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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling behaviour or fair comments?

57 replies

Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:20

Looking for some unbiased perspective: myself (37f) and husband (38m) are in the most horrific cycle or arguments and toxic behaviour.
mover the last year I have been on a fitness journey, joined a gym, got a PT, made some new friends within that community. I’ve lost over 10kg. Was never a massive girl but I look really well and for the first time in my 37 years I feel I look really well and I’m confident in myself.

this seems to have cause further upset and issues within our marriage. My husband has raised issues with how I dress now (yes I wear more form fitting clothes because I am happy with my body), he is not on any socials yet ‘questioned’ me about my Instagram which he had gone into and screenshot pictures I had posted saying I was sharing ‘sexy photos’ for attention. For ref: selfies in gym gear - leggings and top! A photo from Christmas with a strappy red top he asked was I even wearing a bra under it… not sure what that had to do with it.

this has been brought up before that he doesn’t like certain gym leggings as they show off my glutes (which I’ve worked really hard for). I also had an issue with a tattoo I got in the last year stating that I didn’t discuss it with him first.

he has also previously asked me if I was messaging other men on instagram.

I feel as though I’m being watched and judged all of the time. Am I being overly sensitive??

OP posts:
canthavethatonethen · 14/04/2025 16:24

He doesn't trust you, does he? Seems like he thinks your new more attractive image is designed and calculated to attract other blokes.

HazelTraybake · 14/04/2025 16:28

Alot of people get comfortable and when things change it can trigger different responses, you've worked hard on yourself and so you should be proud of what you have achieved and wear what you want and feel comfortable in, he has no say in that however he may be struggling with your new found confidence and instead of supporting you and congratulating you on your achievements he is trying to knock you back down.
Maybe sit down and talk to him properly about what the main issue is here, just because you've made yourself more healthy does not mean you no longer love him or want to be with anyone else. He must be having some issues with his own confidence to be taking it out on you.

Original poster
Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:31

This was exactly my feeling. And I asked him out straight but once again he claims I’m turning it around on him. He seems to think he has every right to ‘question’ (his words) me about what I wear and what I post etc.
I asked did he not realize that ‘questioning’ your wife is an issue but he claims questioning and asking a question is the same thing…

I strongly disagree.

OP posts:
Eeljel · 14/04/2025 16:31

Any children caught up in this horror show?

Eeljel · 14/04/2025 16:33

Op you started a thread last month asking if he was controlling

You were told YES!

You said that he is generally abusive and has been for some time

Starting a new thread about same recognised controlling behaviour isn’t going to do anything to improve your life op

Original poster
Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:34

HazelTraybake · 14/04/2025 16:28

Alot of people get comfortable and when things change it can trigger different responses, you've worked hard on yourself and so you should be proud of what you have achieved and wear what you want and feel comfortable in, he has no say in that however he may be struggling with your new found confidence and instead of supporting you and congratulating you on your achievements he is trying to knock you back down.
Maybe sit down and talk to him properly about what the main issue is here, just because you've made yourself more healthy does not mean you no longer love him or want to be with anyone else. He must be having some issues with his own confidence to be taking it out on you.

Unfortunately we don’t seem to be able to have a reasonable conversation. I’m always wrong and we can only discuss the issues he has with me, not how I feel or how any of his behaviour makes me feel. He shouts and roars and talks over me to the point of me shutting down… me shutting down is a major trigger for him. When I try to explain shouting and screaming at me causes me to shut down I’m dismissed.

I want someone who can support me and be proud of me. Not be threatened by me or jealous.

OP posts:
Eeljel · 14/04/2025 16:36

Op do you have children?

Sunrise8888 · 14/04/2025 16:37

Maybe he needs some attention, affection from you. Maybe he just feels like you’re showing off for other guys and not him. He feels insecure. That’s all. You won’t be able to justify it. However it’s up to you how you deal with it. Do you want your stay married or maybe you like someone else?

Original poster
Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:38

Eeljel · 14/04/2025 16:33

Op you started a thread last month asking if he was controlling

You were told YES!

You said that he is generally abusive and has been for some time

Starting a new thread about same recognised controlling behaviour isn’t going to do anything to improve your life op

Thank you for your response.

I truly value people supporting me and each other. It is extremely difficult to accept and admit that your husband who you have spent most of your life with is treating you this way. I know asking the same question will not change the answer but reassurance can go along way in taking action to remove yourself from these situations.

I appreciate your response.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:39

Eeljel · 14/04/2025 16:36

Op do you have children?

We don’t have children which I suppose is a bonus in this situation.

OP posts:
Reidwood · 14/04/2025 16:40

DH looking to destroy your self esteem and new found confidence. You are in a better place health wise and socially, why does he feel threatened? You both need to chat openly and reassure him you feel much better in how you are now, he needs to accept your new found confidence and health drive…..I think he was taking you for granted, moulding you into what he wants…he is the one with issues , you stick to your guns and carry on looking and feeling well , there is a glow that others are noticing about you, take it onboard ✊🏿

Original poster
Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:40

Sunrise8888 · 14/04/2025 16:37

Maybe he needs some attention, affection from you. Maybe he just feels like you’re showing off for other guys and not him. He feels insecure. That’s all. You won’t be able to justify it. However it’s up to you how you deal with it. Do you want your stay married or maybe you like someone else?

Thanks for your reply.

Theres no one else, I’m not interested in anyone else. I want him, but he seems to want conflict and turmoil and to control me.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 14/04/2025 16:42

Have you said "I've finally found exercise that I enjoy and am keeping up, I am not going to stop no matter how much shouting and screaming you do, so where does that leave us?"

Eeljel · 14/04/2025 16:45

Op you’re getting identical advice
you said in the last one you recognised he is very abusive

so instead of asking if his behaviour is controlling, accept that his is an abusive controlling man and you need to plan to leave

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 14/04/2025 16:45

He doesn't trust you.

You're enjoying your newly found attention.

These things together could probably be resolved in a normal, loving relationship but reading what a PP has said about him being abusive, surely you can see it's not going to get any better?

Original poster
Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:50

Eeljel · 14/04/2025 16:45

Op you’re getting identical advice
you said in the last one you recognised he is very abusive

so instead of asking if his behaviour is controlling, accept that his is an abusive controlling man and you need to plan to leave

I know you’re right. It’s scary and it’s hard because I love him but I know I can’t stay.
Im made to believe I’m crazy and making stuff up and being completed unreasonable in my relationship so I suppose I’m looking for reassurance I’m doing the right thing.

thanks you for your support

OP posts:
Eeljel · 14/04/2025 16:52

Do you work op?
family? Friends?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2025 16:52

You may well love him but his actions towards you are control and that stems from abuse. He wants absolute power and control over you and indeed you cannot stay with him. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

ReesesCupcake · 14/04/2025 16:57

If you are posting to inspire others, or share with friends your weight loss journey, that’s great. Perhaps he thinks you are trying to get attention from other men? Are you? And if so, maybe it is because you are unhappy in this relationship? I am not judging you for this if that’s the case.

I haven’t seen your other posts, but there is mention he has shown other abusive behavious - it sounds to me like you would be best reevaluating this relationship.

Neither of you sound happy in it, and you have found your spark again it would seem through this weight loss and he isn’t happy about it. Why are you still with him?

Original poster
Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:58

Eeljel · 14/04/2025 16:52

Do you work op?
family? Friends?

Yes I work full time, have a good circle of friends. I have become isolated from my family recently as I find that dynamic a little overwhelming at times so I think they know something is going on but I haven’t told anyone what’s going on.

OP posts:
Eeljel · 14/04/2025 17:00

Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:58

Yes I work full time, have a good circle of friends. I have become isolated from my family recently as I find that dynamic a little overwhelming at times so I think they know something is going on but I haven’t told anyone what’s going on.

Show quote history

So you are independent financially
Op, your thread shouldn’t be asking whether he’s controlling

Yes.

Next step…. You plan to leave. No children. Financially independent. Good friends. You can do this

Original poster
Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 17:01

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2025 16:52

You may well love him but his actions towards you are control and that stems from abuse. He wants absolute power and control over you and indeed you cannot stay with him. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

I started reading that today! It’s a very good read and is helping me understand that I am right and I’m not crazy or irrational. This behaviour is unacceptable

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2025 17:01

Abuse thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open now. You have indeed taken a small but significant step in writing about this on here. Have you got both a reliable and discrete friend and or family member you can talk to?. Alternatively reach out to Women's Aid as they can and will help too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2025 17:05

It is indeed unacceptable and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your man is abusive and he is not going to change. This is who he really is and he thinks he is doing nothing wrong here when it comes to you. Therefore your relationship to him is over anyway now bar the legal formalities of ending it.

If counselling is to be at all considered do this on your own and never with him. Abuse is not a relationship issue and joint counselling is never advised if there is abuse within the relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2025 17:06

It's not you, it's him. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

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