Page 2 | Dating separated Dad

Devonyogamum · 2025-04-13T07:59:41+00:00

I’m a single mum. Dating an amazing man that separated last year. He’s not going for divorce as he wants his kids to remain in the family home until they have finished GCSEs next year. Then they will divorce and split the finances. This is to save disruption for the children at this time in education . He lives in his own house. He instigated the separation, they grew apart physically and emotionally over many years and his wife is not interested in reconnection regardless of him dragging her to counselling over the years. So he left. But it killed him to do so but he did it. Am I being naive or is this ok? This tether to his wife, I’m not keen on it.

Widowerwouldyou · 13/04/2025 09:30

TwistedWonder · 13/04/2025 09:22

Personally, I wouldn’t touch a separated but not divorced for sake of kids’ bloke with a bargepole, surgically one that moves into a new relationship very quickly.

They won’t have done any work on themselves or had time to be alone and self reflect which imo is essential after the end of a LTR.

The likelihood is being the rebound and unpaid therapist getting them ready for the next woman after you.

This is very common. Don’t be the ‘transition’ woman. Wait until he has actually moved out.

HouseOfHaribo · 13/04/2025 09:31

How much of the time do his DC live with him? This bit is very important.

Also, if he can afford to live alone at the moment, why does he want to sell the family home straight after GCSEs? It’s still a huge disruption for children, why not wait until 18?

Upsidedownsides · 13/04/2025 09:31

He loved his wife, sad it ended, and is putting of divorce. Hmmm

They might not be able to reconcile themselves to the fact that it is over or make the final leap. How long after their split did you meet?

Is their a secret hope they can find common ground again. Separating can be a test to see if divorce is right. Only you know.

What has made you start asking these questions after a year?

Upsidedownsides · 13/04/2025 09:32

HouseOfHaribo · 13/04/2025 09:31

How much of the time do his DC live with him? This bit is very important.

Also, if he can afford to live alone at the moment, why does he want to sell the family home straight after GCSEs? It’s still a huge disruption for children, why not wait until 18?

Why not wait until they’ve finished uni? Or moved out? I’d be worried there’s always another reason, another exam…

Coconutter24 · 13/04/2025 09:32

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/04/2025 09:25

So he chose to have no time at all to work on himself, learn who he is as a single parent, focus on his kids coping with their parents breakup, just immediately started dating you?
It doesn't sound fantastic. Will he not want to date lots of women or focus on the final few years of raising his kids?

Will he not want to date lots of women or focus on the final few years of raising his kids?

Why would he want to date lots of women just because he separated from his wife? He found op and started dating her and they now have a relationship. He can focus on his kids and have a relationship. Parents do get time to themselves when living separately from children he is allowed to have a life

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/04/2025 09:32

@Widowerwouldyou he has moved out, but immediately jumped into dating OP rather than working on himself.
@Coconutter24 because men whose marriages end tend to think there'll be women queuing up to date them 😄 after being in a relationship for decades it's unlikely that anyone would want an immediate long term new girlfriend.
Dating and moving house would indicate that he's not fully engaged with raising his kids at this awful time in their lives 🤷‍♀️

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 09:33

deeahgwitch · 13/04/2025 09:25

You haven’t answered these very important questions@Devonyogamum

Show quote history

Which generally speaking is an answer in itself
no

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 09:35

Devonyogamum · 13/04/2025 09:24

Exactly this. He is. I’m just protecting myself I guess. Wondering if a delayed divorce for these reasons is ok, surely this happens. Two new homes is horribly disruptive for the children so I can see that they are minimising risk.

A consent order is interesting.

It’s not “interesting” so much as totally the norm
divorce isn’t quick
if he and his ex wanted to, they could get the wheels in motion and the financial split post exams reflected in CO. Simple as that.

But I’m guessing you’ve been kept very very much at arms length. Ever been to his house for instance?

Omgblueskys · 13/04/2025 09:36

Devonyogamum · 13/04/2025 09:16

They grew apart. Nothing bad, just an emotional and physical drift. He was very sad about the loss, as was she, but it was reality that it was over. He cares very much that divorcing and forcing the sale of the family home will be too disruptive for their education and wellbeing. My question is, is this ok? Should I feel wary that he doesn’t want to divorce for this reason.

Op I separated from me x and divorce 14 yrs later, we had young adult son and partner living in family home so for me to go all guns blasing ' divorce ' selling properly ' just didn't feel right, we were always amicable tho,
I was the one to leave all the same reasons but still devastating wasn't easy to walk away and took me a while to come to terms with change, there's no time scale on how one heals but for sure the children and keeping it ok' amicable ' was key for us, we here of those who split up and it becomes a war zone, maybe that's what he's avoiding right now,
I am divorce now, easy peasey, was just a formality, both agreed to all in divorce ticked all the boxes, done, but I honestly believe it was because we kept it amicable, which I understand doesn't always happen

Sherry1978 · 13/04/2025 09:46

Wish every new woman had the opportunity to go for coffee with the ex. Would be a massive eye opener!

TooMuchRedMaybe · 13/04/2025 09:53

Devonyogamum · 13/04/2025 09:24

Exactly this. He is. I’m just protecting myself I guess. Wondering if a delayed divorce for these reasons is ok, surely this happens. Two new homes is horribly disruptive for the children so I can see that they are minimising risk.

A consent order is interesting.

It's not OK for those reasons because those reasons aren't real reasons not to get a divorce. Just because you divorce it doesn't mean the house has to be sold, that is part of the financial settlement and they can just include her staying in the house with the kids for a certain amount of time as a part of the agreement. You are currently dating a married man who is refusing to get a divorce, a married man who desperately wanted to keep his wife, a married man who hasn't accepted that his marriage is over because it isn't. Even if he started divorce proceedings next year, it will most likely be another year or two before it's all done. Are you prepared to be 4 years in and still dating a married man?

femfemlicious · 13/04/2025 09:58

I wouldn't want to be with a man who isn't actively at least in the middle of the divorce process. Why not start the divorce?. It may work out or it may not

FinallyHere · 13/04/2025 10:05

Yeah, no problem but I’d really want to have independent corroboration of his story, just to make sure I had not misunderstood any details.

ask him to set up a ‘coffee and catch up’ for you and his ex, so that you can get everything clarified.

NameChangedOfc · 13/04/2025 10:18

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 09:04

He’s painted quite the picture of him being a prince and his ex being unreasonable hasn’t he

Yep

Vatsallfolks · 13/04/2025 10:18

Bloody hell could most of you be more negative ! You a seem to have such exacting standards for any relationship that even one misdemeanour would have you all screaming LTB !
As for @Widowerwouldyouwhy the hell should he work on himself ? He sounds like a lovey man whose marriage ended . Not some kind of wife beating narcissist.

As for Divorce. Ex and I didn’t crack on with it until 5 years later. Just didn’t see the need. Neither of us wanted to remarry at the time and divorce is a horrible process. Our focus was just to keep the kids as undisrupted as possible whilst dad moved out and we negotiated childcare across two homes. That was quite enough at the time.

As for dating and rebound how the hell does anyone know. It’s not a pre -requisite of anyone who has left a relationship . I met my now DH a month after I separated. He had been separated 2 months. We’ve been married 18 years now but I guess that’s just a very long rebound ..

Enjoy your relationship OP. Don’t fret about the divorce. It will happen when they are ready .

Vatsallfolks · 13/04/2025 10:18

Bloody hell could most of you be more negative ! You a seem to have such exacting standards for any relationship that even one misdemeanour would have you all screaming LTB !
As for @Widowerwouldyouwhy the hell should he work on himself ? He sounds like a lovey man whose marriage ended . Not some kind of wife beating narcissist.

As for Divorce. Ex and I didn’t crack on with it until 5 years later. Just didn’t see the need. Neither of us wanted to remarry at the time and divorce is a horrible process. Our focus was just to keep the kids as undisrupted as possible whilst dad moved out and we negotiated childcare across two homes. That was quite enough at the time.

As for dating and rebound how the hell does anyone know. It’s not a pre -requisite of anyone who has left a relationship . I met my now DH a month after I separated. He had been separated 2 months. We’ve been married 18 years now but I guess that’s just a very long rebound ..

Enjoy your relationship OP. Don’t fret about the divorce. It will happen when they are ready .

Omgblueskys · 13/04/2025 10:25

Vatsallfolks · 13/04/2025 10:18

Bloody hell could most of you be more negative ! You a seem to have such exacting standards for any relationship that even one misdemeanour would have you all screaming LTB !
As for @Widowerwouldyouwhy the hell should he work on himself ? He sounds like a lovey man whose marriage ended . Not some kind of wife beating narcissist.

As for Divorce. Ex and I didn’t crack on with it until 5 years later. Just didn’t see the need. Neither of us wanted to remarry at the time and divorce is a horrible process. Our focus was just to keep the kids as undisrupted as possible whilst dad moved out and we negotiated childcare across two homes. That was quite enough at the time.

As for dating and rebound how the hell does anyone know. It’s not a pre -requisite of anyone who has left a relationship . I met my now DH a month after I separated. He had been separated 2 months. We’ve been married 18 years now but I guess that’s just a very long rebound ..

Enjoy your relationship OP. Don’t fret about the divorce. It will happen when they are ready .

Totally agree with this 👌

LeonardCohensFamousBlueRaincoat · 13/04/2025 10:50

Devonyogamum · 13/04/2025 09:24

Exactly this. He is. I’m just protecting myself I guess. Wondering if a delayed divorce for these reasons is ok, surely this happens. Two new homes is horribly disruptive for the children so I can see that they are minimising risk.

A consent order is interesting.

There's already 2 homes if he's got himself a new place

Naunet · 13/04/2025 11:20

This doesn't make any sense, there will be a reason for that.

CharSiu · 13/04/2025 11:24

Would not touch him with a barge pole.

Plus divorce can take ages, my friends is ongoing 2 years almost.

Bibi12 · 13/04/2025 11:28

His reasons for not divorcing his ex don't matter. It's not your job to facilitate him at your own cost.
I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who is still financial and legally tied to his wife and not even in process of divorce.
He's not ready for serious relationship.

Diarygirlqueen · 13/04/2025 11:33

He left his wife last year and you said you've been with him over a year?!
I wouldn't be with him, I think it's great he's thinking of his family, but you're in a vulnerable position.

BornSandyDevotional · 13/04/2025 11:36

If the child is in Yr11 next year, they're old enough to be aware (and quite angry) that dad is not really present and has a side piece.

I don't really see why leaving during Yr12 is any different?

I wonder if his wife knows his plans.

researchers3 · 13/04/2025 11:36

The actual divorce and then splitting finances are two very separate things.

He can apply for a divorce online today and get the ball rolling. There are a few stages to progress through before it's done and it's only the very final bit that you're advised not to do prior to finances being sorted.

IOYOYO · 13/04/2025 11:38

I have a good friend who met her partner whilst he was still married to his ex. They’d agreed not to divorce until their child was 16, but they had totally separated. He lived in the family home, and his ex moved out (no idea of how they managed finances post split, but it was amicable) they shared custody of their child, and continued to do so until their 16th birthday when they filed for divorce. My friend and partner have had a long term relationship and created a happy blended family, his child and ex-wife included.

I don’t think the divorce, or lack thereof, is a red flag. Moreover, I’d base my opinions on how separate he seems from his wife, and how open he’s been about his relationship with you. I understand that it can take time to introduce new partners to family and kids, but if you’ve been together a year and not met them, maybe now is the time to do that. If he’s not willing to put your relationship out in the open, I’d let that be your guide. I don’t think these things are as clear cut as some people would suggest, but I’d follow your instincts here. Good luck.