To report husband for rape?

[BruisedSoul]

First time posting, please be gentle, I’m currently very fragile and I know I’m not thinking straight after years of abuse. I probably come across as very weak and like a victim. The last thing I need to hear is, why didn’t you leave? God knows I’ve tried. Anyone who understands the dynamics of abuse will know how hard it is to leave and stay gone.
I know in my heart that my husband has been coercing and raping me throughout our marriage. I’m so broken. I’m a shell of the woman I was; years of being gaslit and bullied have left me very diminished and I slip into denial/dissociation and have been left doubting myself, my sanity, and even what happened. I believe husband knows what he’s doing is very wrong. After the last time- the morning of my birthday- he even said to me, “You didn’t want to do that, did you?…. Are you going to accuse me of rape again? Do I need to be worried?” Which tells me he knows I didn’t want to do it.
The problem is, I freeze and am too scared to say no. Scared of his rages, his accusations that I’m frigid. I’ve become so timid. When he suggested sex on my birthday morning I made it clear I didn’t want to and that I needed to pack (we were going away). I didn’t say no directly as I was too scared, but I made it clear I didn’t want to. He said, really? In an angry voice, and persisted, saying it would help relax me and we had plenty of time. It was clear I don’t want to do it; I stopped talking, I didn’t say no but I went limp, scrunched my eyes up, I twisted my head away so he couldn’t kiss me. He is a very clever and successful man, and is very persuasive in telling me he’s done nothing wrong.
I’ve tried and failed to leave many times, and each time gets harder. I’m questioning whether I should finally go to the police to report him? I can’t see any other way out. The thought of refuge and all the stress and upheaval that would entail. I just want him gone- for someone to come and take him away. I think I have a duty to protect future women by reporting him. But the fear of the consequences is holding me back. I tell myself I’ll ruin his life and destroy his career. That reporting is too extreme. I think what I’m asking is for some mumsnet perspective, please. Is this definitely rape/coercion? I think I have lost all perspective and am minimising the gravity of what’s been happening. Any thoughts would be welcome.

I had all of the above aside from rape but I understand why it’s so hard to leave. I was she’ll for 5 years after but you must find the strength the stress of living this way will kill you. So sorry it’s tragic.

I am so sorry you are living like this OP. You know this is rape, and you know you deserve better and he deserves to be prosecuted for RAPE, actual rape. I think you are getting good advice here, and I sense that you are finally seeing that this is NOT ok and you need a way out. Dont think about what it will do to his life, think about what he has done to your life. He deserves nothing but scorn and punishment for what he has done. Seek the professional assistance of the rape crisis center.

Call Women's Aid when he is not there. Reporting won't mean he will be taken away so you may be in danger. First leave safely and then think about reporting. Women's Aid are amazing - please contact them.

Please stop quoting the OP!

I hope you find a way to get away from this man OP. Your post was harrowing to read.

Women’s Aid may be a good first port of call.

Why are people repeating the OP when that was likely a really hard task for her to put into words

OP, you've taken a huge step putting all of this down in black and white. Well done for that. You've had some wise advice, and please don't think you'll end his career. That is the result of his actions, and his actions alone. You have done nothing wrong here. Don't ever let go of that. Do you have a friend or someone you can confide in who will support you through leaving?

Please call Women's Aid today and go to the police. I'm so sorry. You are very brave..

No one would ever judge you; you’re so brave in even facing up to what is happening and admitting to yourself it is wrong. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. You will feel so so much better once you are safe and free of him. The next steps now are just working out how you do so and keep yourself safe. Men like this can get violent when they feel they are losing control / especially if he thinks you’ll report him for rape, so escape plan needs to be plotted carefully.

Whether you choose to report him or not, is up to you. But this decision can run separately from whether you want to stay in this relationship; and it sounds like you know you don’t.

i would suggest you go speak confidentially to a family lawyer specialising in domestic violence (for which you’d get legal aid) who can advise you on things that you might be able to do to protect yourself (things like non molestation orders and occupation orders which can be helpful to protect you and give you some space whilst you sort the divorce and finances out).

You can do this.

This is not your fault and you are not weak.

You have been abused and manipulated to the point you can't see a clear way out but even posting alone is the first step.

Now you need to start building a support network around you to help you escape and finally have the freedom amd life you deserve.

Start with Women's Aid and the Rape Crisis network.

Do you have any friends or family that could also support you? I understand it may be difficult as he's probably isolated you from everyone.

Once you have support in place and people to help you, it will become earlier.

I think you need specialist support with your situation. You have a really good understanding of how your experience of domestic abuse has impacted you and your perception of the situation but now you need experts to help guide you through how you safely leave and report him if that’s what you want. People will recommend woman’s aid and while they are great they are often very busy and can be hard to contact. If I were you I’d google your county name and domestic abuse charity and see if you can find a local charity who can offer you one to one face to face support. I’d also consider if you have any trusted friends you can confide in? It’s often a significant turning point for a woman when she stops protecting the man by hiding his behaviour from her friends and family.

I hear you OP and I'm sorry. This is not right and you don't have to live like this. Your future life can be so much better.

If you can give us a vague idea of where you are, others may be able to direct you to local resources who will help. x

Hi OP this is rape and committed by the man you should be able to trust and feel safe with. Its going to be a difficult journey but have faith and strength that no man has the right to coerce, manipulate and force himself on you. Any decent man that truly loves you would find this behaviour abhorrent. I really hope you have the strength to leave this disgusting excuse of a man as you are worthy of a life without fear and rape and replace it with joy and love. Sending you a massive hug x

OP as others said, yes you have been raped. There's nothing shameful in being the victim of a crime, no need to apologize for sounding like a victim. It's brave of you to write it down.

Reporting this now might make leaving harder. Focus on leaving first. Call women's aid, get practical advice. And get out.

I'm so sorry you've had to suffer all this. Sometimes you trust the wrong person. Tha can happen to anyone.

I'll light a candle and think of you.

Yes this is rape.

Focus on leaving, not reporting. Reporting won’t make him disappear. Especially in this circumstance. It’s “he said she said” between a married couple. I’d be very, very surprised if a prosecutor decided to pursue this case.

I’ve seen cases between strangers with DNA evidence, evidence of bruises, strangulation and even video evidence and juries still won’t convict. The bar is absurdly high.

I’m so sorry that won’t be what you want to hear but to tell you otherwise would be doing you a disservice. I’d rather you focus your energy where it’s going to be most useful and it isn’t with reporting rape to the police. It’s leaving. It’s contacting Women’s Aid.

Thank you all so, so much for your kind messages. I haven’t figured out how to reply to individual messages yet and to be honest I’m not completely free to be on here too long. The awful thing is, we were due to go away on the morning of the last incident. I was so shell shocked that I found myself on the ferry- I’m trying to just get through til Saturday when I get back. I’m safe; we’re actually at his brother’s place. I had a thought to privately tell my sister-in-law but I honestly think that they would not believe me and it would be a disaster. So I’m just going to stay calm til I get home. I’ve managed all these years, so I can do a few more days.

in answer to someone’s question, yes, I did confront him a few years ago and tell him I thought it was rape. I was braver then and better at standing up for myself. That’s what he was referring to. So yes, he knows he’s doing it, I can see that now.

The resounding message I’ve got from you all is: safety first, before anything. And I agree- I need expert advice to navigate getting out. I’ve begged family for help over the years but have been repeatedly let down. Please, everyone, if a woman ever comes to you to tell you they are being abused, believe them. Don’t tell her to stand up for herself, to stop being so sensitive, or that she is in some way causing it. The pain of not being heard or understood by those close to me has been devastating- a double betrayal. To see my sister hug him after what I’ve disclosed has been soul destroying. So at this point I accept that I need professional help. I’m be tried to handle it my way for too long and it hasn’t worked. Thank you too to the poster who spelt out what reporting might actually look like. That was sobering. I think there’s a desperate scared part of me that just wants it all to go away, but I know that’s not how the world works, and I must be adult and savvy and brave to deal with this.

Thank you all. I’ll try to update regularly.

Prepare yourself to be brave and not back down or go back to him. You may get second thoughts, because his control and manipulation will be hard to make a clear break. Pack a bag and find somewhere to go, someone who will listen. Definitely report to police and find any text messages etc that confirm he’s been controlling and remember it’s not your fault. You’ve not been weak. You’ve not got to be ashamed. He has done this and today is the day it stops.

@OP I am so so sorry he has done this to you. You have done whatever you needed to in order to survive and I think you’re incredibly brave. I have no practical wisdom to offer - others will be much better placed. But I wanted you to know that this stranger and countless others on here absolutely see your pain and wish we could comfort you and help you. My heart broke when I read your post. I have no decent words for your abuser, so I will say nothing except none of this is your fault and none of it is acceptable, whatever he may tell you. Much love x

Don't feel any pressure to update us OP.

Rome wasn't built in a day, it's going to take you time to marshal resources and work out what to do.

I'm very sorry for sister wasn't supportive. That sounds heartbreaking. You were really brave to reach out to her.

I would agree your husband's family are not people you should look to help you, sad as that is. He will ultimately be their priority.

It is rape and he has proven that he is not someone to be trusted with your physical safety. What matters most is finding a way to get away and stay away.

the police may or may not be the best path. Whatever you do, don’t tip your hand. Don’t let him know you are thinking about making any changes at all. Even if all you want is a divorce, don’t tell him until you have already taken your essentials to whatever safe place you will be staying.

Talk to women’s aid before you act. Use an incognito browser and clear your call log even if your devices are password protected. If you are like most spouses, you know many of one another’s passwords anyway so those don’t do much good.

I haven’t read all the responses but please consider the NCDV. They offer a free services to help remove abusers from the home, injunctions etc. You can register for support online or over the phone. Most injunctions are served within 24 hours. www.ncdv.org.uk/

My heart goes out to you. He's a disgusting bastard. Do you have any children? Could you stay with your brother when H goes home, just for a bit while you get sorted?

I'm so sorry about your sister. I'd have my BIL's balls for earrings if she told me what you told yours.

I hope you can get away from him soon xx

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, OP.

Do you have friends you could confide in? Someone who could sit with you when you report it? I’ve been to the police twice with friends who reported a rape. It was terrible but I’m very glad I was able to support them.

I hope you find time and space to get help, and that you are soon free. You deserve happiness and safety ❤

I'm so sorry that the support hasn't been there for you in the past. You deserve so much better from the people in your life.

My friends FIL was not a nice man she always felt uncomfortable around him her MIL on the other hand was the sweetest lady. When FIL hit his mid seventies Alzheimer's hit he became openly aggressive police involved a few times. He went into a home where he began sexually assaulting others including female staff. He was then heavily sedated until his death.

MIL then admitted that he had raped her every night since their marriage until the day he went into the home. There are monsters amongst us outwardly successful, even charming.

I wish you the very best @BruisedSoul . Talk to the experts when you get home.

You are not like a victim, you are a victim and I hate that term because it feels inferior when in fact the strength you have is quite significant. I hope one day you are a survivor. I believe you. You will be believed, don’t let your family, who should have your wellbeing front and centre make you think you will be doubted.

speak to women’s aid, be aware tho when I contacted them they asked about the abuse and said depending on what I disclosed they may pass it to the police if they believe me to be in immediate danger.

I think you need to gather evidence and I also think you need to find a safe route out. Women’s aid can help and support with this.

its absolutely massive that you have acknowledged what happened / is happening to you. I’m still not in a place to acknowledge the sexual side of my relationship with my abuser. I almost don’t want to confront that ugly truth so I have full admiration that you have been able to do so. My logical brain is like yes this woman is being raped but I somehow still tell myself it wasn’t rape because I wasn’t forced physically pinned down or scared, I just didn’t want it and somehow for me it doesn’t feel the same and the term rape would be doing an injustice to those who are forced to have sex against their will. It is rape though, no matter if you struggle or not. It’s rape the second you communicate either verbally or with your body language that you don’t want it.

my inbox is open to you any time xx

Well if you do not quite how will she know what you are responding to. It’s not a big issue im scheme of things come on. We obviously all want her to leave and leave immediately. People are just trying to help
in any way they can.