Dating separated Dad

[Devonyogamum]

I’m a single mum. Dating an amazing man that separated last year. He’s not going for divorce as he wants his kids to remain in the family home until they have finished GCSEs next year. Then they will divorce and split the finances. This is to save disruption for the children at this time in education . He lives in his own house. He instigated the separation, they grew apart physically and emotionally over many years and his wife is not interested in reconnection regardless of him dragging her to counselling over the years. So he left. But it killed him to do so but he did it.

Am I being naive or is this ok? This tether to his wife, I’m not keen on it.

how long have you been with him?
do you have children?

Have you been to his house and stayed over?

He’s painted quite the picture of him being a prince and his ex being unreasonable hasn’t he

Are you sure they are separated? Been to his house, met his parents, friends and siblings?

Always remember what they say about their ex(if she even is ex) is what they could say about you one day. Not very nice is it?

I can’t see what he’s said that is bad about the ex? They grew apart and now separated. People don’t separate for no reason.

If you think it sounds a bit suss OP, listen to your instincts. Personally if I were single, I wouldn’t date someone who was not officially divorced or divorcing their wife.

I meant that he’s conveyed himself as trying so hard to make this work but the ex being unamenable

They grew apart. Nothing bad, just an emotional and physical drift. He was very sad about the loss, as was she, but it was reality that it was over. He cares very much that divorcing and forcing the sale of the family home will be too disruptive for their education and wellbeing. My question is, is this ok? Should I feel wary that he doesn’t want to divorce for this reason.

Absolutely nothing stopping them progressing with the divorce and part of the consent order is that house sold post exams and finances split

And my question is how long have you actually been with him?

Over a year

His reasoning doesn’t make sense

Nothing to stop progressing with divorce

So he split
and got in to a relationship with you very very quickly

have you met his children? Does the ex know about you? Been to his new place?

Nothing to stop them divorcing, agree finances and delaying house sale until post GCSE.

Op I think this is a man who tried to work at his marriage eg counselling, before walking away, hasn't been easy for him has he was trying to keep it all together, I can see he reasons for delaying divorce process with the children being at exam stages, as this process is an absolute nightmare ie, financially, house, again more upset for everyone, he is grieving the family he had and life he planned out, his wife lost interest,

He is moving on now but it's probably not been easy for him to adjust,

I don't think you need to worry as he seems like a decent bloke trying to do the best in a shit situation,

Sounds like they are amicable tho which is good around, this may change when he starts making changes to divorce,

I really do think he is healing from his failed marriage op, good it's not turned nasty,

Hold on to the fact that he's doing the best he can is what must of been a really shit life changing experience,

As I've said Sounds like a good person,

Exactly
and divorce generally isn’t the quickest of processes anyway

Personally, I wouldn’t touch a separated but not divorced for sake of kids’ bloke with a bargepole, surgically one that moves into a new relationship very quickly.

They won’t have done any work on themselves or had time to be alone and self reflect which imo is essential after the end of a LTR.

The likelihood is being the rebound and unpaid therapist getting them ready for the next woman after you.

Exactly this. He is. I’m just protecting myself I guess. Wondering if a delayed divorce for these reasons is ok, surely this happens. Two new homes is horribly disruptive for the children so I can see that they are minimising risk.

A consent order is interesting.

I’d be very wary of anyone who doesn’t want to move on once they’re at the stage he says they’re at. As PP says, the house sale and financial split can be dealt with in an orderly way. You’ve not answered any questions yet, and I am also curious: have you met his family and been to his accommodation? It is very possible that he’s living separately but still clinging on.

You haven’t answered these very important questions@Devonyogamum

So he chose to have no time at all to work on himself, learn who he is as a single parent, focus on his kids coping with their parents breakup, just immediately started dating you?
It doesn't sound fantastic. Will he not want to date lots of women or focus on the final few years of raising his kids?

He can start the divorce process. Their's nothing to stoping him starting it. They can delay the sale of the house until after GCSEs. It took ages for my first divorce to be finalised and we had no children, no assets, we never even lived together.

Sadly it looks like you’re the rebound to keep him occupied whilst he’s in this self imposed limbo.
Completely understand why he’d want to prioritise kids and exams, but if everything is as smooth and amicable as he says then the divorce can be progressed with the house sold after exams. Surely his kids know dad isn’t living with them? Is he having them 50/50 and paying maintenance. Do they know about you and how’s your relationship with them?
If you’re still a secret then his head is still in the marriage.
If he asked for counselling then he didn’t want the marriage to end. Yet he got together with you straight afterwards?
There’s no way he’s ready to move on into a new, healthy relationship.

Especially not surgically- damn predictive text