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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating separated Dad

67 replies

Devonyogamum · 13/04/2025 08:59

I’m a single mum. Dating an amazing man that separated last year. He’s not going for divorce as he wants his kids to remain in the family home until they have finished GCSEs next year. Then they will divorce and split the finances. This is to save disruption for the children at this time in education . He lives in his own house. He instigated the separation, they grew apart physically and emotionally over many years and his wife is not interested in reconnection regardless of him dragging her to counselling over the years. So he left. But it killed him to do so but he did it.

Am I being naive or is this ok? This tether to his wife, I’m not keen on it.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/04/2025 11:39

Absolutely no reason not to divorce with a consent order for finances. I’m guessing he doesn’t want to divorce. I wouldn’t date a separated man personally, no boundaries at all.

HeddaGarbled · 13/04/2025 11:40

I think he gets a better financial deal if he divorces when the children are older, doesn’t he? His wife should get some legal advice.

NeverEverOhNo · 13/04/2025 11:42

It's one half of a story remember. He could be telling you 'his' narrative which isn't necessarily the reality.

SodOffbacktoaibu · 13/04/2025 11:54

I would not date a married man. This is a personal boundary. It just wouldn't sit right with me.

My friend dated a man who has separated. It wasn't long after separation. They stayed together and have now bought a house together. They seem happy.

I don't judge her. He's not a bad bloke. It just wouldn't have been something I feel ok about.

If he's genuinely not going to reconcile and you are on the same page above what your relationship is (i.e. you're not a rebound fling unless you're happy to be one) then I think it is ok.

You've got to work out what is ok for you.

You might waste a year to find out the divorce doesn't start and there's another excuse or he might be true to his word.

It's messy though.I wouldn't want my future to have any third party involvement.

I do think looking at the online dating pool, the ones who are left tend to be there for a reason and they're long term daters. Maybe the ones, like my friend's partner, who move on fast, know they want a relationship and they're better?

What do I know? I never want to date again at this point in my life 😂

millymollymoomoo · 13/04/2025 11:56

The biggest impact is the separation not the logistics. That will have caused the most disruption.

if they are already separated and kids know ( as he’s moved out) then his logic is nonsense and he’s stringing it along

Trinzy · 13/04/2025 12:03

Sounds fair enough to me.

superplumb · 14/04/2025 17:41

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 09:16

Absolutely nothing stopping them progressing with the divorce and part of the consent order is that house sold post exams and finances split

This.
Sounds iffy op. I'm going through a duvorce myself ans I have the option of still getting the duvorce and splitting the finances post the children reaching 18. Sounds like he's dragging his feet. Also the fact he was dragging her to counselling suggests to me he wanted to save the marriage. Maybe he thinks having a break and the wife will see sense...meanwhile you'll develop feelings if they reconcile. Id be careful

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 14/04/2025 18:18

If he's not living in the family home there is no reason he cannot get divorced.
Sounds like you are being played

multilingualmum · 14/04/2025 18:21

Devonyogamum · 13/04/2025 09:16

They grew apart. Nothing bad, just an emotional and physical drift. He was very sad about the loss, as was she, but it was reality that it was over. He cares very much that divorcing and forcing the sale of the family home will be too disruptive for their education and wellbeing. My question is, is this ok? Should I feel wary that he doesn’t want to divorce for this reason.

you can still divorce and she can buy him out or there can be another arrangement. but you can still get divorced. I wouldn't like that

Original poster

Devonyogamum · 25/04/2025 10:34

He’s called the separation off as his teenage daughter is self harming at home.

I don’t like how my reptilian brain has decided that it might be an excuse. I believe the self harming but I feel selfish for thinking it’s an excuse to delay.

OP posts:

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 25/04/2025 10:37

Deleted - I responded to wrong thread. Apologies

FinallyHere · 25/04/2025 12:29

Sorry to read your update @Devonyogamum. You might come to recognise that this has actually been a wake up call for you.

go gently on yourself.

BlackStrayCat · 25/04/2025 12:39

My divorce took 2 years. I was lucky as it involved domestic abuse so expediated.

Why can they not start? Takes years.

BlackStrayCat · 25/04/2025 12:40

Oh, sorry OP. Seen update.

No. Red Flags everywhere.

S0j0urn4r · 25/04/2025 15:25

Sadly, he's not in a position to involve anyone else in his life while he sorts things out at home.
I would move on.

HouseOfHaribo · 25/04/2025 20:39

Devonyogamum · 25/04/2025 10:34

He’s called the separation off as his teenage daughter is self harming at home.

I don’t like how my reptilian brain has decided that it might be an excuse. I believe the self harming but I feel selfish for thinking it’s an excuse to delay.

I’m sorry but he has “called the separation off” because that is what he and his wife want. They want to be together.

There are plenty of separated and divorced parents out there and they don’t just get back together when a kid has problems. Please don’t let him stay in touch with you and string you along, or even use you as an affair partner (while convincing you he is only there for the child and will leave for you at some point). You deserve better and he is making an excuse: he has picked one that he thinks makes him look like a good guy too, no surprise there.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 26/04/2025 06:44

Your update was, sadly, exactly what I thought it would be (and I hope the self harming is an excuse actually rather than reality)

in my experience men who want to delay the divorce etc are keeping their options open and won’t hesitate to jump back in if it suits them. He’s gone from OMG I wasn’t understood and she wouldn’t try to “calling off” the separation and going back to the relationship? As if. they were never properly separated in the first place.

OP walk away with your head held high - don’t waste any more of your time on him. Delete and block - it will feel very hard but believe me it will be for the best.

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