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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling behaviour or fair comments?

57 replies

Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 16:20

Looking for some unbiased perspective: myself (37f) and husband (38m) are in the most horrific cycle or arguments and toxic behaviour.
mover the last year I have been on a fitness journey, joined a gym, got a PT, made some new friends within that community. I’ve lost over 10kg. Was never a massive girl but I look really well and for the first time in my 37 years I feel I look really well and I’m confident in myself.

this seems to have cause further upset and issues within our marriage. My husband has raised issues with how I dress now (yes I wear more form fitting clothes because I am happy with my body), he is not on any socials yet ‘questioned’ me about my Instagram which he had gone into and screenshot pictures I had posted saying I was sharing ‘sexy photos’ for attention. For ref: selfies in gym gear - leggings and top! A photo from Christmas with a strappy red top he asked was I even wearing a bra under it… not sure what that had to do with it.

this has been brought up before that he doesn’t like certain gym leggings as they show off my glutes (which I’ve worked really hard for). I also had an issue with a tattoo I got in the last year stating that I didn’t discuss it with him first.

he has also previously asked me if I was messaging other men on instagram.

I feel as though I’m being watched and judged all of the time. Am I being overly sensitive??

OP posts:
Eeljel · 14/04/2025 19:29

AmusedGoose · 14/04/2025 19:21

If it was DH losing weight and going to the gym mumsnet would say he was cheating! More double standards here!

Life must be hard for you

ploughing in with your size 10s having not bothered to read any of a short thread

Sodthesystem · 14/04/2025 19:42

AmusedGoose · 14/04/2025 19:21

If it was DH losing weight and going to the gym mumsnet would say he was cheating! More double standards here!

Don't be ridiculous.
Not unless there was something odd going on too (like suddenly constantly texting someone and a new passcode on his phone) and he had form for cheating.

Joining a gym is not suspicious on its own for any gender.

BoldRobin · 14/04/2025 19:55

Sodthesystem · 14/04/2025 17:30

It's not insecurity, it's control.

Read her updates, it makes it more apparent.

It's never an acceptable reason to abuse anyone due to feeling insecure anyway. Why are you asking her to stay and pander to his insecurities? If he can't handle his partner wearing leggings out and about, he should never have got married. He needs a therapist. Op is not his therapist.

Show quote history

Keep your hair on. I'm not telling her to do anything. She came here asking, and I'm trying to help. I don't know him, I don't know her. I never condoned it either, just trying to understand. Calm down. Why are people so quick to get weird and defensive on here?

Original poster
Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 20:33

Thank you all for your support and advice! We don’t have kids by choice so it’s one less concern in this situation. We jointly own our house but I earn much less than him so no possibility to buy him out. Where we are based I probably couldn’t even afford to rent so would most likely have to move back to my parents house which would not be an issue for them in the slightest! My dog would have to come with me, I will not be parted from him.
im going to arrange to meet up with a friend I know also got out of an abusive tap tip shop and hopefully I can lean on her for support.

OP posts:
Eggsboxedandmelting · 14/04/2025 20:50

Men like him make terrible df's... I chose not to have dc with him. He was a rubbish df to his dc... I did go on to remarry and have a dc though..

Sodthesystem · 14/04/2025 22:36

Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 20:33

Thank you all for your support and advice! We don’t have kids by choice so it’s one less concern in this situation. We jointly own our house but I earn much less than him so no possibility to buy him out. Where we are based I probably couldn’t even afford to rent so would most likely have to move back to my parents house which would not be an issue for them in the slightest! My dog would have to come with me, I will not be parted from him.
im going to arrange to meet up with a friend I know also got out of an abusive tap tip shop and hopefully I can lean on her for support.

Whats a tap tip shop? Or was that meant to be relationship?

I'm sure many of us have found ourselves back with the family for a period of time in adulthood, it's not a big deal. I always thought it would be awful if I had to but then I did and I actually found it hard to leave because life was so easy there.

Once you put the divorce through the house would presumably be sold so he can give you your share (if he can't without selling) anyway.

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2025 13:56

Shelbyofife · 14/04/2025 17:33

For the past year or 18 mths it’s not been great! We always argued but it’s gotten much worse! I’m always just waiting for the next blow up or walking on eggshells. His mood changes on a whim and I’m always anxious to see what mood is awaiting me and then I have to try to manage his moods thereafter. It’s completely draining.

Show quote history

This marriage is a shit show. Time to get shot and live your life.

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