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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do we get to the bottom of this?

70 replies

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:08

DB had an affair, slept with OW twice. OW became pregnant. DB went to one scan which was around 8 weeks hasn't been to any other since (hasn't been asked).

OW has said she was planning on an abortion at 20 odd weeks. According to OW DC (who told friends) that had happened.

OW is very unhinged and has acted crazy a few times over the last few weeks but has now told DB that she is infact still pregnant.

DB isn't opening up much and believes everything he is being told but obv on the sidelines the OWs DC is openly admitting OW is extremely upset at "having to bury her baby"

Is there anything we can do to find out once and for all what is actually happening? Baby would be due end of summer and I'm worried DBs mental health is going to be affected as he's being brainwashed essentially.

It's so hard because speaking to OW causes a lot of bother for DB as she becomes "crazy" so feel stuck on how to help in this situation.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
roseymoira · 14/04/2025 13:23

If this woman is as crazy as your making out, your DB is taking advantage of a vulnerable unwell person

TipsyJoker · 14/04/2025 13:23

First thing you can do is stop calling her, “crazy”. Do you know OW? Have you spent any time getting to know her or have you just accepted what your DB has told you about her? This is the kind of thing that abusive men say about women. They always call them crazy. You will find out for definite if there’s a baby when the baby’s is born or if there ends up being no baby pretty soon after her due date. My advice would be to support your DB and otherwise keep your nose out and your opinions to yourself. Don’t spread this crazy OW gossip. If the women is pregnant she will be the mother of your niece or nephew and if you ever want to see them, you’d better act right. Also, if this woman does indeed have mental health issues and is pregnant, shouldn’t you be supportive of her instead of calling her crazy?

SoScarletItWas · 14/04/2025 13:26

Agree with PP that this is a horrible way to speak about anyone.

On a practical level, get a DNA test once any baby is born and make sure DB pays his dues.

Hopefully he’s more careful with contraception in future.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:37

@roseymoira it's quite a long one so I've shortened it down without adding in everything else as to the reason why I've said she's acting "crazy" but it goes in the form of assaulting my brother, smashing up his car, chasing him around in her car at full speed. So no he's not taking advantage he had stepped away from the situation but she keeps coming at him from all directions.

@TipsyJoker he's 100% not abusive. Was with SIL for 16 years he's never once lifted his hands to a woman and never would he's seen what our mother has went through, he's a proper mummy's boy at his grand old age of 39. He also hasn't referred to her as crazy not once in this whole situation he's wanting to keep the peace because if their is a baby he is willing to step up and doesn't want to risk not being allowed.

@SoScarletItWas Believe me he will be the most supportive parent he can be but over the last few weeks he's been told he's allowed contact then told he needs to go through court then told he's having no contact at all so sorry if I'm more worried about DBs mental health than someone who if playing with his emotions before a child has even made an appearance.

OP posts:
roseymoira · 14/04/2025 13:41

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:37

@roseymoira it's quite a long one so I've shortened it down without adding in everything else as to the reason why I've said she's acting "crazy" but it goes in the form of assaulting my brother, smashing up his car, chasing him around in her car at full speed. So no he's not taking advantage he had stepped away from the situation but she keeps coming at him from all directions.

@TipsyJoker he's 100% not abusive. Was with SIL for 16 years he's never once lifted his hands to a woman and never would he's seen what our mother has went through, he's a proper mummy's boy at his grand old age of 39. He also hasn't referred to her as crazy not once in this whole situation he's wanting to keep the peace because if their is a baby he is willing to step up and doesn't want to risk not being allowed.

@SoScarletItWas Believe me he will be the most supportive parent he can be but over the last few weeks he's been told he's allowed contact then told he needs to go through court then told he's having no contact at all so sorry if I'm more worried about DBs mental health than someone who if playing with his emotions before a child has even made an appearance.

Is DB the married one? If so I don’t blame her, would be interested to hear what pack of lies he told her

Dweetfidilove · 14/04/2025 13:47

Why is your married brother in the streets impregnating crazy women, behind his wife's back?

How did he explain his damaged car?

Has he told his wife she's likely becoming a stepmother?

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:47

@roseymoira DB and SIL were having troubles things hadn't been great for a while and this is exactly what he told OW, OW actually contacted SIL, SIL confirmed what DB had said was the truth although SIL thought they would get through it.

OP posts:
Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 13:50

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:08

DB had an affair, slept with OW twice. OW became pregnant. DB went to one scan which was around 8 weeks hasn't been to any other since (hasn't been asked).

OW has said she was planning on an abortion at 20 odd weeks. According to OW DC (who told friends) that had happened.

OW is very unhinged and has acted crazy a few times over the last few weeks but has now told DB that she is infact still pregnant.

DB isn't opening up much and believes everything he is being told but obv on the sidelines the OWs DC is openly admitting OW is extremely upset at "having to bury her baby"

Is there anything we can do to find out once and for all what is actually happening? Baby would be due end of summer and I'm worried DBs mental health is going to be affected as he's being brainwashed essentially.

It's so hard because speaking to OW causes a lot of bother for DB as she becomes "crazy" so feel stuck on how to help in this situation.

Thanks in advance

Get him to write her a message saying:

’ I have heard from reliable sources that you are no longer pregnant with my child, is that true?’

If she does in fact have the baby get a DNA test, she could have been sleeping with a lot of people given what you have said about her behaviour

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:50

@Dweetfidilove DB and SIL were having problems, SIL thought it would get better but DB played away.

SIL is aware of everything going on so DB didn't have to lie about the car OW actually told SIL it was her while she laughed about it

OP posts:
loropianalover · 14/04/2025 13:53

I'm worried DBs mental health is going to be affected as he's being brainwashed essentially

he's a proper mummy's boy at his grand old age of 39

He’s a grown adult who willingly cheated 🤔

I would tell DB to engage a solicitor for advice and speak to his GP about his mental health/therapy… and then I’d leave him to it and focus on supporting my SIL.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:53

@Hastentoadd he has asked her outright and she is adamant she is still with child.

Well if allowed a DNA will be inevitable if OW is pregnant as in the midst of it all going on she is still with her BF.

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 14/04/2025 13:53

Christ. What a mess these men make because they can't keep their dicks in their pants.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:56

@loropianalover 100% and he knows how we all feel about what he has done, he has said himself he thought the grass was greener and has realised that is not the case.

SIL knows she has the support she has actually been coping surprisingly well given the circumstances.

OP posts:
Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 14:07

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 14/04/2025 13:53

Christ. What a mess these men make because they can't keep their dicks in their pants.

And what about the women, she is still with her BF

Naunet · 14/04/2025 14:09

Your brother had an affair behind his wife's back, had unprotected sex with her, and now you want to pretend hes a victim? This is the consequence of his own irresponsible behaviour, he doesn't need you to save him, he needs to start acting like an adult.

Naunet · 14/04/2025 14:10

Double post

speakball · 14/04/2025 14:13

Your ‘mummy’s boy’ db gets his poor choices wiped up for him. Your narrative of ‘she’s insane and my db is just an ickle boy’ speaks volumes about the gender roles in your family.

TipsyJoker · 14/04/2025 14:14

I’m not buying this in any way, shape or form. You say he’s not abusive but having an affair is abusive. It destroys families and the women who’ve been cheated on. If he actually wants to see this child, he goes to a solicitor, they petition the court for a paternity test once the baby is born and then apply to the court for contact thereafter. It’s not rocket science. Stop protecting him. He’s a cheater and he’s blaming everything on the women around him. And btw, mummy’s boys are often abusers. Just because he didn’t lift his hands doesn’t mean he’s not emotionally, financially or sexually abusive. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Also, boys who witness violence against women often go on to become abusive to women. Seems to me he’s got all these women wrapped round his little finger from his mum to you to his wife and now this ow who he chose to have an affair with. I smell a rat.

ReesesCupcake · 14/04/2025 14:14

Funny how it’s her that’s crazy, when he is the one who cheated and got her pregnant.

Your DB sounds a real charmer, and I would be curious to know what lies and manipulation he put her through. Ie the usual I’ll leave my wife for you/I love you etc.

If she is pregnant, she is probably hormonal and feeling quite vulnerable to boot.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 14/04/2025 14:21

If the idiot is going to have an affair, why did he pick a woman who has a boyfriend and is 'crazy'??

More importantly, why are you getting yourself involved in the middle of all of this? & why are you having contact with the woman's children?

hotpotlover · 14/04/2025 14:35

I think we really have to start holding men accountable for their actions.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:40

@Naunet not saying he's a victim, he knows he's done wrong but the whole point in this post was to ask if there is a way he can find out if there is a baby or not without having to take OWs word for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:42

@speakball not entirely sure what your getting at here? His poor choices are not being wiped up for him at all

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 14/04/2025 14:42

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:40

@Naunet not saying he's a victim, he knows he's done wrong but the whole point in this post was to ask if there is a way he can find out if there is a baby or not without having to take OWs word for it.

I wouldn't imagine so.

This is the result of him fucking a woman he didn't know very well without condoms at least twice.

So they'll just have to wait and see.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:45

@TipsyJoker wow haha! Believe me I know him very well, so does SIL who although he has cheated on her still has nothing nice to say about him. He's not a statistic.

OP posts: