Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend's mom is manipulating and guilt tripping him into trying to break up with me and keep him from moving in with me.

56 replies

MyAlertCyanDeer · 12/04/2025 07:52

So I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months now and suddenly for some reason unknown to me my boyfriend's mom has decided that I am distracting him from the things he needs to do which are actually things I've been helping do better at and making sure he does what needs to be done.
He has stated that he doesn't want to break up but he feels that his mom supports him financially so much that he couldn't afford to leave but also feels like that is his mom and that he would doing the wrong thing by choosing to come live with me instead of staying with her.
The way he words things when talking about the situation sounds very much like mom is manipulating him with his currently financial status and threatening to take away her support if he isn't single. Also sounds like a lot of guilt trip with him saying but she's always been there for me and supported me. Now I am in no way trying to tell him to cut his mom out of his life but he also thinks if he was to choose to move out of there and move in with me that his mother would never talk to him again, once again in my eyes a manipulation. I don't understand where this came from because from my understanding me and his mom got along and saw eye to eye on a lot of things when it comes to my boyfriend so for her to all of a sudden feel like I'm such a threat that needs to be removed. The only thing I can think of is that she didn't like the idea of him moving out and being able to have a family outside of her.
That's actually partly why I'm making this post so both him and I can see what people think about the situation. This whole situation really bothers and hurts me because I don't believe I have done anything to bring this on from her other than her not wanting him to leave.
I don't know what to do moving forward in this situation. We still talk to each other everyday we just don't see each other as much as we were but for me that's extremely hard. I don't see this as normal mom behavior... At 26 years old I don't think he should be receiving ultimatums from his mom about his relationships just because he was thinking of moving in with me.
How can I approach either him or his mom in order to fix this situation? Or do I just give it some time and see how things unfold and hope that he sees the situation like I do? I really care about him a lot and our connection is amazing. I don't want to make him feel like he has to choose between his mom and me.
Thanks for any and all advice on this.

OP posts:
ForCheeryHedgehog · 12/04/2025 07:56

At 26 he shouldn't need his mother or his girlfriend to run his life or help him do better. He really shouldn't be so financially reliant on his mother he literally feels the need to do what she tells him. He should have a spine and a bit of self respect. You can do better. Can you imagine having to do all of the heavy lifting with this guy forever? God, don't have kids with him

Spirallingdownwards · 12/04/2025 07:57

Why is he being financially supported by his mother? And in what way? Does he not work? Is he studying or training? If studying perhaps its just practical reasons that he simply can't afford to contribute to rent and bills or get into debt trying to do so whilst still studying/training. So his mother (parents?) have agreed to support him during study but can only afford to do so if he lives at home.

There isn't enough detail around what he is doing and what the financial support entails to advise you properly.

MissDoubleU · 12/04/2025 07:58

ForCheeryHedgehog · 12/04/2025 07:56

At 26 he shouldn't need his mother or his girlfriend to run his life or help him do better. He really shouldn't be so financially reliant on his mother he literally feels the need to do what she tells him. He should have a spine and a bit of self respect. You can do better. Can you imagine having to do all of the heavy lifting with this guy forever? God, don't have kids with him

This exactly. He has his mummy and you fighting over who can take care of him best..? Why isn’t this prince taking care of himself?

Barbadosgirl · 12/04/2025 07:59

I think the first thing that springs to mind is why is a 26 year old man being financially supported by his mum?

MissDoubleU · 12/04/2025 08:03

Barbadosgirl · 12/04/2025 07:59

I think the first thing that springs to mind is why is a 26 year old man being financially supported by his mum?

I would be concerned he is angling for OP to step in and say she will be his financial security.

You haven’t been together long enough to move in. Especially if he’s never lived alone. He will expect you to fill the mother role and take care of him. It sounds like he’s already expecting you to guide him more than be an equal partner himself. Throw this one back or wait until it matures.

Fgfgfg · 12/04/2025 08:03

As you've only been with him for a few months maybe she thinks it's too soon for you to move in together. Maybe he thinks it's too soon and is using his mum as an excuse.

AgnesX · 12/04/2025 08:04

If you're planning on moving in after "a few months" and he can't support himself unaided I think you should be thanking her. How is he going to support himself..

Birdseyetrifle · 12/04/2025 08:04

You both sound like controlling women and he’s lapping up the attention. He doesn’t want to move in with you and is using his mum as an excuse.

Hes a grown man and should be managing his life himself. He sounds pathetic.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 12/04/2025 08:05

You've posted this on Gransnet too. My advice is walk away from the whole sorry mess.

Floranan · 12/04/2025 08:05

There has to be more to the story than being told here. Why is he financially not independent? Why does he need his mother for day to day support and what with. Does he work ? Is he a student?

in my experience there’s two sides for every story and you need to dig deeper and see why he feels he can’t leave his family home . Something must have happened to have his mother change towards you. You need to find out what

PishPish · 12/04/2025 08:07

Agree with pps. Why is a 26 year old being supported by his mother? Why are you even contemplating moving in together this soon?

Catchingrays · 12/04/2025 08:08

It’s up to him then really. His mother can’t actually stop him from moving out. It’s unusual for a man of that age to be so dependent on his mother and not healthy so I wouldn’t fight for him.

GodDamnItFML · 12/04/2025 08:08

I think you’re being a bit hasty moving in together after only dating for a few months, please take time to really think about this carefully as by the sounds of it he’s gonna end up financially dependent on you (which isn’t a problem in solid, mature relationships)

worst of all he seems very enmeshed with his mum which is not a good sign for a 26yr old, this is unlikely to change even if you marry (assuming that’s where this is headed) and it will be a massive strain on your relationship

set clear boundaries from the get go with this guy otherwise resentment will set in

NotsosunnyShropshire · 12/04/2025 08:11

You can do better.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 12/04/2025 08:11

Why would he / you expect his mother to continue to support him when he lives elsewhere? At 26 he shouldn't need his mum supporting him financially - he should be standing on his own two feet.

Barbadosgirl · 12/04/2025 08:54

MissDoubleU · 12/04/2025 08:03

I would be concerned he is angling for OP to step in and say she will be his financial security.

You haven’t been together long enough to move in. Especially if he’s never lived alone. He will expect you to fill the mother role and take care of him. It sounds like he’s already expecting you to guide him more than be an equal partner himself. Throw this one back or wait until it matures.

That struck my mind too: moving in discussion after a few months dating sounds potentially quite early.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2025 09:20

Are you based in the US?. I ask only as you use the word mom repeatedly.

Now you know exactly why he cannot stand on his own two feet; his mother will never allow it. She is treating her son like her surrogate husband. His mother has groomed her son to believe that he is responsible for her happiness and unhappiness. She has driven this home over and over again as he is growing up. Mom will treat her son more like a husband than a son, expecting him to take care of her above all others. Her goal isn't to make him self sufficient. It is for him to turn to her for everything, do everything for her and be number one in her life. No one is allowed to be more important to him than her, certainly not a woman.

You and he are therefore most unlikely to ever move in together and besides which a few months in is far too early to be thinking about that.

You need to read up on and a lot more about familial enmeshment because this is what you are up against regarding him. Honestly I would walk away now from both him and his abusive dysfunctional mother in tow. Both are overtly involved in each other's lives.

He is enmeshed with his mother both financially and emotionally since childhood and their unhealthy bond will not be broken easily if at all. He cannot make decisions on his own without her approval. Furthermore such people do feel guilty and or ashamed if they do not comply with their families wishes. He will have to put in the hard work through therapy in order to overcome their enmeshment and that could take years. And there is no guarantee he'd ever go into therapy.

You will just continue to be further disappointed and or hurt by him if you remain with him. He is far more afraid of his mother and will always seek her approval which she will never give him. Your love is not enough and this cannot be fixed. Do not waste years trying to be some sort of rescuer or saviour here to him because neither approach works.

Where are your parents here; how supportive are they?. You need to rebuild your life without him in it.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 12/04/2025 09:31

He is not sufficiently mature for a committed, live-in relationship. And, kindly, I’m not sure you are either. This just isn’t how adults talk about committed relationships. It’s early to be thinking about moving in together. And it’s not a situation in which he needs to choose between his mom and you. You’ve only been seeing each other a few months!

And, if he can be manipulated by his mother to this extent, why would you want him, or her in your life going forward? Imagine having her for a mother-in-law when your husband puts her needs above yours. He will either decide he likes you enough that no-one else’s view matters, or he won’t. And neither you, nor his mother, should be driving that decision.

outerspacepotato · 12/04/2025 09:40

First, it's only been a few months, too soon to move in.

Is this 26 year old who is being financially supported by his mom expecting you to support him? Why isn't he financially independent?

This guy is severely enmeshed with his mama and that will always be a big problem that you're unlikely to overcome.

He's going to move from his mom's home to yours without ever having to adult on his own. You're going to be taking care of him just like his mom.

Red flags galore here.

FidosMum84 · 12/04/2025 09:59

This is far too soon to move in together. His mum may feel like this, which is entirely reasonable or he may not want to and his mum is the excuse.
Either way, if he’s financially supported by her and she cuts him off, who is going to share the bills if you live together? This sounds like he’s too immature to live with you anyway.

Bananalanacake · 12/04/2025 15:16

Why can't you enjoy a casual relationship without moving in, you don't even have to see his mother if you don't want to. Though I'd be wary of dating a man who is financially dependent on his mum. Hope he works.

heroinechic · 12/04/2025 15:24

You’ve only been together a few months! It’s too early to have established a solid relationship with him let alone his mother. Why are you rushing into the idea of moving in?

You have already established that you are in competition with his mum, and therefore one of you will win and one of you will lose. She financially supports him and you’ve only been together a few months. It’s pretty clear which way he’s going to swing.

If you decide to continue with this (which I think is a bad idea tbh) you need to pull back on the idea of him moving in and let this competitive thing with his mum go.

CurlewKate · 12/04/2025 15:29

Why does he need you to help him do better and do what needs to be done?

yeesh · 12/04/2025 15:38

You have only been together a few months it’s much too soon to move in together. Why you want to move in a grown man who can’t even support himself I don’t know. You need to grow up and find someone who is able to take care of themselves

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 12/04/2025 15:44

He is unable to financially support himself. Who's going to be paying all the bills if he moves in with you then?

Big mistake. Huge.