Dating someone with autism

[CM97]

Please can you tell me your experiences of having a partner who has recently been diagnosed with autism, we are both divorced, grown up children and both in our 50’s? I’m neurotypical (but have a daughter and son with ADHD). What problems did you encounter and what were the solutions/strategies which helped? Thanks

Talking about scripts, nearly every single thread where someone is looking for support with an autistic partner is disrupted by someone like Fairie. There’s the same old accusations, dismissing of people’s experiences and victim mentality. According to people like Fairie having a severe difficulty with communication and social interaction has no affect on a person or there relationships whatsoever and they must just be a dickhead instead of struggling with a disability.

As a parent of a child with autism I find that really offensive. My son has significant social difficulties that effects him in every way. If it didn’t effect him it wouldn’t be classed as a disability. Pretending his autism doesn’t effect him, or us, and any difficult behaviour is down to him being a dickhead isn’t helpful to anyone and is going backwards.

We are allowed to talk about those difficulties and our experiences.

So your message is, that all autistic people shouldn't have relationships because our disability innately disqualifies us??

Well, thanks for that 🙄

So your message is, that all autistic people shouldn't have relationships because our disability innately disqualifies us??
Well, thanks for that 🙄

🙄

I think you will take from responses whatever you want.

Posters: "Here are some examples, as requested by op, of specific issues that NT people MAY encounter when dating people with a condition that often causes them social and communication difficulties, including rigid/black and white thinking."

Specific posters: "Why are you making out that ALL autistic people, including ME, have these issues? And it's all just a coincidence anyway, you must just be dating dickheads who happen to have autism."

Personally, I would never date a neurotypical person because:

They are all untrustworthy, finding it near impossible to simply say what they mean;

They are all completely flakey, changing plans on a whim;

They are all shallow and overly concerned what other people think;

They are all clingy and codependent;

They are all quite dull, having only shallow, boring interests;

They are all massively disorganised, inattentive to details and unable to plan efficiently.

I could go on....

What I've never udnerstood in these situations is why it's so hard for some people to see that some behaviours may or may not be related to the ND, but in almost every case, it's how this is handled that makes the difference. Most of us accept that someone with an ND may well struggle with x or y. But if they are unable/unwilling to even consider how that impacts someone else or agree any sort of compromise or solution, then it's not unreasonable for the other party to decide this is not okay. DH struggles couldn't organise his way out of a paper bag without a bunch of tools and tricks he's developed to help. Some of these make NO sense to me but I accomodate him by accepting that 1. he is trying and 2. he gets the job done (mostly) and 3. by taking on MORE of the pre-planning and organising while he takes on more of the practical day-to-day DOING.

Indeed - all relationships are about finding a dynamic that works for both parties, and for accomodations to happen on both sides, rather than one person making all the allowances.

You know nobody said ALL. You know exactly what people said. If you think people have been discriminatory you can report the thread instead of being provocative.

@Legomania DS has recently taken on a paper round. As a classic ADHDer with sleep struggles, he has realised, that perhaps this was a mistake! He realises that he needs to make decisions on work that work with his natural inclinations, and possibly a paper round is NOT it.

Personally I enjoy being provocative, thanks.

And this: The injury from sex, I can unfortunately put down to autism in the main at least is appallingly discriminatory, and a vile generalisation.

You know what? As an autistic person, I have had sex with plenty of people, and if they had ever expressed pain or discomfort over anything I was doing, I would immediately have stopped and apologised. So would any of my lovers who were autistic, although I can't think of any who would have been that insensitive in the first place.

Sexual abuse is NOT an autistic trait .

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU

There is nothing ableist about it at all. She is sharing her experience. Jesus wept.

Respectfully, if you have a son and daughter with adhd, the chances are very high that either you or their father is neurodivergent and likely other members on that side of the family. You likely know a great deal more than you think.

Personally I enjoy being provocative, thanks.

Do you really think it’s helpful to come onto a thread like this and act like a massive dick? People like you are the reason there’s discrimination. There’s no misunderstanding or confusion on your part, you know exactly what you’re doing and it’s something many of us have experienced personally.

Fairie is right, some of this behaviour is down to being a dickhead, not autistic.

It’s extremely ableist. Plenty of people are happily living with autistic partners, diagnosed or not.

Just go with it as you would with anyone you were dating. If you don’t want another date; say thank you but I don’t want to continue dating.

Except I’ve never said autistic people don’t struggle @Sparkling2006 - what I have said is that I’m
sick of the lazy stereotyping that surrounds autism and relationships on here. This forum is full of it - there are even long running threads criticising autistic partners - many of whom don’t even have a diagnosis to begin with. It’s disgusting, and yes, incredibly ableist.

This thread is appalling. It’s like starting a thread asking about dating a Black or Asian man, a wheelchair user, or someone with cancer.

Absolutely. It’s not the autism itself that’s the issue, it’s how it’s handled.

Tale as old as time on here - it’s disgusting and MN never do a thing about it.

I’ve had the same experience with ten non-autistic men.

Except I’ve never said autistic people don’t struggle ** - what I have said is that I’m
sick of the lazy stereotyping that surrounds autism and relationships on here. This forum is full of it - there are even long running threads criticising autistic partners - many of whom don’t even have a diagnosis to begin with. It’s disgusting, and yes, incredibly ableist.

adjective
If you describe people or their behaviour as ableist, you mean that they think people with disabilities are less capable than those without disabilities, and treat them differently or less well as a result.

Do you know what a stereotype actually is Fairie? Because people describing problems in their relationships are not stereotyping they are speaking from their own lived experience. Do you think they’re lying? Do you think they should keep quiet?

What about parents of autistic children? Are they allowed to talk about challenges or are they stereotyping as well?

I wonder how many of these men actually have a diagnosis.

@Sparkling2006 as you've admitted yourself upthread that you enjoy being provocative, I'm not going to let you goad me into responding to you further.

Not been in a relationship, but my best friend (m59) was diagnosed around 20 years ago, after me pushing him to get a diagnosis for the whole time I had known him.
At 59 he has had 10s of relationships, but the longest one being 4 months.
His desperate need and desire to be in a long term relationship was the reason I encouraged him to get a diagnosis and help.

He got the diagnosis but refused therapy or medication, insisting there was nothing wrong with him, it was all the fault of the women who he dated that the relationship failed.

He is a dear friend to me, and we share a lot of interests and hobbies.
However he is:
Fixated on routine while the latest 'routine' lasts.
Obsessed with his hobbies.
Talks constantly without listening.
Struggles to follow simple instructions.
Needs everything written down.
Is rude to staff in shops and restaurants, and can only see he has been when I point it out.
Is obsessed with conspiracies. Rarely is anything said/ done to him by anyone that he doesnt believe has an alternative motive.
Is overly sexual, creepy and stalky with a new love interest.
Misunderstands humour/sarcasm/wit.
Is terrible managing money.
Struggles with basic hygiene and housework.
Seriously believes he is superior to most people.
Is a terrible hypochondriac and talks endlessly about his health or lack of it.
Makes plans to do so many things, but in reality does nothing.
Has rigid views on things and will not be swayed.

He is exhausting.

Past partners have commented that he's a narcissist ( I don't know very much about that so cannot comment)
That he's totally irrational (he is)
That he has meltdowns that they cannot make sense of (true, but I help him with those)

Aside from the above he's kind, honest, loyal and reliable. But definitely not relationship material.