Worried about daughters obsessed boyfriend...

[SpecialPerson]

My daughter 19, has been seeing a chap 23. We thought it would fizzle out when she went to university but it hasn't and she seems very loved up with her as he does with her but he is like obsessed with her and won't let her go any where or do anything he always goes to her university and when she is back for any breaks/holidays he is there and she doesn't even spend time with her family anymore as he is always there and asking her around his (he lives with his mum). She got him a job working at a pub where she worked to earn some money for university and he left when she left and said he did not like it. She gets shifts there when she is back as we know the owner and as soon as she is back he is back working there too, which he was offered several times to go back and work there but he refused and then as soon as my daughter is back he is back working there too and telling her they finish late so he should go back to hers all the time rather than going back home.

We are worried sick, even her friends have commented that they don't have time with my daughter any more as he is always there. Her younger sister was so upset as she come back from uni for the easter holidays and she was promised to have girly nights and play together etc. But no she has not managed any thing, he also expects her to jump or go and speak with him every time he turns up or messages etc.

Trouble is this is my daughters first relationship so she doesn't know what is good and what is bad. But from us as a family and others looking in can all see he is worryingly obsessed and controlling but she is loved up and can't see it.

What are we supposed to do ? My husband keeps saying we should say something to her but I am worried it will cause upset in the family.

Any ideas, anyone experienced anything like this....

Ps, I think I have said most things but ask away if not or if something is not clear and also excuse spellings, grammar etc I am dyslexic. Any help, thoughts, idea much appreciated. Thank you.

I had a bf do that, luckily I was much older and finished with him quickly. And even that was difficult, getting rid of him.

Does she live in halls or a house share?

Use this! Your husband can separate him away from your daughter at every turn asking if he's alright and saying 'oh, we didn't expect you Brian, it's just family at this meal, can't afford to pay for clingons haha'

He sounds like a complete loser. Living at home with mummy at 23, no university and no job. Even if he wasn’t a controlling creep, what sort of life could he offer your daughter?

I would be very worried for your daughter, he sounds like someone that could kill her if she dumps him, etc.

If I was in your situation I’d be getting a few male family members to go around to his and threaten/rough him up and tell him to stay away from your daughter.

I would be very worried for your daughter, he sounds like someone that could kill her if she dumps him, etc.
Ffs, why would you say something like that?! It’s already clear this poor mum is worried about her daughter, she doesn’t need tactless remarks like that to frighten even more.

I’d be getting a few male family members to go around to his and threaten/rough him up and tell him to stay away from your daughter
Apart from the fact that ‘roughing him up’ is illegal and they could end up on charges of GBH/ABH or worse, if the daughter found out she’s absolutely going to turn against her family and turn even more to him!

Living with mum at 23 isn’t a complete loser @FearistheMindKillerr and I don’t think your suggestion of getting people to rough him up is a sensible idea.

I would sit down with her and tell her openly you’re concerned she’s in a controlling relationship and that her friends are worried too.

I hear you but he sounds like a very dangerous loser and if he loses her daughter he may have nothing to lose, IYSYIM. Men do this every day around the world so this woman needs to be very wary.

I think this family needs to do what they can to get him away from their daughter. It’s very serious.

It is if he’s jobless and hasn’t been to university. If his circs don’t change he will still be living off mummy at 33, or more likely, the OPs daughter.

Being at university is a great opportunity to meet an educated man with career prospects and it’s such a shame the OPs daughter is wasting this time joined at the him to a pathetic wasteman from her hometown.

I wish my mum had counselled me about one or two of the losers I squandered my 20s on. I also have daughters so this hits hard and I will be doing everything in my power to keep them away from weirdos like the OP has outlined. I will be having very frank and open discussions with them about these sorts of men in their teens.

Whilst it would make sense to sit down and discuss this with her.l directly l. There is a risk she will take it back to him and he will use it to cause further divide. What about some conversations generally about controlling relationships- you could mention a colleague you are concerned about and ask your dd what she thinks about that type of relationship and what would she do. Then maybe send her some articles on coercive behaviour and again link it to colleague and ask her to read them see if they are any good. Tell her it’s a worry for parents that their child will end up in this situation and if she ever felt this way you hope she knows you would do everything you can to support her.

I was in a controlling/emotionally abusive relationship at 18 and wish people around me had said something.

TW: violence against women and girls/ femicide

I think the difficulty is that some of the behaviours can start off as fairly innocuous or disguised as concern/ love. These kinds of relationships have some cult like elements in that it becomes very normalised to follow
certain ‘rules’ and it has all been justified and because people go along with the rules to placate their partner they don’t see it as a deliberate way to try and control them.

There are a lot of resources on the internet from women’s groups, podcasts and websites. Some key names are Laura Richards and Prof Jane Monkton-Smith for really valuable insights into how people find themselves in these situations and links to other resources. There’s a really insightful episode from file on 4 (link below) which gets very scary towards the latter stages about femicide but it shows how a situation can devolve so easily:

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/file-on-4-investigates/id76934515?i=1000698787358

Tempting though it is to try and tell someone how to handle the situation, eg just leave, report him etc it really has to come from your daughter with you there for support.

i think in your situation I would talk to her about changes in her behaviour that you have witnessed, ‘I noticed you seemed a bit reluctant to hug me when we said goodbye, that’s not like you’ or ‘Your sister would love to spend some time with you, you haven’t been around as much as normal’ hopefully it will show her in a subtle way that it is being seen and you can then reassure her how much she is loved and that she will always have a home with you.

Lines of communication need to be kept open at all costs. He cannot be allowed to isolate her. Hard as it is you must do everything you can to not let her know how much you dislike him as he will use it to separate you from each other.

Honestly, too much time has already been wasted worrying. You and her father should have said things sooner eg. Dad say thanks for popping by but let's leave the girls for some time alone let's pop out to the pub. One drink dad comes home alone, he pisses off. Or when he's there tell your daughter a family meal out and u or dad say you don't mind do you, you could have a meal and spend time with your mum. Tell the pub owner your concerns and not to give shifts together and make it clear he needs to allow her to work if he pesters her when she's working. Say stuff now and have a chat with her. It will only get worse if you continue to be too worried.

Have you done a Clare's Law application? At 23, I'd be wondering if he'd had issues in relationships before.

Could you travel up to the uni and see her alone?

“ThisChirpyFox · Today 11:11

Honestly, too much time has already been wasted worrying. You and her father should have said things sooner eg. Dad say thanks for popping by but let's leave the girls for some time alone let's pop out to the pub. One drink dad comes home alone, he pisses off. Or when he's there tell your daughter a family meal out and u or dad say you don't mind do you, you could have a meal and spend time with your mum. Tell the pub owner your concerns and not to give shifts together and make it clear he needs to allow her to work if he pesters her when she's working. Say stuff now and have a chat with her. It will only get worse if you continue to be too worried.”

This. Honestly, he sounds awful. He is abusing her and I wonder how loved up your DD is really feeling. She must be feeling utterly stifled. She may feel she is responsible for his continued wellbeing. It’s very unlikely she knows how to handle him. This guy is very bad news. He will drain the life out of her. Please find a way to speak to her about him.

I would totally agree with this approach as well as more formal intervention if she had started to see the behaviour for what it is but if she is still trying to balance things to make everyone happy and just thinks he is misunderstood by her family he can spin this to his advantage. If she still believes he is a ‘good guy’ and that he just really cares about her this kind of thing will make you look unreasonable.

Once he has caused a rift between you and her he can convince her he is the victim and guilt her into staying away from you under the guise of supporting him against your unreasonable animosity towards him. By the time she realises she will be in deeper. As I said it’s like a cult, you can’t just tell someone they’re in a cult and ask them to leave you have to plant the seeds and be there for them no matter what he tries.

Clare’s Law is a good shout or reaching out to organisation s such as Women’s Aid.

There are sadly countless documentaries of women whose relationships began like this with love bombing etc and ended badly. Hopefully with the right words in her ear from people she trusts she will come to her own conclusions.

Agree with everyone. It’s a dangerous situation and needs action, from different people I think, so that she can see that everyone thinks his behaviour is not normal or loving.
Once you alter your behaviour or activities, your time with friends or family etc, to appease someone who gets angry or “upset” when you do these things, your life gets smaller and smaller. This kind of control happens in increments and so it can be hard to see how bad it is until you are totally trapped. It happened to me with my first boyfriend and ruined my twenties, it totally derailed my life. I was extremely careful about dating anyone after that and chose my DH as he is very kind, and not remotely controlling.
There are checklists on websites about coercive control I think . Perhaps seeing that and ticking boxes might jolt her into seeing how very far away from love this is.

It’s difficult, my parents hated my boyfriend when I was 19. My dad was a policeman and had seen many girls run off and move in with their boyfriend when their parents gave them an ultimatum, the sort of he’s not welcome in our house type thing. So they were formally polite to him ( never a good sign) and he was accepted at family meals (probably grudgingly) and I’m sure they bitched to each other all the time but never did it to me. A year in I saw the light and dumped him. They told me later how delighted they were but didn’t say it at the time.

Friends daughter met someone when at school. He followed her to university. Three years when she should have been having fun she was cooking, cleaning, studying. When she got her first job he couldn't follow her there so lost control. He then cheated on her with a younger malleable girl.

He's a loser, she will eclipse him.

Definitely tread carefully. Definitely agree about looking into a Clare's Law application. You can do this as a concerned relative without anyone needing to know. If anything is disclosed you can then decide how/when to share: https://www.sarsas.org.uk/resources/clares-law/

The problem is that sometimes these people are so manipulative and controlling that the girl in the situation won’t take that job if it means being apart from them. They can often be emotionally guilt tripped into not taking it, to stay under his control. It’s not always the case that a clever girl with a nice family will outgrow someone like this unfortunately.

I work in a university and yes there will be.

Thank you everyone. Sorry for the delay, I was unable to get on here and read through all the messages over the easter weekend. Just to answer a couple of questions....

Yes she is in halls at Uni (which is good as he is only allowed to actually stay 1 - 2 nights) but in September she goes into private rental with her present flat mates and couple of friends from her course. This is a worry as I can see him then being there all the time and probably annoying her flat mates.

The reason, I was worried what to say and how to say it, is because I did not want to push her away and run into his arms.

I have previously carefully mentioned a couple of things and she knows we know she can do better. But with this, she stopped talking to me about him and opening up like she used too.

We finally managed to have a family dinner without him, as it was at her grandparents house and he was not invited and it was made clear as there was no room as it was for close family. Although she spent the night at his previously and came back with a big love bite on her neck - we were all horrified and disgusted. Going to grandparents house with family I am dam right sure he did it on purpose almost trying to claim she is his!

Also, we went to a gig to watch my daughter and he was of course there as he is a cling-on. And we moved up to the stage to watch her and the last we saw he was at the bar drinking and on his phone. My daughter said the day after that he had said, I don't think your parents like me as they moved away from me when I tried standing with them. This was not the case at all he was by the bar and we was no where near him and moved to get a better view anyway being supportive parents to cheer on our daughter, He was just playing the victim and it worked as my daughter is so loved up and feels there is nothing wrong and this is normal.

It's certainly a difficult one!

Time for more regular family meals at the grandparents!

The love bite (are they still a thing?!) was absolutely on purpose. Vile behaviour.

He is absolutely jealous of your family and your relationship with your daughter. She’s his not yours. The look he gave you when you hugged her goodbye and the fact she was awkward as she knew it would upset him (wtf?!) says it all. She’s changed her behaviour already which proves she’s in a coercive relationship. The love bite was marking his territory and also a fuck you to you and the grandparents as he knew you’d be disgusted, but also a punishment to your daughter for agreeing to go without him. He deliberately put her in an embarrassing and awkward position to humiliate her. How did she act tho? Was she embarassed or proud of it bc she’s on his team now and felt just as bad he wasn’t invited?

I think you are right to be concerned. I would echo a look at women's aid website (look at coercive control) and also this resource https://alicerugglestrust.org/advice/. (I feel there are signs of stalking here/obsession). I would call one of the helplines for advice. There are some very concerning red flags here in terms of his behaviour and you are right to be worried. It's a horrible pattern but family and friends can help if the person is ready to see the behaviour for what it is.