To report husband for rape?

[BruisedSoul]

First time posting, please be gentle, I’m currently very fragile and I know I’m not thinking straight after years of abuse. I probably come across as very weak and like a victim. The last thing I need to hear is, why didn’t you leave? God knows I’ve tried. Anyone who understands the dynamics of abuse will know how hard it is to leave and stay gone.
I know in my heart that my husband has been coercing and raping me throughout our marriage. I’m so broken. I’m a shell of the woman I was; years of being gaslit and bullied have left me very diminished and I slip into denial/dissociation and have been left doubting myself, my sanity, and even what happened. I believe husband knows what he’s doing is very wrong. After the last time- the morning of my birthday- he even said to me, “You didn’t want to do that, did you?…. Are you going to accuse me of rape again? Do I need to be worried?” Which tells me he knows I didn’t want to do it.
The problem is, I freeze and am too scared to say no. Scared of his rages, his accusations that I’m frigid. I’ve become so timid. When he suggested sex on my birthday morning I made it clear I didn’t want to and that I needed to pack (we were going away). I didn’t say no directly as I was too scared, but I made it clear I didn’t want to. He said, really? In an angry voice, and persisted, saying it would help relax me and we had plenty of time. It was clear I don’t want to do it; I stopped talking, I didn’t say no but I went limp, scrunched my eyes up, I twisted my head away so he couldn’t kiss me. He is a very clever and successful man, and is very persuasive in telling me he’s done nothing wrong.
I’ve tried and failed to leave many times, and each time gets harder. I’m questioning whether I should finally go to the police to report him? I can’t see any other way out. The thought of refuge and all the stress and upheaval that would entail. I just want him gone- for someone to come and take him away. I think I have a duty to protect future women by reporting him. But the fear of the consequences is holding me back. I tell myself I’ll ruin his life and destroy his career. That reporting is too extreme. I think what I’m asking is for some mumsnet perspective, please. Is this definitely rape/coercion? I think I have lost all perspective and am minimising the gravity of what’s been happening. Any thoughts would be welcome.

Yes, this is definitely rape. I'm so sorry op.

If you can face reporting him then you could do that if you want to?

I think you must find a way to get out though whether you report him or not.

I'm so sorry. What a bastard.

How about calling Women's Aid for some support?

Yes, it's rape.

I tell myself I’ll ruin his life and destroy his career.
I am guessing he has already ruined your life and possibly your career and has no qualms about it.

It is rape and you are right, it is abuse and coercion.

I think you need to find a way out, whether you report or not. Try Women's Aid, but I found Rape Crisis to be very helpful. I was able to message them, rather than phone, which I found easier.

Can you tell someone in real life? Again, the biggest turning point for le was telling a friend, because it made it real.

OP, everyone is going to tell you to leave. It’s hard to hear and it’s even harder to do. But it needs to be your goal. You can get there, and you will have support. Call women’s aid, tell them everything and they will help you. You should also call the police but if you’re not ready to make that call yet then that’s ok. You don’t need to do it all at once. Please call women’s aid and start the process of getting help and getting out.

Yes OP this is rape, abuse and coercion. I'm very sorry to hear what you've been going through. Forget about what damage this might cause him, he has it coming, quite frankly. Lots of good advice from others.

You took the words out of mouth! Even worse quoting the OP when you're the very first one to comment 🤦‍♀️

OP you need to get out and seek legal help. This is not ok. Look after yourself x

Sorry you are experiencing this OP. But even if you report him, they won’t just take him away and lock him up. You need to find another way to escape him. Have you spoken to a family lawyer about an occupation order / non-mol? Have you reported this to anyone else? A GP? A domestic abuse charity?

I think you need to contact women’s aid urgently and have them help you to leave him before you do anything.

The priority is to get you somewhere safe.

It's definitely rape. Have you got anywhere you can stay, do you have children or pets?

As a man this is absolutely awful to read, firstly let me say you are not weak and while you have absolutely been a victim to a total scumbag it doesn't define you and says more about him as a person than you.

Leave him, you can do this and your life will be so much better for it. I understand this is easier said than done but you can do it.

You won't be responsible for ruining his life op. He's doing that by himself by being a rapist. That's his doing , not yours !

Please do call Women's Aid for advice.

You can of course go to the police, but it may not be as simple as reporting him and the police removing him. Women's Aid can advise on the process and support you, and you can start to make the changes you need to get him out of your life.

Yes it's sexual coercion which is rape. Coercion is where you don't have the freedom to say no and because you're in fear of him should you resist, you're not consenting.

He's probably getting off on it but don't think about that now, focus on getting away. You don't necessarily have to go to a refuge.

You can contact a domestic abuse organisation such as the National Domestic Abuse Helpline which is available 24/7, Refuge webchat which is open till 10pm Mon-Fri or Rape Crisis to get clarification on what's happening.

Your husband had raped you, repeatedly. You absolutely would not be unreasonable for reporting him for doing so. I really hope you can find the strength to leave this terrible situation.

He asked if you were going to report him for rape again. Do you mean you've reported him before?

Nothing much to add OP except that he's an abusive scumbag, that you've done nothing wrong, and that I hope you leave and find happiness. x

1. leave and report - get safe immediately

2. if you can’t bring yourself to leave still, set up a recording device for when you do have the courage to leave. You’ll have the evidence then and it will be undeniable

3. but seriously, as soon as possible: LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE please 🙏

Hi OP

I'm very sorry to hear what you've been put through by your husband. Yes it is rape. Just wanted to validate you.

I think you need to be clear what outcome you want. Reporting to the police doesn't mean he's going to be removed from the house permanently. In some ways it will make the process of leaving him harder. As you have both a police process to worry about as well as the process of separation.

Please reach out somewhere for support. Rape crisis sounds like a good suggestion initially. I wish you all the best.

Your post tells us - and more importantly, yourself - that you know your husband is a rapist. You've been minimising the gravity of what he's doing so that you can keep putting one foot in front of the other and that's entirely understandable and normal in such awful circumstances, but as a strategy, it's running out of road and you know you need a more durable way to protect yourself.

For now at least, put to one side your anxiety about other women. Your husband isn't a dangerous dog and you aren't his registered keeper with responsibility for his behaviour. He's a horribly flawed human being with more than enough insight into what he's doing and how much he's hurting you. (He's also scraping away at his own psyche, but that's something else for him to worry about.) The only person with responsibility for his behaviour is him.

You need a strategy to get you out of the situation you are in and to a place of safety, whether it's a refuge, the home of a friend or relative, or your own home with your husband gone. I agree with what others have said about Women's Aid as they have experience of dealing with the legal, emotional and practical ramifications of getting out of an abusive relationship. Bear in mind that there's a statistic that suggests that it can take a woman an average of seven attempts to leave before she finally makes the break; if it was that easy, that statistic would not be out there. I wish you the very best - remember that there are a lot of us out here rooting for you.

I’m questioning whether I should finally go to the police to report him? I can’t see any other way out. The thought of refuge and all the stress and upheaval that would entail. I just want him gone- for someone to come and take him away.

I'm sorry but that's not how it works.

If you want to end the relationship only you can do that, but there are organisations who can support you.

If you report it, the police will book an appointment. You'll give a video interview where you will have to describe it all in graphic detail. Maybe multiple interviews. They will request access to all your medical records about everything ever, including any counselling you've ever had. They will trawl your personal devices. They will decide whether they think a jury will believe you. They may interview him or they may decide there's no reasonable prospect of conviction and discontinue the investigation.

There isn't a part of that process where they sweep in and just take him out of your life forever. Certainly not just on your immediate say-so.

There are organisations who can support you, whether you're ready to leave or currently want to stay. I would encourage you to access their support.

Please speak to Rape Crisis and to domestic abuse services. If you decide to report him, make sure you have all the support you can.

I would also consider speaking to the Rights of Women or a solicitor with experience of domestic abuse cases, so you can get legal advice to help keep him away from you if he's bailed etc.

He absolutely deserves to be reported and prosecuted.

I tell myself I’ll ruin his life and destroy his career.
If you told someone about his actions, how would that be you ruining his life and destroying his career? He did those things, not you.