Dating someone with autism

[CM97]

Please can you tell me your experiences of having a partner who has recently been diagnosed with autism, we are both divorced, grown up children and both in our 50’s? I’m neurotypical (but have a daughter and son with ADHD). What problems did you encounter and what were the solutions/strategies which helped? Thanks

You are mistaken. I wouldn’t embarrass myself in that way.

crackofdoom · Today 16:11

Personally I enjoy being provocative, thanks.

@Sparkling2006 fair enough, I got the wrong poster. My apologies.

However I'm not being goaded into a massive debate. You have a child with autism yourself so I would have thought you'd be a little more empathetic in your responses.

As a neurodivergent cancer patient myself, I really don't see the harm in it. But perhaps that's just me and I know people get offended over different things. But people are allowed to ask questions and post their experiences with living with ND partners. It doesn't need to get nasty though.

Well, that's a classic example of a defensively neurotypical reply if ever I saw one 😆

I don't often see much empathy amongst neurotypical posters on the subject of autism at all, tbh.

Weird, given that they're supposed to be the empathetic ones eh.

You are mistaken. I wouldn’t embarrass myself in that way.

Which is strange, given that you seem so keen to embarrass yourself in so many other ways....😆

As an autistic parent of a child with autism, I would be horrified if I let him out into the world unable to negotiate relationships, or- God forbid, with the belief that sexual assault is OK, as mentioned upthread.

Fortunately, autistic people are just as capable of empathy (more so than neurotypicals in fact, going by some of the replies on this thread 🙄), affection and considerate behaviour.

Sometimes they just need to be taught it in different ways. Codes and sets of rules work well. ("You ask consent. You check if consent is enthusiastic. You ask if your partner is enjoying that....and then that". Once the rules are learnt, them's the rules!) Empathy is like a muscle- the more you use it, the stronger it gets.

Please do not send your son out into the world unequipped with the knowledge to take care of himself and others. Autistic people can learn just as well as any others.

Only had one partner with autism. He referred to it as asbergers not sure of the difference. he turned out to be a massive arsehole. wish I had never met him and wasted three years of my life on him.

When he was feeling down he would be very nit picky with everything. i could go on and on but that's my experience

Well, I didn't want to say it, lol.

NO. IT'S ABOUT SOMEONE CLAIMING THAT THEIR SEXUAL ABUSE WAS DOWN TO THEIR PARTNER'S AUTISM, IMPLYING THAT SEXUAL ABUSE IS AN AUTISTIC TRAIT.

WHICH IS KIND OF INSULTING, NOT ONLY TO THE VAST MAJORITY OF AUTISTIC PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT SEXUAL ABUSERS, BUT TO THE MANY, MANY, MANY LATE DIAGNOSED AUTISTIC WOMEN WHOSE AUTISM MADE THEM MORE VULNERABLE TO SEXUAL ABUSE IN THEIR YOUNGER YEARS.

SO, IT IS ABOUT ME. AND US. ALL OF US.

Mmmmkay?

Aspergers is the old diagnosis - what's now (often incorrectly) known as high functioning autism.

Which is strange, given that you seem so keen to embarrass yourself in so many other ways....😆

I think many of us are familiar with this sort of behaviour. Childish, spiteful and needlessly confrontational. There’s a reason some autistic people insist we don’t talk about how it effects others.

They were all neurotypical. Newsflash - bad behaviour by men is alarmingly common and not restricted to autistic men.

Oh, I know. I was referring to the long-running threads on here about autistic men and how awful they are - when most aren't even diagnosed.

I'm just curious how many of these awful autistic men are actually diagnosed autistic, or whether they're just using it as a "get out" for shit behaviour.

Getting a diagnosis isn't easy, and people who are now in their forties (or older) will have had an even harder time getting diagnosed than children growing up today.

Yes - it is extremely difficult to get a diagnosis and all the actually diagnosed autistic male friends and family I know are polite and gentle.

100% my experience too. I’ve had to hide all the “married to someone with autism” threads - the vast majority of the men on there have no diagnosis yet everyone sees fit to use autism as a reason for their shitty behaviour.

I'm autistic-ADHD. I'll be the first to admit that some of our traits can be challenging to manage for the person in a relationship with us. But as an above poster listed, there are plenty of "NT" traits that can also be difficult to deal with in a relationship. I don't think it's helpful to suppose that there are no innately autistic traits that can make relationships harder. Rigidity/meltdowns, many of the things listed above by previous posters - all of these things make dating a person with autism more difficult than somebody without those traits. Ultimately it's up to how the ND person deals with their challenges - are they aware of them; do they have ways to regulate themselves; can they communicate? The same goes for NT people/relationships, it's just a different set of challenges. So it's up to the OP to decide whether or not she wants to date somebody with some additional potential challenges she might not encounter in a relationship with an NT.

She was very specific about the relevance to autism. Her partner had a specific technique that a previous partner had liked. That had become the ‘how to’ of sex.
It hurt OP, but in the heat of the moment her partner kept reverting to it because ‘that’s how you do sex’.

One of the frustrations is knowing someone doesn’t want to hurt you, doesn’t mean to hurt you, feels bad that they hurt you… didn’t do it in order to hurt you, and yet you end up hurt.

When you describe what has happened you know it makes them sound like a dickhead yet you know they aren’t a dickhead.
So you don’t talk to anyone.

Thank you. This is exactly it, explained in a different way-as the way I did must've been a little garbled or misworded.

This is most definitely not how I meant to sound, I think another poster (and I) have now explained that well enough.

FWIW, I am a lesbian, my ex is a woman. And diagnosed.

My ex has been diagnosed with autism. Living with him traumatised me and our kids. He has no empathy whatsoever. I do not know if that is down to autism, though