How/ why do women get into relationships?

[ElleintheWoods]

Hear me out. I absolutely love men, they’re awesome and I’d love to have a boyfriend again, but…

If you’re single in your 30s/ 40s and live a very full life with no plans for (more) kids, do you find the idea of a full-on relationship a little suffocating? I’ve been doing a bit of dating and the next step seems so full-on, it actually scares me off.

I remember living with my ex and getting the feeling that every day after work was like coming into a 2nd full-time job. Whatever crisis or work drama he was going to be going through, how he’d want to talk about our relationship, if he needed any advice on a work presentation or his investments or whatnot. It’s of course lovely for the other person to want to interact with you but I started treading coming home and just wanted peace. It was so full-on, like having a pre-teen. Primarily a lot of emotional labour.

My life now, I leave work and can pursue a ton of exciting things. I do it all. Day trips, theatre, spa days, exciting meals, friends, workouts, beautiful hair and clothes, the lot. I’m really happy and my best self.

The men just seem… A bit lonely and not living a very full life, not having good close friends. So right from the start they’re wanting to join in my activities, making plans for the 2 of us, asking for opinions about clothes and hair, jobs they’re applying for… It’s like they need a woman to be complete. Some actually say so, that they’re waiting to meet a woman for their life to really start.

Mostly what I’m looking for from a relationship is the physical side, and yes, I’d be very happy for the right guy to join me in the things I do and be the occasional shoulder to cry on and vice versa, but I don’t want them to anchor their whole life to me from week one and have nothing/ nobody else. It’s happened a few times now where their whole life just becomes talking to me or doing this with me quite quickly, and it’s too much.

It seems to me that anyone that’s really into me becomes quite clingy sooner or later, and the ones who are a bit more independent don’t actually care for me that much.

I’d love to be with someone again, but as a woman who’s really happy, aren’t you a little afraid of losing your identity, personal space and happiness when entering a relationship?

I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying.

I’m single after a long marriage, in my late 30s and also been burnt in a relationship since my marriage.

I miss aspects of a relationship (physical too mainly), but sometimes I wonder whether I even have the space for another person in my life… and it would have to be someone really special for me to create that space for.

What my marriage, the relationship after and dipping my toe into online dating has taught me… is that if you’re a woman with her own independence (ie you don’t need a man to have your own home/social life etc) then generally speaking it’s the men that stand to gain more from being in a relationship. We are pretty good at nurturing ourselves, as well as fostering a good support network to meet our emotional needs… whereas men, even if they have a large circle of friends, tend to lack in these areas and need that from a partner. Then what happens in a relationship is we pour it into them… and if it’s with the wrong person- we end up feeling drained ourselves and losing our identity.

Of course… that’s not the case in all relationships, but certainly has been my experience! So I totally resonate with your post.

Although I don’t disagree with this, you could argue, and I would to a degree that exactly the same could be said of it was flipped the other way around.

My ex for example, apart from the physical side of things, I definitely added more to her life than she did mine, in theory sense of my friends, my house and my independence.

I absolutely love being in a relationship. Yes we argue or annoy each other sometimes but I love having someone always there for me, dividing tasks, helping me (and me him), being able to discuss a problem with, or just sit in peaceful silence.

Not saying that being single isn’t preferable for many though (and definitely if the relationship is bad)

I thought the same as you and never intended to get into another relationship after my marriage broke down in a ball of flames. I was casually dating FWB only, but accidentally met someone amazing. I was really scared of being in a committed relationship again but it’s just so easy when it’s the right person for you.

Yes, i get the feeling. It is possible to pace though, im really busy but seeing a man who is chilled and goes with my flow. I didn’t want to partner for exactly the reasons you mentioned, just exhausting and in my history has always ended up draining, but the person I’m currently seeing isn’t doing that, yet, very caring and great company and so it’s enjoyable. However, we don’t live together, et cetera et cetera so there’s that.

I'm not in your stated age range, but yeah, men take up a lot of space physically and mentally. I like having a man in my life but have no plans of living with him.

Also, my independence is hard-won and important to me, and I wouldn't like to be in a position where a partner's money or work problems could affect my financial stability. Of course that also means I don't have the benefit of a couples buying power, but I feel like it's a choice that works for me.

It sounds like your only experience of a serious relationship has been with a loser.

I have never dreaded coming home to Dh. We’ve been together 17 years. Sometimes I’ve dreaded coming home because there was a screaming 2 year old who also happened to live with us too. 😂 But it takes two to tango and we are both to blame for the children.

But he never emotionally dumps on me or doesn’t give me space if I want it. He’s always had lots of friends and is very well liked. Actually, a big sign he was a decent guy was that he had lots of close female friends (and their partners, now husbands) when we met. None of whom were hookups or anything like that. They were just genuinely good friends - he was that friend who always made sure everyone got safely home at the end of the night - and we still keep in touch with them and their husbands and now dc.

He has interests and hobbies, but none of it ever comes before family life. He always checks if a day and time works for me before he arranges to do any of it. But I also have lots of time for myself. I go on spa days and I go do hobbies and I travel solo regularly. Usually take at least one holiday abroad every year on my own, it’s lovely.

I think it’s totally fine to be happy on your own to, but there are definitely men out there who are confident and independent and not a lot of work. The reality is though that I think there aren’t a lot of single ones in their 30s/40s because they’re the ones still in happy long term relationships.

If you have your shit together you're going to be attractive to people who don't. Filter them out, I suppose. But what I don't understand is you don't want the needy ones but are miffed if the others don't need you enough. Give the not needy 'don't actually care' ones a chance, they've probably been burnt and are cagey to start.

I was widowed a few years ago in my late 30s so quite a different perspective but I miss having someone to share the mundane day-to-day with, to crash on the sofa with after a long day's work, and just to have around for company and intimacy.

I see lots of respondents on the relationship board aghast when an op has or wants to move in with a new partner in their 40s, so you're far from alone, but personally I'd like to live with a partner again in the future (who knows if it will happen), it brought me happiness.

I’m 48, been living alone with DC for 15yrs. Youngest 17 now. I don’t think i’d want to live with a man. I have had one or two casual relationships but i’ve kept any relationships well away from my DC and focussed on raising them. Only one DC living at home permanently now and she is self sufficient. I have a busy social life, do I want to come home and cook dinner for a man. No, and same for the other stuff you mention. The only guy i’ve been interested in for years has young kids, and I definitely do not want to go there. Maybe some casual dating would suit me once DD gone to uni, if I can be bothered!

I've tried to date again but you are completely right; it is a lot of effort for not much return. I can get similar or better companionship from my friends - who also tend to remember things like birthdays and favourite foods etc unlike seemingly most men (what is that about?). I don't have to get my friends parents presents or mothers/fathers day gifts. They don't eat the last of things in my house and forget to mention it or put the box back in the place to hide that it is gone. I don't have to do ridiculous amounts of washing because they only ever have 2 sets of clothes. I can read when I like without being told I am boring. Watch all the crime and documentary stuff I enjoy without being told I am boring. Don't have to watch sports, blokes being beaten up or "tough guys and trains" movies with no story line. I can enjoy Christmas and birthdays without a grinch about.
The idea of sharing living space with another one fills me with dread. They all seem to be boring cut out copies of the same thing.

My friend is just splitting with her partner of 8 years and finds exactly like you ( she’s 40) men she has been in relationships with tend to fall into 2 categories- don’t care enough or the needy ones who don’t give you much space - presumably the ones in the middle who give a shit and with friends and hobbies are the ones that are taken !!!

I found someone who was as equally as busy as I am. We do things together but also a lot separately. It wouldn’t work for a lot of people as some weeks we only see each other once. I think if you want to date you need to think about who you want to meet and find someone that fits that. Dating sites with lots of information about the person help with this.

Thank you everyone for the lovely responses and for making me feel a bit more normal! Part of me thinks I’m just avoidant and finding reasons to not allow any relationship to develop, but I’m glad I’m not alone feeling like this dating after a long-term partnership.

@Honon @mindutopia Being in a relationship didn’t always feel like a chore, don’t get me wrong. In my head I would genuinely love to chat with my partner on the sofa at the end of the day and wake up with them for Sunday breakfast, there’s a lot of niceness about it. I’ve not had only one relationship, but in several other relationships I’ve also felt similar, where the other person very quickly builds their entire world around me and it creates pressure to be everything for them. Perhaps I just attract that addictive personality type as I’m quite open-minded and not judgemental, I mostly pick guys based on personality and conversations.

I believe there have been several studies, which at this late hour I’m not going to dig out to cite, showing that men in long-term relationships often have hardly any close friends, while women are a lot better at maintaining a balance.

@Cedrabbage It’s not about the ‘less needy’ ones not needing me enough, I just don’t think they’ve been that into me. While someone more independent probably suits me better, if the guy hasn’t planned/ initiated any of your dates and their attitude is ‘I don’t know, whatever you want to do’ or ‘sorry I’ve not been in touch, I’ve been busy’, it’s safe to assume they don’t actually want to date you.

Because some women are terrified of being alone and would rather be in a unhappy unhealthy even abusive relationships and sometimes want replacement fathers for their children then not have anyone, makes no sense to me but it happens daily

Yes, most can't seem to book anything or organise days out. I would steer clear of internet dating as most seem to be married and or in supposedly "poly" relationships or looking for a free prostitute. I think it has attracted the bottom of the barrel and these days you're better off going into town - very retro!
Honestly most single women I know try dating and give up. Much more fun to spend time with friends doing fun things without the whining and sulking.

It sounds like you’re meeting the wrong kind of men. My single male friends are living their lives every but as busily and fulfillingly as I am - running marathons, seeing friends, travelling, dealing with their children etc.

I’m done with being harnessed to a man-child.
Im over the dark place of my relationship breaking up last year.
I’m coming out the other side and realising I’m better off without a man in my life. It’s emancipating.

I relate also and I’m not even 30 yet. I have a toddler Ds.
i feel so liberated and enjoy being alone I can’t believe how lucky I am.

im still torn if I want to get married and have more children.
but oh my gosh, I don’t have to ‘look after’ a man , please him, meet expectations , deal with moods.

I can pour my soul into my business which is about to take off and possibly change my life.

i don’t think I would enter a relationship unles the man was very laid back and chilled out.

Us as women have so many choices and freedom and I don’t think we actually need men, especially if we are financially sufficient.

I’ve lost interest in sex. Maybe as my body has changed and I am not 100% in my body, but again, I don’t have to dress up or ‘perform’

Ugh.
my bed is my own!

Oh yes definitely, I did wonder if in my OP I might sound like a 1950s husband, along the lines of ‘I get home from my oh-so-important day and shock horror, my wife wants to talk about her feelings and spend time with me’.

I feel like some people/ men that actually have a lot going on for themselves in terms of a range of interest and a career they love maybe don’t make enough effort to be happy in their own life and rely on that hypothetical relationship to fulfil their emotional needs. And perhaps some women also expect a partner to bring that fulfilment alongside anything else they may be missing.

I recently met someone lovely I really connected with but also right from the off it was apparent that they expected a girlfriend (so not specifically me but the existence of a partner, anyone suited) to make their life complete. The fact that they didn’t do much outside of their career or look after their well-being was one of the things that put me off.

Perhaps my point is that I don’t want to be needed, I would prefer to be wanted.

Does that make sense?

And of course somebody that wants me will have certain needs in a relationship, emotional, physical, social, like all of us. But it shouldn’t start from a place of need.

You didn’t sound like a 1950s man at all- just someone who hasn’t met the right fit man for you.

I get you, OP, wholeheartedly!

I think at the moment, I just don't have the capacity. Life is busy with work and DC and what little time and resources I have left over (mostly energy), I wan to spend on myself. I don't want to compromise over what to have for dinner, what to watch on TV, whose friends or family to visit at the weekend. I'm enjoying the simplicity of autonomy.

At some point, the balance may shift, but for the moment, that's how it is fo me.

When I was online dating I found there were two types of men. One that just wanted sex, the other that wanted an instant full on relationship. Nobody who just wanted fun, to see how it went and to take it from there.

Eventually I found one, happy in his own skin, lots of fun but also reliable and steady.

Now I know lots of women like that. Fabulous, interesting, independent, solid, funny, kind women. Not many men like that though. And they are all in relationships.