She doesn't want a relationship bc she doesn't want to hurt me

[Matchstix622]

We are both women and have been seeing one another for quite a while on a "casual" basis.

We discussed becoming exclusive, a discussion lead by her actually, but she had a change of heart because she thinks if we do then she will end up losing me.

She says she loves me and would rather have me in her life in some capacity than not at all. She doesn't think she would meet the bar for a proper relationship. She's not a good enough partner.

She had a traumatic upbringing and as a result has some mental health problems that make relationships difficult for her, a personality disorder.

She has been transparent about how that manifested in previous relationships, that her insecurities lead to her being emotionally abusive and losing people she loved. She doesn't like who she is when she's in a "proper" relationship.

The thing is we'd been acting as though we are in a proper relationship, she has never been hurtful to me and I've fallen for her in the process. I'm getting my heart broken knowing it isn't going to go anywhere.

Do you think there's anything admirable about her stance, wanting to spare me of being hurt, or does it sound like she just isn't that into me and just excuses?

I think I'd find it easier to move on if I knew which of those it is.

It's a lot easier to walk away from somebody who isn't into you, than somebody who does love you and is just scared of hurting/losing you.

She does seem very self aware, and she is at a point in her life where she has a lot to lose if she were to have a bad breakup/MH crisis.

I did note that it's got to be incredibly rare for somebody to be so transparent about their tendency to be abusive. Abusers don't generally do that do they?

It's things like that which have had me pivoting back and forth about how she might be being genuine in what she's saying and that she does truly care about me.

She works nights so I'm not likely to hear from her until late this afternoon but I'm going to tell her I need to pull back now for my own wellbeing.

What she is saying is already part of the emotional abuse. So you can’t call her out on behaviour in the future because you knew what you were getting into but chose to be with her despite her warnings.

Being transparent about her tendency to be abusive doesn't negate the abusive behaviour. It's also part of the manipulation. You're already seeing her as noble for being honest.

She wants a green light to shag about and that’s not what you want. Get rid of her asap. All the she doesn’t want to hurt you, how convenient as she is manipulating you to thinking she is very nice, she is the opposite.

There are people who are very damaged but try to cope with it and minimise their damage. Some succeed, some don't. Others roll with it and don't care. From what you've said she's in the first category.

I still don't think you need to start throwing insults around. Just be practical.

I suggest that you tell her that yiu think she is very courageous, but that at this point you need to pull back for your own sake, and that you hope she can find the DBT she needs and the right partner in the future.

Are you sleeping together, If you are I would stop immediately

From the way you have described this woman I would not want to be in a relationship with her, it sounds like it would be a disaster and she has actually pretty much confirmed this

For my own sanity I think I would need to cut contact with her otherwise this ‘friendship’ will prevent you from properly considering other partners as she will always be in your head.

Wish her well and move on

Agree, it’s pretty manipulative whether she has done that deliberately or not.

She’s messed up and you both know it, why would you want to enter into a relationship with this knowledge

We have been sleeping together yes, for almost a year now. We met in May of 24 and have been seeing each other since then, with the exception of a three week "break up" (instigated by me) - and even during that three weeks she was in constant contact.

She stayed over here on Wednesday and Thursday this week.

See where the lines are blurred with the mixed messages about what it is that we are? For all intents and purposes it was a relationship and for her to suggest that it wasn't is pretty daft given the length of time and emotional investment.

In hindsight I should have put a stop to the physical relationship as soon as it was clear it wasn't going to progress into commitment. I really haven't helped myself have I?

I agree completely that being in contact with her is going to prevent me from considering other partners as she will be in my head constantly.

There was another woman who was interested in me and was keen to go on a date but I didn't even consider it for a minute because I was already emotionally invested here 😔

I think @Atconnaught sums it up perfectly. Ending it might be tough short term but much better for your wellbeing in the long run. Not even that long. I think once you’re away from all this uncertainty you will soon be much happier

I think this is true.
I am having a similar situation but not having invested so much time. My feeling is this: when I started dating this person, I did not know what I know now. So it made sense to see what happened.
But if I continue knowing what I know now, then I am opening the door for a pattern of behaviour which makes me lose sleep and waste precious time angsting about. And doesn’t match to what I want, which is the other thing.
And don’t regret things, you didn’t know what you know now.

Wise words throughout, thank you.

There are some lessons to be learned and I need to do some work on myself to figure out why I allowed myself to stay in a situationship that isn't serving me.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

It seems to me that this gf might be doing the best she can, given the damage she is living with.

She's damned if she warns you and damned if she doesn't according to some people here. At least she tried to tell you, and that has given you the power to make an informed choice.

It isn't making you happy so it's time to draw a line but she might have been doing the best she can.

My biological mother had severe BPD and was a using, life-sucking vampire who never considered a moment the damage she did to everyone in her orbit. This woman might not be in a position to sustain a relationship but she's at least trying to be honest with you.

Thank you

I'm so sorry you were dealt those cards, Duckling.

It's hard being an adult in a BPD relationship so goodness knows how hard it must have been for a child.

I hope you have managed to heal from the damage she caused you.

I had the luck to not be brought up by her. Once we were reunited and I got to know her a little, well, all I can do is be profoundly grateful I wasn't.

I feel very sorry for her - she didn't have a chance given her childhood. She suffered enormously but spread that suffering around very generously. She did try by her own lights, though.

All I can say is that childhood is profoundly influential in who we become. Sometimes the damage runs too deep. With my mother she was superficially bright, lively, funny, kind. Her desperate unfillable inner need and engulfing nature only became clear later.

But you are wise to step away from this woman. Apparently BPD can improve with age, but she's nowhere near that yet from what you say - and it's not making you happy. Don't blame yourself though for finding her attractive. Some of the liveliness and spontenaeity and warmth is very engaging.

OP are you hoping to convince her that she is worthy, and she'll be so grateful for you sticking around?
Nah, she's putting the burden of her emotional damage on you. She's treating you like a giant emotional bandage. This is not noble
OP, you're worth having someone commit you.

To be completely honest I was yes, but I've since decided to walk away.

She is somebody that requires a lot of emotional support and I've spent the past year embroiled in whatever she has going on from one day to the next.

Giant emotional bandage is exactly what I had become, and she implied it would only magnify if we were "official"

Some people are either radiators or drains, she is a drain, she is getting a lot more out of this situation than you are

BPD and relationships are very difficult research it.

It's the kind of message that can go with not wanting a serious relationship but wanting to keep a partner onside. But in her case I'm not so sure. She really has been destructive in the past to people she loved and doesn't want to do it to you. I think it's more a question for you: will staying in an 'officially' uncommitted relationship with this woman stop you creating the kind of partnership you want with someone else?

Had this with a guy before - he wanted to do the martyr act one final time (every time) so I would be caring and he would be able to walk away (again) feeling somehow honourable and rejected and perpetuate it for the next person.

At some point people need to actually take accountability for their trauma and get help to move past it. It isn't your job to do this and no, it isn't them being heroic but lazy.

If she loved you she wouldn’t risk losing you. But maybe she doesn’t really know what love is. It’s time to think of yourself op.

Just to add, this is a pattern. They might be tricking themselves into believing in the martyr but really they love the drama due to the trauma they grew up with. It takes far more to get help and stick through the hard work that therapy entails than it does to do this to people all through their life, and still feel they are sad or unfortunate through no fault of their own.

This insight has been really beneficial to me deciding to end it.

Whenever the topic came up and I tried to express my discomfort about the lack of commitment she would always resort to saying "I like it like this, I just like us this way"

No care or thought as to whether I was happy or not, it's all about what she's comfortable with.

It is an intrinsically selfish behaviour, designed to protect her from pain, whether she realises this or not. Not fair on any one she does it to.

@Matchstix622 - sorry you’re in this position. At some level, this emotional chaos and drama suits her, hence why she isn’t doing the right work. As you acknowledge, you will need to go no contact to get over this. Good luck with it all.