Emotionally unavailable partner

[Lostatsea18]

Where do I start when trying to talk through relationship issues with a man who isn’t very good at communicating and has no empathy. I find it soul destroying that I try and talk to resolve issues and he sees it as moaning or me trying to start an argument when all I’m trying to do is make things better. He then shuts down and I get upset. Any advice is much appreciated before I give up altogether like he has x

Do not bother with this man any longer because he will never be available emotionally to anyone.

So just give up? He can be a caring and a kind man in other ways, mainly with money and small gestures like making me a cup of tea in the morning but any kind of communication when things are tough is just so difficult.

Dump and run, you can't change him as he's shown you who he is.

Yes give up because he's not fulfilling your brief and he will get worse as life throws more challenges at you. You find someone who is emotionally available from the beginning. You should never change someone to fit in with your ideal of what a partner should be. That person should be your ideal from the start, not an ongoing project.

You deserve better from a relationship than Mr Emotionally unavailable with you currently being the Fallback girl. It requires little effort to make a cup of tea and if you’re using that as one of his good points it’s a low bar you’ve set for yourself here.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Do this course to help you recognise red flags in a partner before you get together.

Have you thought about couple's counselling? There's obviously a communication problem that counselling might help with.

The fact you even wrote your second post means you care , I think frame it as a how do you think we’re doing, horrendously like dealing with a teen (I’m sorry but they’re like that sometimes!), tell him you’re worried and if you love him, say it x best of luck op

He won’t entertain counselling at all. I have actually just finished CBT therapy to try and help how I respond but I feel I’m trying to change and help the relationship but he isn’t.

Then there is no future for you and this is actually an emotionally abusive relationship which you should exit.

There is no answer. I’ve been with one 7 years

Have you thought about doing couple's counselling yourself? You don't need to go with him. It can help you look at your dynamic as a couple and your role in it. It can also teach you different ways of communicating.

It’s so hard isn’t it because obviously no relationship is perfect and maybe I am setting a low bar with the cup of tea making me happy. I’m happy with the simple things in life. I do care and love him very much which is why I try and see his point of view but sometimes I need something back which I’m just not getting. So hard to just give up on 12 years

Sorry I think it's a fundamental part of a relationship so it would be a deal breaker for me, that he was unable to communicate in this way and had no empathy.

Thanks for everyone’s replies btw. It’s nice to get different points of view when it’s hard to think straight or know what to do for the best

@spicemaiden how do you cope with it? I’m 12 years in and struggling

What was his upbringing like? Most people that act this way, do so because they had unloving/emotionally neglectful parents.

Would he consider counselling if you gave him an ultimatum between that or you leaving him?

I certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship where he wasn’t willing to acknowledge or work on this, because it is in no way fair on you to accept this unfulfilling life.

Why should you do all the work while he does nothing.
Things won't get better if it'd just one sided.
Why stay?

@Maitri108 I’ve just done cbt therapy which has helped me a lot so I’m a lot better then I used to be but feel I just let things go now so nothing gets resolved

@ReesesCupcake his upbringing wasn’t the best and he’s like the black sheep. Doesn’t have a great relationship with his Mum, his relationship with his Dad is a little better. I’m close to giving him an ultimatum if things don’t change but it’s scary turning mine and my kids life upside down.

CBT is very different to couple's counselling. However if you don't want to do anymore, that's fair enough.

A relationship is made up of two people and you can't make it work by yourself. I would focus on other aspects of my life and leave him to it.

@Kimbo180 I shouldn’t do all the work. I guess my post is one last shot at if there is anything else I can try before I give up.

I was you, wondering what to do, how I can change my way of addressing things, etc…but to be honest, I don’t think men like this can change. You either accept it because the positives outweigh this problem or move on. I chose option one, we’re now married and have a baby and this problem magnified. Looking back this was a mistake, I now know that it is a fundamental thing in a relationship and if we didn’t have a baby then I wouldn’t stay.

I wouldn’t bother. He won’t change.

Depends how important this is to you. Is it a deal breaker? If it's still like this in 5 /10 years time how will you feel?
As PP said you can do relationship counselling alone.
However, this may just be who he is and you may have to decide to take it or leave it.

You can't make someone change. If he's not emotionally available what kind of husband, or father would he be? He has to want to change, and he doesn't. So, hurt yourself now and end it before you commit to a lifetime of this.