Dead bedroom feeling alone

[Biscuitsneaker]

I don’t know what I want from this apart from to get it all down in one place. Married M39 to F36 with primary ages kids. I have been feeling extremely alone in my relationship for a while. Intimacy dropped off around the start of Covid and has declined to nothing over the last few years. Last had sex late 2023 and the time before that was April 2022.
Wife started feeling anxious about lots of things around Covid even though it fortunately didn’t affect us very much. We put everything into the kids and have a minuscule support network. We haven’t had a proper date since before 2020 and previous to that it was once or twice a year. I have researched a lot and understand about responsive compared to spontaneous desire and I have always been respectful to her wishes but it has got to the point where sex isn’t a subject that even comes up and to be honest if a sex scene comes on TV I feel awkward. She doesn’t like me touching her beyond a cheek kiss or a cuddle.
I have kept myself on good shape for someone nearing 40 and she is as beautiful as the day I met her. I am active at home and often take the lead on lots of issues around the emotional upbringing of the kids way way beyond just the usual housework. We are truly a team bringing up our children.
There has never been anyone else for either of and I don’t use pornography. I feel she has completely gone off sex. I know she has felt she has lost herself and I have supported her as much as I can or know how too. She isn’t one for therapy even though I have had positive experiences with it.
I just feel so alone and that we are roommates at home and colleagues in bringing up our kids together. I don’t know where to go from here. I admit I was a late bloomer and she is my only partner in that way but it keeps me up at night that my sex life might have stopped in my mid 30s especially when I started so late.

She had relationships before me and admitted other things about her past that led me to believe that she did seek out sex and have a reasonable libido. That said she has always been coy and more on the passive side. I had a health concern a few years ago and we talked about what if I didn’t survive. She did mention (not in a negative way) that she would seek out that type of relationship again and wanted that type of connection.

My dad hid an affair for several years and my uncle was known to have one too. I am stopping that legacy without question! If I could get a pill that would take my libido away I would probably take it!

I think she wants to be a mother and not a wife. I think you need to build a better emergency network, play dates, other parents, au pairs, paid for childcare. You need to decompress the parenting anxiety.

You can start this yourself. Make friends with other parents at parties and hobbies and find out what their emergency childcare is. They might like to share an au pair with you.

Regarding the sex :is the anxious parenting a shield against intimacy, rekindling and sex?

Honest communication seems to be a problem. If she won't try joint counselling, get your own. Protect your own mental health.

I also think that children are sweet and amazing and also draining! until 10 or older. Combine that with jobs and endless responsibility, mortgage repayments and boring family holidays and a humdrum life😬😬😆😆, it saps a lot of the sexiness from even the most willing Adonis.

The couples that I know that seem to genuinely fancy each other, have low responsibility lives, with either an idyllic country life (that is their choice and they enjoy) or plenty of money and help.

I don't know the answers I m separated myself and bored of new relationships very quickly or they never take off.

I m starting to think couples in open ENM relationships might be onto something.

This is so sad OP, knowing you only live once and life is so short.

And I know it’s sad because I know how you feel - my husband (45) is just like your wife. No interest at all. My last “date” with my husband was in March 2019! I’m 42, have been with my husband since 2006 and my interest in sex has never waned at all. It’s soul destroying, snd so incredibly difficult when they won’t talk about it. My husband refuses to admit there’s an issue. I’ve lived like this for 15 years and trust me, there’s a limit and I think mine is not far away.

It’s admirable you want to try and accept the situation. You’re so so young and I feel that resentment is going to build. I really hope you can get through to your wife about seeking out help to see if things can be changed, especially with regards to her anxiety which no doubt plays a part. It would be wonderful if this could be fixed because you sound like a great guy and that you really love your wife.

Ignore the men haters on here; some posters are like vigilantes every time a man pops up.

Thank you! Knowing that I’m not alone in the way I am feeling helps and seeing posts from women saying they still want an intimate relationship is a great comfort. I find myself wondering what friends and colleagues relationships are like and even if I did open a dialogue with them I know it’s still not fixing the problem.

Have you checked out Ester Perel - Mating in Captivity - she is very insightful on long term relationships and keeping the sexual side alive. There are youtubes of her ted talks.
Sounds like your relationship needs more tension. If leaving is something in your mind I would talk about it with her. That you feel you have more of a friendship type relationship now rather than partners and its not what you want for the rest of your life. No pressure to have sex, simply sharing your inner thoughts, worries and a heads up to her on where this is heading.
Yes it will upset her, and it will cause tension, and that's what you want. Personally I also think that level of honesty is a good thing in relationships. Sex is a reptilian brain thing, youre not going to spark desire in her by doing more of the same thing you are already doing.

Thanks bit knowing my wife this would likely end in her stating well “you might as well leave and find someone who wants this because it isn’t me”
I have been frank and open about my wants in the relationship and she always has to see things play out fairly. It often used to be if she didn’t want it then shouldn’t want it. I know that isn’t right but as mentioned about her previous anxieties etc she doesn’t tend to empathise or see my side of this.
Maybe tension and intrigue would help but I don’t think hinting at going is the answer for us.

After 2 years, I think they are realistically the three options available.

if she won’t go to counselling with you then I can’t see how this will ever change. You can continue to be kind to her and do things for her and see if there is any change but I get the feeling there won’t be.

Thanks so are they open relationship, leave or fix the issues?

I would think more likely.

1. acceptance
2. open relationship
3. leave.

Fixing the issues will only work if BOTH of you are invested in that. It doesn’t sound like she is.

It is certainly a relief to find out you're not alone! I was in your situation a few years ago, looking for answers or wishing my libido away. In hindsight we had both caused the situation to get worse; she withdrew physically and I did emotionally (or vice versa) and it spiralled.

She suggested we separated last year, something I was also thinking. After much discussion, it turned out that despite always got on well, we had always both felt we weren't right for one another but had carried on thinking it was the right thing to do and it would get easier. In fact we were making one another unhappy. Something that became more and more apparent over time as life got more complicated.

Every situation is different but perhaps she is avoiding a difficult conversation with you.