Emotionally unavailable partner

[Lostatsea18]

Where do I start when trying to talk through relationship issues with a man who isn’t very good at communicating and has no empathy. I find it soul destroying that I try and talk to resolve issues and he sees it as moaning or me trying to start an argument when all I’m trying to do is make things better. He then shuts down and I get upset. Any advice is much appreciated before I give up altogether like he has x

@Maitri108 I am currently putting more effort into doing the things I enjoy and leaving him to it. I think the space will do us both good.

@Cinai2 It’s so hard isn’t it. When things are good it makes you forget when things aren’t so good. Does it make you feel really unhappy or do you just get on with things?

@S0j0urn4r He is very important to me hence why I’m still trying to make it work but sadly I think he’s just like that and won’t change so I am considering leaving. I certainly can’t continue for another 5 years.

I sympathise with you. My ex was like that. A kind person and generous with money but zero emotional intelligence. Once I fell down the stairs and hurt myself (we lived apart) and when I told him about it during our evening call he was just like ‘and…?’ 😳. And any time I wasn’t feeling so great he was very unfeeling and all round not a great communicator. Despite being in love with him and him being absolutely gorgeous (think an older David Beckham mixed with Sean Bean 😅), it was part of my reasons for breaking up with him. It’s a horrible lonely feeling being in a relationship where you’re constantly the other persons everything but they’re essentially just guvung you what I could do for myself anyway (eg money, buy gifts) and nothing else ever. I just realised I couldn’t face growing old with someone like this - may as well get a dog in that case!

@NaiceBalonz He would never marry me, he’s always said that as he’s been married before. I’m ok with that though. We also won’t be having children together, we have 4 children between us and we’re both done in that sense. That’s one thing if we split up, it’s just the house together sort. Nothing else and no ties

My OH was the same - 15 years in together and I have one foot out the door (complications of home ownership preventing it right now) - but I am done. I am so done, that I am done with bells on.

The problem with a relationship like this is when it is early days and possibly for the first couple of years, you are still in that pink fluffy cloud of love and passion. You don't have any huge problems or challenges to face as a couple.
As the years go by and more life problems present - you need each other more. You confide in each other about your worries and fears, you may start to lose people as they get older, have health issues, money problems, children may come along.....that is life. It is continually changing and causing us stress and worry.

The passion usually diminishes a little due to 'life' and then you get to see what is left of that couple that you once were/or thought you were.

After 12 years, I am sure this isn't just starting to happen or be noticeable to you?

A relationship isn't all about the good times, its about being able to discuss things with another adult human being. If you have one that is not open to communication and sees it as you trying to start an argument - he is inherently flawed.

Don't waste another 12 years.

But are you important to him?
This was the realisation I had to come to. I wasn’t. He’d never change and no amount of finding different ways to express my feelings or setting boundaries would change his behaviour. One person doing the work on themselves isn’t enough. There has to be equal effort and compromise to come back from this. It doesn’t sound like there will be.

I tried and waited and waited some more for my emotionally unavailable ex to change. In the end I checked out. He would give and say enough to keep me around but then nothing would change.

I think you eventually get to the point where you are just done.

@Sunflowers67 It has obviously been an ongoing problem which I’ve just put up with because I thought the good outweighed the bad. In the last 18 months I’ve had a torrid time with my teenage son who had the typical teenage problems and I’ve had to be there for him more than he’s ever needed me. I think that pushed my partner away and he got abit jealous but he was never really there to support me so I felt alone doing what any Mum would do to get their child out of a low time. Things have then just got worse between us. No communication, less conversation, I’ve starting to distance myself. I don’t ask for his help anymore. That kind of thing. A downward spiral and I’m now at a crossroads. I’m glad you have got to a point where you know you’re done 👏

@HeatedBlanketAllYear He says he loves me and wants to be with me once he’s over the none communicating. I just find it hard to believe sometimes but I think that’s my problem. He always says no matter what he says it’s never good enough. I’ve worked hard on believing him and then he’ll do something to make me question it all again

@BlondeMummyto1 I hope I get to that point. It’s sending me mad at the minute

Your final shot is clear.
You give him the ultimatum to stop hurting you with his shit behaviour, or you separate. And follow through.

Its his job to do the introspection & heal if he wants to be a better partner - you deciding he has chronic attachment disorder and that's why he's emotionally immature or whatever makes zero difference to the fact he treated you like shit today.

Tldr: start centering yourself in your own life.

I appreciate this reads harshly but it's kindly meant and I really do empathise.

He’s currently at the pub and has been since 12 while I’m at home wondering where I went wrong 😔

@BadBerlin Thank you, happy to hear harsh words when I know it’s true. I think an ultimatum is needed for both of us, at least we know where we stand then.
I have already started to put more time and effort into myself and my life. Joined the gym, started reading more, started seeing friends more etc so I’ll continue with that and leave him to do the same as I do care for him and want him to be happy too.

Its a bit of a cycle usually - they do something to upset you or something outside of the relationship has upset you - so you try and talk it out with the one person that you want to help you, the one person that you love and trust to help you. But what do they do? They then blame you for being over emotional/irrational/stupid or crazy for even worrying about this 'minor' thing and you walk away wondering what the hell just happened.
You don't feel better for having shared this with them - you now have another worry to add to the one that you originally went to them with.

Why don't they care about me? Why are they not listening and helping? Why hasn't he hugged me and told me everything will be okay and we are in this together?

Our minds/brains are designed to seek answers for these questions so it comes up with the most rational explanation 'obviously I am not good enough' or 'I am doing something wrong' or maybe he is right and I am too emotional/hormonal/sensitive'.
This is emotional abuse - its confusing and leaves you wondering what you did wrong.
NOTHING. You have done nothing wrong except stay with someone long overdue their sell-by date. Only when you step away do you begin to realise.

Sorry - sounds like I'm on a soap box! I am one of the enlightened ones now following some therapy, lots of self help books and the mind fog having cleared from years of the emotional f*cktard's utter crap and nonsense that I always thought was my fault🙄

OP I am married to a man like this. Its very hard.

He sounds avoidant. He probably does have empathy but doesn't know how to express it or feels uncomfortable expressing it, possibly because it wasn't something that was given to him as a child. If he was starting to feel a bit neglected during the period you were focusing on your son then an avoidant response to that would be to withdraw, because communicating the need for more affection/attention would not only be uncomfortable but could lead to rejection. And if it is the case that it stems from an avoidant attachment, he won't want to talk about it because it will mean having to deal with difficult emotions.

Or he could just be an arse who doesn't give a shit. Regardless, the effect on you is the same and he's unlikely to change, so you have to work out whether this is something you can live with or not. I'm like him. I'm deliberately single.

@Sunflowers67 yes things are usually my fault. Why can’t I just brush things under the carpet like he does blah blah blah. Thankfully I’ve done CBT therapy so I now know certain things are his problem and not mine. I’ve always been one to apologise when I’ve done something wrong, I find it quite easy so find it hard when he can’t do the same. I think I do need to leave to realise. Even my kids are starting to notice I’m so sad at the moment and that’s the last thing I want

#Lostatsea18 "He’s currently at the pub and has been since 12 while I’m at home wondering where I went wrong"

It's so annoying when they just carry on as normal whilst you feel like you are breaking and carrying the weight of the whole world/relationship.
I would be crying and he would be singing and whistling!

That's because they don't want to be involved in our worries or upsets. How dare you upset his life with your silly little worries. It's not his business, away with you woman!

This is not you!

If he came to you upset and needing your help, reassurance, a hug - what would you do? Feck off down the pub with your mates and leave him to it? Dismiss him as inconsequential? No, of course you wouldn't. Not many people would.

I'm sorry that you seem to have met my OH's twin brother :-)

@TheFatCatsWhiskers1 Yes I think that’s what’s happened hence why I think trying to change a few small things would make a big difference. He did feel pushed away for sure, it took him 3 months to tell me though and I asked him on several occasions what the problem was and we could work through it. I couldn’t have done any more to try and see it from his point of view. Once he’s realised he’s in the wrong he does show little signs of empathy, it just takes so long and hurts me in the process. Maybe I need to do the kind thing and let him be on his own if that would be better for him.

You give an ultimatum. Seen as he loves you so much and doesn't want to be without you, he can seek help for his communication issues and emotional dysregulation, or he can loose you.
I put up with this crap and alot more for around 4/5 years before finally saying enough. My partner cared enough and genuinly meant it when he said he didn't want to loose me so he got help and we've never been better. I'd say it's about time you find out if your partner means what he says

@Sunflowers67 I’ve worked really hard at not crying in front of him anymore because he makes me feel worse.
I have been there for him through some awful times but he’s one of those people that just needs to be left alone so does the same to me.
He does have a twin brother who is just like him haha

@Whowhatwhere21 its good to know that it does work and they can change for the better with help. I think an ultimatum is my only option. I’ve been to therapy to work on myself so like you say it’s his turn now.

It may or may not be better for him, it's not your job to try to figure this stuff out though. For what it's worth, I would like to be in a loving relationship but I know from past experiences how much I struggle to communicate and how I shut down, and how many rows this led to.

I’ve been to therapy to work on myself so like you say it’s his turn now.

I really get this, but, realistically... therapy might be helpful, but it's unlikely it will result in him suddenly communicating in a healthy way, at least in the short term. The deep discomfort around emotions is ingrained. It won't suddenly vanish over 12 sessions, if ever.

If you both want to be together, I think couples therapy would be better in the short term, to understand and find ways of working with each other's style of communication. Going in from the angle of one style being 'right' and one style being 'wrong' is unlikely to work.

Exactly…our times were overwhelmingly good and I was a quite independent and positive person so him being emotionally unavailable didn’t seem a massive problem, we had the random argument every 3-4 months but everything else was great. But pregnancy and having a baby really changed things because these are times where you do need someone sometimes…he’s hands on with the baby but I can’t share any feelings with him without him shutting down. I am deeply unhappy and I will leave as soon as practicalities allow it. I wouldn’t take it further with this man if I were you, from my experience these problems might seem small during the dating stage but there will be times in your life where you need more. I learned this the hard way.

There’s only 2 options here really… Accept this is how he is and that he won’t change, and settle for a relationship where you lack important fundamental parts of a relationship. Or decide you deserve more and leave now before this relationship becomes more soul destroying..
You’re honestly wasting your own time trying to change him, he has no desire to grow as a person..