Colourful past haunting me

[Samuraipizzacat]

Me and DH are a blended family. He was in a previous marriage for 12 years and has 2 DC with his ex wife.
I have a more ’busy’ past and dated a fair few people over the years, some relatively well known in the public eye. I also have one kid from a 5 year relationship. It’s been a bone of contention that he things I’ve slept with more than him. I probably have but I play it down.

In past DH used to get really upset and wound up by how many people he perceived I had slept with compared to him and even called me a pretty derogatory slur. We moved on from that and since married and so on… but he has always had a bee in his bonnet about my past.

It just came up again as an ex who was in a band’s song played on the radio and without thinking I commented on it as it’s rare to hear them on the radio. I can see that was thoughtless and stupid as it’s spiralled into just him kicking off about me dating all these people and having some crazy sex life in the past, and how he’s stuck with me now and says I never want to have sex and clearly don’t fancy him. He seems disgusted that I’ve slept with people in the past and has this vision in his head that I was on some 24/7 orgy in my past. He’s pretty shaming of my past and has now subsequently told me to never bring up any exes again.

Im 47 and perimenopausal so my libido isn’t what it is, but I still muster up the energy to give it a good go a couple of times a week, even when I’m not in the mood as I appreciate intimacy is important to him. I work a relentless full time job and we nacho parent so I do all the parenting of my kid who lives with us the whole time. His kids come for half the week.
We are often tired, with a houseful of kids and he is mad as he sees me as some wild sex kitten in the past and thinks he’s got the short straw. I can see this is coming from a deep place of insecurity, but nothing I say seems to get through that he’s the one I settled down with and got married to, and he was the one that made me want to do that.

Its really beginning to erode how I feel about him as honestly if he wanted some 25 year old with all the energy in the world to bone all night I’m not sure why he married me… but I’m 47 with the energy levels to match my age.

We have been fighting more than usual in general as he just seems really dissatisfied with his lot, and subsequently takes it out on me. I can’t bear the thought of breaking up and putting our kids through that again, but I’m not sure I want to settle with waking on eggshells. And maybe he’s got a point that I don’t want to have mad crazy sex with him all the time, maybe I don’t love him enough. But that doesn’t feel like a normal relationship to me. I just never feel enough and that I’m always doing something wrong.

Yeah boundaries seem s good idea for now.. don't know about most men, I remember asking my DH at the beginning of our relationship of he wanted to know (I had enjoyed myself lets say 😂) about my past, he just he didn't care, it's not been mentioned or discussed over the past 20yrs or so..

He made a choice to continue being in a relationship with you knowing your past. He cannot keep using this as a stick to beat you with when he wants to and especially not as a way to complain he isn’t getting enough sex. If you want to stay in this relationship you need to tell him either your past is an issue or it isn’t. If it isn’t then he cannot weaponise it ever again. If it is then you seriously need to think about what your future with this man is going to look like.

This sort of factoid about numbers and scores is much more likely to affect a man than a woman I think.
However he manages his behaviour and his thoughts it will always be there for him. It has not diminished yet so It never will.

I also agree that you seen to have a v active sex life.

So he's being unreasonable about that too.

Oh honestly OP, what a pathetic, sexist, whining manchild.

How you could bring yourself to sleep with someone with such an immature attitude to sex I just don't know.

It sounds like he's suggesting that you're only good for one thing and he's not even getting that.

What an absolute wanker.

Really sorry tgat you’re in this situation OP. Him being so hung up on your past should have sounded a klaxon years ago. He’s not going to change and his behaviour sounds quite damaging.

How does he know all this stuff about your sexual history? Not excusing his behaviour at all, but rarely does any good come from divulging details about past sexual relationships to a new partner. His feelings will be born out of jealousy rather than disgust, if that helps you to process it at all.

Clearly the current issue is his perception of a lack of sex. Twice a week is probably pretty good going in the circumstances though. Couples counselling might help with that aspect, but won't change what he knows about your past, so maybe he needs individual counselling to try and deal with that?

This is ridiculous behaviour and definitely not normal at all. An ex of mine has a child at the same preschool as mine. We often see this ex twice a day on the school run , we exchange pleasantries and small talk. Not once has my dh kicked off about it because he understands everyone has a past . If my dh kicked off like yours does then it would probably be a deal breaker

Im 38 op and if i never have sex again i wont miss it ive been single for a few years and i like not having a sex pest around.
Some like it some love it but tbh i cant be bothered with it.

Because some people are honest and open, and that's not a bad thing to bring to a relationship.

Eg: I mentioned to my ex that I knew a certain town quite well because I'd had a FWB there for a while. I mean, I suppose I could have tied myself up in knots to put it a different way, but why should I? He asked me, in a strangled and suffering voice, never to mention such things to him again 🙄.

You'll note the use of "ex".

@Samuraipizzacat he seriously need down Counseling of his own . !
I would 100% tell him couples Counseling or the marriage is over .
It’s his horrible views about women and sec that are the issue .
You are not a piece of meat oh they got to play with you more and I hardly get to play.

You are right if he wants someone in their 20s ask him why he is with you ?
Also says a lot about him if that’s his thought process .

It’s been a bone of contention that he things I’ve slept with more than him. I probably have but I play it down.

It's not been a bone of contention, it's still a bone of contention, and you may want to move on from his feelings about this but he does not.

For reference, I have also a couple of encounters with "famous" men in my past, my partner knows about them, and how many others I've been involved with and has no ill reaction to those facts whatsoever. I can mention it if it ever comes up, and we have a conversation about it like I would with a friend. His ego isn't balancing on what I did before I met him, and he doesn't judge me as a woman on my "purity". He is supportive and loves me as a whole human in her fourth decade of fully lived life.

Tell him that he's not "stuck with you" and he is free to leave at any point and his behaviour is affecting how you feel about him. You'd rather he did leave you if he can't accept your past, which he knew when he married you, did he think his magical penis would revirginise you like a phallic Etch A Sketch? Joker.

He didn't get the short straw, he got a human woman. He can like that or lump it.
I get that you wouldn't choose to seperate the new family situation, but that would be preferable to the children watching you being punished in this way for something you can't change. Why would you want to have mad crazy sex with someone who you feel judged and punished by?

Hard to see where this one ends unless he makes a concerted effort to not mention the past or discuss your past life. It shouldn't have to be like it but the fact it's triggering for him your going to have to do the same. Due to a long relationship I've only slept with 5/6 people and without asking just on my partner reminiscing, she's probably been with more people. But that's life, we've all had a previous one especially at middle age. Going forward you need a final open and honest discussion where both of you can make a commitment to not rake up the past or what's the point. Your arguments and resentment will finally erode your relationship.

He sounds like a jealous insecure wanker. This is not about you. It’s all him.

I’ve had a much more exciting past that Dh. Twice as many partners and certainly at lot more experimentation. So what? It was great at the time, but couldn’t pay me to choose any of them or that very different lifestyle over what I have now with Dh. He’s never even mentioned it again because what does it matter. He’s a decent, secure, respectful partner and the past is the past.

I have an ex like this. Used to make me feel guilty about things that I shouldn't have felt guilty about. So often I would have a knot in my stomach. Horrible way to live. Sorry you are having to deal with this, OP. I think it's called 'retroactive jealousy'.

He’s jealous. You’re both knocking on and he thinks he wasted 12 years on a marriage that broke down whilst you were out shagging pop stars and he can’t cope with it.

I never tell anyone about previous conquests, it gives me a buzz to think I’m the only one that knows certain aspects of my life. I walked past someone the other day who I had a fling with 25 years ago. This guy clocked me and winked at me, I smiled back. He was holding hands with his wife, I was with my children, no one else in the world saw the exchange or knows what went on.

@Samuraipizzacatare you noticing how many posters are saying that they’ve experienced this type of behaviour too and how it’s always from an EX?

He sounds completely misogynistic. Your previous sex life is none of his business. You’re with him now and presumably faithful. No one who has come before him has any effect on him and a woman’s value is not tied to how many sexual partners she’s had.
The bigger issue here is how his attitude towards you is affecting your self worth. In a healthy and loving relationship your partner should lift you up not drag you down.

I would say a couple times a week is good going!

As for are all men like this....no not all men but some are.
My DH couldn't give two hoots who I have slept with in the past and he's never really asked me. He knows it's more then him but he had 2 long term relationships before me whereas I had shorter term relationships or flings. We never compare and 15 years in I don't see the need to.
All relationships go in ebbs and flows.

It definitely sounds like an insecurity on his part and one I probably would be way harsher in my response of simply there is no time machine, this is me you are the one I married because I love you either drop it or we have a serious problem here.

Apologies my responses are scant currently. I’m waiting for my commute to read back and respond but there is definitely an overwhelming theme in the responses!

I’m glad you’ve noticed

I think in your shoes I woukd read through the thread again before deciding what to do. How he is behaving at the moment sounds abusive and exploitative.

I am so sorry @Samuraipizzacat . This sounds like the issue is him, not you.
Is this reaction relatively new? Sending lots of hugs your way.

I’ve really taken on board everything you have all said. I think I have a skewed view of what is acceptable behaviour these days. My previous relationship (when I had my child) was abusive, started verbally and became physical. On the abuse scale, this on the surface feels small fry compared to what I experienced then. But I can see the long term damage it is creating. And it’s making me question everything. If my past is so abhorrent to him, why is he with me? It warrants a gentle but firm convo about putting up some boundaries myself. He needs to work on his self esteem and his issues are his and his alone.

A couple of questions answered, we have been together for 6 years. It’s predominantly a loving and great relationship but there is this undercurrent of his low self esteem is impacting his behaviour to the point it has and will continue to erode my trust in him. And when trust goes…
I don’t believe he’s following the script. I’ve a fairly robust spidey sense for cheating etc, as have dated some real pricks in the past but maybe I’m being blind. Only time will tell I guess.
Also, we don’t have these discussions in front of kids. We might occasionally bicker infront of them but our kids have been through enough without needing to see that crap from us also!

I appreciate the collective wake up call. It’s been a wonderful reminder that our internal perspectives can get incredibly warped by our experiences.

I am not naturally a jealous person. I’m of the view, your past is the past and men and women can be friends. I’ve never understood that emotion, but he is jealous and it’s clearly stemming from insecurities. But that’s on him. And if it continues to be dragged up, then my trust in him to be my person will go.

There's no way I could be bothered with someone unpleasant like this, who isn't my child's parent, who comes with children of their own

Lots of people have said this but just to add my voice - this is a guy with ishoos around women. You should have run when he called you the slur; actually, you should have backed away when you realised he had issues about what you did before meeting him. It's hard when you meet someone who is generally lovely but has one big hang up, I can see why you hung on in there, but essentially he's pretty misogynistic. Might not even be his fault but it ~is~ his responsibility.

Please be careful and don't end up in the boiling frog situation.