but if you really want to make this happen, you will. Sometimes people need to see actions to know that they are loved and cared for.

I use whatsapp on my laptop, easy peasy

@UnhappyNana

I am deaf and type with one finger due to issues with my hands and I hate change.

BUT I use WhatsApp and find it easier to type using WhatsApp .

I am always very reluctant to use anything new as I hate technology - are you similar?

If so, can you get someone to put WhatsApp on your phone for you and laptop and show you how it works? I use Siri to type for me or auto text .

Once you have the hang of it I am sure it will make communication a lot easier than email.

This is not really about WhatsApp vs email is it? Its is about you and your behaviour.

You write off the initial estrangement as a 'silly row' but it was enough to lead to NC. You tried to apologize, suggesting you were at fault for the row. You have shown yourself to be inflexible in how you feel things need to be done, and I wonder if this repeats earlier experiences he had with you.

You are now spinning a dramatic narrative with you as the wronged victim. I suspect this, rather than anything you said in this situation, is what has led to the new estrangement.

DGD thinks that Nana doesn’t want to talk to her, & is very upset. I don’t know what DS has said to her, but I doubt it’s accurate.

You cannot know this if she has not told you this directly. Similarly, the dig at your son is very telling. Are you someone who seeks out drama? If so, he may be backing off because he cannot deal with it.

My DS is being so cruel to his daughter.

This is not cruelty. In his position, protecting his daughter is his duty and if he feels he cannot deal with being in contact with you because of your behaviour, why on earth would he allow you to be in contact with her?

I know the name of her school, & could in theory e-mail them, but I’m not sure if that would be a good idea. Or if they could or would actually do anything.I could include a letter to DGD to tell her that Nana loves her & ask the school to pass it on.

If you do this, fully expect to never hear from him again. The fact you are even considering it shows that you would benefit from learning about healthy boundaries and how not to cross them.

What’s app is an instant messaging service, you don’t need to be able to hear to use it.

furthermore you can get it on a computer so it’s just like typing on an email.

@Hotflushesandchilblains totally agree with your summation of what is, actually, happening here.

I’m sorry you’re deaf. You can use WhatsApp as a deaf person. It’s text messages. Voice notes if you can speak. But it’s mainly a messaging platform and I would embrace this in your shoes. Don’t let a power struggle with your son get in the way of your grand daughter

You appear to be fabricating a narrative of your heartbroken DGD and her unreasonable father here, yet I cannot see any proof of this tbh Unless I am missing something here, your granddaughter has never met you? Has simply exchanged a few emails. However nice it has been for her to connect with you as extended family, I think you are over exaggerating the impact this is likely to have made on her
The fact that you are even contemplating
contact with her school beggars belief. The lack of appropriate boundaries is so incredible here that it calls into question your behaviour overall
Now you’ve had some tech help, WhatsApp should be doable for you. Time to back down and agree I’m afraid. You don’t hold any of the cards in this negotiation I’m afraid

Agree and thr fact they only had first contact 4 months ago?..

Fuck me how many times do posters need to repeat “you can use WhatsApp on a laptop!!!!”
We’re 3 pages in. She gets it. She’s deaf not blind.

There's none so blind as them who will not see.........

If you can type here you can use WA
However, the way you describe your son and your idea of contacting your GD's school might give an insight into why your son reacted as he did.