First time posting, please be gentle, I’m currently very fragile and I know I’m not thinking straight after years of abuse. I probably come across as very weak and like a victim. The last thing I need to hear is, why didn’t you leave? God knows I’ve tried. Anyone who understands the dynamics of abuse will know how hard it is to leave and stay gone.
I know in my heart that my husband has been coercing and raping me throughout our marriage. I’m so broken. I’m a shell of the woman I was; years of being gaslit and bullied have left me very diminished and I slip into denial/dissociation and have been left doubting myself, my sanity, and even what happened. I believe husband knows what he’s doing is very wrong. After the last time- the morning of my birthday- he even said to me, “You didn’t want to do that, did you?…. Are you going to accuse me of rape again? Do I need to be worried?” Which tells me he knows I didn’t want to do it.
The problem is, I freeze and am too scared to say no. Scared of his rages, his accusations that I’m frigid. I’ve become so timid. When he suggested sex on my birthday morning I made it clear I didn’t want to and that I needed to pack (we were going away). I didn’t say no directly as I was too scared, but I made it clear I didn’t want to. He said, really? In an angry voice, and persisted, saying it would help relax me and we had plenty of time. It was clear I don’t want to do it; I stopped talking, I didn’t say no but I went limp, scrunched my eyes up, I twisted my head away so he couldn’t kiss me. He is a very clever and successful man, and is very persuasive in telling me he’s done nothing wrong.
I’ve tried and failed to leave many times, and each time gets harder. I’m questioning whether I should finally go to the police to report him? I can’t see any other way out. The thought of refuge and all the stress and upheaval that would entail. I just want him gone- for someone to come and take him away. I think I have a duty to protect future women by reporting him. But the fear of the consequences is holding me back. I tell myself I’ll ruin his life and destroy his career. That reporting is too extreme. I think what I’m asking is for some mumsnet perspective, please. Is this definitely rape/coercion? I think I have lost all perspective and am minimising the gravity of what’s been happening. Any thoughts would be welcome.