The messiest OLD story - am I mental?

[Orangebananas]

Buckle up...

In January, to appease my friend, I did a quick Hinge binge, and surprise, I met with a lovely guy. We had a great first date but I was going through the anniversary of a death and having a hard time...against my better judgement, I dropped the ball and disappeared on him. Fast forward two months and I realise what a pillock I've been, so I message him, apologise. He replies, takes me out for dinner the next day, we have a great time.

It's easy, no ambiguity, we see each other again. Fast forward 4 more great dates. There's tons of chemistry, we align on all the big stuff, and have a lot in common, we laugh all the time but he never kisses me. He doesn't drink and it doesn't bother me - you'll see why I'm shoehorning this in in a minute. I know he finds me reserved so I basically drop a hint and tell him he should make a move to give him the green flag.
At the end of our date he says we should have dinner at his next time, I agree.

Last date, we spend the afternoon together, have a great time. Eventually, we decide to go back to his and get dinner, on the way, we stop at the pub and he orders a...rum and coke. So I start to think maybe he's nervous? Then we get a couple of drinks from the supermarket and head to his. I think he's 100% nervous. He's never had a drink in front of me but suddenly he's 4 rum and cokes in?

Anyway we have a great time, chatting, listening to music, get into the nitty gritty about how he couldn't read me and didn't want to push things, I tell him I couldn't work it out blah blah blah. And then bam, he kisses me.

In the end, against my better judgment, we have sex. And it's great but the usual slightly awkward thing when you're getting to know each other but that chemistry kicked in hard.
The next morning we get up, have coffee, chat a bit and he drops me home. He doesn't try to kiss me, I vaguely suggested do something on the bank holiday because he told me he finds them long when you're single and everyone else's coupled up....

That evening, I text him, tell him I've had a great time with him and I find him so easy to be around, I ask him if he wants to keep doing this, but no pressure if he's not feeling it. He replies, tells me he had a good night, wants to keep going. I replied saying great asking about his day etc. Bet you saw this coming, no reply.

That was on Sunday night...silence since.

Some context -

• We're now 6 weeks deep
• I dont think either of us know, what the other wants, I know Im happy with how things are and I want to keep seeing him, and now, of course, I really like him. But I have no idea if he just wanted to hit it and quit (seems weird for 7 dates but whatever) or if he wants something more.
• He told me he paused hinge and isn't sleeping with anyone else - he knows the same for me.
• He has never been a great texter since Jan - doesn't really bother me that he drops off the radar for a couple days because he always pings back and does long interesting replies etc. But obviously I'm now feeling it because we slept together.
• In person it's always been amazing, I've literally never found a man this easy to be around and on my wave.

I almost NEVER have this kind of chemistry with anyone. And I cant work out what the fuck to do, or why when I gave him an out, he didn't take it?

I figure I have three options -

1. Leave it till Friday, see if he gets in touch and if he doesnt, hit him with the 'guessing you've done a 180, couldve taken honesty when I asked you on Sunday but anyway its been fun but Im not here for the slow fade' - this vein obviously not actually this
2. Just message him as normal and ask if he wants to do something - but this makes me feel like I'm chasing him
3. Nothing - let it sit in silence till he messages me, if he ever does. The thing I hate about this option is - part of me wonders if he's thinking the same thing and then if neither of us do anything we just miss out on something potentially great. Especially after he told me he finds me hard to read/reserved.

Mumsnet, I'm nearly 40 and too old for all of this. What should I do? Take the punt? Walk away?

I mean, you originally ghosted him so maybe he's doing it on purpose.

Either way, if a man likes you he makes the effort.

No good comes of chasing.

I thought the same thing as the first poster - you set the bar of this relationship when you disappeared off him with no explanation. He is now free to do likewise. He might still be on Friday, he might have disappeared for two months, he might be gone forever.
if he does text back/meet you need to have a talk about your ghosting, and start afresh.

It sounds like the old, old story I'm afraid - chasing you to the point of sex and then losing interest.

Don't waste ages trying to play the game of should I text him this, should I text him that, how long should I leave it, etc. If someone is genuinely interested, none of that matters, and if they are not interested, the exact wording and timing of your messages isn't going to magically change that.

Send him a straightforward message suggesting you meet, and if he doesn't reply or declines, there is your answer and you can move on.

Oh I mis-read - no date Friday. Then ball is in his court.

His usual pattern is to not text for a couple of days… this happened on Sunday and it’s now Wednesday morning and he was obviously nervous?

Youre obsessing and playing games - you might not mean to, but you’re making it all mean something that you don’t know is true.

Text him when you feel like it, then go and find something to occupy yourself.

Also, option 1 is somewhat passive aggressive and hypocritical since you did it to him?

It was bad form to ghost him back in January after one date, but I would argue that him doing so now – now you are several dates in and have slept together – is arguably much worse form.

Some women say it’s not worth it, but I tend to opt for option 1, because I don’t believe shitty men deserve the silent acceptance they are hoping for.

In light of how well the situation was going, I do hope he reappears and continues to be decent to you. However there’s acceptable bad texting and then there’s just being plain inconsiderate… do report back!

We've already discussed it, when we met up the first time I explained what was going on with me and he totally got it.

See below. We literally discussed it over a month ago and have moved on. It's not hypocritical given that I literally have given him the 'get out of jail' card and he said he wanted to continue dating and is now..silent.

Why should it be up to him to chase you? It's not the 1800s. Text him and find out what's happening. Maybe he thinks you're ghosting him again and wants to see how much effort you put in after you disappeared before.

I did also bring it up, and was honest with him about what I was going through and why I dropped the ball. I didn't just ignore my shitty behaviour and frankly after 1 date is very different from after 7 and sex.

Silent acceptance, agree and to be honest Im not sure I can bring myself to do it. I just dont think it'll get me anywhere.

But you're being silent too, like you did before.

Older dating is hideous. I tried it once and every sleazy old man on the planet crawled out of their holes, Jimmy Saville had nothing on them.
Ignore him unless he gets back to you. Never chase.

You're 100% on it - I cant be bothered with any of this.

Fair enough.

Having spent quite a few hours (let’s face it days) of my life spent pressing refresh on my phone, waiting and hoping for a text from a bloke - I made a decision a while ago that I’m never doing that again. It isn’t fun, I’m not sitting there happy and at peace whilst I wait. Then if they do text, that isn’t happiness, it’s just relief that the anxiety can go. So, my new rule is that if I’m not 100% sure they like me and want what I want, I will not allow my peace to be shattered and will just get on with my life.

Online. We're the same age.

Not really, I text him on Sunday, he replied, I text back.

Not sure how that's the same.

I think you should take option 2 and see what happens.

If I was on the other side of this...if I got reply (1), it would be a bit uncomfortable. If I really liked someone I might still try to salvage it but then would forever be questioning whether I replied fast enough in future, and replying becomes another chore to get done in time rather than something that comes naturally when you want to communicate and you have the space to do so in a busy life.

Option 2, if I was interested but not sure if the other person was, would make me very happy to receive your text and feel more comfortable that we are both in the same place. If I had just been too busy with other stuff, then would prompt a short reply to say so. If I wasn't interested then so be it, I wouldn't find it out if place. There is no circumstance where I would think "well I WAS really thinking this was a good thing but now that she's chasing me, I have gone off her". If you do it multiple times without reply then yes, but once is just normal.

Option 3 might work but as you said he might be thinking the same thing.

He gave you a chance. It's fair you give him a chance in return.

I'd probably message once, and then leave it till Friday.

Do you know why he doesn't drink? Does he have a problem?

I would be questioning why he went from no alcohol to a fair few drinks and was only physical with you during this time, was it Dutch courage or something more?

Six weeks is not long enough to know someone, you only know the person that they show you.

Also, I'd be concerned about the rum. (My mother was an alcoholic, though.)

I think leave it. I think the rum and cokes is weird.

Yes he told me back story to the no drinking. I too have the joy of alcoholism running through my family so wasn't sure.

I dont want to sound naive but I ALWAYS have men tell me they cant work me out/I seem reserved/ I have a wall up blah blah blah so I do genuinely think he was a nervous about testing the water.

I think I'm too in my own head about this. I'm just going to bloody text him as normal and ask if he wants to do something next week and see what gives. I cant be bothered with all the games and nonsense.

My honest thoughts are, when someone is that keen on you for a relationship/seeing each other , he would of contacted you to keep it going.
You clearly told him you’d like to keep seeing him and he’s shunned you. I would not be chasing him . Whether or not it was his purpose who knows, it happens a lot though that they suddenly lose interest after sleeping with you so don’t overthink what caused him to do it as often it’s for no apparent reason anyway, probably just lost interest.
If he suddenly does pop up again a few weeks later, this is where you need to be ruthless and tell him to do, yes you kind of did it but it’s not the same, it was one date and he’s behaving like this weeks later, don’t let it fall into a pattern.

I think the kissing thing is telling. When I've been on a date with someone I really fancy I just want to kiss them at any and every opportunity.

When I've dated guys that are nice enough but I don't really fancy, I've not been drawn to kiss them at all. I have slept with a couple though after a drink or 2, and it was perfectly nice sex.

I still didn't want to kiss them the next day though.