Husband starts arguments then records my reaction

[Meerkat4321]

Hi,

My husband of several years shouts at me when I disagree with him about something and then proceeds to follow me around the house (shouting, swearing). I can feel myself getting increasingly more angry and attempt to walk away (if I try to argue back it escalates his shouting and swearing) but he follows me around the house. It will get to the point when I will snap and scream back and swear. He then gets his phone out and records me, with his voice lowered to a calm tone, telling me that he is recording and will be showing my family how aggressive I am.

This seems to get much worse when he is drunk. The next day, he will explain that I was really aggressive and express he is confused as to why I am refusing to speak to him. It makes me question my sanity. Only after years of this behaviour have I come to realise it is not right and I am planning on filing for divorce. I guess I'm posting for advice really on whether this has happened to anyone else and how you dealt with it. I feel like I have slowly faded away with time due to my fear of upsetting him or making him angry. Most of the time, I will pretend to agree to just keep the peace unless it is an issue I can't keep quiet about (like trans rights or racism).

Appreciate any advice you can give me, thanks in advance.

I'm so sorry you're going through this @Meerkat4321

It's good that you're going to leave this man.

As you have no children, then you need to leave.
What he says about you to others is not worth worrying about. Let him do what he does, people aren’t stupid, he can collate away.
What is important is that you leave, you grey rock and you make a new life yourself.
If you have the support of your parents and a few friends that’s all you need.
What you need to do is step away from his thoughts and actions because he’s unhinged.
When you get to your friend’s, over the next few days and weeks start writing down every single experience you have had with this man. It may not be the same as recordings but do it for you.
He may not let you go easily - he enjoys the control - but leave. You can leave a marriage for any reason, but you have a very serious one.
He thinks his behaviours have been very ‘clever’ but due to society being more open, and places like MN, we know far more about gaslighting and DARVO now.
Well done on coming on here and acting so quickly.
Your new life starts now.

@Withoutfearorfavour OP is going her best here she’s made great progress in a short time. No need to be so rude.

If you don't have kids, next time you know he's going to be out of the house for a while, pack up some stuff and leave.

Don't bother with recording him or trying to prove anything, just get yourself out and somewhere safe. It's just too risky.

Ideally take passport, birth and marriage certificate, financial paperwork, any really sentimental stuff and whatever else you can fit in your car.

Go to your friend and figure out your next steps from there.

Never go back, whatever promises he makes or how he cries or threatens.

Divorce him

Evidence for what? You don't have children, it's immaterial!

It’s control of the worst kind. He is a small scared little man. He gets a kick out of seeing you this way. End the marriage now. He’s cruel and dislikes you.

There’s no reason for him to be collating evidence, behaviour is not taken into consideration in divorce if you think he will get more money or property

No judge will listen to the recordings

leave as soon as you can, no kids so just take a bag and go back to your parents the next time he leaves the house to go to work

if you’ve pets take them, a cunt like that will harm them

Sweetheart you need to be safe. This is deranged.

omg this is awful, so sorry you’ve been dealing with this OP

Hi you can messaged me back

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. The recording is a stupid childish game (very poisonous but still childish) and there’s no upside for you in playing it with him. He obviously thrives on intrigue and drama, so your best defence is Grey Rock + a good divorce lawyer who has experience dealing with this kind of manipulative sicko.