Emotionally unavailable partner

[Lostatsea18]

Where do I start when trying to talk through relationship issues with a man who isn’t very good at communicating and has no empathy. I find it soul destroying that I try and talk to resolve issues and he sees it as moaning or me trying to start an argument when all I’m trying to do is make things better. He then shuts down and I get upset. Any advice is much appreciated before I give up altogether like he has x

@TheFatCatsWhiskers1 I’m absolutely willing to work on myself to make things better for us both, I always have been and understand that has to happen in relationships to help them work for the better. The worry is like you say he probably can’t change because it’s just him.

@Cinai2 We are way past the dating stage, been together 12 years! I think I’ve managed this long because I am an independent person myself but getting to the point where I know he’s given up and I’m starting to aswell. He’s happier in the pub with his friends while I’m home with my kids. He calls me boring quite often so I guess he’s just bored of me now. I never rely on him if I have troubles with my kids anymore. Very sad

To be honest I’m not. Not at all.

I've just been broken up with after 9 years by someone who was like this. I describe him as emotionally stunted. Complete inability to talk about his feelings about anything. He'd get frustrated with me and would shout and/or clam up anytime I tried to talk to him about anything that was even slightly challenging.

He decided to end things with me and said he'd tried to talk to me about how he was feeling for several months. He hadn't.

I look back at our relationship now we haven't spoken/seen each other in a few weeks (he's moved out temporarily) and realise how difficult it was to talk to him about anything. I do wonder if his upbringing (quite emotionally unavailable parents) has affected him.

My point is that you can choose to put up with it but it will continue to be frustrating for you. And it sounds as if you are at the end of your tether, OP. I'm really sorry. I know how difficult it is to be in a relationship with someone like this.

@GreenwayHouse How they like to put the blame on us to make themselves feel better. It sounds like he’s done you a favour. I’ve decided I’m going to concentrate on myself and work on becoming mentally stronger and then give him a choice of getting professional help or I walk away. I knew I’d always get to the point where I’d just had enough and I’m so close to that now

People with this sort of character are unlikely to change or reflect on their behaviour. Their very make up is to blame others.
My dear old dad used to say 'no sense flogging a dead horse' - DH does not stand for 'darling husband' but 'dead horse'.
Get your ducks in a row, get practical and start making the move towards a life you deserve.

@Sunflowers67 I can’t say I’m expecting much from him so I will definitely start to look at my financial position too. I’ve got a decent job and a decent amount of equity so I could afford another place for me and my kids