Husband asking equal share of salary but not helping with chores

[MMRa]

Hello,

Need some family advice. Pls be kind and sorry for this long post. I think these details are important.

I supported my husband through when he was not working for 7 years ( 2011-17). In 2018, I got redundant and because I was pregnant, I took break from career, which got extended due to covid and then LO put on neurodevelopmental pathway. I really struggled as husband was not helpful and constantly made me feel that since I was not working, I was responsible for every house chore and children. I couldn’t go back to work until recently when I finally got a job ( I was without job from 2019-2024 during which he only paid for food and never gave me any money for my own expenses or taking kids to holiday - for which I drew money from my redundancy money).

Now that I have had a job for last one month, he says he wants 50% of all expenses shared. I agreed saying that I’ll need equality with house chores also. He initially said yes saying he’ll do that, but since I started he has been making more work for himself at office and I end up doing all school runs for the LO ( 6 year old)and cooking and washing. He only helps with putting shopping and LO to bed when he can ( and most days he’ll say he is tired, so I end up doing that also). When I discuss he says he does things for older one ( 15 yo). Our son doesn’t really need any help. He only asks to be driven around sometimes to school or clubs. I do everything else for him.

Today we had a row abt it. And I told him that I’ll not give full half share as he is not sharing duties at home. Instead I’ll deduct some money as if it was being given to a house help to help me. He got very angry and left in a rage saying that if I don’t give 50%, he’ll leave and I can then live with kids on my own.

sorry for this long post, but pls advise me what should I do? We have had a very difficult marriage so far, but stayed together as kids are our priority. But today listening those words from him really shattered me. I am dealing strong with it, but very confused whom to look for support if this thing happens. Pls guide me .

Don't let him leave - kick him out and start divorce proceedings. He's financially and emotionally abusive, and if you think that this doesn't affect the children, you are mistaken.
Imagine the lovely life you will have when he's gone and it's just you and the kids.

This 👆🏻

Has he paid you back for when he was not working for 7 years prior to you having your child? I am not sure you should stay with this man if he is so difficult to live with. In the meantime I would do as you have been doing and not pay full amount until he helps out 50%. Being tired is no excuse and neither is staying late at work to avoid helping at home.

He’s a bully and talking about your lives like your barely acquaintances rather than a family and partners.

I’d be saying bye 👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼

What a great idea husband, let me help you leave, but he won’t go. He thinks you can manipulated.
Stop the wife work for him. If he can reasonable it might be worth contributing financially if he contributes by helping out with the children and housework. If he won’t take care of his responsibilities then let him take care of himself and pay half as room mates. I can’t see how this is any good for the dc though.

Most Men are so selfish, entitled and lazy💔

I’m shocked by all the years you cared for a child with complex needs without any money for yourself. That alone was financial abuse, never mind his latest behaviour.

Let him leave. If he doesn’t (and I bet he doesn’t, why would he? ) you should make a plan to leave him. He won’t change.

Sounds like he financially abused you while you weren't working. And you sorted him presumably without the financial abuse. And now he wants to have it all, again.
This is not right, OP. Don't let him destabilise your new job. Let him leave.

He sounds horrible the way he is dealing with this. But he is probably fed up of financially supporting you and the family for years. I agree with time to call it a datpy as he has no respect for you.

The trouble with living with this sort of thing is that it all becomes the norm and you lose perspective. Here's a bit of perspective ....
This is not normal behaviour in a partnership .... let him leave so you can lead a less stressful life. Wave him goodbye.

She supported him while he didn't work are you suggesting he was right to feel fed up when returning the favour?

Exactly - and not only was she supporting him for years but by the sounds of it she was doing the majority of the housework too.

Now she’s back at work and he is still expecting her to do most things at home while contributing 50/50. How is that fair?

@Viviennemary OPs husband doesn’t have a leg to stand on - he has zero right to be fed up of financially supporting the family. She will contribute 50/50 financially when he contributes 50/50 at home. Can’t say fairer than that.

It’s one of the most bizarre features of many modern relationships. I have walked away from men in the dating stages when I’ve realised this is low key what they want - a submissive breadwinner. I was lucky to see the signs but of course some men do switch up after marriage and/or kids.