The messiest OLD story - am I mental?

[Orangebananas]

Buckle up...

In January, to appease my friend, I did a quick Hinge binge, and surprise, I met with a lovely guy. We had a great first date but I was going through the anniversary of a death and having a hard time...against my better judgement, I dropped the ball and disappeared on him. Fast forward two months and I realise what a pillock I've been, so I message him, apologise. He replies, takes me out for dinner the next day, we have a great time.

It's easy, no ambiguity, we see each other again. Fast forward 4 more great dates. There's tons of chemistry, we align on all the big stuff, and have a lot in common, we laugh all the time but he never kisses me. He doesn't drink and it doesn't bother me - you'll see why I'm shoehorning this in in a minute. I know he finds me reserved so I basically drop a hint and tell him he should make a move to give him the green flag.
At the end of our date he says we should have dinner at his next time, I agree.

Last date, we spend the afternoon together, have a great time. Eventually, we decide to go back to his and get dinner, on the way, we stop at the pub and he orders a...rum and coke. So I start to think maybe he's nervous? Then we get a couple of drinks from the supermarket and head to his. I think he's 100% nervous. He's never had a drink in front of me but suddenly he's 4 rum and cokes in?

Anyway we have a great time, chatting, listening to music, get into the nitty gritty about how he couldn't read me and didn't want to push things, I tell him I couldn't work it out blah blah blah. And then bam, he kisses me.

In the end, against my better judgment, we have sex. And it's great but the usual slightly awkward thing when you're getting to know each other but that chemistry kicked in hard.
The next morning we get up, have coffee, chat a bit and he drops me home. He doesn't try to kiss me, I vaguely suggested do something on the bank holiday because he told me he finds them long when you're single and everyone else's coupled up....

That evening, I text him, tell him I've had a great time with him and I find him so easy to be around, I ask him if he wants to keep doing this, but no pressure if he's not feeling it. He replies, tells me he had a good night, wants to keep going. I replied saying great asking about his day etc. Bet you saw this coming, no reply.

That was on Sunday night...silence since.

Some context -

• We're now 6 weeks deep
• I dont think either of us know, what the other wants, I know Im happy with how things are and I want to keep seeing him, and now, of course, I really like him. But I have no idea if he just wanted to hit it and quit (seems weird for 7 dates but whatever) or if he wants something more.
• He told me he paused hinge and isn't sleeping with anyone else - he knows the same for me.
• He has never been a great texter since Jan - doesn't really bother me that he drops off the radar for a couple days because he always pings back and does long interesting replies etc. But obviously I'm now feeling it because we slept together.
• In person it's always been amazing, I've literally never found a man this easy to be around and on my wave.

I almost NEVER have this kind of chemistry with anyone. And I cant work out what the fuck to do, or why when I gave him an out, he didn't take it?

I figure I have three options -

1. Leave it till Friday, see if he gets in touch and if he doesnt, hit him with the 'guessing you've done a 180, couldve taken honesty when I asked you on Sunday but anyway its been fun but Im not here for the slow fade' - this vein obviously not actually this
2. Just message him as normal and ask if he wants to do something - but this makes me feel like I'm chasing him
3. Nothing - let it sit in silence till he messages me, if he ever does. The thing I hate about this option is - part of me wonders if he's thinking the same thing and then if neither of us do anything we just miss out on something potentially great. Especially after he told me he finds me hard to read/reserved.

Mumsnet, I'm nearly 40 and too old for all of this. What should I do? Take the punt? Walk away?

Agree with this, just text him! You'll know either way then!

The kissing thing is defo in my head too. Just weird because after 7 dates, and a LOT of spicy flirting etc I knew he does fancy me.

I guess I'll ping him, leave it, boil it down to him being the hit and quit type. Shame.

This seems like such hard work for so early on.

I am a bit older that you, and it took me a long time to realize that if someone likes you enough, they will put in equal effort to see or speak to you.

Yes, you ghosted him previously (which you owned up to), and if this is now some type of game due to that, then let this one go.

Sadly it seems the same old case of, 'did the work, had sex and now I'll catch up with her when I want a repeat of that'....

Seems like he wants you super casual right now to me, I would think when the time comes you'll get a response but seems like an exclusive to each other fwb situation?

I wonder if he’s conflicted and needs to sort some things out. If he’s suddenly felt the need to drink to be with you then perhaps this has thrown him and he is thinking about the implications of this (as in, does he need to get help, go to a meeting etc and if it’s in that space then are you someone he should be around). I am not saying it is you, I am saying that it happens to be you (chemistry/ timing thing).

I am mid 50’s and met my OH mid 40s after being on my own for a long time because I could not be bothered with all the messing about.
Yes, you not contacting him wasn’t great but you didn’t ghost him. It’s not like what’s happening to you now.
The drink thing would have me running for the hills. It’s odd and having been around alcoholism I would wonder what on earth was going on.
You can sit there and talk until dawn but in my experience, it doesn’t mean anything if it’s not backed up by action.
I would not entertain him for a single second. No way would I be sitting wasting time wondering about what to say in a text.
He may get in touch, he may not, but I wouldn’t bother. I know it’s tough but six weeks in, you start to understand if you have similarities in terms of contact, when you speak, plans, even if it’s just meeting up again.
I never realised any of this until I met my OH and right from the off we spoke regularly, he didn’t rush me, but I knew what his intentions were.
Also I have realised with messaging, that the dopamine hit of receiving the message is sometimes more important than the person sending it!

Given that it's been going well and he initially gave you a chance, I would give him one more message. Don't overthink, just check in then you can say mentally that you've tried.

I wouldn't be best pleased at not having an answer over the weekend as I would want keenness if you'd made tentative weekend plans but as I say, see it as one apiece and move on either way. Either whether he gets back or doesn't.

Did he say he didn't drink btw or he just didn't drink for the first few dates without it being a thing? I'd find it straight he went from teetotal having a skinful before sex

Did his reason for not drinking make sense vis a vis the sudden downing of four rum and cokes before sex? That has all the hallmarks of trying to drum up courage to do something he might find distasteful or awkward...

This this is the best plan. From what you have said his communication style hasn’t really changed (and you seemed happy with it prior to the sex).

Think women do feel more emotionally attached after sex. It’s science. Men don’t get the same hormones and compartmentalise easier. I think you probably expected your relationship to have stepped up because of the connection you felt and are understandably disappointed but I wouldn’t overthink. One message later this week to suggest a specific plan and if no response then leave it. If he is ghosting you he will be back at some point. You can tell him where to go then if you even care enough by that point.

Well, I buckled up...but I'm sorry OP that wasn't messy at all. That's a textbook average OLD story. You are supposed to have several irons in the fire at any one time and/or get good at game-playing. I don't like it either but that's how it's working.

At a minimum, don't contact him and see if he comes crawling back.

I’d just text him again, suggesting a date.

I wouldn’t worry about chasing him/game playing, too old for all that now.

When I was dating and things like this happened to me, I always threw out an extra text just to be sure. For me personally I found it better than sitting around stewing, wondering what’s going on. All the “is he still keen? Did he just forget to reply to my last one?” questions flying around your head is painful isn’t it. If he’s not replied to one text, it could just be a genuine no big deal thing, but then if you double text him and he still doesn’t respond, at least then you know, and you’ve done everything you could. And if he does respond…great!

I’d text him one more time asking if he fancies doing anything at the weekend and then leave the ball in his court. You’ll know where you stand then.

He mentioned he didn't really drink. It's not a 'never' but I guess a preference.

So with you and the others.

Will drop the text, see what gives and then move on. I defo find it WAY easier to let it all go when I feel I've put in the final effort. Otherwise I just feel like we could both be playing some daft unexplained game.

I'd still be inclined to leave it longer but if you must text him again keep the message v brief and cheerful. "Free on Friday if you fancy trying that new pizza place?" sort of thing. No gushing.

Honestly , I'd just get in touch. Sod the game playing. Can you not just phone him? And have a conversation?

Yup, this. Message him something light then delete his number, so you're not tempted to do it a 2nd time. If he replies, great, if not, move on.

He's been quiet a few days - he might have something going on, he might just not be much of a texter. I would message him something casual, how are you? Do you fancy going out for something to eat Friday? And see what happens - if he doesn't reply, you've got your answer and can bin his number!

Agree with @boxtop.

I’m guessing he really likes you but has some kind of difference in him that explains all these uncertainties. Also some men do just feel very content and go a bit quiet after sex. Or he might now just assume you’re of course meeting on the weekend.

You’re making a really big deal out of this. Just text him and if he’s not interested, move on. All this angst and speculation and trying to guess what’s going on in his head is a waste of time.

Also, this isn’t ’messy’ at all. It’s really normal and straightforward stuff.

The MRAs are up and about, I see

Walk away, I had this kind of situation when I was dabbling in it a few years ago. Seriously this type of thing seems to be the norm and it’s not worth the headache or the knock to your self esteem.

That moment when you realise you’ve been ghosted. No thanks.

LOL what the actual F?!
No, we're both adults who slept together - 100% consent on both sides.

Mental.