Colourful past haunting me

[Samuraipizzacat]

Me and DH are a blended family. He was in a previous marriage for 12 years and has 2 DC with his ex wife.
I have a more ’busy’ past and dated a fair few people over the years, some relatively well known in the public eye. I also have one kid from a 5 year relationship. It’s been a bone of contention that he things I’ve slept with more than him. I probably have but I play it down.

In past DH used to get really upset and wound up by how many people he perceived I had slept with compared to him and even called me a pretty derogatory slur. We moved on from that and since married and so on… but he has always had a bee in his bonnet about my past.

It just came up again as an ex who was in a band’s song played on the radio and without thinking I commented on it as it’s rare to hear them on the radio. I can see that was thoughtless and stupid as it’s spiralled into just him kicking off about me dating all these people and having some crazy sex life in the past, and how he’s stuck with me now and says I never want to have sex and clearly don’t fancy him. He seems disgusted that I’ve slept with people in the past and has this vision in his head that I was on some 24/7 orgy in my past. He’s pretty shaming of my past and has now subsequently told me to never bring up any exes again.

Im 47 and perimenopausal so my libido isn’t what it is, but I still muster up the energy to give it a good go a couple of times a week, even when I’m not in the mood as I appreciate intimacy is important to him. I work a relentless full time job and we nacho parent so I do all the parenting of my kid who lives with us the whole time. His kids come for half the week.
We are often tired, with a houseful of kids and he is mad as he sees me as some wild sex kitten in the past and thinks he’s got the short straw. I can see this is coming from a deep place of insecurity, but nothing I say seems to get through that he’s the one I settled down with and got married to, and he was the one that made me want to do that.

Its really beginning to erode how I feel about him as honestly if he wanted some 25 year old with all the energy in the world to bone all night I’m not sure why he married me… but I’m 47 with the energy levels to match my age.

We have been fighting more than usual in general as he just seems really dissatisfied with his lot, and subsequently takes it out on me. I can’t bear the thought of breaking up and putting our kids through that again, but I’m not sure I want to settle with waking on eggshells. And maybe he’s got a point that I don’t want to have mad crazy sex with him all the time, maybe I don’t love him enough. But that doesn’t feel like a normal relationship to me. I just never feel enough and that I’m always doing something wrong.

You don't have to justify your past in any way shape or form.
You'll never be in the right and your DH is always going to find fault with whatever you say unfortunately.

I feel like if he’s said horrible things to you about your past and you’ve stuck with him despite his obvious jealousy and misogyny maybe you have some self esteem issues? He is the one being disgusting here, your previous relationships are none of his business and if he’s got a problem with your past he shouldn’t have dated you let alone married you. Good luck to him finding a 25 year old to shag him he sounds repellent.

What’s he like then? An oil painting? Was he a virgin when he met his ex?

2 times a week! He's doing ok. But seriously, of course you don't have to justify your previous sex life or be ashamed of it. You're a human, not a used car (sorry poor analogy. Would he consider counseling to help talk it through? The issue is with him btw, not your previous sex life.

It's a shame that you're so committed to this man, as this behaviour is just not on. Have you tried very firmly telling him that him being like this is putting your relationship at risk, you will not put up with it, and he needs to stop it right now?!

Maybe he should go to counselling?

I was dating someone for 8 months until recently, then he started throwing things I'd told him in the early days of our relationship about being sexually adventurous, having had FWBs etc back in my face. THE FUCKING AUDACITY 😡. I'm still fuming and it's been over a month since I dumped him.

I thought 2 times a week was fairly healthy also! But apparently not.
I do see that it’s not me at fault here, and this just feels such a weird and old fashioned flex. I’ve suggested counselling to him but it’s yet to happen.

You say you’ve moved on. But clearly he hasn’t.

If you don’t want to have sex, dont. Hes clearly not ok in himself for your past to be an issue still. This isnt going to change is it? Divorce or stay?

It’s unclear how long you’ve been with this man but he sounds pretty awful. Do you have resources for going separate ways?

He'd be getting no sex from me, pathetic little man. His insecurities are rooted in misogyny - women should be pure etc. he's not going to change, so it's up to you whether you want to continue to put up with this or not.

Oh, and stop having sex you don't want to appease his ego.

It just came up again as an ex who was in a band’s song played on the radio and without thinking I commented on it as it’s rare to hear them on the radio. I can see that was thoughtless and stupid as it’s spiralled into just him kicking off about me dating all these people and having some crazy sex life in the past, and how he’s stuck with me now and says I never want to have sex and clearly don’t fancy him

You’ve done nothing wrong here - I’m assuming it was a passing comment about the song and not a running commentary on how good the guy was in bed!

I’d find it hard to fancy someone who was disgusted by any aspect of me, never mind my sexual past. Is it possible for you to clearly set a boundary around him commenting on your history? Your current sex life with him may need some discussion too but twice a week in peri/meno is pretty good going. He clearly wants more so some conversation about expectations is fair enough but my starting point would be he stops giving you a hard time for something you can’t change.

In all honesty though, I’d have been out the door the first time he tried to slut shame me.

Thank you for all your replies so far. I massively appreciate it. I fully get the misogyny that’s going on here. And I know there are some self esteem problems on both sides of the fence.

I went through a series of destructive and pretty unpleasant relationships before him, and for the most part current DH is wonderful and kind and our life is decent. I love him and our kids are pretty blended (been blended for 5+ years and they’re under 10 and all see each other as siblings).

I think putting a boundary round this subject is probably the best path forward. This hasn’t reared its head for a while to be fair but that’s because I avoid the subject like the plague. He’s not in a good place mentally so my comment didn’t help and it just kicked off from there. But I can’t fix that for him and I can’t change the past.

It makes me wonder are most men like this when they’re with someone with considerably more notches on the bedpost? Or is he just still wildly stuck in the 50’s on this?

Are most men like this? I don't know. None of the men I've ever dated or been married to are like this, but I've always been very upfront about my sexual history (within bounds of relevant discussion!) and am always pretty quick to jump into bed so if any of them were expecting a low number they were pretty foolish. Insecurity and low sexual confidence is difficult to deal with but no excuse for him mistreating you over your past.

This is not a healthy relationship, and certainly not one for your children to see as normal. What you did or didn't do before you met him is none of his business so do not apologise, you've nothing to apologise for.

Do you think he might be following the 'script'? Any chance he's laying the groundwork for ending the relationship and dumping the blame on you?

If he won't (yet) consider counselling it would be worth you having some of your own before he undermines your self confidence completely.

His behaviour is insane. You're 47, of course you have a past!

I don't see how he will move on from this tbh.

I've had 2 sexual partners and DH has had dozens (he lost count). It really used to bother me, but only when we first got together and I was in my early 20s and lacking in life experience. But to feel that way about someone pushing 50 is deranged.

on your last part, dh and I are broadly similar to your set up. He doesn’t want to know any details, and doesn’t ask. He occasionally makes a joking reference to the scene of my ‘crimes’ if we go there (abroad) but never in a bitter way. I don’t think it’s a daily thing he dwells on if that helps set a benchmark?

I don’t think you were insensitive I. The slightest to react to an ex singing on the radio.

your DH sounds insecure and a bit mean .

Op, I have a very very very colourful past and I’ve no idea how many people I’ve slept with but it’s in the hundreds, possibly more. My DH has slept with 5 women. He’s never shamed me or made me feel less than. He would never use things from before I met him to make me feel bad about myself today.

i couldn’t love a person like this.

You’re not being haunted by your colourful past, your past is being judged and weaponised against you by your present partner, which is not the same thing.

The only time it’s OK for a partner to offer any comment on your previous sexual choices is if you instigate a discussion, or if you’re struggling with some aspect of your past and need support to process. In every other scenario they need to keep their beak out of your business and their opinions to themselves.

Your DH sounds jealous, insecure, judgemental and a bit of a dick. There’s absolutely nothing any of us can do to change the past. A man who chooses to hold grudges against you for who you once were, and constantly measures himself against your imagined memories, is not someone who truly loves you for who you are now.

This is a DH problem, as you know. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, including casually commenting on that band.

He’s an insecure, deeply sexist, pathetic little man with scant self awareness or ability to emotionally regulate like a grown up.

Your thread sadly joins the legions of those from women with shit husbands trying to somehow make it different.

Sorry OP. Perhaps you can have a conversation with him where you educate him about the fact that he has no business judging your past, or controlling your speech, or demanding sex, and he needs to look at himself and his own issues.

I had a boyfriend many years ago who was obsessed with the fact that I had slept with more people than him (low numbers, but mine was higher).

He just couldn't let it go. In the end, he was going on about it again in the middle of the night. I got up, got dressed, broke up with him and went home.

Jealously is very unattractive and difficult to deal with. You can't change his mind, there's nothing you can say or do to change the past. I found it exhausting.

I’d find this trait really unchivalrous, to put it mildly. It’s no more of his business how many people you slept with pre-him than it is how many people his parents or his friends have slept with in their lives. And I hear you, that you get the misogyny in all this, and still I want to echo that .. along with all of the other MNers here.
It suggests to me a level of dissatisfaction with his own life and a lack of self esteem. Could that be true? And perhaps he thinks he’s punching above his weight with you, and (small man fashion - no disrespect to anyone short here, you can be a “small man” and 6ft 5 tall) has to take that out on you? But that’s his stupidity, not on you.
Gah. Judging by the mumsnet r’ship page there should be a complete re-education of millions of men re: what women are allowed to do in life. It’s terrifying to read, day after day.

The way I see it is that he's abusive.

Because he could have opted not to continue the relationship let alone marry you if your past was a deal breaker for him.

He didn't ...he chose to continue the relationship and even marry you, and blend your families ...... Yet he keeps raising this issue and essentially abusing you about it.

You have tried to avoid the abuse by avoiding every reference but have - inevitably - "slipped up" by mentioning a song - upon which he's pounced to escalate it into a reference to your past partners.

He's just using you as a whipping boy/punch bag.

He could not indulge in this.
He could, if he has such trouble not indulging in this, get counselling to help not indulge in this. But he doesn't want to, does he?

He thinks you're stuck and he's thinks he can keep on having a go at you, the whipping boy, whenever he fancies it. At some level he gets gratification out of emotionally "punching" you and trying to make you feel bad and feeling superior to you.

That's the behaviour of an abuser.

even called me a pretty derogatory slur.

We moved on from that

You don't really move on from that.

That's their opinion/values and that's their way of expressing themselves.

That doesn't go away.

Tbh when he called you a slut/slapper/whore/whatever, that was a deal breaker and sign to get out - though I totally understand why an attached, invested person might not do that.

At this point, you can ask him to work on himself & his issues (if he chooses to obviously) and tell him if he behaves like this again, you're going to finish the relationship.
Or you can just finish the relationship.
Stark choices, but this is unacceptable behaviour. It's essentially abuse. And it sounds like it's been going on for years to some extent of other.

(And totally unreasonable since he chose to marry you & blend families. If he doesn't want a partner like you, then he shouldn't have chosen a partner like you. If he now wants to blow up your two and your kids lives because he doesn't want a partner like you, that makes him a shit person, but ateotd that's his perogative.
What he doesn't get to do is choose a partner like you and then abuse you for it (over something you can't change), that he was aware of before he married you).

It's something you cannot change. Your past is your past, no amount of resentment, arguments or jealousy? is going to change that. He either accepts it or he doesn't - what is his solution to put things 'right' everytime he gets upset about it? Or is it just that he wants to point fingers and criticise every so often?

Why did his first marriage fail, I wonder.

Could he have been banging on ( pun intended) about some perceived shortcoming in his previous wife/ partner?