Husband starts arguments then records my reaction

[Meerkat4321]

Hi,

My husband of several years shouts at me when I disagree with him about something and then proceeds to follow me around the house (shouting, swearing). I can feel myself getting increasingly more angry and attempt to walk away (if I try to argue back it escalates his shouting and swearing) but he follows me around the house. It will get to the point when I will snap and scream back and swear. He then gets his phone out and records me, with his voice lowered to a calm tone, telling me that he is recording and will be showing my family how aggressive I am.

This seems to get much worse when he is drunk. The next day, he will explain that I was really aggressive and express he is confused as to why I am refusing to speak to him. It makes me question my sanity. Only after years of this behaviour have I come to realise it is not right and I am planning on filing for divorce. I guess I'm posting for advice really on whether this has happened to anyone else and how you dealt with it. I feel like I have slowly faded away with time due to my fear of upsetting him or making him angry. Most of the time, I will pretend to agree to just keep the peace unless it is an issue I can't keep quiet about (like trans rights or racism).

Appreciate any advice you can give me, thanks in advance.

My advice to you would be to get the hell away from him permanently by speeding up your plans for divorcing him. This is abuse and Women’s Aid should be able to advise you on how to get out.

Gaslighting at its finest. Sorry for your pain but leaving is your best solution.... hugs

Jesus wept.

I appreciate people are sick of hearing this but it's very narcissistic like behaviour. He's baiting you into a reaction so he can DARVO you. Have you heard these terms before?

And he's a drunk. Bloody hell. Expedite your exit!

Dr Ramani on YouTube is great for advice. The best thing is not to feed anything.

You're leaving him. So you don't need to engage. You can just say, ' we'll agree to disagree ' or ' I'm not going there today ' and you stop speaking.

You can't win against them, you can't convince them, you can't get them to be accountable for their behaviour, you can't get them to see your point of view, you can only remove them from your life. I know these people well.

That is abusive and so awful, op.
So happy you are getting out.
Have you heard of the grey rock technique?
Have you ever recorded him doing this?
Helpful posters will be along to help you get your ducks in a row. Financial records, key documents like passport and birth certificate somewhere safe, that sort of thing.

It’s to make you shut up and put up

As difficult as it is, I'd refuse to play his 'game'. When you see things escalating just remove yourself and tell him you are removing yourself before he gets his phone out. Then go somewhere where he can't follow and goad you into a response. If he carries on recording just stay calm and say you'll come out once he's put the phone away.

File for divorce today.
I mean why would you stay married to that twat?

Something similar happened to a friend I know and he used it to get custody of kids when he filed for divorce.

try and take control and get out of there.sounds horrendous.

This is very abusive on his part. It’s good that you’re leaving. You could try recording him privately when he starts attacking you. It’s a good idea to make a note of these incidents anyway in case he tries to use them against you re eg custody. I think it may be worth reporting him to the police about it.

Glad you're leaving him - he really dislikes you.

If he tries this again during the seperation, you should either leave the home for a bit - would he follow you shouting down the street? - and film him back.

I wondered what he'd do if you took out YOUR phone as soon as he started and began recording him...

by the sounds of it he'd just get violent.

Don't get angry, smile and sing Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Would it be safe for you to film him when he starts? I’d be tempted to do it live so he can’t pressure you into deleting the video.

if you don’t feel safe to do that then you need to try and remove yourself from the situation but that’s much easier said than done.

Come up with a grey rock mantra that would look terrible on him if he filmed it, something like “you are being aggressive. please stop following me and leave me alone” and when you realise what he’s doing just repeat repeat and walk away. Leave the house or lock yourself in the bathroom with a book until he gets bored. You’ve no reason to respond to his arguements, even if he’s defending something awful you will never change his mind, he’s not trying to discuss he’s just saying whatever to upset you. At least that means if you do lose your rag he’s only filming you shouting “please leave me alone!” Which hardly supports his manipulation of you being aggressive.

This - remove yourself from the situation. Go out somewhere, a walk, sit in the car/drive away, anything that removes you from the situation. Start recording him when he starts too.

Leave this man.

Do whatever it takes to leave, even if you end up homeless.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I can't tell you how much your support means to me. For years, I have felt like I was going crazy but I've realised now it is really abusive behaviour.

I have ended up staying because the next day he will tell me about how aggressive I was the night before when I tell him I'm upset about his behaviour. Then I feel guilty and awful and feel that it was me..I've now contacted Women's Aid thank you for the suggestion, it was so helpful to feel validated and get a plan in place.

The thing about recording him back is that this will likely get him more angry and I don't know what he will do then. In the past, I've tried to run away and lock myself in a room but he is too quick and gets there before I can. The other day he took my car keys away and said that I would need to get an uber if I wanted to go anywhere. It's been so hard

Is there anywhere you can go now? Family or friend?

I think you need to leave as soon as possible.

He's probably trying to get some sort of evidence that you are the problem, so that he can use it against you during divorce and deflect from the fact that he is an abusive c**t!

Leave him asap. Write down all the incidents you can recall. Be armed to counteract any portrayal of you as being aggressive.

Oh God this is really abusive, sinister behaviour. You need to get away from this man asap. Have you got family? Anywhere safe to go?

He's unhinged and highly manipulative, get away quickly.

Don't record him back.

It's not safe and it doesn't work. Others have mentioned the grey rock technique. It's the safest and most effective way.

You basically do not engage or feed him with emotions or a strong reaction. Everything he does is designed with the one aim of getting a strong emotional reaction from you. It's what they do. They want to argue and fight and want to engage in ongoing drama with you. So shut it down.

You say short one line sentences whilst trying to get away.

You shouldn't even be in the same house as this guy tbh. Alcoholic, abusive, gaslighting.

He's not a safe person to be near. You have to get away from him.

Even if you have screamed and called him every horrible name. Don't even worry. It's called 'reactive abuse'. You're highly reactive after extended abuse and baiting and gaslighting. It's not you. It's this bag of shite you're lumped with.

Oh wow! What a nasty piece of work. There is no other explanation than that he is an abusive little man. Do not doubt yourself. You know whats going on. Leave. Now if you can. Because it will get worse.
I wish you all the strength in the world OP xx

I wonder if secretly recording him might be good. Phone in pocket recording audio. Probably hard to do and it might be risky, so maybe not. Only you can know about the risk.
Just worried about what pp have said about him using those recordings to make you appear unstable re custody.

Are there children between you OP?

What these types unfortunately do is smear the name of anyone who speaks out about them and their behaviour. They can be convincing if good at acting the good guy in public.

If there are kids it might influence next steps ....