Husband asking equal share of salary but not helping with chores

[MMRa]

Hello,

Need some family advice. Pls be kind and sorry for this long post. I think these details are important.

I supported my husband through when he was not working for 7 years ( 2011-17). In 2018, I got redundant and because I was pregnant, I took break from career, which got extended due to covid and then LO put on neurodevelopmental pathway. I really struggled as husband was not helpful and constantly made me feel that since I was not working, I was responsible for every house chore and children. I couldn’t go back to work until recently when I finally got a job ( I was without job from 2019-2024 during which he only paid for food and never gave me any money for my own expenses or taking kids to holiday - for which I drew money from my redundancy money).

Now that I have had a job for last one month, he says he wants 50% of all expenses shared. I agreed saying that I’ll need equality with house chores also. He initially said yes saying he’ll do that, but since I started he has been making more work for himself at office and I end up doing all school runs for the LO ( 6 year old)and cooking and washing. He only helps with putting shopping and LO to bed when he can ( and most days he’ll say he is tired, so I end up doing that also). When I discuss he says he does things for older one ( 15 yo). Our son doesn’t really need any help. He only asks to be driven around sometimes to school or clubs. I do everything else for him.

Today we had a row abt it. And I told him that I’ll not give full half share as he is not sharing duties at home. Instead I’ll deduct some money as if it was being given to a house help to help me. He got very angry and left in a rage saying that if I don’t give 50%, he’ll leave and I can then live with kids on my own.

sorry for this long post, but pls advise me what should I do? We have had a very difficult marriage so far, but stayed together as kids are our priority. But today listening those words from him really shattered me. I am dealing strong with it, but very confused whom to look for support if this thing happens. Pls guide me .

Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

OP this isn't how it works- all money goes in to 1 pot, what's left after bills, food etc is divided between 2, or you have a joint discussion about things that need to be bought. My DH needed 300 for new work wear, so that was taken in to account this month. Next month i need a weddding outfit and so forth. People split housework and childcare because they are not arseholes and are grown ups.

Stick to your guns, don’t be bullied, don’t have any further discussion on it, Just do what you said you were going to do and see what happens,
If he decides to leave over something like this then he would will leave anyway at some point

The rubbish has offered to take itself out. Good. Hold the door open for him.

Well done for taking a stand. Stay strong. Hold him to his word. If he wants to leave, let him. I suspect you would all be better off and happier without him.

This

Yep, see you.

Let him leave. Go to a solicitor and rinse him for every last penny you can.

You supported him for years, he has responded by treating you like a maid and a provider. What do you get from this relationship. Just imagine your children asking you what they should do in this situation. I'm guessing you'd want them to run for the hills.
You're also role modelling relationships to your children, do you want them growing up thinking this is an acceptable relationship?

Jeez why have you stayed long enough to have multiple children with such a transactional arsehole? I‘m truly baffled how employable and solvent women have the sheer stamina to withstand shit like this over years.

Simply this .

Let him leave. Sounds like you're not happy anyway.
In the meantime, don't do his washing or cooking. Petty? Yup. Just like he's being with making other things come up so he can't do his share.

Why did he not work for seven years?

Well to be fair that's one way to work it, there's no rule to say you have to do it that way. The only factor is that both parties agree on whatever the arrangement is, clearly in this case they dont.

As everyone else has said let him leave, it sounds like there's no downside

He’ll probably do more for the DC if he has them EOW.

Doubt it. He's a fuckwit who only cares about himself.

See a lawyer OP and get divorce proceedings rolling. Your future self and kids will thank you.

Sounds like you're being offered a lucky escape! Take it.

In the meantime do not do anything for him, no laundry, food prep, don’t take in his parcels, if you do the food shopping only buy stuff you and your DC like etc.

I diagnose your H as being an arsehole. The only cure for being in close proximity with the afflicted, is don’t be. Aren’t you exhausted waiting for him to be different? Don’t be one of those women sacrificing themselves on the altar of ‘if he could only see’. He can see, he just doesn’t give a shit.

If this isn’t the type of person you’d want your child to be in a relationship with, then please don’t let your relationship be her primary relationship role model.

What a ghastly marriage. For years.

You are right. He has come back and not talking which I am not concerned abt as we hardly do. I’ll stand on my ground as every one suggested ( I am so thankful for so many kind ppl on this group). I’ll have to be watchful though as in the past he tries to make things difficult at home for me after a row. And now I feel vulnerable more as it’s a new job so really don’t want to mess that up. For the first time, I have not cried. I want him to know that I am not the same vulnerable person he used to suppress.

It’s the children I feel sorry for

Don’t let the door hit him on the way out.

What kind of an environment is this for your children op?

awful

This in total.
He is an abusive wanker who wants it all. Pack his bag and say F off.

Let him leave.