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Original poster

Bf of 4 years no longer wants children

59 replies

Squiggles88 · 17/04/2025 20:15

Good evening everyone. I know this kind of problem has been asked a million times over but I just want to vent. I (37 F) have been with my bf (27 M) i was very upfront in the beginning what I wanted and he was very enthusiastic that he was the man that fit the bill. At the time I was 33 and taking my time to find the right person. I felt like I should open my options up to the possibility of finding the right person and being open-minded to men both older and younger than myself.
When I met my bf we met up and there was an instant spark. We liked all the same things and had incredible energy. He said quite quickly that he could imagine, marriage and children, travelling and making the most of life. Fast forward to now and he says he doesn't want kids. The reason I chose him was because he did want the same things. I at the time was dating as much as I could to narrow down the right guy and other guys I had met were great guys but just didn't feel right. I don't know what to do now as I feel crushed. I know I should leave but I don't think there's much chance for me to start over and meet someone to have children at my age now anyway. Anyway that's my vent. Sorry if it was a ramble.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 17/04/2025 20:18

Honestly I think this is always the obvious risk with dating a man 10 years younger than you as a woman when you do want a family. 27 is still very young really, lots of people aren’t ready for children at 27 but are at 30+, especially these days. The problem for you is that by waiting until he wants them, you’ll potentially be unable to have them, whereas he then still can.

Eagle2025 · 17/04/2025 20:23

If you stay then you definitely won't have children whereas if you leave and find someone else there is still time. If he has been honest how he is feeling now then no point staying x

BySnappyKoala · 17/04/2025 20:25

I’m really sorry, OP — this sounds incredibly tough. Have you been trying to conceive without success, or has he been delaying starting TTC?

Of course, anyone is entitled to change their mind about having kids. But if he’s been stringing you along while knowing deep down that he never really wanted kids, that’s unforgivable in my book.

You need to take some time to reflect on how important having children is to you. Would you be willing to pursue it on your own, possibly through IVF? And if you decide to stay with him, could you live with the resentment of feeling like he took away your chance at motherhood?

Be careful not to fall into the sunk cost fallacy — if having a family is a priority for you, then you don’t have a minute to lose in finding someone to do that with. It’s not impossible to but staying with him may be worse.

BillyBoe46 · 17/04/2025 20:29

You need to decide if you want a life with him or a life with a child.

Realistically, you could pick him and in a few years he could want kids and it could be too late for you. He doesnt need to worry about his biological clock.

You could opt for donor insemination and be a single mum.

You can't really afford to wait to male a decision.

In the short term it might be worth having a fertility MOT. I think at my fertility clinic it was only £250 for women. At least you'd know where you're at fertility wise. Unfortunately, egg quality starts to decrease from 35 but its not hopeless you could have kids in your 40s.

waterrat · 17/04/2025 20:32

Is he saying he absolutely 100 per cent wants to spend his life with you - but not have kids? or is it less clear - and he is generally not committing?

the problem is he has SO many years to change his mind. and you really need to crack on with it. He could completely change his mind in 5 years and meet someone else and start then.

It's true that at 27 he is (for our modern culture) on the young side of having babies.

Does he understand if he doesn't now he will lose you?

IF you are really committed to each other then perhaps counselling so he understands he is going to lose you?

FortyElephants · 17/04/2025 20:33

When you met he was 23. A barely formed adult. He probably didn't know what he wanted. He will probably have kids with someone in 10-15 years time, but he's not ready now. It was always a massive risk when you chose someone so much younger, it sucks for you but you need to move on.

waterrat · 17/04/2025 20:33

It's true that there is the added tension that even if he agrees to do it when he is 'ready' you don't have time to wait.

Maitri108 · 17/04/2025 20:34

He was very young when you met and just agreed with everything you said.

2025willbemytime · 17/04/2025 20:38

He's just another one where it doesn't feel right. No man is worth giving up the chance to have a child for. My neighbour didn't find out until after she married that her h didn't want kids. Brutal.

outerspacepotato · 17/04/2025 21:52

You're no longer compatible. This was a risk when you chose to date someone so young. Now, he doesn't want children and you do and your fertile time is nearer to its end.

GeorgianaM · 17/04/2025 21:57

You can't really hold him to what he said when he was only 23, but have to accept that he is probably happy being children for the next five to ten years and then he may change his mind.
That's leaving it too late for you so it's best you part ways now.

Really work on yourself to be in the best musical and mental shape and get out there and meet new people. It's not too late .

vincettenoir · 17/04/2025 22:09

Sorry this has happened.

category12 · 17/04/2025 23:37

Given he's 10 years younger, he might change his mind again about having kids once your biological clock has run out of time.

There's no guarantees the relationship will last a lifetime.

With the age gap, I think it's more likely (than perhaps if he was the same age or older saying this), that he'll have another change of heart after it's too late for you, and you could end up with neither him nor kids.

I'd pick having kids tbh.

Sodthesystem · 18/04/2025 02:08

Oh come on now op, no 23 year old wants kids. They just say whatever you want to hear.

Often guys don't even start to think about children till their mid 30s. I'd be surprised if he wanted them at 27.

But if he does change his mind, you'll probably be passed the age.

I'd choose a man I'd loved for 10 years over non existent kids tbh. But then I'm a realist. It's hard to find a happy relationship these days. I wouldn't give it up for gold dust.

Helpmeplease2025 · 18/04/2025 02:12

He will probably have them at some point, but doesn’t want them yet. This is the issue with age-gap relationships

Daschund1 · 18/04/2025 03:16

That's a lot to put on someone at 23, 27 is still very young. It wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't change his mind in ten years time, but he can because he doesn't have the same time constraint.
I'd leave because I don't think you're compatible. You might feel cheated but I think you were quite unreasonable given his age.

Darkambergingerlily · 18/04/2025 03:47

I think you need to finish the relationship and at least give yourself a shot of following your heart and having a baby. It would be a disservice to yourself to give up your dreams and hopes. I can see it as a deathbed regret

BlondiePortz · 18/04/2025 03:52

vincettenoir · 17/04/2025 22:09

Sorry this has happened.

What that someome ar 27 says they don't want children?

CaptainFuture · 18/04/2025 03:55

Agree with op, he's far too young. At what point did you bring children into conversation with a 23 yo?!

FearistheMindKillerr · 18/04/2025 04:06

He deceived you so I would have absolutely no qualms about flushing my contraception and having “an accident”. I assume he hasn’t been snipped.

Women do this all the time and it serves these future fakers right. At least you can get child maintenance from him if he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. Your other option would be IVF with donor sperm and that’s both costly, leaves the child without a father in the picture at all and doesn’t come with child maintenance.

Seriously, fuck these men who think they can run down a woman’s clock without consequences.

BlondiePortz · 18/04/2025 04:55

FearistheMindKillerr · 18/04/2025 04:06

He deceived you so I would have absolutely no qualms about flushing my contraception and having “an accident”. I assume he hasn’t been snipped.

Women do this all the time and it serves these future fakers right. At least you can get child maintenance from him if he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. Your other option would be IVF with donor sperm and that’s both costly, leaves the child without a father in the picture at all and doesn’t come with child maintenance.

Seriously, fuck these men who think they can run down a woman’s clock without consequences.

Any thought of the actual child born out of this or is the child themself just an accessory?

Neemie · 18/04/2025 05:23

He’ll probably want them when he is your age.

sewsewsewyourboats · 18/04/2025 05:26

He told you what you wanted to hear to stay in a relationship with you. Now it’s time to make plans/move forward he’s been honest. But basically he’s wasted the past four years of your life and now he can remain happily child free or in 10/15/20 years he can change his mind and start a family. That’s his luxury but not yours. I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for not telling you sooner so I would move on regardless of whether I met another man or got to have kids. But lots of people do have kids in their late thirties/early forties.

btw I also met my dh when he was 23 ( I was 29) slightly different as I already had two children so was a bit more ambivalent about having more. Dh was always adamant he wanted a family but not until closer to 30. We had our son when dh was 30 and I was 37.

Honestly I would walk away now and try to find what you want.

CleanShirt · 18/04/2025 05:48

FearistheMindKillerr · 18/04/2025 04:06

He deceived you so I would have absolutely no qualms about flushing my contraception and having “an accident”. I assume he hasn’t been snipped.

Women do this all the time and it serves these future fakers right. At least you can get child maintenance from him if he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. Your other option would be IVF with donor sperm and that’s both costly, leaves the child without a father in the picture at all and doesn’t come with child maintenance.

Seriously, fuck these men who think they can run down a woman’s clock without consequences.

Or he changed his mind, as he is entitled to do?

Doing anything you've suggested is really quite awful.

PurBal · 18/04/2025 05:58

This is incredibly frustrating. I think it’s time to move on. Fwiw my mum met my dad at 36, children at 37 and 39.

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