How/ why do women get into relationships?

[ElleintheWoods]

Hear me out. I absolutely love men, they’re awesome and I’d love to have a boyfriend again, but…

If you’re single in your 30s/ 40s and live a very full life with no plans for (more) kids, do you find the idea of a full-on relationship a little suffocating? I’ve been doing a bit of dating and the next step seems so full-on, it actually scares me off.

I remember living with my ex and getting the feeling that every day after work was like coming into a 2nd full-time job. Whatever crisis or work drama he was going to be going through, how he’d want to talk about our relationship, if he needed any advice on a work presentation or his investments or whatnot. It’s of course lovely for the other person to want to interact with you but I started treading coming home and just wanted peace. It was so full-on, like having a pre-teen. Primarily a lot of emotional labour.

My life now, I leave work and can pursue a ton of exciting things. I do it all. Day trips, theatre, spa days, exciting meals, friends, workouts, beautiful hair and clothes, the lot. I’m really happy and my best self.

The men just seem… A bit lonely and not living a very full life, not having good close friends. So right from the start they’re wanting to join in my activities, making plans for the 2 of us, asking for opinions about clothes and hair, jobs they’re applying for… It’s like they need a woman to be complete. Some actually say so, that they’re waiting to meet a woman for their life to really start.

Mostly what I’m looking for from a relationship is the physical side, and yes, I’d be very happy for the right guy to join me in the things I do and be the occasional shoulder to cry on and vice versa, but I don’t want them to anchor their whole life to me from week one and have nothing/ nobody else. It’s happened a few times now where their whole life just becomes talking to me or doing this with me quite quickly, and it’s too much.

It seems to me that anyone that’s really into me becomes quite clingy sooner or later, and the ones who are a bit more independent don’t actually care for me that much.

I’d love to be with someone again, but as a woman who’s really happy, aren’t you a little afraid of losing your identity, personal space and happiness when entering a relationship?

Yes I did. I was about to give up - as was he. Together 13 years now

Great post, I agree with most of your points.

Yes, especially the men at work are funny! They go 'but you are so gorgeous and a lovely person and fun, howcome YOU are single!'

Actaully thinking about it, I am probably 'gorgeous, lovely and fun' because I'm single. When I was in a relationship, I was often frazzled, rushed off my feet, badly dressed, carrying stress weight, and sometimes tearful. I do actually find relationships and even deep feelings quite stressful, whereas more casual attachments, like friendship/ work colleagues don't cause me any stress at all.

The single men at work have actually offered themselves up one by one 😅In a nice way, and have taken being turned down well, but they also take a big interest in my love life and dish out advice. And also criticise the men I am considering dating to death! "Elle, he has messed you about, lose his number!" It's all good fun.

Have you found every relationship draining, or have there been exceptions?

As I've said before on the thread, I'd love to find a life partner, somene who is on the same wavelength. I wouldn't even mind texting with this person all day long, I actually find frequent communication desirable, I just don't want to feel pressured and like I'm all they have going on outside work.

What about dating someone late 20s/ early 30s, technically 'first marriage' kind of age for a man? (Using marriage as a loose umbrella term for a serious LTR)

Do we think these guys might be any different?

They’d be looking for marriage though? In most cases. Which it sounds like you’re not?

you say you’ve had some wonderful relationships with exes. But also that when you’re in a relationship you looked frazzled and stressed and gained stress weight.

have you ever had therapy to unpick your past experiences with relationships (of all kinds)?

Thank you! I read your first sentence and went 'but I don't want any of those things!!' Ok, perhaps the first 2, I'd love someone who shares an interest in similar events and activities.

I do genuinely really want to be in a relationship, of some description. Just perhaps not a 'let's buy a house together really soon' type, which was one of the reasons why I wrote off one potential bf.

Probably the only thing that (mildly) 'upsets' me some days is that I don't enjoy waking up alone, I'd love to wake up with someone who then makes me a cup of coffee and gives me a cuddle, that's what I imagine often. And I don't seem to connect with anybody sufficiently, mostly on a physical level, where I'd be comfortable with waking up next to them.

I'm a pro at building a mutual emotional connection with a man, but even sleeping with someone feels like too much commitment, I'll have found something that turns me off about them before that happens.

I haven't met anyone awful while trying to date but usually that turn-off point has been being too full-on/ not having much of their own life and hobbies or friends.

Do you feel like that's your old scars and trauma on your mind, and it might change over the years? 11 months is not a long time, althiugh sounds like you checked out well before.

I'm sorry, it sounds really draining.

Have you felt attracted to someone since being single, or are you completely "turned off"?

I'm glad it resonated with you! When writing this I was afraid I may be the only one feeling like this.

What kind of ways would you want them to add, and what are some of the characteristics you don't find essential? It sounds a bit like you'd want to be a really solid team with somebody?

I fell hard for someone quite 'left-of-field' for me recently. He was younger, very easy on the eye, and not as intellectual/high-earning as me. (Sorry, I know it sounds snobbish, but he left school at 16 and enjoyed sports and a night out, while I present complex topics to senior audiences)

I loved that he listened to me, remembered things and asked questions, considered the emotional needs of his friends and family, was fun, funny and direct/ honest, and most of all had his own interests and life outside work. He'd open up to me about his life easily, but not expect me to fix it all. The feeling I had around him was one of being 'at peace'.

Made me realise that perhaps it's about how someone makes you feel and behaves, not the characteristics and facts on paper.

@QueefQueen80s @GetMeOutOfMeta Some discussion you've got going there!

Would you say that men don't mind doing things, as long as they do them with their partner? (I do know some that want to do nothing though)

I have some male friends that do a fair bit, surprisingly my ex is one now! But they seem to have decided that they'll be single, won't put any effort into dating/ trying to find a woman, and instead focus on their hobbies/ home/ travel/ friends... It's almost like they are single women with full lives! I feel like for some men, when they give up looking, a whole new world opens up to them in terms of who they could be.

I'd say some of these types are far too independent to date someone who isn't a mirror image of themselves though, e.g. a runner must date another runner or else.

@Gymbunny2025 keen on me as in, seemingly thinking about me all the time, stopping their normal routine on the off-chance that I might want to do things with them, spending most of the day texting me, cancelling things and driving miles/ spending money to be with me, telling people about me. For some men that happens after a few weeks, for some it's after a few months but then becomes their permanent MO, everything is dropped to be with me.

There's an element of love bombing there but I'm quite aware of players/ love bombers and filter them out without effort. It's more that I go for 'normal' guys whose personality I like, and I get the feedback that they don't usually get interest from 'women like me'. I'm quite glam but lean towards guys who are a bit geeky/nerdy.

I've had some therapy and don't want to dwell on it for too long but basically due to childhood I'm prone to thinking of family/relationships as hard work rather than joy.

You can have an enjoyable, positive relationship with someone, but they can also be source of stress for you with the ebbs and flows of an LTR. They can be a nice person, but also have a difficult personality, e.g. very prone to mental health issues, workaholic, etc... It can't always be rainbows and unicorns, unless neither party has any difficult life events or it's very surface level. For many people, staying married seems like hard work.

I've heard that it should be easy, but I've never really experienced 'easy and effortless' or seen it. I only know one couple in a LTR that seems blissfully happy. In particular for my parents' friends who are in their 60s and 70s and married, none of them seem to be getting much joy out of their relationships, there's sniping and micro aggressions, living separate lives, husband or wife leaving and coming back, etc. Not what I'd like, particularly in old age. I want something different, better.

I see @ElleintheWoods yeah those examples would put me off too. What I loved about my husband was how laid back he is but I still knew he was into me (and I felt the same). I am lucky that I’m very happy in my relationship and do think it’s because we are just right for each other (he’s still annoying though! But so am I!). I never have stress from being in a relationship- it makes me happy.

I do realise I’m lucky and if I was ever single again I probably won’t find this contentment again (but I’d be open to it iyswim)

I have 3 dcs and my partner and I live apart. We briefly seperated about 3 years ago and the joy and peace I found living with just my kids was amazing.
he would love for us to live together again but no way. I have learnt I am happier living alone with the kids, no one to answer to. Money is saved/spent how I see fit.
we go on family days out and he will stay over occasionally. If he eventually decides that he needs more from a relationship then I would rather end it than live with another partner. I’d be devestated- but not as devestated as living with someone again 🤣

I agree. I'm happily single (after 25 years of mostly happy marriage) and I love coming home to an empty house. I do have a partner but we don't live together - even though he'd like us to. We do things together, visit each other, go on holiday etc, but I often prefer doing things on my own as it's easier and less stressful. I'm careful to guard my independence.

Completely agree.

@ElleintheWoods your question "What kind of ways would you want them to add, and what are some of the characteristics you don't find essential?" really made me think – thanks for asking it!

If I could put in an order with the universe, I'd ask for a kind, positive, and emotionally stable man who's steady, peaceful and playful. Someone who knows himself well and communicates with care and consideration — not to offload, but to connect.

Someone thoughtful and respectful, who takes responsibility for himself and his choices. He doesn't lean on blame, victimhood, or avoidance – he shows up with agency and humour and heart. So when challenges arise, we can really meet them as a team.

Someone capable, who's 'up to something' meaningful, but without being lost in the hustle — he knows how to be present and enjoy the small moments. He's intelligent and positive and interested in the world; curious about people and topics and up for learning new things together and helping each other to grow. I'd love a relationship where other people around us consistently get to feel bigger and more special in our shared presence.

And if I'm really honest, I'd love to find someone who sees me not just as a strong and capable woman, but as a human being worthy of softness and safety and care. I am independent and self-sufficient and capable and all those things, in part because I've always had to be. And I'd love to find someone with whom I don't have to be any of them, because I know he'll pick up anything I need to put down. That would be a huge addition to my life on many, many levels.

Not essential? He doesn't have to be amazing-looking – attractive-to-me is more than enough. I expect baggage, at our age – kids and past partners all fine with me.

Honestly, I’m 51 now , and I was a single parent for 5 years in my 20,s . I genuinely love my partner, and I love having someone to share things with , that I wouldn’t with a friend .

I'd love one, too. Thinking back of when you were no longer with the parent of your kids for a period, and then met your partner, did you have any hesitations or was it easy and effortless to commit to someone again, after (presumably) thriving by yourself?

@Squigglesandgiggles Interesting point that you make about money. My ex was a decent earner so I was a bit worried about single person premiums as we split, but very strangely I am financially better off on a single salary, while living a more 'luxurious' life?! E.g. nicer house, going to events regularly etc. It sounds from your post as though you experience the same. How can that even be?!

@natura Thank you, I really appreciate you giving it some thought! The person you are describing sounds absolutely wonderful and not far off from what I'd like.

I notice that you have moslty described personality and values. I often find that women seem to describe job/ assets/ looks/ baggage or lack of - it does cross my mind but it's not the core of the onion. Any thoughts on that?

You're describing someone quite mature, and I feel like the kind of man who has arrived that level of maturity may be a bit older. Now, I do quite like older men, but being 35, I do sometimes wonder if I'd like to date someone who is 50 and looks 50, even if their personality is amazing. Not to stereotype but I have dated someone that is 50, and feel that their interest in activities as well as sex can really dwindle. Also linking back to the 'why don't men want to do anything and just get attached to the sofa' discussion.

@ElleintheWoods , interesting question, I had been through a horrendous split . My ex went off with the ow , when dd was 3 months old ! I can’t say I was exactly thriving . However I met dp through friends and we have been together for 21 years. I feel I gained more , than I lost .

@ElleintheWoods - I think people's job / assets etc are usually a reflection, to a large extent, of their values. And looks... I definitely have a baseline of attraction that I won't compromise on, but it's amazing how vile a classically beautiful man can suddenly look when you discover he's a man-baby – and how sexy a less attractive man can get when he shows up for you in the way you want and need.

As for maturity, I'd hope it's not a huge ask for men in their early 40s to have their sh&t together. Women usually do😉But I hear you – I say I'd hope it's not a huge ask, but I have yet to date one!