Worried about daughters obsessed boyfriend...

[SpecialPerson]

My daughter 19, has been seeing a chap 23. We thought it would fizzle out when she went to university but it hasn't and she seems very loved up with her as he does with her but he is like obsessed with her and won't let her go any where or do anything he always goes to her university and when she is back for any breaks/holidays he is there and she doesn't even spend time with her family anymore as he is always there and asking her around his (he lives with his mum). She got him a job working at a pub where she worked to earn some money for university and he left when she left and said he did not like it. She gets shifts there when she is back as we know the owner and as soon as she is back he is back working there too, which he was offered several times to go back and work there but he refused and then as soon as my daughter is back he is back working there too and telling her they finish late so he should go back to hers all the time rather than going back home.

We are worried sick, even her friends have commented that they don't have time with my daughter any more as he is always there. Her younger sister was so upset as she come back from uni for the easter holidays and she was promised to have girly nights and play together etc. But no she has not managed any thing, he also expects her to jump or go and speak with him every time he turns up or messages etc.

Trouble is this is my daughters first relationship so she doesn't know what is good and what is bad. But from us as a family and others looking in can all see he is worryingly obsessed and controlling but she is loved up and can't see it.

What are we supposed to do ? My husband keeps saying we should say something to her but I am worried it will cause upset in the family.

Any ideas, anyone experienced anything like this....

Ps, I think I have said most things but ask away if not or if something is not clear and also excuse spellings, grammar etc I am dyslexic. Any help, thoughts, idea much appreciated. Thank you.

Yes she is in halls at Uni (which is good as he is only allowed to actually stay 1 - 2 nights) but in September she goes into private rental with her present flat mates and couple of friends from her course. This is a worry as I can see him then being there all the time and probably annoying her flat mates

If they’re all students and he’s not, he can’t be there all the time as they’ll be liable for council tax. Drop that into conversation with her or maybe her future flatmates.

The love bite thing is horrid, following her to the toilet because “where is she?” is deranged. Given what you say about him turning up all the time, I’d be concerned he’s tracking her location and potentially pretty poisonous behind closed doors “you were talking to/why didn’t you answer me/who were you with”.

Hard agree on the Clare’s Law application.

Completely agree. I think she was embarrassed, she tried wearing a necklace chocker type thing to try and cover it or the best she could. But at the same time I don't think she thinks anything of it, or maybe even a little proud.

I think he has drummed into her that he is the good guy that she can't see any wrong. Which makes things so much worse, with us saying or doing anything.

Ah yes, this is a very good point - Thank you. I will defiantly mention about the council tax etc.

Actually, I think they got a deal where they paid extra each month and it was for all bills and the rent. But surely this would still be a problem for the landlord if the boyfriend who is not a student was there all the time.

She keeps saying her friends like him and he gets on with them! She doesn't know the half of it. Apparently one of her mates did mention to her about him being there all the time this is one that is in the halls with her now and not moving into a house share with her in September as apparently they don't get on like they used too! so that's his doing again and causing problems and I think this is why her friends come to me with their concerns instead of saying to her because they know what happened with her other friend.

I looking to file a claires law application, so hoping this is allowed and we get somewhere with that.

Yikes, this is reminding me of that poor young woman who was thrown out of a van. Not saying that he would do anything like that but try to encourage her to gently detach more.

This whole situation really reminds me of one of my friends who had a very obsessive boyfriend, right down to the love biting (which he would purposely do when she was going back to uni for a few days on her own). He didn't really have anything going on for himself, no friends etc, just "working" for his parents business.

When my friend was in her first year I visited her a few times but eventually her boyfriend started insisting she get the train home (3 hour journey each way) each weekend, which he paid for.

I tried really hard to maintain a friendship but she would constantly cancel on me last minute and eventually stopped seeing me altogether. She then sent me a text saying her boyfriend thought I was a "bad influence", even though I'd never met him.

The year she moved into rented accommodation he basically moved himself in with her - it caused a lot of problems with her two housemates and eventually my friend and her housemates stopped speaking to each other altogether which made for a very awkward living situation and only pushed my friend and her boyfriend closer together.

Unfortunately my friend didn't have any parents to support her, in fact her mum encouraged it and thought she needed to settle down (she was only 18/19!). The last I heard, she's still with the guy living in his parents outhouse/annex and "working" for the family business. Neither of them have any friends or even work colleagues, as its just his mum, dad and brother around.

This isn't meant to scare you or anything, but I really think the second year of uni especially could be a defining moment in where this goes. Your daughter has a great family unit so I really hope you're able to reach her! The fact her friends are concerned enough to have reached out, shows how serious it is.

Sorry to hear the situation is worsening OP with him isolating her from one of her friends.

I’m only half joking when I say I think I’ll be taking to the dark web to “take care of” any predators like this who go after either of my daughters (who are still tiny, for now!)

You need to do Clare’s law for this chap. I suspect he has form.

He sounds awful but if you tread anything other than very very gently then it will probably have the effect of drawing them both closer. You have my sympathy OP he sound scary

Could you book a nice day out with both girls? Something that has to be booked per person in advance. Afternoon tea, Spa day? Or if affordable, make it a weekend away for the 3 of you, including an evening of PJs, films, popcorn & wine.
Don't even mention him whilst you are out. Keep it relaxed & fun. Hopefully she'll be reminded how nice it is to just spend time with you & want to do more (& ignore any objections from him because she was simply having a nice time with her family).

Thank you everyone for your replies and sorry to those who have had similar situations and friends in these situations. I am going out of my mind with worry and just don't want to push them together and I know this will happen hence why we are being very careful.

She is genuinely loved up and just thinks this is normal and he is loved up with her and wants to spend time with her - no matter how it is phrased that this is not normal and how a relationship should be etc. She is very defensive of him and can't see any harm, he truly has her wrapped around his finger.

I am looking into the Claire's Law as we speak, and will defiantly be doing this as if I can get something on him then this will hopefully help her see him for who he truly is.

We tried to have girly nights when she was back for Easter but something always came up, she had to work, she had to see him or go somewhere.
A couple of occasions she went to meet friends and ended up being with him as he happened to also be in the same place or near by! And then another time she had to cover his shift at work and guess what it was a lie to get her to work the same shift as him. This happens all the time!

While he was working she did come out for a hours with me and her little sister which was lovely spending time with her, but she was on her phone and then said 'oops he knows I am out with you' he must have passed us or something!!!! I said and ? are you not aloud out without him. Can't you spend time and wouldn't you rather be with your family. She said yes of course, but after that she was on edge and then said she had to get back as she had work, she did not have work until later that afternoon so we knew that was him!

oops he knows I am out with you' he must have passed us or something!!!!

This is really worrying - she’s confessed he has a problem with her being out with you and not only that she’s fearful of the consequences! How can she explain this? Why would he not wanting her to spend time with her own family? Tell her if he loves her he’d want her to be happy. He doesn’t love her, he wants to posess her. So sad x

While he was working she did come out for a hours with me and her little sister which was lovely spending time with her, but she was on her phone and then said 'oops he knows I am out with you' he must have passed us or something!!!! I said and ? are you not aloud out without him. Can't you spend time and wouldn't you rather be with your family. She said yes of course, but after that she was on edge and then said she had to get back as she had work, she did not have work until later that afternoon so we knew that was him!

OP - this definitely sounds like he has either live location or a tracker on her phone. That she was then on edge tells me she’s worried or frightened about his reaction. Masses of red flags.