Husband asking equal share of salary but not helping with chores

[MMRa]

Hello,

Need some family advice. Pls be kind and sorry for this long post. I think these details are important.

I supported my husband through when he was not working for 7 years ( 2011-17). In 2018, I got redundant and because I was pregnant, I took break from career, which got extended due to covid and then LO put on neurodevelopmental pathway. I really struggled as husband was not helpful and constantly made me feel that since I was not working, I was responsible for every house chore and children. I couldn’t go back to work until recently when I finally got a job ( I was without job from 2019-2024 during which he only paid for food and never gave me any money for my own expenses or taking kids to holiday - for which I drew money from my redundancy money).

Now that I have had a job for last one month, he says he wants 50% of all expenses shared. I agreed saying that I’ll need equality with house chores also. He initially said yes saying he’ll do that, but since I started he has been making more work for himself at office and I end up doing all school runs for the LO ( 6 year old)and cooking and washing. He only helps with putting shopping and LO to bed when he can ( and most days he’ll say he is tired, so I end up doing that also). When I discuss he says he does things for older one ( 15 yo). Our son doesn’t really need any help. He only asks to be driven around sometimes to school or clubs. I do everything else for him.

Today we had a row abt it. And I told him that I’ll not give full half share as he is not sharing duties at home. Instead I’ll deduct some money as if it was being given to a house help to help me. He got very angry and left in a rage saying that if I don’t give 50%, he’ll leave and I can then live with kids on my own.

sorry for this long post, but pls advise me what should I do? We have had a very difficult marriage so far, but stayed together as kids are our priority. But today listening those words from him really shattered me. I am dealing strong with it, but very confused whom to look for support if this thing happens. Pls guide me .

Ask him "why are you back? If you're not going to contribute 50/50 childcare and housework I want you gone"

You deserve better OP!

Don’t pack him a bag, yet another job for you!! Let him pack his own bag

And this!!

Doesn't sound like you'd miss him on a personal level let alone him pulling his weight in the home, or paying back the net couple of years you supported him, which has conveniently been forgotten.

Nailed it. He's been financially abusing you for years and wants to continue making sure you have no money.

help him pack. you are better off without him

@MMRa why didn’t your husband work from 2011-2017 ? X

Staying in a shit relationship is never good for the children they are watching the toe rag use you and learing wrongly what relationships look like. Show them a woman doesn't need to put up with that shit.

You haven’t made it clear op why you haven’t left the relationship.

you’ve detailed that he’s awful and abusive.

and Youve said kids are your priority. That’s great. So why haven’t you separated from this abusive man so that they can have a happy childhood, without having to watch their mother be abused by their father?

Well, I'm doing all domestic and child related chores (except shops once a week) but then my DH has all the financial burden since he works so our setup is fair (one DS autistic). For you both to work and then for him to rely on you for everything at home is not fair at all.
Also he sounds abusive which is worse. You would be better of without him.

OP, you sound like a smart, tough woman who is a loving mum and who works hard. You have been anchored down by this abusive man. I'm so sorry that he does not appreciate you.

I hope that you will find a way out. Can we help you find a way?

I know your job is new, but is it reliable and stable?

How is this helpful? Sure, feel sorry for the children — but why not spare a thought for the OP too, while you’re at it?

You are very right. Until 2017 he was ok. He wasn’t great with housework but he used to help around. That’s how we ended up having two kids. But as soon as he got his citizenship. In 2018 ( he was visa dependent on me until then) when he got his citizenship - everything changed. I was jobless from 2019, and his parents also never liked me so it all became a complex household issue, and things became really difficult. Although he didn’t help much and there were issues, I only continued as he has been good to kids.

I don't accept that he's good to the kids when he is so vile to you. His behaviour towards you impacts them every day. He is only truly interested in himself

@MMRa Time to go it alone. He probably was using you for his indefinite leave to remain. My family originate from a country where it’s known as soon as the man gets his little red book (British passport) the relationship falls apart and ends.

Are your salaries around the same amount? It should only be 50% contribution to expenses if it is. If either of you are earning considerably less or more then the contribution should be worked out accordingly.

And he needs to pull his weight equally with household/childcare.

If it doesnt work for him, he can do what he has threatened to do. In fact, encourage him to do that.

If he leaves he will have to do 100% of his own household chores.

This will stagger on indefinitely as it has done for years and years

Well, I was already working in the U.K. from 2004 and 2005, we got married. In 2006 he moved here with me, and found a job. I was all ok until 2010, when he got redundant. He said he’ll freelance and I thought with his skills he could easily find a job. Since our son was born around the same time that he got redundant, times were really busy. He kept telling me that he is trying and trying and time just went on. In the meantime, I continued supporting family, until 2017, I told him that if he doesn’t find work I’ll go back to India. I actually took a sabbatical and went back to india with son. And strangely he found himself a job then. I thought everything would be fine after this, but after he got citizenship in 2018, it turned for the worse.

Both of you work, both of you live in the house. He should be doing his fair share of the housework and child-rearing.

It's 'pulling his weight' not 'helping'.

Big font because I am rhoroughly fed up of reading that men don't 'help',when they aren't doing their fair share of the work.
Housework and parenting isn't women's work that men sometimes help them with.

Please don’t think that staying together for the kids is a valid reason - my parents did that and it was a miserable household to grow up in, I wish they’d just split up.

Would you be happier living in the house without him? From everything you’ve written I can’t really see what joy he brings to your life. Imagine still being with him in 20 years - how much of your one, precious life would have been wasted.

It’s been only a month and it’s seems like a good company. And that’s more the reason I wish to be successful. It has been a lot of juggling in the past month, but I have continued to focus because I know I need it.

He wasn’t working for several years between 2011-2017, so he should’ve been amazing with housework up to 2017. Not just “helping around” are you saying you worked and he just pottered around at home and left the bulk of house work to you too?

And yet when you weren’t working he expected you to do everything. Disgusting - if he wants to leave, let him.

Sorry I know it’s too late now but for others looking at a life partner /future father of child - please take heed. Men usually get worse not better. If they're not on their A game from the start it’s likely gonna get worse not better.

Definitely a smart move from you to withhold some money while he isn’t pitching in properly. Maybe more women will adopt this strategy if they find themselves in this unfortunate situation.

Is he trying to jeopardise your job by stressing you out and causing a fuss do you think

Remind him of the time you fully supported him if he brings it up again……stand up to him, he sounds extremely tight, don’t let him try to control you financially

I really, really hate it when Mumsnetters' immediate gut reaction to any problem is "leave him", but in this case if he is giving you an ultimatum and saying he will leave unless you both cover 50% of expenses and do the majority of housework and childcare, just let him go.

He will still have to cover a chunk of the cost of raising his children and will get to wash his own pants, cook his own food and vaccuum his own floor. And where is he going to go to? You stay in the house, at least until a divorce is settled. It's fake news on his part.

If he does go through with it, he'll be crawling back within a month, probably with a bag of laundry.