Broken relationship, what to do

[FancyMauveDreamer]

My DP and I have our own places (2 hours apart) and he stays at mine quite a lot. I have a DC so can’t stay at his.

He came here Sunday night with the intention of staying for a week. Last night I was talking to him when he picked up his phone, so I stopped talking. He then rolled his eyes and said, “whatever”. He’s on his phone A LOT and I’ve previously explained how shitty it feels for him to be scrolling on his phone when I’m talking to him, so this isn’t a one-off. I developed the strategy of stopping talking when he touches his phone but now he gets annoyed when I do this.

Later in bed we had a big argument. I tried to tell him how I was feeling and he got angry, even raised his voice. I just wanted him to hold me cos I was upset. We went to sleep angry and upset.

This morning, he got up before me, and I got up as he was getting dressed. No “good morning” or kiss etc. He then mumbled, “I’m going out” and left. I’ve previously told him I feel anxious and on edge when I have no idea when to expect him home (I’m autistic) and he’d agreed to be mindful of this. But now he’s done it again.

When he left, I called him and asked him to come back to talk. He said he has to be somewhere. I told him to just come and get his stuff and go back to his, cos I’m not spending the rest of my day anxious etc. He said he’ll do it in 2 hours and go home.

We then argued and he said I’m weaponising my home, as if he’s some bum without a place of his own. He got offended that I’m “kicking him out”. I told him I can’t live with an insensitive, uncaring person and he said we won’t ever be living together, meaning we’re done with the relationship.

I feel so broken. My DC will be devastated as she’s become very fond of him. All I wanted was some affection and now it looks like it’s ending. He’s due home in about 45 minutes. I don’t want him to go, I just want him to hold me. What do I do.

I hope his bags are outside waiting for him. Let this one go…he’s not worth it

He's in a restaurant with friends while you're worried about him. He doesn't care about your feelings. Show your daughter how women can be strong and independent and let this one go.

This his your second update this week. This sounds like either a terrible relationship or you like the drama. You posted earlier in the week that he should have arrived at yours at 11pm and didn’t turn up until 3am and now this update seems a contradiction?
why do you put up with it?

You posted on Monday to say he’d rolled in at 3:30am Monday morning. So is that the case or did he arrive as planned on Sunday?

Not sure where the contradiction is. He’s been here since Sunday night/early Monday morning. It was only about 3.5 hours into Monday so in my mind it was Sunday night, my bad.

Why do I put up with it. I’m not sure. I think because he has other good qualities and I love him. We’re good most of the time. He’s made changes before when I’ve raised things. He’s a masculine, provider, protective kind of man and in that sense I feel safe with him. He’s not controlling or possessive like my ex. He doesn’t belittle or intimidate me like my ex did. He’s quite generous with finances and pays for everything that my child needs, and helps with my expenses despite having his own flat.

I just wish he was more caring emotionally.

I just wish he was more caring emotionally.

You can indulge yourself all you like if you choose but you cannot make him care for you, emotionally or otherwise.

I put it to you that you'd feel infinitely better if you put yourself first and kicked him to the kerb.

Pack his stuff and read Women Who Love Too Much would be my strong suggestion.

I don't know OP.
On the one hand he treats your feelings like dirt and doesn't care about you
.
But on the other you stick up for him and say he "makes you feel safe"

You can't have it both ways.

You are an adult . You can weigh up which is the most important in your life: the negatives which you have posted 2 threads about , or the positive which you are obviously determined to see in him.

At the end of the day it's your call. Do the positives which you seem determined to see outweigh the deliberate disregard of your feelings?
Only you can decide whether his dismissive and uncaring attitude to you is worth putting up with and whether this unequal relationship is worth persevering with.

I don’t know how you can feel safe with someone who tramples over your emotions. He’s not good for your mental health,

I just wish he was more caring emotionally

Yes. I'm also autistic and I recognise you in myself.

But his behaviour towards you today has surely shown you that he fully understands this need in you, and if perfectly willing to trample on it.

He punished you today and enjoyed doing so.

Please end this now. You and your child deserve better.

Totally agree with @ChristmasFluff.

You’ve told him to come and get his stuff, he’s clearly realised it’s over and can’t be bothered coming to get his items tonight. He doesn’t owe you an explanation if you are over. Please seek some therapy and wait a while before your next relationship. You are too sensitive and needy to be in one.

Exactly
Awful.
have you got any friends @FancyMauveDreamer?
You seem way to forcus on him.
Find your anger.
Get rid.

My closest friends are in my home city, from which I moved away a few years ago, so I don’t get to see them much anymore. I’ve struggled to make new friends cos I’m a bit socially awkward and it feels like a lot of effort. I’ve joined various groups for activities I enjoy, met people who I’ve then met up with separately but then it fizzled out. Currently there’s only one who I meet regularly.

I think there’s something wrong with me but I’m not sure what. Obviously being autistic doesn’t help, I’m sensitive and maybe needy as someone here said. So perhaps his reaction is due to my behaviour, not cos he’s evil. Maybe he just needed to get away from me.

He came home at 12.30am, started packing his stuff and I told him to stop making a racket as I’m trying to sleep, get in bed and we can talk in the morning. He was scrolling on his phone until at least 4am and is now still sleeping.

He’s told me previously about horrendous childhood traumas (but didn’t go into a lot of details) and how he uses the phone as a coping mechanism. He usually struggles to sleep and scrolls on his phone until he falls asleep, which I’ve explained is not helpful due to the blue light messing with his circadian rhythm etc. He says I don’t understand what he goes through mentally but I think there are more healthy ways to cope, surely.

I don’t know how to act with him when he wakes up. What do I do if he starts packing. I definitely won’t be begging him to stay as my ego won’t allow it, but on reflecting on some of the comments here and on my previous post, I do think I’m partly responsible for this mess. I’ve really hurt his ego by telling him to pack his stuff yesterday. I don’t know what to do.

He’s not controlling or possessive like my ex. He doesn’t belittle or intimidate me like my ex did I'm sorry OP but this is the absolute bare minimum. It sounds like you would be better to work on yourself and see why you feel you only deserve the minimum in relationships. No judgement as I've been there. I thought people I have previously involved with were great because they didn't beat, rape and abuse me like my ex. It wasn't until I'd spent a lot of time single and working in myself that I was ready to be in a good relationship.

It also sounds like you two have totally different ways of communicating and dealing with issues. You also seem to be almost mothering him a bit, talking to him about blue light being unhelpful, trying to "train him" for want of a better phrase any time he touches his phone. I find myself scrolling at all times as I have PTSD and often wake throughout the night, it allows me a distraction. My partner understands this and genuinely just checks I'm ok like any loving partner would.

You both sound incompatible and you clearly don't understand each other. I'd not bother wasting any more time together to be totally honest.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.
But let him go. He isn't kind to you and he doesn't accommodate any of your reasonable requests.

Are you familiar with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

link here

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne
I’d not heard of that before but damn, it describes me to a tee. I do have ADHD traits too but was never assessed for it. I definitely react strongly to feeling rejected, e.g. him briefly looking at his phone while I was talking blew up into this, cos I interpreted it as he’s not interested in me, which hurt.

It’s been on my radar for a while to get therapy but I never got round to it. I think now is the time. The irony is, if I leave him I won’t be able to afford it 🤦‍♀️ Though I don’t think it’s wise of me to leave him now anyway, as I’m not emotionally stable enough to make that decision, especially given the impact it will have on my daughter.

I really appreciate everyone’s input, thank you all so much.

I mean this kindly op I promise but your posts read as all your needs and anxiety and almost 'rules' it sounds like he also has alot of emotional baggage and the two combinations may conflict. Have you looked at both your attachment styles ? Sounds like you are anxious and he is avoidant. We all know being on your phone until 4am isn't healthy but doing things like telling him won't help infact the opposite. You have to have a really long think about how you can either work together healthily or separate. I hope things are less stressful for you this morning.

Why did you stop him packing? Let him leave. You're just showing him that he can treat you in ways that upset you, so of course he won't suddenly stop doing them and start caring about you.

I think if I don’t try to resolve things in a healthy way and leave him now, I’ll regret it. He’s so much better than my ex in many ways, and doesn’t have most of the traits other women complain about. Obviously I can’t ignore the fact that two of his behaviours upset me, but I need to work out to what extent these are my issues and not his.

He’s still asleep but I know he’ll be open to conversation and therapy. We had two therapy sessions before which helped but the therapist suddenly got admitted into hospital and we never resumed as things were going good. I think I need to find a therapist with experience in neurodivergence.

Trying to figure out how to start the conversation when he wakes up.

Yep, I'm sure conversation and therapy will fix it. Sounds like he'd be WELL up for that.

It's been 16 months and you're already looking at relationship therapy?
This guy is emotionally abusive. Get rid.

Read your previous threads.
You are really struggling.
Whilst nobody can entirely soothe your need for routine in terms of timings, they can certainly help.
This man is doing nothing.
Because he’s less ‘bad’ than other men and your daughter likes him, you are putting up with this shit.
You’ve been awake until the small hours because of him and then when you are up tearing yourself to shreds, he’s lying in your bed in your home asleep.
It does not matter if your child likes him if he’s treating you like this.
If you continue to tolerate this, it will get worse, not better.

This thread was a rollercoaster.

Why isnt he at work? I rest the other thread and see he has big chunks of time off, and clearly uses that time to go out a lot and very late. But it isnt acceptable to then be sleeping in until lunch time.

but i dont think your behaviour across both threads is good either.

'So much better than your ex' sounds like a very low bar to be honest OP. Why would you want to be with someone who is thoughtless and lacks empathy? Who isn't emotionally caring? Why be with someone who copes with stress with a phone addiction and is scrolling every time you speak and up with it till 4am.

Leave this one to his true love - his phone.

Find someone who communicates well, is thoughtful, treats you well and is genuinely interested in you. And keep your dd out of your relationships.