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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do we get to the bottom of this?

70 replies

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:08

DB had an affair, slept with OW twice. OW became pregnant. DB went to one scan which was around 8 weeks hasn't been to any other since (hasn't been asked).

OW has said she was planning on an abortion at 20 odd weeks. According to OW DC (who told friends) that had happened.

OW is very unhinged and has acted crazy a few times over the last few weeks but has now told DB that she is infact still pregnant.

DB isn't opening up much and believes everything he is being told but obv on the sidelines the OWs DC is openly admitting OW is extremely upset at "having to bury her baby"

Is there anything we can do to find out once and for all what is actually happening? Baby would be due end of summer and I'm worried DBs mental health is going to be affected as he's being brainwashed essentially.

It's so hard because speaking to OW causes a lot of bother for DB as she becomes "crazy" so feel stuck on how to help in this situation.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
TheShiningCarpet · 14/04/2025 14:47

why don't you just step back and let him grow up and deal with his actions - maybe don't mummy him as well ?

Naunet · 14/04/2025 14:47

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:40

@Naunet not saying he's a victim, he knows he's done wrong but the whole point in this post was to ask if there is a way he can find out if there is a baby or not without having to take OWs word for it.

Well presumably he will know in 9 months - how does he know her, is she local?

My advice to you is stay out of it. Your brother is a big boy, he can deal with the fallout from his actions himself.

Dweetfidilove · 14/04/2025 14:50

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:50

@Dweetfidilove DB and SIL were having problems, SIL thought it would get better but DB played away.

SIL is aware of everything going on so DB didn't have to lie about the car OW actually told SIL it was her while she laughed about it

What a mess.

Stop trying to help him, so he can grow.

For now he can only wait for the baby to be born, get a DNA and proceed sensibly based on the outcome.

StrawberryDream24 · 14/04/2025 14:51

Yep, let him and his wife - who's decided to stay with his silly, cheating, poor judgement, selfish, hasn't heard of condoms arse - deal.with it.

It's very much their circus, their monkeys.

Not sure why you're seeking advice for them that they could seek themselves.

BlueTitShark · 14/04/2025 14:52

@Mini1977 I don’t think thete is any way to know whether she is still pregnant or not.

The best thing your brother can do is to write to her and ask her to let him know when she has given birth. That he’ll need a paternity test then agd will be taking responsibility furvtye chikd if the paternity is confirmed.
Then wait.
Seeing the situation, I’d advise him to have someone working as in between and/or only use emails to communicate (even better if that email is one he only uses for that). And keep communication only about the (potential?) baby.
Stay factual. I’d say, from what you said, he also needs to learn to not automatically believe what she says bit to learn to live with the unknown. The summer isn’t far away. He’ll know soon enough.

CiscoTS · 14/04/2025 14:53

roseymoira · 14/04/2025 13:23

If this woman is as crazy as your making out, your DB is taking advantage of a vulnerable unwell person

Of course. It’s always the man who is in the wrong. Always. Without doubt.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:53

@ReesesCupcake the funny thing is she also had a bf who is 100% back in her life. My DB isn't the first person she has done things to and that information hasn't come from DB it's available to be read by anyone in our local community via newspapers.

@SpringIsSpringing25 he obviously wasn't aware of the bf. I'm not in contact with the OW DC I have a DC similar age who has mutual friends. Mutual friends have been supporting OWs DC while out playing because the DC is venting to friends. My DC isn't aware of anything and is coming home and saying things that have been said because DCs friends are all speaking about it.

OP posts:
BlueTitShark · 14/04/2025 14:54

Also if the OW is happy to ring your SIL, laugh at chasing him on her car etc…. I’d block her number.
Neither your brother nor your SIL need to deal with those phone calls.
Keep things in writing. It will remove a lot of the heat.

CiscoTS · 14/04/2025 14:54

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 13:37

@roseymoira it's quite a long one so I've shortened it down without adding in everything else as to the reason why I've said she's acting "crazy" but it goes in the form of assaulting my brother, smashing up his car, chasing him around in her car at full speed. So no he's not taking advantage he had stepped away from the situation but she keeps coming at him from all directions.

@TipsyJoker he's 100% not abusive. Was with SIL for 16 years he's never once lifted his hands to a woman and never would he's seen what our mother has went through, he's a proper mummy's boy at his grand old age of 39. He also hasn't referred to her as crazy not once in this whole situation he's wanting to keep the peace because if their is a baby he is willing to step up and doesn't want to risk not being allowed.

@SoScarletItWas Believe me he will be the most supportive parent he can be but over the last few weeks he's been told he's allowed contact then told he needs to go through court then told he's having no contact at all so sorry if I'm more worried about DBs mental health than someone who if playing with his emotions before a child has even made an appearance.

You’re on MN OP, where every man is an abusive arsehole, no matter what you say or what they’ve done/haven’t done.

TipsyJoker · 14/04/2025 14:56

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:45

@TipsyJoker wow haha! Believe me I know him very well, so does SIL who although he has cheated on her still has nothing nice to say about him. He's not a statistic.

Actually, he is a statistic. Cheating on a partner is abusive. It’s been proven that it can leave the partner with mental health issues like ptsd, depression and anxiety. He clearly treats women terribly. He cheats on them, risks their health by having unprotected sex with them, takes advantage of mentally unstable women, fathering children all over the place, gets his mummy and sister to pat his back and say, “there there poor baby” when he fucks up. As pp said, I think it’s quite clear what the dynamics of your family are and its men centric, women serving men, making excuses for men and men taking zero accountability. It’s understandable given you’ve grown up around abusive men but that doesn’t make it right. Leave this women alone. I already advised you of the process he should take if he wants to be involved in the child’s life. It’s not, “if it’s allowed or if he’s allowed” if he is the father, he has parental rights. Go to court, get a paternity test, if it’s his kid petition the court for contact. Make sure he pays for that’s child whether he sees it or not. And maybe your sil has nothing bad to say about him because a)she’s a mug b) she wouldn’t dare say anything bad to his dotting sister about him for fear of backlash given how you talk about OW, c) she’s brainwashed by him for when he love bombs her or has her trained well or d) all of the above. You might know him but your don’t know what it’s like to be in a romantic relationship with him. Maybe your SIL is just brainwashed by him.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:56

@BlueTitShark SIL has blocked OW but DB hasn't because he wants to keep communication open because he is wanting to be a parent to the child so he is stuck in catch 22. If he blocks he won't be made aware of anything relating to child but by keeping communication open he's just receiving abuse.

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 14/04/2025 14:56

CiscoTS · 14/04/2025 14:53

Of course. It’s always the man who is in the wrong. Always. Without doubt.

Show quote history

He's a cheater who fucks women he doesn't know without condoms (cause if he did know her, presumably he would have used condoms or not fucked her) ....... He's at fault.

That doesn't mean the ow doesn't carry any fault, just that that doesn't detract from him being at fault.

StrawberryDream24 · 14/04/2025 14:58

CiscoTS · 14/04/2025 14:54

You’re on MN OP, where every man is an abusive arsehole, no matter what you say or what they’ve done/haven’t done.

Show quote history

This one is a cheater, pregnancy risker, std risker and fucks women who are apparently unstable ..... So he is an abuser.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:59

@CiscoTS that's true although he is 100% far from it. Yes he cheated, yes he fucked up but that doesn't make him an abuser people are ridiculous.

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 14/04/2025 15:00

Do your brother and sil have any kids who'll be affected by this mess if ow hasn't terminated?

Even if they don't, any future mother of his kids is going to have to deal.with this (including all the costs)... because he can't roll a condom onto his dick.

BlueTitShark · 14/04/2025 15:04

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:56

@BlueTitShark SIL has blocked OW but DB hasn't because he wants to keep communication open because he is wanting to be a parent to the child so he is stuck in catch 22. If he blocks he won't be made aware of anything relating to child but by keeping communication open he's just receiving abuse.

He can limit contact to emails only until the birth.
Doing so will not stop him from being a father ince the baby is here (if there is a baby).
Wanting to do the right thing is good. It doesn’t mean he should let himself become abused too.

StrawberryDream24 · 14/04/2025 15:05

Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 14:59

@CiscoTS that's true although he is 100% far from it. Yes he cheated, yes he fucked up but that doesn't make him an abuser people are ridiculous.

Cheating is considered abuse for lots of valid reasons.

It also sounds like he should have had a bit of cop on about the stability of the woman he shagged.

I'd also say his "we're not getting on was spun more as "we're breaking up" so naturally that's adversely affected her too.

GoldDuster · 14/04/2025 15:05

Time for Mummys Boy do some grownupping and deal with the situation of his own making.

He impregnated a virtual stranger behind his wife's back. No matter the temprament of the woman or her subsequent decisions, things were never going to be a picnic. Stop trying to insert yourself into this situation and leave him to deal with it, you're not his mummy, and he's a 39 year old man who fucked around and found out.

StrawberryDream24 · 14/04/2025 15:06

GoldDuster · 14/04/2025 15:05

Time for Mummys Boy do some grownupping and deal with the situation of his own making.

He impregnated a virtual stranger behind his wife's back. No matter the temprament of the woman or her subsequent decisions, things were never going to be a picnic. Stop trying to insert yourself into this situation and leave him to deal with it, you're not his mummy, and he's a 39 year old man who fucked around and found out.

Hear hear.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 15:06

@TipsyJoker do you know him? Making the assumption that "he is fathering children all over the place" which is fat from the truth. One potential child 🤣
He also doesn't get a pat on the back he's been given what for and accepts he's royally fucked up but he's man enough to admit it and man enough to stand up and take accountability for the situation he has landed himself in by wanting to be a present parent if that is the case. And as for my family "woman serving men" again far from the truth, our mother has raised us single handedly alone and done a good bloody job of it. I have a DH and family but I can guarantee you I do not serve my husband I'm a very strong independent woman and my DH would agree with this we are mutual in our marriage.

If you have read my previous posts he is wanting to step up and father the child hence why his mental health is all over the place because at present he has been shut out from everything and only has OWs word on everything.

OP posts:
BlondeMummyto1 · 14/04/2025 15:08

I wouldn’t be getting involved. It’s his mess to sort out.

I don’t believe he can be as good as you believe if he jumps into bed with another woman as soon as he has trouble at home. He sounds like a drip hidden behind the mummy’s boy act. Ick.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 15:10

@StrawberryDream24 he's far from an abuser. How was he to know she was unstable. Ever heard of a narcissist? They love bomb at the start before the real side comes out. He done wrong yes but don't spin the narrative that he is an abuser when you don't know him NOT ALL MEN ARE ABUSERS. Men can be abused too just like OWs exs but that's none of my business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 14/04/2025 15:13

@BlondeMummyto1 the post was Purley to find out if there was anyway he could find out for sure. I'm not involved i see what happens when opinions are said and things do go the way OW wants so he is dealing with this himself I just wanted to know if there was anything he could do rather than having this hanging over his head for another few months.

OP posts:
HenDoNot · 14/04/2025 15:18

What’s that saying… “the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed”.

I guess your brother will know in about 20 weeks time whether the OW kept the baby or not, at this point IMO she owes him fuck all in terms of information.

Maybe the first he’ll know about it is when the CMS claim drops in to his inbox.

Until then, he’ll just have to try and keep his dick in his pants so as not to accidentally impregnate any more unstable women.

Fargo79 · 14/04/2025 15:18

Can't he figure out what to do for himself? Why does he need his sister and a group of random women on the internet to tell him how to clean up this mess he's made?