Dead bedroom feeling alone

[Biscuitsneaker]

I don’t know what I want from this apart from to get it all down in one place. Married M39 to F36 with primary ages kids. I have been feeling extremely alone in my relationship for a while. Intimacy dropped off around the start of Covid and has declined to nothing over the last few years. Last had sex late 2023 and the time before that was April 2022.
Wife started feeling anxious about lots of things around Covid even though it fortunately didn’t affect us very much. We put everything into the kids and have a minuscule support network. We haven’t had a proper date since before 2020 and previous to that it was once or twice a year. I have researched a lot and understand about responsive compared to spontaneous desire and I have always been respectful to her wishes but it has got to the point where sex isn’t a subject that even comes up and to be honest if a sex scene comes on TV I feel awkward. She doesn’t like me touching her beyond a cheek kiss or a cuddle.
I have kept myself on good shape for someone nearing 40 and she is as beautiful as the day I met her. I am active at home and often take the lead on lots of issues around the emotional upbringing of the kids way way beyond just the usual housework. We are truly a team bringing up our children.
There has never been anyone else for either of and I don’t use pornography. I feel she has completely gone off sex. I know she has felt she has lost herself and I have supported her as much as I can or know how too. She isn’t one for therapy even though I have had positive experiences with it.
I just feel so alone and that we are roommates at home and colleagues in bringing up our kids together. I don’t know where to go from here. I admit I was a late bloomer and she is my only partner in that way but it keeps me up at night that my sex life might have stopped in my mid 30s especially when I started so late.

Your thread title says you’re only interested in getting sex, despite what you’ve gone on to say. You want women her to tell you how to make your wife want sex with you. I’m always suspicious of threads like this.

It sounds like she is making excuses not to spend time with you, which must be awful. Cancelling a day out because her Mum is not available for emergency childcare is mean, especially after you’d put a lot of effort in. I think you need to call her out on this more firmly or ask her if she’s being deliberately avoidant. But be prepared- because you might not like the answer.
You’re putting a lot of effort in and getting a brick wall in return- and that’s not fair.
A very honest, direct talk is needed

@Biscuitsneaker

There is a very good thread on the sex board “ managing different sex drives” it’s from the perspective of a woman whose DH has had the “talk” and her reactions to the advice which is very different than on here.

inevitably you can only do you. You can facilitate an environment for intimacy but for whatever reason she doesn’t have to have sex equally you don’t have to stay. Miserable men also make bad dads no matter how hard you try.

The sex board is full of men. Lots of my friends use mumsnet, none would use that board. It’s called pervsnet on other sites due to its reputation.

@Biscuitsneaker - this sounds very difficult. It sounds like your wife is hiding behind her anxiety rather than tackling it because at some level it suits her to do that. I speak as an anxious person but I have worked hard to combat it, including with therapy. Unfortunately, it makes it very hard for you if she just keeps her walls up and finds excuses for not addressing it.

Whenever anyone (female or male) posts about having no sexual intimacy in their relationship, you get a very mixed bag of responses including from people who maintain there should be no expectation of sexual intimacy in a marriage and that the poster is wrong to complain about the lack of it. They express the view that sex is a very minor and unimportant part of a marriage - because that’s how it is for them.

I’m in the camp which regards a degree of sexual intimacy as a reasonable expectation and important glue for a relationship (unless there’s a health issue which makes all forms of sexual intimacy impossible). It is something I only do with my husband and one of the ways in which my husband and I express our closeness to each other. Therefore, I think it is reasonable of you to want some closeness with your wife and to miss it if it’s not there.

There are some good tips above about doing some light-hearted activities together with your wife so you can just practise having fun together again and find your way back to being a couple. You do need something like this to find yourselves again I think, separately from your identity as parents.

My god, people are so needlessly vile to men who post looking for genuine advice on this site. If it was a woman posting about her husband's lack of interest in sex, she'd get a completely different response.

OP, first of all, your wife sounds very, very anxious if she won't go out unless there is a potential backup childcare in case something goes wrong with the actual childcare. Has she seen a doctor about her anxiety? Because it sounds way beyond normal worrying.

Secondly, what reasons has your wife given in the past for not wanting sex? Does she literally just not have any sex drive at all, or is there some anxiety or barrier that's stopping her from doing it? For example, does she fear getting pregnant again?

Thirdly, is she using hormonal birth control of some kind? In particular, is she on a progestogen-only method like a hormonal IUD, implant or progestogen-only pill? I only ask that question because when I was using a specific type of birth control, my sex drive absolutely withered and died completely (I mean, you can't say it wasn't an effective birth control method, I suppose) and it was only when I stopped taking it that my sex drive returned.

It seems like you have a few choices.
Insist that your wife goes to therapy to work out her child centred anxiety, as the children will end up being cloistered and stifled due to her anxiety.
If she does not see any issues with how she acts, seek a seperation and build yourself a sanctuary where your children can be themselves and not used as an excuse to not have a life outside of them.
And where you model the nuanced
demarcation that life embracing parents put between "children centred" and "adult centred" worlds.

You can stay in this dolly house of a marriage, as is, she being allowed to go more mental, unhindered (sorry not to be politically correct) and you playing the nice guy, but repressed, until shit goes way left, which you cannot guarantee it won't.

I would have left a long time ago. There aint nothing great enough about being in a non platonic relationship with a man that I could tolerate date nights twice a year in the "honeymoon phase" and none "because of Covid". Even lack of money, as I do not see the point of my taking up with a man to live the spartan life. I can do that alone.
As for the lack of sex? I'm picky when I haven't got a partner and have had to discipline myself, but I am not doing without now I am partnered up.....at least not with the expectation that taking it off the table is something that I would have to put up with without a murmur or reason that is not to be explored.

Has she had some kind of trauma in the past OP? Some kind of loss either recently or in childhood? Lost someone close to her?

It sounds like you are subconsciously enabling an extremely anxious wife. You can't change her directly but you can stop enabling.

Get more matter of fact, that means a bit tougher about things.

When she understands you mean business and she ultimately has to choose her anxiety or the relationship with you, you will have more information to work with.

A refusal to see a couples counsellor in your situation would be a legitimate delay breaker.

Deal* breaker

OP you need to bite the bullet and bring up the lack of intimacy with your wife. Couples counselling would be best, but I see that she wont agree to that. Your only option then is deciding whether you can live in a platonic non-physical relationship. If not, you need to separate as amicably as possible. It’s an awful decision, I know. But I can’t see any way around it.

'OP it doesn't sound like you're putting in any effort into your relationship. You are spending a lot of time trying to get sex'

He actually explains how he is indeed putting effort into the relationship and goes on to say he is respectful of her wishes so hardly 'spending a lot of time trying to get sex'.

Op, 39 is too young to be in a sexless relationship. Intimacy is an important part of a relationship or as you say you may as well just be friends.

You need to ask her what the issue is. Doesn't she enjoy it? What can you both do to make it better. If she won't discuss of or try to address it then your options are limited. Accept it or leave which is sad when there are kids involved.

I think you have been very fair and supportive- you are clearly doing your share around the house and have tried to understand your wife's position.

However what about you - has she tried to understand your view? Has she suggested anything to improve her anxiety? What has she actually done to get help/ support?

I think you need to understand what your line in the sand is - can you survive a sexless marriage? are you okay with just cuddles for the next 30 years?

You then need to brave the awkwardness and have a conversation-
— your wife needs help and support - has she been to the GP? has she self referred to IAPT? what books or self help has she tried?—you need to be honest about how you feel and what your needs are too - she does not get to call the shots here, you are a team!!

I find myself telling myself more and more often that surely most couples aren’t having sex all the time, it must just be on TV and maybe we are normal. No I don’t just want to odd cuddle for the next 30 years but I’m finding I can’t leave either

Unfortunately it sounds like leaving might be the best way forward. I'm a woman in my late 40s and there's no way I could live without regular sex, and if my partner didn't want to even discuss it, let alone take steps to make things better between us, I'd be out of there.

She is probably dreading you ever bringing it up. She doesn’t want to have that chat and I doubt she wants to change.
It’s not right when one half of the couple takes it completely off the table and expects the other to just accept it.
Longterm I think your options will be to accept it, open the relationship or leave.

I agree with another comment, I also see a lot of anxiety in your wife. This is the fundamental reason why there are problems within your marriage. You can't resolve your wife's anxiety, you can try and understand it, offer help, but you can't personally 'fix' this. Your wife has to recognise that her anxiety is not normal, and seek help from her GP. Medication may help but ultimately she needs proper professional help from a therapist. She may be an introvert and not like discussing personal issues with a stranger, but she needs to do something to help the situation that's she's currently in! Burying her head in the sand, not wanting therapy and only engaging with you on a superficial level, isn't an option, if she wants a fully functioning relationship. Have you sat down and discussed her anxiety? Asked her to seek help? Anxiety causes so many different issues - one of which is the lack of a sex drive, and this is probably why there's no intimacy. Try and arrange small things for her - a nice lunch out, just the two of you, when the children are at school. If your wife won't engage with anyone to help her anxiety, you really have two choices - accept this is how it will be or divorce.

I agree that you wife sounds extremely anxious. I think you need to sit her down with a glass of wine after the kids are in bed, and tell her you're worried about her and you feel it's impacting your marriage. Don't even mention sex, it'll make it easier for her to dismiss it rather than face the issue. Tell her you are there for her, you will support her, but she needs to do something, therapy, GP, whatever she wants to try, but that if she does nothing, you are worried it will destroy your relationship.

So to answer your points yes she is on hormonal birth control to primarily regulate her periods and limit pain from them. Previous to kids I could track her cycles with it and tell what times were best.

When we had a more open dialogue about sex I used to think of it as “what this time” so if it came up or we got close it would stop or be a no go because of various worries, Covid, work stress, kids having trouble at school etc. Normal and valid worries but she would struggle to relax and switch off from them. I have learned to manage her feelings better and try and help her where I can to combat these worries but she really can’t switch off sometimes.

She has mentioned talking to people about her anxiety but it has never got far. I think she is coping and I really don’t think she sees her life as having any major issues. She sees herself as a worrier. Having a blunt conversation about the state of our relationship would probably blindside her. I don’t think she has any clue how big the disconnect is and probably thinks we are on the same page with regards to sex drive and how happy we both are. I have probably let this get too big and I have probably been enabling by letting it get like this or not dealing with it properly in the past.

Do you think she does find you attractive? Desire you? You seem a bit shocked by that suggestion but it must have crossed your mind?

Thanks please see what I have said below.
Also I know I am not blameless in this and have enabled her over the years. I would love to help her get above it and be the person she really could be. That said because of my own upbringing and because I would feel so ashamed to divorce due to lack of sex I really don’t think I can leave. That said if she left me or went outside the marriage I would probably accept it and take the way out.
I am looking for a miracle where she understands how I feel and makes an effort to finally deal with this.

I think I mentioned the fact I’m a “late bloomer” probably due to my own confidence issues but I had very little in the way of attention from women before her. It really felt like the stars aligned when we met. That said yes I have felt that maybe it’s me but I do make an effort in terms of hair and facial hair styles, clothes and my level of fitness and physique. I have never let things slide and am probably fitter and thinner than in our wedding day. She might have gone off me that way but I dot think that’s down to me. He one celebrity crush I know about isn’t too far removed from me either.

OP has your wife’s sex drive change or has she never been much interested in sex?

I don’t mean was she more interested in having sex (probably because she knew it was needed for the relationship to go anywhere) but was she, herself genuinely interested in sex.

A friend of mine had an almost identical sounding issue to you…but when he dwelled on it deeply he realised she was never really that interested in it.

Thanks, I am still very in the accept camp. I have no desire to go outside the marriage even if she supported that and I can’t contemplate divorce at all.
You are right in that she dreads the conversation and I would know how it would go now. It’s just painful and awkward for both of us at this point.

Bite the bullet and make clear you need more from her than she is giving. That way she can decide by herself/ with you, what the next steps are. I couldn't live as you are. I'm hitting 50 on hormonal birth control and have a sex drive . Surprised you haven't thought of looking elsewhere.