How/ why do women get into relationships?

[ElleintheWoods]

Hear me out. I absolutely love men, they’re awesome and I’d love to have a boyfriend again, but…

If you’re single in your 30s/ 40s and live a very full life with no plans for (more) kids, do you find the idea of a full-on relationship a little suffocating? I’ve been doing a bit of dating and the next step seems so full-on, it actually scares me off.

I remember living with my ex and getting the feeling that every day after work was like coming into a 2nd full-time job. Whatever crisis or work drama he was going to be going through, how he’d want to talk about our relationship, if he needed any advice on a work presentation or his investments or whatnot. It’s of course lovely for the other person to want to interact with you but I started treading coming home and just wanted peace. It was so full-on, like having a pre-teen. Primarily a lot of emotional labour.

My life now, I leave work and can pursue a ton of exciting things. I do it all. Day trips, theatre, spa days, exciting meals, friends, workouts, beautiful hair and clothes, the lot. I’m really happy and my best self.

The men just seem… A bit lonely and not living a very full life, not having good close friends. So right from the start they’re wanting to join in my activities, making plans for the 2 of us, asking for opinions about clothes and hair, jobs they’re applying for… It’s like they need a woman to be complete. Some actually say so, that they’re waiting to meet a woman for their life to really start.

Mostly what I’m looking for from a relationship is the physical side, and yes, I’d be very happy for the right guy to join me in the things I do and be the occasional shoulder to cry on and vice versa, but I don’t want them to anchor their whole life to me from week one and have nothing/ nobody else. It’s happened a few times now where their whole life just becomes talking to me or doing this with me quite quickly, and it’s too much.

It seems to me that anyone that’s really into me becomes quite clingy sooner or later, and the ones who are a bit more independent don’t actually care for me that much.

I’d love to be with someone again, but as a woman who’s really happy, aren’t you a little afraid of losing your identity, personal space and happiness when entering a relationship?

Absolutely agree with you!
I'm older, was married/family for 21 years until it fell apart. Had some years on my own during which I did a bit of dating and had two sort-of relationships.
Realised I just didn't want a relationship and certainly not a partner in life.

Have spent several years totally single and free, absolutely loving it and won't change now. I have more friends rather than fewer and enjoy friendships with singles, couples, men, women, workmates, neighbours....but all friendships and not anything more.
I love the fact I can choose to do whatever I want with no-one hanging on; I'm not someone else's validation. I have total independence and freedom, I don't expect to change that any time soon.

I totally get this op. I've said lots of what you have said to people and they look at me like I have two heads. I work with some lovely men who just don't understand why I don't want another relationship. Funnily enough the women get it.

I found my marriage suffocating and draining tbh and love being on my own. Plus most women just end up carrying all or most of the housework and just end up becoming a maid. A lot of my female friends who are still married hate their partners as they feel like an additional burden. And they feel obliged to have sex with them to keep the peace. Fuck doing all that again.

I would like a relationship with somebody equally independent, who I don't see every day/or even every week. Someone who doesn't need me or message me all day long. They also have to be a full adult who can maintain a home and life independently.

I have a great life with my kids and animals and would be hard pushed to give my time and energy to another draining relationship.

Also I do think women are better at finding friends, whereas men don't do that and so tend to put all of their emotional energy into their partners. Meaning we tend to be more fulfilled on our own. Just my observation.

When I say above I want a fully adult, non needy person who does housework.. I don't think they exist in the dating pool in your 30s or 40s. Because they are the ones that are still happily married. Which is why I don't bother. I've had the same experience as you with dating and it's crap out there.

I think men generally can be a net loss. I am looking forward to when I can have my own house and I am just going to get a shih-tzu ☺️

I’d love to be with someone again, but as a woman who’s really happy, aren’t you a little afraid of losing your identity, personal space and happiness when entering a relationship?

Oh I was terrified of this. It's why I spent my 20s having one-night stands and flings, and running a mile at the thought of commitment. I was really happy like that and didn't especially want to settle down in the future. DP was originally intended as my latest one-night stand and then he stayed for 12 years and counting.

I think it's really rare to find someone you're properly compatible with. Mutual attraction, sexual compatibility, common life goals are the obvious ones but getting the level of neediness/attention just right so it never feels like you're being suffocated. So it makes sense that actively looking for someone who's just right for you is like searching for a needle in a haystack.

I'm like the OP - I can't stand neediness, I don't want to be a man's sole emotional outlet and I need vast amounts of time by myself. I'm lucky to have found a man who fits me perfectly in that sense. But it's not a man/woman thing - I read so many threads on here from anxious women who seem to need constant reassurance, messages throughout the day and romantic treats every week, and THAT seems suffocating to me as well. So it's not about gender, it's about compatible personalities.

Women get into relationships for company, socialising as a couple, marriage and for parenthood. Of course cultural references and societal expectations from family and peers has a lot to do with it but, as you've discovered, when you have your own home, are settled, have a decent disposable income, have freedom to travel, engaging activities and go to events, you might just prefer your own time and space more. There's nothing wrong with it. You seem to live a balanced life and you know what you want. Just do it. Feel a date is getting too full on - pull back. Put some distance between you both. Use your mouth. Tell them that you're looking for something different.

Not all women are like you, though. Some need to hide behind a man or in a relationship and feel they can't be taken seriously until they're in one. Or until they're married. Or until they have 3 kids (oh, and the dog).

I think you just need to weigh the pros and cons that come with a relationship and that will be partly dictated by the kind of person you choose to spend most of your time with - good luck.

This is how I feel in relationships. I don’t want to be around somebody needy who can’t take care of himself, it should be a partnership of equals that enhances your life.

I have a great DP who understands my need for independence, but if it ended for any reason I don’t think I would seek out another relationship.

I'm in my late 40s and divorced 11 months, though my marriage was shit for years before then. He was moody, he was messy, and I couldn't be honest with him for fear of being shouted at. He wanted things a certain way. He also hated change. It was an enormous effort to try and keep it together, until I couldn't anymore.

Now I'm on my own I am nervous about dating because I fear that all the men I meet will just want us to move in together and I am expected to look after him. I never want to live with a man again, nor get married. Not only because of this fear but financially, it will ruin me further if things don't work out. I am also nervous I'll pick another crap one.

Also, the only reason I'll be getting into a relationship is for selfish reasons. I am a bit of a loner and I get lonely sometimes. I miss intimacy and affection. But that's it. I no longer need someone to have a family with, and I have made my own money and have a job with a good pension. I'm saving up and working towards getting my own house. So the only reason I would start seeing someone is because I miss the company and the cuddles. I don't think that's enough!

So the only reason I would start seeing someone is because I miss the company and the cuddles. I don't think that's enough!

@PenneyFouryourthoughts Why not?

I don't think it's selfish to want company occasionally. As long as the other person wants the same (which is the rub) 😁

But it's not selfish to know how much you are willing to share - they give cuddles & companionship, you give the same back.

I have been with Mr ViciousCurrentBun for close to 30 years. We do lots together but have always done lots apart. When you can find the right other half it’s very different to anything else.

I think true compatibility is hard to find.

This is very reassuring to read, OP!

I'm just out of a relationship that was very much as you described; he said he wanted a deeply connected, 'we're each others' person' kind of love, but what that seemed to mean was "I want to do whatever I want (meaning as little as possible) and for you to delight in me regardless"

I rapidly turned into housekeeper, cook, mental health support worker, only friend, bank loan provider and emotional punchbag and I got out as fast as I could.

After being burned like that (and not for the first time) I'm seriously considering what life is likely to look like for me as a self-sufficient woman in her late 30s, and I'm trying to reconcile myself with the idea that I may not meet someone who adds to my life in the ways I want them to.

For me, a relationship is only worth it if it turns into something more than the sum of its parts; that something gets created through us being together that neither of us would be able to achieve on our own.

And until now, relationships have seemed like net losses for me.

But @JudasTree has given me at least a glimmer of hope😅

Did the fwb turn into something more? Or did you meet someone else?

Another one here who can fully relate OP. I'm mid-40s, was with my exh for 20 odd years, been single for 3. Dated and ended up going off every one of the men because of their neediness and their inability to actually create a meaningful life without a woman doing it for them. Luckily I'm completely happy being single and I don't miss sex either. To be honest it's not that great with men my age or older and I can't bring myself to sleep with men closer to my kids age than mine. I have put all the effort into making more friends (moved when I got divorced) and I have a much fuller life now than I did when I was married.

My 20 year marriage ended in 2020. It never felt like a chore to come home to him until right at the end, when things were unraveling before our eyes.

The wanting to be wanted, and not needed, certainly rings true for me @ElleintheWoods

Things ended with my XBF (53) in October, as it just got stale. Met online. We saw each other on average once a fortnight for the whole weekend. He lived a 2 hour drive away. He didn't need me in his life. He wanted me there. We messaged a lot, and shared the ups and downs of life. But he was very happy in his independence, as was I.

I've just got back from a few days away with new BF (46). We met IRL through our work. Again, he's very independent. Loves his space. Loves me doing my own thing when I want to. Loves that I want to hear the stories of the fun things he does with his mates. We hang out a couple of evenings a week, and spend some weekends together depending on childcare. There's a definite joy in this relationship from both of us that wasn't ever present with XBF. I definitely feel wanted by NBF in a way I didn't with XBF.

I always saw things happily staying as they were with XBF. I may have moved closer to him in a few years, but could never have seen myself living with him. NBF - I could, maybe, see him as someone I could tolerate giving up my independence for. I think I've decided that I'd like to live out my life in a LAT relationship Feels like the best of both worlds to me.

I’m like you, men want to tie me down and I want to stay free. They want a big part of me and I’m complete by myself, but they seem incomplete. It goes against the stereotypes that all men wanna play around and women want relationships

It was only supposed to be a casual hook up. We’ve been inseparable ever since the first date. I still can’t believe I met my person on a hook up site 😂

Ahh that's nice. Was it tinder you used?

You're not supposed to be with somebody who makes your life harder. You're not supposed to be with somebody you dread doing things with, you should want to share (some) of your time and activities with your partner.

This! Why do so many men hate doing anything? Everything gets a huff or sulk or whinge. At the start they pretend they love travel, up for everything etc etc. 6 months in and sex fades to nothing and suddenly they are terminally attached to the sofa. Why do so many men go out of their way to make life so depressing? Hating any type of celebration, for example?

Yes I’ve noticed this, it’s not all men as just look at how adventurous some are, or who like going out, but it does seem to be a generally male thing to not want to do much, not try new things, not try and live life to the full.

I honestly don't know any adventurous 40+ men. Unless you mean swingers or sex party fans. That seems to be what they mean on dating sites these days anyway... All the ones I know hate travel, for example.

Like I know men who eg like hiking and are always going on adventures, going to a new food places, going abroad etc.. and look at all the men on MN who have physical hobbies
so they do exist but it seems rarer than women.. most women seem to want to enjoy life more. I feel it myself, I have the urge to live and make the most of being here, have fun, try something different. I’ve known so many men who just want to stay in

Yes I think you're right.

Don't get me wrong, I've had wonderful relationships with my exes, but something in between 'I want to only ever do things with you every moment of the day and change as a person to fit into your life' and 'Yeah I love talking to you but I'm actually not that bothered about doing anything to keep you interested and make you fall for me' would be lovely.

I have met some men with mutual strong attraction who had a strong own identity and a good social life and interests, but coincidentially it's been the case that they're about to move abroad with a job when we have met, or similar circumstances.

Part of me does wonder if I'm just rejecting guys who are keen on me though, for the simple reason that they are keen on me, and that puts me off. Because, in fact, it does put me off, I like a slower progression in a relationship.

Yes, I found online dating a very strange experience in a similar way that you describe, and thus I don't do it anymore. People seem to want to move even faster than in real life, in terms of telling their friends and family about you after a couple of outings etc. It's just not for me.

Did you meet your partner via OLD in the end?

How do you define ‘keen on you’? It could just be you are picking up on love bombing or players.

i think when 2 people are into each other properly it’s easy and there’s no overthinking and we enjoy spending time together rather than resenting it!