Bf of 4 years no longer wants children

[Squiggles88]

Good evening everyone. I know this kind of problem has been asked a million times over but I just want to vent. I (37 F) have been with my bf (27 M) i was very upfront in the beginning what I wanted and he was very enthusiastic that he was the man that fit the bill. At the time I was 33 and taking my time to find the right person. I felt like I should open my options up to the possibility of finding the right person and being open-minded to men both older and younger than myself.
When I met my bf we met up and there was an instant spark. We liked all the same things and had incredible energy. He said quite quickly that he could imagine, marriage and children, travelling and making the most of life. Fast forward to now and he says he doesn't want kids. The reason I chose him was because he did want the same things. I at the time was dating as much as I could to narrow down the right guy and other guys I had met were great guys but just didn't feel right. I don't know what to do now as I feel crushed. I know I should leave but I don't think there's much chance for me to start over and meet someone to have children at my age now anyway. Anyway that's my vent. Sorry if it was a ramble.

Well that says a lot about you as a person.

OP, please don’t do that. That’s just a horrible suggestion.

He was very young when you met him. People are allowed to change their mind and he is still only 27. I think you need to decide whether you want to stay with him and potentially not have kids, or move on.

I don't see how it makes sense to advise OP that her relationship is "like gold dust", when in the same post you're saying he might well change his mind about children once she's past the age.

What will he do then? He'll likely leave her to have dc with someone else. In which case, she ends up with neither.

Sorry OP I think it was a dangerous game to date someone 10yrs younger at your key child rearing age . He either doesn’t want them full stop or doesn’t want them with someone 10yrs older because when he’s ready he’ll likely be early / mid 30’s and you’ll be knocking on the door of 50 . Sadly I think it’s the latter .

OP, if you know you want kids then I would take action now. Fertility starts declining more steeply after 38.

Look at your options.

Would you consider using a donor?

It could also be an idea to look at freezing eggs and/or embryos. (Eggs have a higher attrition rate than embryos but could give you some more options if you meet someone into your 40s). It might sound extreme, but these could be insurance options you are very glad of having created a little further down the line. You might meet someone and conceive naturally in the meantime, but planning your fertility could take the pressure off and mean you don’t at some point find it is too late and you’re out of options.

If you really really want a child and have the financial means then make it your mission. Get straight to a Danish ivf clinic where the blessed vikings feel it is a social good to donate sperm and get it done.

In my experience you can find a man after the fact (if you really want one). And being a single mum as long as you have resources is fine.

I would kick the disappointing boyfriend to the kerb

Yes

I love the "musical shape"! 🎼🎶

How long after meeting him did you start discussing that you wanted children in your future?

And were you vague about it? Did you say, “Do you want children one day because I do?”

Or were you more specific, for example, “I really want children one day and ideally by the age of 35/36 I would like to be trying for a baby. How do you feel about that?”

If you gave him a ‘timeline’ kind of scenario and he agreed to it, and now he’s telling you he doesn’t want children then I can understand why you’d be so angry/upset.

However, if you had been quite vague about the matter, a 23 year old male probably had very little knowledge about women’s fertility and that having children “someday in the future” could mean 10 years away, instead of the 4 years it currently is.

This was a big risk to take when you started a serious relationship with a 23 year old when you were coming up to the age of your fertility starting to reduce.

@Squiggles88 - I’m sorry you’re in this position. That’s very hard for you. I agree with PP that you were a bit naive choosing a 23 year old as your partner for this endeavour as it was always very likely that you wouldn’t be ready for children at the same time and by the time he’s ready (if he ever is), your fertility window may have closed.

Even if you stay together at this point and you forego children, there’s a real risk that he will change his mind when it’s too late for you and leave you to have children with a younger woman. I have seen this happen to women.

So you need to work out ASAP how important it is to you to have children and whether you’re able to go it alone.

I’d leave, you never no you might find someone else. And there’s always a risk he will change his mind again in 10 years when it’s too late for you to have kids, and leave you anyway.

Why specifically Denmark?!

I would recommend Greece personally! But I’m sure there are lots of options.

The Danes have the best genetics. It’s where I was looking into IVF before I met my DP.

Oh pull the other one. Pretty much every woman who was with a slow to commit man has done it. I didn’t have to but I was 100% prepared to make it happen rather than let motherhood pass me by.

😂😂😂

All thoughts are about the child - better to give them a father they will meet and who will probably be in their lives and possibly contributing financially to their upbringing, rather than some anonymous sperm donor.

We are all entitled to want or not want children - and for how we feel about that to change as time goes on, as we mature.

Love, with the greatest respect, he's ten years younger than you.

We only reach neurological maturity in our mid twenties. It may well be that part of it is that he doesn't want children yet,
he may simply not feel ready to be a father.

He has a good few years for that to change. You don't have that luxury, and he may be increasingly feeling your timescales are a pressure on him.

His mates may have partners their age and younger, and he may be considering realistic facts like when he's 30 you'll be facing peri menopause. It's harsh, but it's all possible.

And talking about him as your boyfriend, not partner/fiancé etc, suggests that may be how he now sees your relationship.

I dont believe he suddenly doesn't want kids at all, he's probably just realised he has far more time to wait than you. He has the luxury of waiting until 2045 to be a father if he likes. It doesnt sound like his future plans involve you. Im sorry, i hope you leave him asap and get the baby you want x

He was only 23 when you met him and you were making sure that he was the one that was going to fulfill your future dreams and expectations. So you really gave him the 3rd°. He simply went along with it . Now he’s older he realises it’s not what he wants, not now anyway . He’s still so young . He could possibly change his mind in let’s say 10 years. I think you should move on.

No. Not every woman has done it. Some of us have morals and understand the importance of honesty and trust. So let’s not paint all women with your tainted brush.

I worry for the children born to such women who think it’s ok to manipulate in such a way. These are probably the narcissist mothers people post about.

Tainted brush woah-oh-oh

What? 😅

You belong in jail. Fyi.

Usually men don't leave a happy relationship. Not even for hypothetical kids they've taken a notion to the idea of.

They might use wanting kids to escape a relationship they are done with TBF, perhaps as they have their eye on someone else. But that's not the same thing

I know someone who met her husband at 38 and went on to have three children.

If you stay with him you'll never know what might have been.

You have already stayed with him too long, don't waste any more of your precious time.