She doesn't want a relationship bc she doesn't want to hurt me

[Matchstix622]

We are both women and have been seeing one another for quite a while on a "casual" basis.

We discussed becoming exclusive, a discussion lead by her actually, but she had a change of heart because she thinks if we do then she will end up losing me.

She says she loves me and would rather have me in her life in some capacity than not at all. She doesn't think she would meet the bar for a proper relationship. She's not a good enough partner.

She had a traumatic upbringing and as a result has some mental health problems that make relationships difficult for her, a personality disorder.

She has been transparent about how that manifested in previous relationships, that her insecurities lead to her being emotionally abusive and losing people she loved. She doesn't like who she is when she's in a "proper" relationship.

The thing is we'd been acting as though we are in a proper relationship, she has never been hurtful to me and I've fallen for her in the process. I'm getting my heart broken knowing it isn't going to go anywhere.

Do you think there's anything admirable about her stance, wanting to spare me of being hurt, or does it sound like she just isn't that into me and just excuses?

I think I'd find it easier to move on if I knew which of those it is.

It's a lot easier to walk away from somebody who isn't into you, than somebody who does love you and is just scared of hurting/losing you.

You've come to the right decision @Matchstix622. I wasted a lot of time and went through a lot of self esteem damaging pain in my younger years on the receiving end of these types of relationships. They can be very harmful and you're best off well away from that dynamic.

Di you have a history of being drawn to people who arnt available ( I know I do).

You are right to end it. When someone wants to be with you, really wants to be with you, they move heaven and earth to make that happen. They really want to be exclusive, they never want you second guessing the relationship, going on a chat forum to discuss the relationship, or blowing hot and cold and causing you anxiety. They are there, present, and you’re a team. And you deserve someone like that, not someone who won’t commit in case they’re a bad partner (spoiler alert: they’re giving themselves permission to treat you badly because that’s basically what you agree to when you let them treat you like that).

This is true.

I can’t even have a relationship with my own mother who was diagnosed with bpd when I was a teenager.

My relationship with her in the past had been relentless manipulation, extreme bids for attention when I tried to pull away (self harm, suicide attempts, “accidents”, psych hospital admissions).
She tried to destroy my self esteem and distort my view of the world and to prevent me from having relationships with other people/ sabotage my relationship, all in order to keep me from being independent and keep me as a person she can use to meet her own needs.
My childhood was bad but my twenties were spent in hospitals while she got stitched up/ given charcoal/ resuscitated/ intubated/ on life support and in psychiatric hospitals visiting her and holding her hand while she cried about all the terrible things that were always happening to her, most of which were brought on by herself and to do with all of the unhealthy relationships she cultivates with other people.

It took me decades to extricate myself from her manipulation and emotional blackmail.
This is the reality of bpd, this is typical behaviour of someone with the diagnosis. They don’t give out this diagnosis lightly.
She is not going to give you a true picture of how it affects her. You will find out way down the line and then it will be so much harder to end the relationship.

I have a lot of sympathy for people with bpd. It is an awful way to be and my heart goes out to them, but take it from me OP you have no clue what you’re getting into here. If you don’t have experience living with someone with bpd, you are like a lamb going to the slaughter.

By the sounds of what this woman is saying she is at a very dangerous stage where on the face of it she accepts her diagnosis but in reality she is just using it as a tool for manipulation instead of actually doing things that will minimise how it affects her life and her relationships.

When you say ‘proper’ you mean exclusive. Her reasons are her reasons but there’s nothing stopping you from enforcing your boundaries by ending it.

She’s been upfront, you want different things, you are responsible for your boundaries and she hers.

It's true I don't know the extent to which her condition affects her. I have some insight but it's quite limited, for example I know she has depressive episodes where she doesn't look after herself well (eating/sleeping etc) and retreats into her shell, so to speak.

I also know she's had some pretty nasty arguments with family members when she hasn't been in a good place.

When I asked what negative behaviour she displayed in previous relationships that lead to her being dumped she said it was things like lashing out verbally when she felt insecure, being controlling, having an issue with things on social media etc.

I do remember saying to her "well I wouldn't put up with anything like that" which she probably made a note of.

Overall if she wanted to change she would put the work in wouldn't she? If she met somebody she loved enough she would atleast try.

PP asked whether I have a history of going for emotionally unavailable people - not consciously but now I'm thinking back there has been some of that in the past.

Edited to add - something she said just sprang to mind one of the times we were discussing exclusivity. She said that when there's a label on the relationship she starts to feel like she almost 'owns' the other person, and that leads to the negative behaviour.

There's some cognitive dissonance for me as I've never seen a bad side to her, but that's probably because we're not "official"

I deluded myself a bit. I thought well she's always been lovely to me so surely a label won't change that, but then I don't understand how brains like hers work all that way.

There are probably people coming out of abusive relationships wishing they had the kind of warnings in advance that I've had, so I would be an utter moron to carry on walking towards that head first.

The no thought for how I was coping is why I just ended my situation as well. It’s not a good place to be in right now, especially as I was single a long time before going into this, and I wish I had said no to being asked out, but I cannot take the effect on my mental health of the lack of clarity around certain things. I have things in my life I need to make the most of and I cannot do that with my mind being messed up.

I think the sadness now will pass.
I wish you well.

If she wanted to change, she would put in the work…

Honestly, it is very difficult for people with BPD to change. It is also a very difficult thing to treat. My mother and sister both have it and they struggle very badly to see that their behaviour is not normal because to them, it is.
I remember once my mum was on a high dependency ward, just out of icu after a suicide attempt. She very nearly died that time. I asked her what she had been trying to do as in did she really want to die in that moment. She said no, sometimes everything just gets too much and I have to do this to sort of reset myself, then I feel okay again. I said but do you understand you nearly died, that you very nearly killed yourself? And the way that she looked at me I could tell she didn’t. Somehow she lives in a world where she both knows this and simultaneously doesn’t. I know from long experience, she just doesn’t think the way other people do. She doesn’t react to things like people normally do either. Arguing is nothing to her, even violent arguments, they are the same as other people making chit chat about the weather. She thrives on arguments, drama, negative emotion. If things are nice and relaxed and peaceful, she actively hates it and will kick off because everything is backwards with her. It is rooted in very deep trauma. All of this I have learned from mh professionals including psychiatrists over the years is typical of people with bpd.