Worried about daughters obsessed boyfriend...

SpecialPerson · 2025-04-17T07:49:53+00:00

My daughter 19, has been seeing a chap 23. We thought it would fizzle out when she went to university but it hasn't and she seems very loved up with her as he does with her but he is like obsessed with her and won't let her go any where or do anything he always goes to her university and when she is back for any breaks/holidays he is there and she doesn't even spend time with her family anymore as he is always there and asking her around his (he lives with his mum). She got him a job working at a pub where she worked to earn some money for university and he left when she left and said he did not like it. She gets shifts there when she is back as we know the owner and as soon as she is back he is back working there too, which he was offered several times to go back and work there but he refused and then as soon as my daughter is back he is back working there too and telling her they finish late so he should go back to hers all the time rather than going back home. We are worried sick, even her friends have commented that they don't have time with my daughter any more as he is always there. Her younger sister was so upset as she come back from uni for the easter holidays and she was promised to have girly nights and play together etc. But no she has not managed any thing, he also expects her to jump or go and speak with him every time he turns up or messages etc. Trouble is this is my daughters first relationship so she doesn't know what is good and what is bad. But from us as a family and others looking in can all see he is worryingly obsessed and controlling but she is loved up and can't see it. What are we supposed to do ? My husband keeps saying we should say something to her but I am worried it will cause upset in the family. Any ideas, anyone experienced anything like this.... Ps, I think I have said most things but ask away if not or if something is not clear and also excuse spellings, grammar etc I am dyslexic. Any help, thoughts, idea much appreciated. Thank you.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 17/04/2025 09:59

At 19, she is an adult. But.
I was in a similar situation at that age and I wish my parents had sat me down and spoken to me about it.
I wouldn’t have liked it, but I look back now and wish they’d have discussed their concerns.
Instead, I spent several years of my young life wasted on someone who held me back in every way.
In the end, my parents wouldn’t have him in the house due to his behaviour but that was three years in.
But I wish at the start they’d have talked to me.
It would have been great for my dad to tell me it was unhealthy. Because he was brought up
just after the last war. He was a huge believer in equality and supported my mum in her career. She was always off doing courses and seeing friends and he was so glad for her to do so.
I mistook it for getting older, and worthy.
I mistook the attention for love, but its control.
Talk to her, and if she gets angry, let her.
Reassure her you love her, too.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 17/04/2025 10:15

That should say older, and apathy!

Original poster

SpecialPerson · 17/04/2025 13:51

Thank you. This is the worry she is an adult yes, but she is still our daughter and we are worried. This chap is changing her and pulling her away from family and friends. We are a close family and support her and yes I feel as you said we should sit down and have a talk with her, I was just worried how to go about it without it causing ill feelings as we are close but previously when I have mentioned a couple of things she just denies it and defends him.

He always plays the victim and plays us off against her in order for her to spend time with him instead of her family. It is actually creepy, others have said it too, he does not leave her alone. Even when the family went to the pub for a bite to eat with her, before she went back to uni, he invited him self and joined us.
He even goes to the toilet with her and waits outside - it's almost like he doesn't want anyone getting close to her - I have no idea why - we are family!
Why can't she see this, she must feel trapped with him stuck to her constantly.

Sorry about the rant!

OP posts:

titchy · 17/04/2025 14:02

it's almost like he doesn't want anyone getting close to her - I have no idea why - we are family!

It’s because he’s controlling. It’s coercive control, and a form of abuse

StMarie4me · 17/04/2025 14:17

You need to make it clear to her that this is coercive control. Lovebombing. Dangerous.
I had one like this in 1979 at 16yo. Luckily I spotted the signs of an unhealthy relationship and dumped him asap. It wasn’t easy though.

You need to keep telling her. As do her friends.

S0j0urn4r · 17/04/2025 14:39

Is there a welfare/wellbeing service at Uni? Or she will probably have a personal tutor? It could be worth passing on your concerns. She may be more likely to listen to them. They could also do some general education for students on the signs of abuse, which may sink in.
She has no basis for comparison so may think this is normal.

wizzywig · 17/04/2025 14:41

He sounds suffocating.

Original poster

SpecialPerson · 17/04/2025 14:49

Thank you. I will talk to her again and get her concerned friends to also talk with her, I know they have tried but I will explain to them it would also be good coming from them as I think she thinks we just don't like him, but it's not the case we are really worried and don't know what to do, hence the post.

Oh another thing. I gave her a cuddle to say goodbye when she was leaving and she seemed a bit hesitant (I am sure it was because he was there) normally she would give me a big hug. But I happened to look up when I hugged her and my gosh the look on his face. He looked so angry and annoyed at me and her.

Sorry more I write, the more I remember, even though me and my partner rant about him and my youngest daughter constantly moans about him for taking her sister away from her and us. It is heart breaking.

OP posts:

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 17/04/2025 14:52

The following and waiting outside the toilet is very, very concerning.

Original poster

SpecialPerson · 17/04/2025 14:52

S0j0urn4r · 17/04/2025 14:39

Is there a welfare/wellbeing service at Uni? Or she will probably have a personal tutor? It could be worth passing on your concerns. She may be more likely to listen to them. They could also do some general education for students on the signs of abuse, which may sink in.
She has no basis for comparison so may think this is normal.

Oh I am not sure, I will try and find out. As you say there should be a personal tutor or well being officer. The fact he is always turning up at Uni too and her friends there are the ones who approached me saying about him. This is a good point of call which I did not think about. I will get on to this.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2025 14:55

Alarm bells re him are ringing loudly. What you do not want to do here is to further drive her into his arms. He saw some qualities in her that he has gone onto exploit and use against her; he singled her out to abuse.

Does she have siblings and or trusted friends/relatives like an aunt who can talk to her too?.

What you wrote is very similar to how a thread started many years ago with the poster going on to become estranged from her daughter due primarily to his malign influence over her, his now wife. You are dealing with a master manipulator here so be very careful in your dealings with him directly. He is and remains volatile. Try and keep her on side and to get her thinking about what her life is like with him in it.

Hoppinggreen · 17/04/2025 14:57

Unfortunately its very very hard to get people to see that its possible to be controlled "with love" and in a first relationship your DD will have nothing else to judge it by.
It would be awful if he managed to get her to leave Uni, we were in a similar position and DDs BF at the time tried to encourage her not to go.
Thankfully she wised up and dumped him and while that was pretty traumatic due to his Narc tantrums when she did it turned out well in the end BUT despite what we said she had to come to it on her own
All you can do is encourage her to become more and more independant from him and also try and engineer some space. My DD eventually dumped her BF while we were on holiday abroad and I think if he had been able to come straight round she may have taken him back

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2025 14:58

She is his muse whilst he is the Svengali here. He is a truly dangerous individual and charming with it no doubt.

waterrat · 17/04/2025 14:58

how awful OP. all you can do is speak up - I look back and I actually really remember the wise words people gave me of advice at this age - even when I didn't listen.

Can you talk to any of her friends? Might they be wary and wondering if they should speak up as well.

EvelynBeatrice · 17/04/2025 15:08

Mum it …. Like this:
“I don’t know if I’ve mentioned Kate from work - well she’s only in her late 20s and has broken up with her longterm boyfriend - yes, she said it was time but well, she was saying it’s a jungle out there dating now - so many men are controlling or corrupted by that creepy rapist Tate - she always makes a point of saying no to a new guy - you know if he wants to hang out or come over and she’s got other friend plans or even if she doesn’t - just to check he isn’t an asshole about it and is cool with it. She says men come and go but a girl needs her pals. She doesn’t like the clingy ones - says they just want to own you like an ornament. Makes sense to me etc etc ….”

Aitchemarsey · 17/04/2025 15:13

Is your partner her step dad? Or is her dad in the picture?

I wonder whether (in addition to what others have suggested above) an older male relative being there and just dispensing a quick "you alright there, buddy?" when he's lingering outside of the loo etc might be helpful...blokes like this tend not to be exactly respectful or intimidated by women but a man making subtly clear he's seeing what's happening might be helpful potentially?

Original poster

SpecialPerson · 17/04/2025 15:19

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2025 14:55

Alarm bells re him are ringing loudly. What you do not want to do here is to further drive her into his arms. He saw some qualities in her that he has gone onto exploit and use against her; he singled her out to abuse.

Does she have siblings and or trusted friends/relatives like an aunt who can talk to her too?.

What you wrote is very similar to how a thread started many years ago with the poster going on to become estranged from her daughter due primarily to his malign influence over her, his now wife. You are dealing with a master manipulator here so be very careful in your dealings with him directly. He is and remains volatile. Try and keep her on side and to get her thinking about what her life is like with him in it.

Alarm bells are definitely ringing. It is scary. A couple of her Uni friends have mentioned there concerns to me. I will speak with them and ask for them to have a word as a supportive friend.

She has a younger sister, who has autism so just comes out with stuff. My youngest was so upset as couldn't play and have a girly night because of the bf and she said to her, she hates her bf as he took her sister away from her. :(

OP posts:

Original poster

SpecialPerson · 17/04/2025 15:23

Aitchemarsey · 17/04/2025 15:13

Is your partner her step dad? Or is her dad in the picture?

I wonder whether (in addition to what others have suggested above) an older male relative being there and just dispensing a quick "you alright there, buddy?" when he's lingering outside of the loo etc might be helpful...blokes like this tend not to be exactly respectful or intimidated by women but a man making subtly clear he's seeing what's happening might be helpful potentially?

My husband is her Dad, we are a close family. My daughters boyfriend doesn't have a dad and just lives with his mum. I have noticed he is wary and avoids my husband although I think he knows he doesn't like him. It's very awkward.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 17/04/2025 15:35

Has anyone ever called him out on his behaviour? Like not her, him.

If some dude got up from lunch to follow my dd to the toilet, I’d be like, oi, Patrick, sit ya self right back down, she’s been capable of taking herself to the loo since she was 7!

It sounds like his behaviour has been normalised because no one is calling him out on it. It doesn’t necessarily need to be you and her dad, draft in a friend or co-worker. “Patrick, how come the poor girl can’t even work a shift without you turning up and hanging about?!”

I think she needs to see how this looks to other people and not just in a one off let’s sit down and talk about this sort of way.

I had a controlling boyfriend as a teenager. I definitely knew it wasn’t right, but it would have really jarred me awake if someone has said “Dave, why do you always speak to her like shit?!” because I kinda felt like it all looked fine to everyone else.

Original poster

SpecialPerson · 17/04/2025 15:45

mindutopia · 17/04/2025 15:35

Has anyone ever called him out on his behaviour? Like not her, him.

If some dude got up from lunch to follow my dd to the toilet, I’d be like, oi, Patrick, sit ya self right back down, she’s been capable of taking herself to the loo since she was 7!

It sounds like his behaviour has been normalised because no one is calling him out on it. It doesn’t necessarily need to be you and her dad, draft in a friend or co-worker. “Patrick, how come the poor girl can’t even work a shift without you turning up and hanging about?!”

I think she needs to see how this looks to other people and not just in a one off let’s sit down and talk about this sort of way.

I had a controlling boyfriend as a teenager. I definitely knew it wasn’t right, but it would have really jarred me awake if someone has said “Dave, why do you always speak to her like shit?!” because I kinda felt like it all looked fine to everyone else.

We was out having dinner at the time so did not actually realise the extent of it. But both daughters went to the toilet and It was only when my youngest said he was hanging out side the loo that we realised and I then went as thought it was odd and to check everything was ok and he was questioning me asking where she was, I said in the loo obviously. He then grumped and proceeded to hang around then walked back with her to the table and continued to sit with us while we were having a family meal. I so wanted to tell him to do one and so did my husband but for the sakes of my daughter and to keep the piece we just carried on.

I am so worried as another poster has mentioned, it will make her run into his arms and this is what he obviously wants so I don't want to cause any upset with my daughter. But yes I absolutely agree something needs to be said and like that would be ideal. I will speak with her friends and maybe even speak with her boss and maybe explain and see if they can do some different shifts if at all possible.

OP posts:

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 17/04/2025 16:34

we've been through something somewhat similar with DS1 - he had a very clingy girlfriend, but rather than the controlling, she constantly used him to manage her emotions and anxieties, so he had to constantly talk her down from whatever panic or dramas she was having. on an almost daily basis, all hours of day or night.

initial attempts to point out that this wasn't necessarily healthy were shrugged off.

so we decided to wait until he started to show some small signs of frustration with the situation. then gently probed about how it made him feel, whether she ever asked him about his worries etc. gradually making him more aware of his own wants and needs, and the imbalance.

his sister was less gentle about it, but still with the object of reminding him that relationships should be positive for both parties, and should never diminish either.

it took about 3 months or so, but he got there, and seeing him now it's like a heavy weight has been lifted off him.

we've made it a point now to talk to all dcs about what healthy relationships look like (as well as what unhealthy ones might look like too).

Edited to say - we also had a similar university dynamic too - he went, she didn't, so when she visited, or he came home, she was extremely demanding of his time and attention - not least because she was sat at home bored all day every day. it's a problematic situation for sure.

Crushed23 · 17/04/2025 18:00

This sounds very similar to the controlling relationship I was in when I was 16/17. OP, I’m sorry, but this could get very, very nasty for your DD after the lovebombing phase. The way he got angry when you hugged her is identical to how my teenage bf used to behave if I chatted to my friends and appeared to be having a nice time with others. You (or your DH, more appropriately) need to pull her out of this, fast. It won’t end well.

Bananalanacake · 17/04/2025 18:23

I said the same thing on a thread yesterday, I hope she's on solid contraception as having a baby with him would ruin her life. Some abusive men want their victims to have babies so they are more vulnerable and it's difficult to leave.

Fiery30 · 17/04/2025 18:32

Of course you should step in and express your concerns. So what if she is an adult, she is only 19. You can't stand on the sidelines and watch her being suffocated like this. Be a parent and speak to her. You should be the person who she can confide in and trust to guide her.

Notsosure1 · 18/04/2025 03:16

SpecialPerson · 17/04/2025 15:23

My husband is her Dad, we are a close family. My daughters boyfriend doesn't have a dad and just lives with his mum. I have noticed he is wary and avoids my husband although I think he knows he doesn't like him. It's very awkward.

Show quote history

Do you think following her and waiting outside rue toilet could be because he feels intimidated/awkward around you or her friends, as well as potentially keeping an eye on her? How does she explain this behaviour - does she not see it as odd?

Has no one ever said she’s more than capable of going and finding her way back from the toilet, X, she doesn’t need a guide or a bodyguard?