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Original poster

Dead bedroom feeling alone

62 replies

Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 13:25

I don’t know what I want from this apart from to get it all down in one place. Married M39 to F36 with primary ages kids. I have been feeling extremely alone in my relationship for a while. Intimacy dropped off around the start of Covid and has declined to nothing over the last few years. Last had sex late 2023 and the time before that was April 2022.
Wife started feeling anxious about lots of things around Covid even though it fortunately didn’t affect us very much. We put everything into the kids and have a minuscule support network. We haven’t had a proper date since before 2020 and previous to that it was once or twice a year. I have researched a lot and understand about responsive compared to spontaneous desire and I have always been respectful to her wishes but it has got to the point where sex isn’t a subject that even comes up and to be honest if a sex scene comes on TV I feel awkward. She doesn’t like me touching her beyond a cheek kiss or a cuddle.
I have kept myself on good shape for someone nearing 40 and she is as beautiful as the day I met her. I am active at home and often take the lead on lots of issues around the emotional upbringing of the kids way way beyond just the usual housework. We are truly a team bringing up our children.
There has never been anyone else for either of and I don’t use pornography. I feel she has completely gone off sex. I know she has felt she has lost herself and I have supported her as much as I can or know how too. She isn’t one for therapy even though I have had positive experiences with it.
I just feel so alone and that we are roommates at home and colleagues in bringing up our kids together. I don’t know where to go from here. I admit I was a late bloomer and she is my only partner in that way but it keeps me up at night that my sex life might have stopped in my mid 30s especially when I started so late.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 15/04/2025 13:32

You haven’t spent time together as a couple or dated since 2020? 5 years!! If you only exist as mum and dad I’m not surprised that’s how she sees you really.

peppermintcrumble · 15/04/2025 13:32

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Lazycatsitsonthemat · 15/04/2025 13:37

Why can’t you book a night out ? It’s not hard to find a babysitter.

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 13:55

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Thanks but if you have spent any time on there as I have in the past when genuinely looking for help you just find a lot of angry bitter men and it’s not the most constructive.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 15/04/2025 13:56

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💯

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 13:57

Lazycatsitsonthemat · 15/04/2025 13:37

Why can’t you book a night out ? It’s not hard to find a babysitter.

Thank you, I alluded to her having some anxiety and a lot of that is centred around the kids. I won’t go into the extended family dynamic but she struggles to let her own family take care of the kids (for some good and some less than good reasons) sometimes so a stranger is a complete NO

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 15/04/2025 13:59

OP it doesn't sound like you're putting in any effort into your relationship. You are spending a lot of time trying to get sex.

Many women don't want to have sex with people they don't feel connected to. You need to have a conversation with your wife where you don't bring up sex.

Talk about how she feels about the relationship and how she feels about you. Does she feel loved? Does she have needs that you're not meeting? This should also be a two way conversation but listen to what she says.

Put as much effort into reconnecting with your wife as you are currently putting into researching sex.

Gymbunny2025 · 15/04/2025 13:59

Do they not go to school?

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 14:05

Maitri108 · 15/04/2025 13:59

OP it doesn't sound like you're putting in any effort into your relationship. You are spending a lot of time trying to get sex.

Many women don't want to have sex with people they don't feel connected to. You need to have a conversation with your wife where you don't bring up sex.

Talk about how she feels about the relationship and how she feels about you. Does she feel loved? Does she have needs that you're not meeting? This should also be a two way conversation but listen to what she says.

Put as much effort into reconnecting with your wife as you are currently putting into researching sex.

Thanks but we have had many conversations about this over the years and I really do out in the effort in lots of little ways. I haven’t brought up sex with her in over a year and instead I have tried to understand who she is and what she needs to feel safe and loved. I have bought books and set up activities around us being a couple again, I make small gestures every day and actively try and be the lead parent in a lot of our family issues. This isn’t just about not getting sex this is about how to fix a massive disconnect in our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 14:07

Gymbunny2025 · 15/04/2025 13:59

Do they not go to school?

Yes they do and we do occasionally get time together when they aren’t there but the activities we do and how we spend that time still isn’t couple centred. The truth is it’s getting more and more awkward to reconnect in any meaningful way.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 15/04/2025 14:07

Im not sure why you’re getting a hard time.

Personally I’d be done and I’m 54. It sounds like she really needs some help with mental health and just saying I don’t want to would really piss me off.

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 14:11

Wallywobbles · 15/04/2025 14:07

Im not sure why you’re getting a hard time.

Personally I’d be done and I’m 54. It sounds like she really needs some help with mental health and just saying I don’t want to would really piss me off.

Thanks but like I said she doesn’t like the idea of couples or personal therapy. I have had positive outcomes from therapy in the past but she’s very reserved and wouldn’t like talking to anyone about anything too personal.

I come from a broken home and even though I know children being brought up by parents with poor relationship is often not great I just couldn’t do that. I want to try my best to fix this or survive the alternative. At some points my best case would be to take all the desire away from myself too and maybe we could become completely platonic.

OP posts:
jolies1 · 15/04/2025 14:12

Firstly dates are hard with young kids. I’ve found the best option for us is days out, when we can get grandparents to babysit or they are in childcare, so once every few weeks we take a day off and go and have a day together, spa day, play sport and have a nice lunch etc. It’s not perfect but it’s nice to have some time to remember we’re not just mum and dad.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 15/04/2025 14:12

A lot of these relationship problems ultimately end with divorce.

What about ‘acceptance’? This is probably your life now, you can either wait until the kids are older to divorce, or get the ball rolling now.

There is only so much you can do if your wife doesn’t want to change the situation.

noidea69 · 15/04/2025 14:13

Blimey the responses on here arent very kind.

What has response been why you try to discuss the disconnect in the relationship.

BeMintFatball · 15/04/2025 14:20

Arrange a date when the children are school. Choose a nice restaurant for lunch. Don’t expect sex. You have to connect with her again by talking first.

WakingUpToReality · 15/04/2025 14:23

I’m picking up on a huge amount of anxiety in your wife. You say she won’t even get a babysitter and presumably your kids are past the toddler years. This is unusual. And she is reluctant to go to therapy and open up about your issues, again a lot of anxiety there. If you do nothing and ignore/give up on sex, you still have a problem that you can’t go out because she is too anxious to have a babysitter. So anxiety is a big problem you need to tackle. Unfortunately you need therapy for that. I think you need to give an ultimatum to force therapy, It will be beneficial to both of you. I think as well (having suffered personally with anxiety myself), it tends to get worse as the years go by…

Maitri108 · 15/04/2025 14:25

Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 14:05

Thanks but we have had many conversations about this over the years and I really do out in the effort in lots of little ways. I haven’t brought up sex with her in over a year and instead I have tried to understand who she is and what she needs to feel safe and loved. I have bought books and set up activities around us being a couple again, I make small gestures every day and actively try and be the lead parent in a lot of our family issues. This isn’t just about not getting sex this is about how to fix a massive disconnect in our relationship.

Show quote history

No problem OP.

Why is your post called 'Dead bedroom...' and about not having sex with your wife if that isn't the issue you're concerned about?

If you are as good at communicating your concerns as you are here, then perhaps your wife is confused.

You say in your OP that you haven't had a date for five years then you tell me that you set up activities around us being a couple again.

You say that you have had many conversations with your wife over the years and do everything you can to make her feel safe and loved. I'm sorry to say that it's evidently not working.

Your wife is clearly unattracted to you so it's best to accept the situation, or move on.

NoviceVillager · 15/04/2025 14:25

I can echo PPs suggestions of days out whilst the kids are at school. Why don’t you invite your wife out for a nice lunch? You’ve got to try to reconnect emotionally though (if she thinks nice lunch = you expecting sex she may be completely turned off).

If she won’t do anything about anxiety and doesn’t want more than a ‘roommates’ arrangement then unfortunately you may need to split to be able to move forward.

Drjason · 15/04/2025 14:31

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Typical ignorance I see here often, THis forum is open to such topics. Go get a coffee or just ignore the post

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 14:32

WakingUpToReality · 15/04/2025 14:23

I’m picking up on a huge amount of anxiety in your wife. You say she won’t even get a babysitter and presumably your kids are past the toddler years. This is unusual. And she is reluctant to go to therapy and open up about your issues, again a lot of anxiety there. If you do nothing and ignore/give up on sex, you still have a problem that you can’t go out because she is too anxious to have a babysitter. So anxiety is a big problem you need to tackle. Unfortunately you need therapy for that. I think you need to give an ultimatum to force therapy, It will be beneficial to both of you. I think as well (having suffered personally with anxiety myself), it tends to get worse as the years go by…

Thanks that’s helpful. For our anniversary last year I planned a day out. Every detail was covered and even the weather was playing ball. As we were leaving she found out her mother was going shopping (her mother is our emergency child care) and unfortunately my wife decided that because there might be no one available if one of the kids had an emergency at school (not a regular occurrence) that she couldn’t go. We had to amend our plans so we were staying close to home.

OP posts:
jolies1 · 15/04/2025 14:35

Time together as a couple even if it’s when children are in school or childcare. Dates that are fun and not stereotypically “sexy” - some of our best have been playing a new sport together, lunch and a good chat, darts bar. Something fun with an edge of competition is good!

Take the idea of sex of the table for a while, be genuine and affectionate but without it feeling like you have an agenda (if you start snuggling up and kissing her at 10.30pm in bed, it indicates you want sex. If you give her a proper kiss before leaving for work, tell her she looks gorgeous when you’re out for coffee, it makes her feel nice but without the pressure). Think about how you would have acted when you first met, when sex was never a guarantee and you were excited for the flirting, first kisses, touching.

Make sure she has some time for herself regularly. After a long day with toddler, half his dinner down my top, hair in a bun for bathtime and legs I haven’t shaved in days, the last thing I am thinking about is being sexy for my husband. A hot bath and a glass of wine while he does bedtime & tidies the house - much more relaxed and in the mood.

Encourage each other to have a bit of a life outside the kids - hobbies or sports, make sure you both get the opportunity. A bit of space from each other and family life can often be good & gives you more to chat about than what shall you watch on Netflix.

justforthis · 15/04/2025 14:36

I don't have any advice, just sorry you've been given a hard time on here. Uncalled for imo

Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 14:41

justforthis · 15/04/2025 14:36

I don't have any advice, just sorry you've been given a hard time on here. Uncalled for imo

Thanks! Getting told she doesn’t find me attractive anymore and I should just leave and break up my family as one poster said was a bit of a kick in the balls so it’s nice to know I haven’t came off badly to everyone!

OP posts:
Original poster
Biscuitsneaker · 15/04/2025 14:47

Just to clear up a point. I have never expected sex in any way for quite a few years now. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand what makes my wife tick as a person and to understand he needs and wants on a deeper level but this has never been to facilitate sex. I want her to understand that I feel lonely and that our relationship isn’t healthy, close or a connected one. I get that the no sex is a symptom of a deeper issue but I need help navigating out of that or even just identifying it. I think she has found her role and is happy to stick with it. I don’t think she has any want or desire for an intimate connection anymore.

OP posts:
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