Page 2 | Husband starts arguments then records my reaction

Meerkat4321 · 2025-04-21T14:07:19+00:00

Hi, My husband of several years shouts at me when I disagree with him about something and then proceeds to follow me around the house (shouting, swearing). I can feel myself getting increasingly more angry and attempt to walk away (if I try to argue back it escalates his shouting and swearing) but he follows me around the house. It will get to the point when I will snap and scream back and swear. He then gets his phone out and records me, with his voice lowered to a calm tone, telling me that he is recording and will be showing my family how aggressive I am. This seems to get much worse when he is drunk. The next day, he will explain that I was really aggressive and express he is confused as to why I am refusing to speak to him. It makes me question my sanity. Only after years of this behaviour have I come to realise it is not right and I am planning on filing for divorce. I guess I'm posting for advice really on whether this has happened to anyone else and how you dealt with it. I feel like I have slowly faded away with time due to my fear of upsetting him or making him angry. Most of the time, I will pretend to agree to just keep the peace unless it is an issue I can't keep quiet about (like trans rights or racism). Appreciate any advice you can give me, thanks in advance.

heddy007 · 21/04/2025 16:16

this is coercive behaviour and gaslighting
www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/what_is_gaslighting_abuse/

SamDeanCas · 21/04/2025 16:16

It’s hugely abusive.

id record him back but don’t let him know, just for your own sanity to play back the next day so you can hear that it isn’t you, its him

Of you feel threatened id phone the police there and then, if he takes your phone off you walk out the door and go to a neighbours and phone the police from there

Speed up your plans to leave but don’t tell him. Id normally never suggest you leave the marital home, but in your shoes I would. Can you stay with friends or family whilst you file for divorce?

Consistentlytired · 21/04/2025 16:18

Hi OP I would suggest that you download the Holly Guard app onto your phone it can discreetly record videos and audio to use as evidence as well as alert your emergency contacts by shaking your phone.

pimplebum · 21/04/2025 16:21

I would set up secret internal ring doorbell to catch him goading you

Don’t get wound up

separate in the house so separate shopping cooking , washing tv come and go like house like a lodger

Hastentoadd · 21/04/2025 16:33

Buy a recording device ( some on Amazon) and hide it in the house before you file for divorce, he has a recording of you, you need one of him

polarsystem · 21/04/2025 16:53

Have a look into reactive abuse.

Annascaul · 21/04/2025 16:55

Why do you perform for him, op?

404ErrorCode · 21/04/2025 17:03

He is spoiling for a fight and then seems to enjoy the fallout. This is toxic, so leave!!

ginasevern · 21/04/2025 17:17

OP, don't engage in any more arguments with him - no matter what the subject or how goady he is. Just say nothing. Prepare to leave but do not tell him.

londongirl12 · 21/04/2025 17:22

Don’t plan on filing for divorce, do it first thing in the morning!! The longer you carry on like this, the worse it will be.

Original poster

Meerkat4321 · 21/04/2025 17:24

Thanks for the very good advice, I will attempt to record him secretly however he will likely be very, very nice to me for a little while before it kicks off again. I think I need to get out ASAP, I am going to telephone places Women's Aid have suggested and follow a plan. He's lied about close family members, and covertly tried to create a distance, saying they are lying about things he's said and done. They live close by but because of the emotional distance created, it complicates things.

I feel very ashamed to have believed him. But I am telling them today. After reading all your posts I have confided in my parents however they live quite far so can't stay there but have a friend about an hour away who has offered for me to stay. I am seeking legal advice tomorrow and have started to write things down from memory. The most recent incident happened a few days ago so it is very fresh in my mind. I wish I would've recorded that one.

We don't have children, he did not want them which makes separation simpler.

Thanks all x

OP posts:

AlphaBravoGamma · 21/04/2025 17:35

Meerkat4321 · 21/04/2025 17:24

Thanks for the very good advice, I will attempt to record him secretly however he will likely be very, very nice to me for a little while before it kicks off again. I think I need to get out ASAP, I am going to telephone places Women's Aid have suggested and follow a plan. He's lied about close family members, and covertly tried to create a distance, saying they are lying about things he's said and done. They live close by but because of the emotional distance created, it complicates things.

I feel very ashamed to have believed him. But I am telling them today. After reading all your posts I have confided in my parents however they live quite far so can't stay there but have a friend about an hour away who has offered for me to stay. I am seeking legal advice tomorrow and have started to write things down from memory. The most recent incident happened a few days ago so it is very fresh in my mind. I wish I would've recorded that one.

We don't have children, he did not want them which makes separation simpler.

Thanks all x

In that case there's no point in what he's doing - and if your family believe his filming over you, who they've known since you were born, then you're better off without them.

Don't put yourself through this, it's pointless.

gamerchick · 21/04/2025 17:38

howrudeforme · 21/04/2025 15:26

Something similar happened to a friend I know and he used it to get custody of kids when he filed for divorce.

try and take control and get out of there.sounds horrendous.

Weird I know of that happening as well. He has a bit on the side though so can't be the same bloke.

Moier · 21/04/2025 17:45

I read a novel just like this .
A psychological thriller.
She tried to get away but left it too late.. she snapped and he " accidentally " killed her.
This is abuse.. please put your plans in action now to leave .
You can do it.
Loads on here have.
Keep strong.
Write lists .
Maybe record him when he becomes aggressive..
Sending love.

Darkambergingerlily · 21/04/2025 17:49

Moier · 21/04/2025 17:45

I read a novel just like this .
A psychological thriller.
She tried to get away but left it too late.. she snapped and he " accidentally " killed her.
This is abuse.. please put your plans in action now to leave .
You can do it.
Loads on here have.
Keep strong.
Write lists .
Maybe record him when he becomes aggressive..
Sending love.

What book? Want to read it!

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 21/04/2025 17:52

I wouldn't bother recording him, especially if it leaves you open to more abuse. Get out to your friend as soon as you can. Does he work out of the house? If so, and you are sure he isn't filming you, then take only what you consider important, that is, bank details, passport, birth certificate and stuff that's sentimental to you. Jewellery that belongs to you too. Pack a case or rucksack with some clothes and go! I would then ensure he couldn't track your phone. Do you have a car? If so, fill it with as many of your belongings as you can in an hour or less. Speed is your friend here. Then check he hasn't put a tracker on your car. Best of luck

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 21/04/2025 17:58

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 21/04/2025 17:52

I wouldn't bother recording him, especially if it leaves you open to more abuse. Get out to your friend as soon as you can. Does he work out of the house? If so, and you are sure he isn't filming you, then take only what you consider important, that is, bank details, passport, birth certificate and stuff that's sentimental to you. Jewellery that belongs to you too. Pack a case or rucksack with some clothes and go! I would then ensure he couldn't track your phone. Do you have a car? If so, fill it with as many of your belongings as you can in an hour or less. Speed is your friend here. Then check he hasn't put a tracker on your car. Best of luck

Yes definitely. With no children OP, you don't have to prove anything as part of a custody battle.

Why record him? What's the point. You know you're not imagining it. He's abusive. We are all validating this. Just get away from this guy and start moving forward. Keep your head down and get out without huge drama. It's safer that way.

People who care about you genuinely will believe you. This is all him - no matter how much you may have screamed or shouted in retaliation. HE is the problem. You have just been ' reactive ' to ongoing taunting.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 18:00

Meerkat4321 · 21/04/2025 17:24

Thanks for the very good advice, I will attempt to record him secretly however he will likely be very, very nice to me for a little while before it kicks off again. I think I need to get out ASAP, I am going to telephone places Women's Aid have suggested and follow a plan. He's lied about close family members, and covertly tried to create a distance, saying they are lying about things he's said and done. They live close by but because of the emotional distance created, it complicates things.

I feel very ashamed to have believed him. But I am telling them today. After reading all your posts I have confided in my parents however they live quite far so can't stay there but have a friend about an hour away who has offered for me to stay. I am seeking legal advice tomorrow and have started to write things down from memory. The most recent incident happened a few days ago so it is very fresh in my mind. I wish I would've recorded that one.

We don't have children, he did not want them which makes separation simpler.

Thanks all x

Good luck OP. As you don't have children together, at least you won't need to see him ever again once you are separated/divorced.

He sounds like a scary scary man. Be very careful as abusers ramp up their behaviour when they realise that they are losing their victim/whipping boy.

Pleasealexa · 21/04/2025 18:00

Do you have children? This could be important as perhaps he's looking to make a case against you.

Mareleine · 21/04/2025 18:02

What was the outcome from all the good advice you had on your last thread on this a couple of months ago OP and what has changed about the situation that's made you post again? Because from the OP it sounds like nothing has changed.

Original poster

Meerkat4321 · 21/04/2025 18:07

Thank you, yes his behaviour has gotten worse unfortunately.

I joined mumsnet today and so I haven't posted before. I'm really glad I've posted and spoken to Womens Aid as advised here..however I have taken him back in the past. This is stopping today

OP posts:

Original poster

Meerkat4321 · 21/04/2025 18:13

I am afraid he may be collating evidence against me, yes

OP posts:

Travsmam · 21/04/2025 19:15

Sounds exactly like my ex husband…….hence the EX. It was only after I left I realised how bad the gaslighting had been. I’m now remarried to a loving wonderful man who treats me like I’m the best thing in the world. Yes we have our disagreements but it’s on equal terms where as before I was made to feel like I was always in the wrong and going off my rocker x

AdoraBell · 21/04/2025 19:18

Tell your family and friends what he is doing. Then make plans to leave because he is abusing and gaslighting you. Do not tell him you are planning to leave. Just make plans quietly and get away from him.

neilyoungismyhero · 21/04/2025 19:26

If I were you I'd be leaving ASAP but it sounds as if you're not quite up for that yet.
I would get myself a spare set of car keys though and keep them somewhere only you can find them, maybe outside?