The messiest OLD story - am I mental?

[Orangebananas]

Buckle up...

In January, to appease my friend, I did a quick Hinge binge, and surprise, I met with a lovely guy. We had a great first date but I was going through the anniversary of a death and having a hard time...against my better judgement, I dropped the ball and disappeared on him. Fast forward two months and I realise what a pillock I've been, so I message him, apologise. He replies, takes me out for dinner the next day, we have a great time.

It's easy, no ambiguity, we see each other again. Fast forward 4 more great dates. There's tons of chemistry, we align on all the big stuff, and have a lot in common, we laugh all the time but he never kisses me. He doesn't drink and it doesn't bother me - you'll see why I'm shoehorning this in in a minute. I know he finds me reserved so I basically drop a hint and tell him he should make a move to give him the green flag.
At the end of our date he says we should have dinner at his next time, I agree.

Last date, we spend the afternoon together, have a great time. Eventually, we decide to go back to his and get dinner, on the way, we stop at the pub and he orders a...rum and coke. So I start to think maybe he's nervous? Then we get a couple of drinks from the supermarket and head to his. I think he's 100% nervous. He's never had a drink in front of me but suddenly he's 4 rum and cokes in?

Anyway we have a great time, chatting, listening to music, get into the nitty gritty about how he couldn't read me and didn't want to push things, I tell him I couldn't work it out blah blah blah. And then bam, he kisses me.

In the end, against my better judgment, we have sex. And it's great but the usual slightly awkward thing when you're getting to know each other but that chemistry kicked in hard.
The next morning we get up, have coffee, chat a bit and he drops me home. He doesn't try to kiss me, I vaguely suggested do something on the bank holiday because he told me he finds them long when you're single and everyone else's coupled up....

That evening, I text him, tell him I've had a great time with him and I find him so easy to be around, I ask him if he wants to keep doing this, but no pressure if he's not feeling it. He replies, tells me he had a good night, wants to keep going. I replied saying great asking about his day etc. Bet you saw this coming, no reply.

That was on Sunday night...silence since.

Some context -

• We're now 6 weeks deep
• I dont think either of us know, what the other wants, I know Im happy with how things are and I want to keep seeing him, and now, of course, I really like him. But I have no idea if he just wanted to hit it and quit (seems weird for 7 dates but whatever) or if he wants something more.
• He told me he paused hinge and isn't sleeping with anyone else - he knows the same for me.
• He has never been a great texter since Jan - doesn't really bother me that he drops off the radar for a couple days because he always pings back and does long interesting replies etc. But obviously I'm now feeling it because we slept together.
• In person it's always been amazing, I've literally never found a man this easy to be around and on my wave.

I almost NEVER have this kind of chemistry with anyone. And I cant work out what the fuck to do, or why when I gave him an out, he didn't take it?

I figure I have three options -

1. Leave it till Friday, see if he gets in touch and if he doesnt, hit him with the 'guessing you've done a 180, couldve taken honesty when I asked you on Sunday but anyway its been fun but Im not here for the slow fade' - this vein obviously not actually this
2. Just message him as normal and ask if he wants to do something - but this makes me feel like I'm chasing him
3. Nothing - let it sit in silence till he messages me, if he ever does. The thing I hate about this option is - part of me wonders if he's thinking the same thing and then if neither of us do anything we just miss out on something potentially great. Especially after he told me he finds me hard to read/reserved.

Mumsnet, I'm nearly 40 and too old for all of this. What should I do? Take the punt? Walk away?

I’m exactly the same! I’d rather double text/chase a little bit, in order to know for sure, knowing I’ve done everything I can. If I play games and wait for them to text, there’s always that niggle st the back of my mind that I could have done more, and then blame myself. Easier to know you’ve done all you can and then you can move on quicker without the “what if?” Good luck, let us know how it all goes!

Are you ok?

Yes totally get what you're saying! If you're both doing the same thing then nobodies getting anywhere right?!

Anyway I just text him and asked if he wanted to do something next week as the weathers great. Who knows, either way I can move onwards and not feel so confused!

He doesn’t want to see you again, so leave it. There you go, easy!

Why would you want to be with someone who’s not into you?

By the way, although you say the sex was great, it obviously wasn’t as good for him, otherwise he would want more. So it’s not a case of ‘oh just look at all these terrible men who just want sex and then lose interest’.

Believe me, if the sex is amazing they come back for more.

Sadly men go weird after sex.
I used to take it personally but now it seems standard behaviour. I spent the night with a guy and he actually messaged after asking to see me again and how great I was.. amazing! Met again and without being rude we had sex 3 times.. then totally ghosted me. Ignored my message so I deleted his number.

Maybe he has a past history of alcohol and drug use and hadn't told you this. Had 4 in short succession and now he's gone on a bender as he's a recovery alcoholic?

Look you can either play games and listen to some of what is spouted on here 😂 or you can be an adult and message him and say " do you want to arrange a time to meet up later this week". He is maybe not good at communicating but tbh I think most men are not and need to be " coached" into what suits you. I had to do this with my now DH. 😂

😳

Online dating is the worst, isn't it?!

I did it for a while and it wasn't fun. I had a few dates, but nobody that I'd want to put too much effort into. Do you think this might be the same sort of situation? Like you though, I would send an extra text just to check. It would be awful to miss out on something good!

But..... I'm pleased to report there are some good ones out there. I've been with someone for a few months now. We instantly clicked, I didn't have any of the thoughts or doubts similar to what you're having.... he's always kept in touch, and been very clear about how much he likes me. Without it being too much.

You've done the right thing messaging. Life is too short for all this waiting and wondering. Really hope he gets back to you and it all works out.

What on Earth are you on about? This date wasn't particularly messy, but it sounds like your thought processes are.

Hi OP,

I am also nearly 40 and I am also too old for this shit. Based on "you can only control your own behaviour", I have decided to conduct myself in a way that I believe is clear and honest, and that I cannot hold myself responsible for what others do with that.

In my case, that means I text people who I don't feel a spark with and just say "lovely to have met you, but there wasn't chemistry on my side. All the best in finding the right person out there". When I have met someone I liked or gone a bit furethr with them, I have said "I'm sometimes not easy to read, so to be clear, I had a nice time and I'd like to do that again."

Hasn't stopped me from being dumped/ghosted/orbited and all the rest, but at least I can be comfortable with my own communication and behaviour.

In your case, I think you've done the right thing by reaching out. If he responds, if you feel comfortable, you could say "I feel like we have good chemistry and I'd like to keep seeing you". At least then you'll have advocated for yourself and he can do what he wants with that info. One tiny little dinging alarm bell that I'd raise isthe sober/4 rum & coke dichotomy. I don't drink and don't mind people who do, but I'd have a tiny question about the dry/binge extremes of those two positions in case he is using alcohol for anxiety or something bigger.

Correct answer tbh some of these replies are....wild. I text him, all normal, will see him next week. I dont do games and he knows this, I gave him an out and he didn't take it so just going to assume its fine until it goes dead.

Thank you! He has, seeing him next week. I cant believe I over thought this like a lunatic and took it to here. I've been out of the dating game a loonnnnnng time and it clearly shows.

Me too, I boiled it down to nerves to be honest but it did make me wonder. We have had quite honest and open convos about it so I wonder if there is something there...I guess 7 dates in he doesn't need to tell me that but Im defo conscious and tbh until I know for sure I think I just wont drink at all around him. Im not even sure why I did, I guess maybe I was nervous too!

@Orangebananas I actually ended up telling my now DH that he made me feel like Plan B if he doesn't arrange at least a potential day when we parted. I also told him I have a busy week and like to get things pencilled it. It worked and we are now married. I'm much older than you .

I think that's a good way to be - communication is everything!

6 weeks, 7 dates and 1 night of sex isn't 'deep' at all.

Great chemistry is no indicator of true compatibility. I'd take more notice of what he does than what he says as talk is cheap.

I would just leave it but I sense that you maybe can't! I've been there too and it's hard.

I think you should got for option 2 and keep it light.

And try not to stress. It really isn't worth it.

I’m a bit older than you and also OLD, I’d text and say why silence and leave it at that. I don’t think you really did anything bad but he has as you’ve slept together. I’ve had this once and he came crawling back via fb messenger as I had him blocked on everything just ignored him and that was a year after he ghosted me!

I don’t think you are a lunatic but sex does change things for most women if they like the man. You expected him to be keener and change how he communicated because you were projecting your feelings.

If he had been love bombing you and then went cold after sex that’s different.

Glad he responded and hope you have a great time!

I had one ghost me and message me a month later saying he’d been in hospital with a broken nose. For a month? Yeah ok🙂 I just could not be bothered with that nonsense ever again. It’s totally depressing. Live your best life on your own relationships are not everything.

Delighted you messaged and he replied OP!

So pleased he messaged back! Hope it goes well!

My mum who is very conservative about sex used to say, she didn’t get why in movies like ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ that people can have sex very quickly but then can’t have a proper conversation, despite having shared themselves in the most intimate of ways.

I think I am a bit old-fashioned and agree in my middle-age.

I don’t think you can really question him not responding for a couple days when you totally just disappeared on him for 2 months. Maybe he feels like you do and is a bit nervous it’s all feeling too perfect and you’re going to ghost him again. I’m not one for playing games. I’d just message him in the next day or so and ask if he’s still up for doing something this weekend.