Controlling behaviour or fair comments?

[Shelbyofife]

Looking for some unbiased perspective: myself (37f) and husband (38m) are in the most horrific cycle or arguments and toxic behaviour.
mover the last year I have been on a fitness journey, joined a gym, got a PT, made some new friends within that community. I’ve lost over 10kg. Was never a massive girl but I look really well and for the first time in my 37 years I feel I look really well and I’m confident in myself.

this seems to have cause further upset and issues within our marriage. My husband has raised issues with how I dress now (yes I wear more form fitting clothes because I am happy with my body), he is not on any socials yet ‘questioned’ me about my Instagram which he had gone into and screenshot pictures I had posted saying I was sharing ‘sexy photos’ for attention. For ref: selfies in gym gear - leggings and top! A photo from Christmas with a strappy red top he asked was I even wearing a bra under it… not sure what that had to do with it.

this has been brought up before that he doesn’t like certain gym leggings as they show off my glutes (which I’ve worked really hard for). I also had an issue with a tattoo I got in the last year stating that I didn’t discuss it with him first.

he has also previously asked me if I was messaging other men on instagram.

I feel as though I’m being watched and judged all of the time. Am I being overly sensitive??

He is jealous and controlling. He sees you as his property and that he can talk to you how he likes, intimidate you by screaming, not value your opinion and he doesn’t care about your feelings. He doesn’t respect you as a human being in your own right. You’re his property. Of course he doesn’t like it when you try to assert yourself or better yourself. He wants complete control over you. If I was you, I would leave him because this won’t get better. And please don’t bring any children into this.

Yes its controlling, but probably not intentionally. It just is. He likely isn't setting out with an agenda to control, but he sounds insecure and like he feels threatened to me. How is the relationship? Do you validate him enough? Does he validate you enough? How do you let him know he's the one for you etc? Have things stagnated? What reason might he have for being insecure? He feels threatened by other men. Why?

My feeling is that he's the sort to cheat and so, he assumes everyone else is.

The other route could be, he doesn't want you happy and confident. But that would display in other wars too. Sabotaging anything you study for/your promotions etc... ruining holidays and special occasions....

Either or, it sounds like the only excess weight you still need to lose is him.

Ah yeah...no..he shouts at you to get you to react so he can make you the bad guy.

It's deliberate.

He's trying to break your spirit because that's what abusive men do.

Honey you have no kids, get out now! (I mean the advice would be the same but there's no tie to him so leaving is easy as long as you set your mind to it, you need never see him again. Let the solicitors handle everything). Ruuuuun!

It's not insecurity, it's control.

Read her updates, it makes it more apparent.

It's never an acceptable reason to abuse anyone due to feeling insecure anyway. Why are you asking her to stay and pander to his insecurities? If he can't handle his partner wearing leggings out and about, he should never have got married. He needs a therapist. Op is not his therapist.

For the past year or 18 mths it’s not been great! We always argued but it’s gotten much worse! I’m always just waiting for the next blow up or walking on eggshells. His mood changes on a whim and I’m always anxious to see what mood is awaiting me and then I have to try to manage his moods thereafter. It’s completely draining.

You can't change him or fix him. He is a bullying cunt..

Get the hell out of there...

Sabotaging has been happening for years. Every holiday or trip there is an argument, every Christmas, every big event. He sabotages each one

It is becoming a recurring issue. I doubt myself and second guess every I do and everything I wear. What will he think of this? It’s no way to live.
I want more than anything for us to be happy together but that’s just not ever going to happen

Ok so…. Next step?

Op you posted this almost identically 6 weeks ago. Now is the time to start strategising

Speak to your friends. Tell them what’s going on. See a lawyer and find out about your next steps. Who owns the house? Could you buy him out? Could he buy you out? Does it have to go up for sale? Could you afford to rent while the house sells? Do you have separate finances? If not, get a separate bank account and get your wages paid into it. If you have a joint account, take half and put it in your secure account. Start looking for where you will live. Don’t tell him anything. Controlling and abusive men tend to get worse when they think you’ll leave them. It’s the most dangerous time for a woman leaving an abusive relationship. So, keep it quiet. Don’t tell him it’s over until you are out and safe. Then report any abuse to the police. You don’t have kids so once the legal stuff is sorted you never have to see him again. Don’t waste your life on this man. He will wear you down to a shadow of yourself. He will exert more and more control over you over time. He will gaslight you and make you unsure of yourself, have you walking on eggshells and terrified of displeasing him. It’s not a life. Get out now.

Speak to women’s aid to get support and advice to make an exit plan.

I know what you mean about the difference between asking questions and questioning. It’s the difference between curiosity and assumed authority, isn’t it? Tell him he can ask questions if he really doesn’t understand something but he has absolutely no say your appearance or who you talk to.

I think most people would discuss getting a tattoo with their partner because they would be excited about it, just a happy thing to chat about. You not mentioning it to him is quite telling. Are you in the same page about anything that makes you both happy?

In isolation a partner suddenly taking more interest in their fitness levels and appearance could indicate that they have had their head turned. But I think there's lots more going on here and the bigger picture seems to be that he is controlling

You have been told before. Its not something you can fix, its not something he will fix, because he doesn't see he is wrong.
Honestly. I could rattle on about how insecure he is, & how I know because I had this exact scenario, ostracizing me from family & friends, questioning what I wear, ruining holidays & weddings,
You CAN NOT fix people like this.
When you say up thread "Its no way to live". It's not.
You need to get your ducks in a row, & as much as you may "love him" (well its more the mirage of what you loved all those years ago)
He will become your worst enemy, he will be as cruel & difficult as man can possibly be. So make sure you have changed your passwords, cloud access & removed all important docs & precious possessions including photos, take what share of money is yours, before you tell him that he has destroyed your marriage by control, jealousy & making every event a problem, & you are finished. He will go on & accuse you of all sins, He will actually believe this to be true.
Turn on your heels, & say, "if you say so".
Please don't wait anymore,

Ok you are dealing with a narcissist or similar. It's pathological. Like psychopathy. It's from the same family of personality disorders.

They do not change. This is who they are. If he was the nice guy in the beginning it was just to trick and trap you.

Stop wasting your life trying to make a tiger not a tiger.

You're his lunch. Run.

Sorry I should have been clearer. I did discuss it with him. Told him I was thinking of getting another. Later date, discussing what I wanted to get. Then when I was set I made my app told him excitedly about it! That turned into an attack that I had never discussed it with him.
told him it felt like i should have asked for permission the way he was going on. Got no where as usual!

Me exh ruined every occasion that wasn't about him. Even my 40th.. I divorced him before I was 41
. He also sulked until I cancelled any plans I had. Or the silent treatment for days after if I did go out.

So he is highly abusive, controlling, ruins any occasion.
What are youbwaiting for?
A slap?
Because it sounds like only a matter of time.
You are absolutely blessed that their are not children in this toxic relationship.

Start getting organised.
Kindly meant but, stop waiting for him to hurt you.
Its only a matter of time.

I treated myself to a new top the other week. I did wonder if my DP would like it, this was because it had his favourite shade of blue in it - not because I worried it may spark a row!

OP this isn't way to live, please keep reading your book.

So sorry @Shelbyofife
Your growing confidence is going to make it harder for him to exert his control, and he is reacting to this realisation.
Please continue to do what makes you feel good.
I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do.

You need to make plans to split up. You don't have children so that makes it easier. Do you jointly own your home?

He's gaslighting you by pretending that the discussions about your tattoo never happened. That's scary behaviour. Have you friends or family you could go to if you left him?

If it was DH losing weight and going to the gym mumsnet would say he was cheating! More double standards here!

Your husband is a prick.