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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

She doesn't want a relationship bc she doesn't want to hurt me

58 replies

Matchstix622 · 13/04/2025 09:24

We are both women and have been seeing one another for quite a while on a "casual" basis.

We discussed becoming exclusive, a discussion lead by her actually, but she had a change of heart because she thinks if we do then she will end up losing me.

She says she loves me and would rather have me in her life in some capacity than not at all. She doesn't think she would meet the bar for a proper relationship. She's not a good enough partner.

She had a traumatic upbringing and as a result has some mental health problems that make relationships difficult for her, a personality disorder.

She has been transparent about how that manifested in previous relationships, that her insecurities lead to her being emotionally abusive and losing people she loved. She doesn't like who she is when she's in a "proper" relationship.

The thing is we'd been acting as though we are in a proper relationship, she has never been hurtful to me and I've fallen for her in the process. I'm getting my heart broken knowing it isn't going to go anywhere.

Do you think there's anything admirable about her stance, wanting to spare me of being hurt, or does it sound like she just isn't that into me and just excuses?

I think I'd find it easier to move on if I knew which of those it is.

It's a lot easier to walk away from somebody who isn't into you, than somebody who does love you and is just scared of hurting/losing you.

OP posts:

Springadorable · 13/04/2025 09:28

She's a coward, and would rather have her cake and eat it than invest in a relationship with you. Throw her back.

Original poster

Matchstix622 · 13/04/2025 09:33

Springadorable · 13/04/2025 09:28

She's a coward, and would rather have her cake and eat it than invest in a relationship with you. Throw her back.

She's definitely having her cake and eating it as she gets all the plus points of a relationship without any commitment.

As it stands, she could effectively date and sleep with other people and I wouldn't be able to say anything about it because we're not in a "proper relationship"

She's adamant she wouldn't and doesn't want to see anybody else but that doesn't count for much really does it?

OP posts:

Springadorable · 13/04/2025 09:34

Totally agree it doesn't count for much - she's keeping her options open in case a better offer comes along. That is not a respectful way to treat someone you claim to like, let alone love.

AgnesX · 13/04/2025 09:35

Sounds like she's really not that invested and a bit of a drama queen. Actually, a lot of a drama queen. And, perhaps not particularly capable of a stable relationship.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/04/2025 09:38

Whatever her reasons and whatever you THINK her reasons are, she's saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. That really is all you need to know. You are going to have to harden your heart and cut your losses I'm afraid.

Fingernailbiter · 13/04/2025 09:38

Could she honestly say she will never, in her whole life, choose to be in an exclusive relationship, because of her past? I bet she couldn't honestly say that. (And if she did, I don’t think I’d believe her.) So I’m afraid she’s just not into you enough to want to try.

Atconnaught · 13/04/2025 09:39

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone with a personality disorder for a relationship. It’s quite difficult to be diagnosed with one and the symptoms have to be all pervasive and are very distressing.

Being alone is better than electing to become involved with a mentally ill disordered person.

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 09:42

oh Op she simply doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you. That’s it. Nothing more nothing less.

daisychain01 · 13/04/2025 09:42

Why subject yourself to all that complexity. You're better off single.

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 09:43

As it stands, she could effectively date and sleep with other people and I wouldn't be able to say anything about it because we're not in a "proper relationship"

as could you op

Original poster

Matchstix622 · 13/04/2025 09:45

Thank you all.

I'm driving myself to distraction with these mental gymnastics I'm doing, going back and forth about the "why" instead of taking the bottom line at face value.
.
I'm going to have to find a way to move on. Maybe no contact is the way to go.

OP posts:

cakeandteaandcake · 13/04/2025 09:52

That wouldn’t be a bad idea. She’s really messing with your head. Run far far away.

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 09:53

Matchstix622 · 13/04/2025 09:45

Thank you all.

Get yourself out in the sun, go for a walk, meet a friend for a coffee

IBloodyLoveMyBlanket · 13/04/2025 09:58

Ugh, people who tell you they are shit at relationships are just giving themselves a get-out clause to behave badly. If she wanted to treat you properly and not hurt your feelings, she could do that.

Find the strength to bring an end to this, OP. You deserve more, it doesn't need to be complicated.

FortyElephants · 13/04/2025 09:58

I've heard this nonsense in various forms from men through my life, both to me and to friends of mine. It's probably a bit less obvious coming from a woman but it's still fuckboy behaviour. She's literally keeping you on the hook while she can do whatever and whoever she wants with no restrictions. It's not admirable, it's shitty.

Original poster

Matchstix622 · 13/04/2025 10:01

It is shitty isn't it? I think I'm having a wake up call today 😔

OP posts:

Simplynotsimple · 13/04/2025 10:07

From another perspective, being in a relationship full time with someone with a traumatic past/BPD can be difficult. Your girlfriend sounds like she recognises how she can behave in a relationship and whilst doesn’t want to let you go also wants to avoid hurting you. But it’s selfish regardless and since it’s unworkable for you I’d walk away.

FatLarrysBanned · 13/04/2025 10:10

It just boils down to the old "she's not that in to you". If she was she'd want to be exclusive and she'd want to know you're not dating anyone else.

That's doesn't mean that all of what she's told you isn't true, she may well turn into a twat when she's in an exclusive relationship.

Everyone wants to be the one that changes the bad boy/girl into a monogamous, respectful life partner but it never comes from someone else doing the leg work. They're the ones that have to find the person that they can't live without and want to settle down with.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/04/2025 10:12

That's an abuser ploy - it's appealing to the fixer-upper/rescuer and means she can be abusive without any comeback;

'I told you this is what I'm like'

'Oh, WHY am I like this, I HATE myself, I might as well DIE'

'You knew what you were getting into'

Just walk away completely.

perfectcolourfound · 13/04/2025 10:13

Either she's telling the truth, and knows she wouldn't be a good partner, or she's using that as an excuse, to avoid saying she doesn't want to commit.

Either way, she won't make a good partner.

Original poster

Matchstix622 · 13/04/2025 10:18

Her last relationship was three years ago and it ended with her being kicked out of her then-girlfriends house, blocked on everything and they never spoke again.

She said it took her about two years to get over that relationship and she was in a really dark place mentally, deciding then that she didn't want anything like that to happen again and was "off" relationships.

When I asked her why she said she wanted to be exclusive with me then she said its because she was thinking with her heart and not her head.

I think the overall consensus here is right and that it's damaging to me regardless of her reasoning and I need to end this and walk away.

I did end it before but a clean break wasn't happening as she still wanted to be in touch all of the time. Daily contact wasn't conducive to moving on as I still loved her I ended up going back.

I'm going to miss her a lot but its time to move on now I think.

OP posts:

FortyElephants · 13/04/2025 10:24

perfectcolourfound · 13/04/2025 10:13

Either she's telling the truth, and knows she wouldn't be a good partner, or she's using that as an excuse, to avoid saying she doesn't want to commit.

Either way, she won't make a good partner.

If she knows she wouldn't be a good partner and is trying to protect OP's feelings then she should stop seeing OP and stop dating altogether until she gets herself some proper therapy. Treating people badly doesn't get neutralised if you warn the people in advance that you're going to treat them badly.

Zebracat · 13/04/2025 10:30

I think she probably sincerely means it, but it is drama and heroic little me selflessly giving you freedom bla blah. If you do end it and want no further contact, the narcisstic rage will explode. She’s in charge of this narrative, your role is to steadfastly adore her.

Original poster

Matchstix622 · 13/04/2025 11:19

She's had therapy but not the sort she actually needs. CBT instead of DBT. She's already on antidepressants but say they make no difference, yet reluctant to switch as she had a difficult few months adjusting to the ones she's on. Lots of side effects.

It's maddening how blind you can be when you love somebody though. I'm usually one of the first to spot when friends/family are being taken for a fool by a romantic partner.

Almost a year I've put up with and allowed this to continue.

OP posts:

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 13/04/2025 11:21

Actually I think she knows herself -far better than you know her, tbh - and she knows the pattern of her behaviour and she is being wise.

She may get to the point of deciding she's better off not seeing anyone, ever, but that's a tall order for a young person.

It may be that her reasons for saying no to commitment are complex with both admirable and less admirable aspects, but I don't think you need to get into the moral aspect. Stay practical. She's very damaged, has hurt others and will probably hurt you, all the while being drawn to you. This isn't a good basis for a relationship.

Either you accept the relationship as it is, limited.
Push for a full commitment (and I don't think this is a good idea)
End the relationship, probably with no more contact. Otherwise the temptation will be there to get closer, with an emotional pull-push.

Imo "Let go with love" is a wonderful concept.

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