Broken relationship, what to do

[FancyMauveDreamer]

My DP and I have our own places (2 hours apart) and he stays at mine quite a lot. I have a DC so can’t stay at his.

He came here Sunday night with the intention of staying for a week. Last night I was talking to him when he picked up his phone, so I stopped talking. He then rolled his eyes and said, “whatever”. He’s on his phone A LOT and I’ve previously explained how shitty it feels for him to be scrolling on his phone when I’m talking to him, so this isn’t a one-off. I developed the strategy of stopping talking when he touches his phone but now he gets annoyed when I do this.

Later in bed we had a big argument. I tried to tell him how I was feeling and he got angry, even raised his voice. I just wanted him to hold me cos I was upset. We went to sleep angry and upset.

This morning, he got up before me, and I got up as he was getting dressed. No “good morning” or kiss etc. He then mumbled, “I’m going out” and left. I’ve previously told him I feel anxious and on edge when I have no idea when to expect him home (I’m autistic) and he’d agreed to be mindful of this. But now he’s done it again.

When he left, I called him and asked him to come back to talk. He said he has to be somewhere. I told him to just come and get his stuff and go back to his, cos I’m not spending the rest of my day anxious etc. He said he’ll do it in 2 hours and go home.

We then argued and he said I’m weaponising my home, as if he’s some bum without a place of his own. He got offended that I’m “kicking him out”. I told him I can’t live with an insensitive, uncaring person and he said we won’t ever be living together, meaning we’re done with the relationship.

I feel so broken. My DC will be devastated as she’s become very fond of him. All I wanted was some affection and now it looks like it’s ending. He’s due home in about 45 minutes. I don’t want him to go, I just want him to hold me. What do I do.

It sounds like you love him alot but please don’t stay with him for the sake of your Dd. Better you are happy as you are the main person in her life. She will get over him.
when he comes back try and talk to him in a calm and clear way, because I think there are more issues here that you haven’t stated. Good luck!

I do love him a lot, which is why this hurts so much. It hurts when it feels like he’s shutting me out and it hurts to think we won’t be together. I don’t know what to do.

He was supposed to be home about half an hour ago but he’s not here. And he didn’t text/call to update me. So disrespectful.

I wish I had a button to switch off feelings for him.

I do think he’s playing games with you and I don’t think he will go tbh. He does hold all the power though it seems. Don’t message him and chase him, he will eventually come back one way or another.
Do you think there’s something going on, is this unusual behaviour for him?

I don’t know, he doesn’t seem to be the type to play games. I spent 10 years in an abusive marriage with a manipulative narcissist and this one doesn’t seem like that.

I think he’s just thoughtless and lacks empathy. If he thinks something is unimportant, and I think it’s, he thinks I’m making a big deal out of small issues. He really thinks it’s normal to be looking at his phone when I’m talking. He thinks it’s fine to turn up at whatever time he chooses, even if it’s later than what he told me. He says he’s not doing anything wrong, so what’s the big deal.

The other week I spontaneously went out after an argument. I didn’t tell him where I was going. He didn’t call me while I was out. I was gone for hours.

I posted on your other thread OP.
From what you said about him on that the relationship sounds very one sided. He has little consideration for your feelings and it cane over he was using you as a convenience.

I'm sorry but I do feel finishing the relationship would be best for you because I can't see him changing.
And he is obviously causing you so much upset with his attitude and behaviour.

I think you’re right. He’s now over an hour late with no updates, so he clearly has no care for me. I can’t cope with this.

It’s a lack of respect for you - for your time and your feelings. He doesn’t care if he’s upset you and won’t make up with you. He’s leaving you distraught. Doesn’t sound like this has been a good relationship for a long time.

In his opinion, he can do what he likes, your feelings don't matter, and when you pull him up on his behaviour he says that he's done nothing wrong. He isn't going to change.

Sorry.

He's probably doing it on purpose because he knows it bothers you. It didn't bother him when you did the same because he doesn't really care where you are, he knows he has the upper hand because you're more into him (that's how it sounds, of course I don't know either of you). I really don't think this is the relationship for you. You need someone caring and patient and nurturing.

Op he is telling you without saying it, he has all the control here, let him, he will be waiting for a rampage of txt and calls from you, please don't,
If he wants to walk let him, please don't beg him

He’s still not home. Almost 3 hours later than he said.

I’m definitely not going to call him now. If he leaves, good riddance. His loss. All I wanted was love, affection and security. I didn’t let a man into my life to be hurt and disrespected.

How can a man at 11:20 say, “I’ll be home in about 2 hours” and now it’s almost 5pm and he hasn’t called or texted. This is a man who I’ve told I’m autistic and can’t cope with uncertainty.

Evil. I’m done. I feel like packing all his stuff and leaving them outside.

He is doing it on purpose. He wants to break you.

pack his stuff up, leave it outside and lock the doors.

You sound like very, very different people.
You are very sensitive.
He sounds very insensitive and self-absorbed.
However, in terms of timing and anxiety around it, the only timescale you can control is your own.
Luckily my OH is like me around it. When he says he will be home in 10 minutes, he means it.
But some people don’t. Some just are lax around it, the question is, is this man doing it to be unkind.
I suspect he is.
And give yourself some space. Also - while we can want affection, love and support I have learned we can’t demand it. Let someone offer it freely because they want to.
(Not judging, just learned the above after many experiences!)

I’m definitely very sensitive. He learnt this early on in our relationship and it’s something I’ve always openly admitted to. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I get upset by things which he doesn’t consider important. He needs to either be accommodating to this or walk away.

OP it's not about being autistic - his behaviour would make most people anxious and unsettled. Lack of empathy is a big deal - and I think you have to start reminding yourself that the person you love no longer exists, if he ever did.

You would not treat your worst enemy like this, and yet he is doing this to you. He doesn't love you, he only loves himself, and he is using whatever tactics he can to pull you back into line - into doing whatever he wants, and disregarding your own needs in the process.

He actually is another abuser. Just not the same type as the previous one.

He is abusing you, but not in the same way as your previous one. It's psychological control. He knows what you need and is deliberately withholding it to make you anxious.

Definitely pack his things up and leave them outside. If he has a key, you should ask for it back, but think about changing the locks.

He’s still not home. I wonder if this is him punishing me for telling him to get his stuff and go home.

May I ask how long you have been seeing him? These type of people don't usually show their true selves until after the 6 to 9 month mark, then the mask starts to slip.

He has you knotted up with anxiety. What could you do to distract yourself from waiting for him Im the meantime? Could you pop on a good series on netflix? Or call a friend and have a catch up? Maybe put some of your favourite music on and dance?

We’ve been together about 16 months. DC just called him on her iPad cos she said she hasn’t spoken to him all day. Ugh this has just shaken my resolve, she really is fond of him and will be so upset.

He was in a restaurant with his friends.

With kindness op why have you let your dd get so close to someone in a relatively new relationship? Really you should be in control of her iPad usage and she should not have called him tbh. You need to put a strong boundary down there.

Unfortunately, everything you’ve listed here about him suggests he’s just… crap! But you can’t see it, somehow - even though you’ve just written it all down.

I know it’s hard but, in the long term, you are much better off without him.

Your later posts suggest that your main focus is on him, where he’s got to and what he’s doing. Focus on YOURSELF and forget about the bloody idiot.

I'm sorry if your dc are fond of him OP and will be upset.
But he is treating you like dirt tbh .
He doesn't care about you or your feelings. And he is not a decent or good man.
You really should end this relationship. Ultimately that is best for your dc as well: seeing their mother treated so appallingly is not good for them.

It was stupid of me to let her get so close to him. He just seemed like such a great guy (and in many areas he is) and I’m too trusting of people generally.

okay to play devil’s advocate here (and I’m going on this post alone, I’ve not read anything else from you). You’ve told him to come back to collect his stuff and go, so maybe he’s decided that he doesn’t want the argument and has went home without collecting his stuff. Totally reasonably, especially if your child is at home.

The disagreement about the phone was minor, but seems to have escalated to such an extent that you’re both in bed mad at each other and you ‘just want him to hold’ you. Sorry, I really don’t mean to sound harsh but that does come across as quite needy. It also doesn’t allow him to have any feelings or to express any feelings because overall you think he needs to be there for your comfort, security, wellbeing. Again, unhealthy and unrealistic.

Allow some time to cool off. You’ve now described his actions as ‘evil’ which seems OTT and tensions are obviously high.

For future conflicts though I do think you need to remember that people aren’t mind readers, people are allowed to have feelings and express them. If he’s not giving you what you need then move on - but give yourself time to think rather than reacting because you’re emotional