Dating someone with autism

[CM97]

Please can you tell me your experiences of having a partner who has recently been diagnosed with autism, we are both divorced, grown up children and both in our 50’s? I’m neurotypical (but have a daughter and son with ADHD). What problems did you encounter and what were the solutions/strategies which helped? Thanks

If you've been with them for a long time then presumably you know their character and how they behave. The diagnosis shouldn't really change any of that. I'd say it just means they can seek therapy or treatment from professionals.

Everyone is different and ASD is a very broad term. I hope you can feel supported as well as supportive as that's really important in any relationship.

No… we’ve just started dating.

I’d check out the relationship with his parents / friends / siblings. Is he sociable or doesn’t have friends etc. Plus interests as some can take over the whole time and little time for anything else.

How’s his house? Clean / ocd clean / dump regarding cleanliness etc.

Does he have a good loving relationship with his children?

adhd is one thing and can be managed but ASD social interactions / anxiety is a different level. Plus he might not need emotional connection (or give anything back to you) too as he “could” be satisfied with himself mentally.

Those were some things I should of paid closer attention to (but didn’t)

I've had two autistic partners. I nearly lost all sanity with the first and ended up seeking counselling. Both considered only themselves, they both came with lots of restrictions linked to sensory issues, both had terrible anxiety that limited what we did and sucked all enjoyment out. I did all the accommodating, compromising and sacrificing, but it achieved nothing but unhappiness.

Other people will have different experiences, but these are mine. There is a Facebook group for partners of people with Aspergers/ASD, which I used many times for support.

It eems you are assuming that autistic people all have the same difficulties, when they are as individual as other people.

So as with all unfolding relationships, focus on whether this person shares your values and whether they are the sort of person you want in your life, exactly as they are, because, like all of us, they are very unlikely to change.

There’s such a huge variety in how autism affects people that it’s impossible to advise without knowing him really. What were his reasons for seeking diagnosis? (Is he struggling with his mental health, having problems at work, having difficulties in his family relationships, or just wanted to better understand himself?). Non-autistic people can come with all sorts of issues too; you can be neurotypical and a jerk, autistic and a jerk, NT and lovely, autistic and lovely etc etc. I’m autistic (though am female) and my most annoying traits are probably difficulties with verbal communication (I can get flustered if pushed to explain myself, and struggle to put things into words), and being quite rigid sometimes (if I’ve planned something and it doesn’t go to plan, I can get quite stressed… though I’m aware of this and try so hard to deal with it). I need time alone (I mostly get that by getting up early before the rest of the household) and am rubbish at socialising, but my (NT) partner isn’t bothered about going out much either. On the flip side, I’m very honest and loyal, I'm more aware of my shortcomings than most so try to be as flexible as I can, and I have a range of interests (that I’m not obsessive about, but have quite a broad spread of ways of using my time). If you’re asking him about being autistic, or his diagnosis, try to do it gently, kindly and with an open mind.

There are pluses to dating an autistic person, too. As a generalisation, we are far more likely to do what we say we're going to do, turn up when we say we're going to turn up, be honest and loyal.

It depends entirely on the person. The autism is, I would say, secondary. I was married with a man with autism - he was empathic, a great conversationalist, not very social but diligent. His main problem was organisation and an inability to deal with conflict but he worked around this (mostly) and was supportive and a wonderful partner. When we divorced (his choice) I went out with another man with autism, who was organised, very set in his ways and terrific at managing life and money. But he wasn't empathic and didn't enjoy conversation at all.

So if the autism means you have differing views on life and living then it will always be a problem, but if it means that he has one or two 'glitches' but you can live with them, it won't. Although I have to say that the second man nearly broke me and I still suffer from the aftermath of that relationship - but I should have walked away a LOT earlier.

If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.
We are all different.
What I would say is don't mistake male entitlement or male weaponised incompetence/ societies lack of expectations on men thus behavioural issues. As autism. Not always easy to decipher and ofcourse we all have different struggles.

Essentially someone who is autistic and not a arsehole may just need some accommodations understanding and tweaking in life. Someone that's an arsehole will point blank blame their autism or make it your fault with no room or intention at all to understand or remotely compromise/adjust.

These threads are so offensive.

Every autistic person is different just as every neurotypical person is different.

I agree that people with autism are all different. My personal experience, outside of my family is negative I'm afraid. He very quickly started being highly critical about me about everything I said or did, plus he then started seeing someone else behind my back but couldn't see that he had said/done anything wrong. I think the difference with this behaviour rather than just a run of the mill bastard, is that he (in my opinion) genuinely couldn't seem to connect his behaviour with the behaviour of others, ie didn't understand cause and effect. He was really bright and a great conversationalist but alas, incapable of having a relationship.

You need to talk to him really and get him to tell you the way his life is. I've been with my partner for 11 years now and I am used to things and have strategies to make the best of things.

I doubt there is a one size fits all so not sure it's helpful to ask other people.

It’s impossible to generalise.

Strong communication skills and empathy on both sides is vital. It can be amazing, awful or somewhere in between!

Does what it says on the tin : he has communication difficulties, emotional expression difficulties and social difficulties. All of which have made life extremely challenging at times. I have periods of feeling intensely lonely. I would summarise by saying we live our lives parallel to each other as opposed to "together" .

Plus points: if he says he'll do something - he'll absolutely do it. He doesn't make false promises - ever. He's loyal and integral to a fault. He is the most hands on, loving, helpful father. He finds the kids fascinating (genuinely!) can't ask for a better father to my children. He's a practical god - DIY is a very special interest of his! He's hard working , and employees dream, slacking off for a gossip or a lazy moment just would not occur to him. He's also clean (he's not tidy ! He's chaotic 😂) but he is a clean and smart man. Hygiene is tip top. No smelly pants laying around, no ominous smells emitted from him. There'll never be an affair. There'll never be a drink/drug/gambling problem.

All in all he's "hard work" on an emotional/social level. But as a life partner , and father - he's rock solid. I'm really quite lucky all things considered.

Selfishness
Being unbelievably cruel but not understanding why they had been cruel or that it was a problem.
Leaving me st a party and going home without telling me and saying that I was smiling so I was having a good time so they didn't think it an issue (I'd travelled almost 3 hours to visit them)
No communication
Not interested in me when a new hobby came about

Unable to combine two 'things' eg me and hobby so I was bullied by them when at a hobby meet-up with them, ignored at best, constantly picked at at worst

Showering me with gifts but not allowed to call them except in exceptional circumstances
Sex was robotic and constantly hurt me, eventually left me injured

Fastidious about hygiene, clothing and food to the point it became a real problem

Future faking because ASD tends to have a 'masking' phase and in mine's case, did what people do when they first get with somoene and those conversations arrive, pretended they wanted something they didn't because 'It's what you do'.

Leaving me to cope with a very serious potential diagnosis alone because 'don't understand things like that'..

Anyway, I won't go on. There are support threads on here and Cassandra syndrome groups on fb.
Some NT/ND relationships do work well.

But I'll never, ever enter one again. I am still recovering and I'm a changed woman, and not for the better. My mental health is fragile and shattered and I've been opened up to a world I never wanted to know existed.

But that's my experience. Or more accurately, a small fraction of it.

My soon to be ex has something undiagnosed going on and always has done.
I suspect autism or something similar.
No accountability for his actions - as someone else said, he cannot compute 'cause and effect' of his actions.
Communication is non existent - normal couple problems cannot ever be discussed or resolved.
Disorganised - unable to focus on more than one thing at a time - then that one thing is hyper focused.
Losing things all the time - wallet, bank card, car keys
Blame shifting
Silent treatment/bad moods
Depression & sleep problems/night terrors
Odd sexual preferences
Anger - unable to control emotions
No empathy - zero
Unable to read non verbal cues.

Personally, I would do as you would with any other new relationship. Give it some time, look for red flags, respect your own boundaries and forget that he has autism. Just take it slow and see if you are a good match or not.

Good luck - new relationships should be fun, exciting, make your heart beat faster (for the right reasons) - if it doesn't, move on.

I realise you caveated this with 'generalisation ' and I would tend to agree with you.

But mine lied about so many things, from who they were as a person and what was wanted from a relationship, down to what time we'd leave an event. Lies were not common, I'd say but frequent enough for me to have to put measures in place to make sure I had plan bs all the time (e.g packing snacks, asking a million questions to make sure I got the truth).

Your experience sounds much like mine. Yes, I did all of the pretzeling around ASD requirements. Absolutely no chance of it happening the other way around, how dare I even suggest it!

Sorry, you asked what helped.
Nothing.
I was out of my mind to even suggest a compromise on some things. 'I can't change it's the way I am' was a commonly used phrase.

Walking away helped. Eventually. And getting over the hurt that apparently someone you're in love with can just walk away and it is 'oh well, never mind' as if you've got a hole in a not-especially favored jumper that you quite liked.

As did seeking help for the injury I sustained because no matter how many times I said having sex like that hurt me, it continued until I put a full stop to it.

Other than that, nothing.

I’ve had a bad experience and would never consider dating an autistic man ever again. Mine masked heavily in the “special interest” phase and was pretending to be someone he was not. This isn’t uncommon and whether they mean to or not, gaining a partner by deception is abusive.

Black and white thinking and needing to be right meant it wasn’t possible to have any sort of functioning relationship. Have a look at the Living with an autistic spouse thread.

There’s nothing ablest about it and it’s not appalling to describe the difficulty’s she experienced in her relationship.

Well I'm the autistic one so I'll tell you what my husband would say. I'm loyal and empathic (my husband laughed when I first suggested my issues might be caused by autism as I have 'too much empathy' and therefore couldn't be autistic - was diagnosed about 2 years ago). Most autistics are like me and a lack of empathy suggests a comorbid other issue like narcissism or a personality disorder.

Where the problems come are that I do have autistic meltdowns. I cannot cope with too much sensory exposure and I get very upset and stressed when plans change. I could not be with someone who lives by the seat of their pants in the spur of the moment.

My husband used to get upset when I wouldn't ask how his day was. It's not that I don't care, just that I don't do the neurotypical tiptoeing around. If I want to talk about my day I talk about it, I don't sit there silently seething because he hasn't asked me, I get on and say what I want. Most of the time my work day has been sufficiently dull I don't actually want to talk about it. I expected him to do the same. I apologised of course and try to do better, but also explained that it would always be hard for me to remember because that question ("how was your day?") isn't a question that I expect to be asked of me. We tend to be much more direct and also brutally honest.

My biggest problem is mental health problems caused by years of rejection from neurotypicals and ableist neurodivergents. I have a lot of self-harm scars, panic disorder and recurrent depression. My mental health improved pretty much immediately upon my diagnosis as I stopped blaming myself for the way other people treated me.

Honestly, you say your children have ADHD, us neurodivergents tend to flock together so all my friends are autistic or ADHD, with the rare exception of my neurotypical husband. If you get along with your kids OK, you'll probably be fine with your new bloke. Good luck! 👍

Really offensive comments on here. You do realise ASD is a disability, a life long one that will never go anywhere. Alot of what pps have said has been their experience just sounds like abuse. Injuries from sex? Sound abusive to me. I have never injured a sexual partner, nor am I robotic. Yes there is an element of control with autism, it’s because of the anxiety we have when routines etc are changed.

This sounds very much like me.