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Original poster

My boyfriend's mom is manipulating and guilt tripping him into trying to break up with me and keep him from moving in with me.

56 replies

MyAlertCyanDeer · 12/04/2025 07:52

So I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months now and suddenly for some reason unknown to me my boyfriend's mom has decided that I am distracting him from the things he needs to do which are actually things I've been helping do better at and making sure he does what needs to be done.
He has stated that he doesn't want to break up but he feels that his mom supports him financially so much that he couldn't afford to leave but also feels like that is his mom and that he would doing the wrong thing by choosing to come live with me instead of staying with her.
The way he words things when talking about the situation sounds very much like mom is manipulating him with his currently financial status and threatening to take away her support if he isn't single. Also sounds like a lot of guilt trip with him saying but she's always been there for me and supported me. Now I am in no way trying to tell him to cut his mom out of his life but he also thinks if he was to choose to move out of there and move in with me that his mother would never talk to him again, once again in my eyes a manipulation. I don't understand where this came from because from my understanding me and his mom got along and saw eye to eye on a lot of things when it comes to my boyfriend so for her to all of a sudden feel like I'm such a threat that needs to be removed. The only thing I can think of is that she didn't like the idea of him moving out and being able to have a family outside of her.
That's actually partly why I'm making this post so both him and I can see what people think about the situation. This whole situation really bothers and hurts me because I don't believe I have done anything to bring this on from her other than her not wanting him to leave.
I don't know what to do moving forward in this situation. We still talk to each other everyday we just don't see each other as much as we were but for me that's extremely hard. I don't see this as normal mom behavior... At 26 years old I don't think he should be receiving ultimatums from his mom about his relationships just because he was thinking of moving in with me.
How can I approach either him or his mom in order to fix this situation? Or do I just give it some time and see how things unfold and hope that he sees the situation like I do? I really care about him a lot and our connection is amazing. I don't want to make him feel like he has to choose between his mom and me.
Thanks for any and all advice on this.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/04/2025 15:44

Crikey, don't try to move a mummy's boy in with you.

What exactly is he going to bring to your table, other than a drain on your finances and probably more work?

Iammatrix · 12/04/2025 15:54

You are never going to win this one!

Together for a few months is way to early to
move in together.

You created this thread for you both to see
responses, would he like to offer a word.

ValentinesGranny · 12/04/2025 16:58

Why would you want anyone to move in after a few months? Personally, I'd run from a 26 year old who was still reliant on the bank of mum and dad, unless he's just finishing a PhD.

RedToothBrush · 12/04/2025 17:00

Run.

He either grows up and decides to stand up to his mum or you just leave him.

None of this is worth it if you have to dance around his mother. He will never consider you otherwise.

NotsosunnyShropshire · 12/04/2025 17:04

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2025 09:20

Are you based in the US?. I ask only as you use the word mom repeatedly.

Now you know exactly why he cannot stand on his own two feet; his mother will never allow it. She is treating her son like her surrogate husband. His mother has groomed her son to believe that he is responsible for her happiness and unhappiness. She has driven this home over and over again as he is growing up. Mom will treat her son more like a husband than a son, expecting him to take care of her above all others. Her goal isn't to make him self sufficient. It is for him to turn to her for everything, do everything for her and be number one in her life. No one is allowed to be more important to him than her, certainly not a woman.

You and he are therefore most unlikely to ever move in together and besides which a few months in is far too early to be thinking about that.

You need to read up on and a lot more about familial enmeshment because this is what you are up against regarding him. Honestly I would walk away now from both him and his abusive dysfunctional mother in tow. Both are overtly involved in each other's lives.

He is enmeshed with his mother both financially and emotionally since childhood and their unhealthy bond will not be broken easily if at all. He cannot make decisions on his own without her approval. Furthermore such people do feel guilty and or ashamed if they do not comply with their families wishes. He will have to put in the hard work through therapy in order to overcome their enmeshment and that could take years. And there is no guarantee he'd ever go into therapy.

You will just continue to be further disappointed and or hurt by him if you remain with him. He is far more afraid of his mother and will always seek her approval which she will never give him. Your love is not enough and this cannot be fixed. Do not waste years trying to be some sort of rescuer or saviour here to him because neither approach works.

Where are your parents here; how supportive are they?. You need to rebuild your life without him in it.

People in the Birmingham/Black Country area also say Mom, not Mum.

stardustbiscuits · 12/04/2025 17:11

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2025 09:20

Are you based in the US?. I ask only as you use the word mom repeatedly.

Now you know exactly why he cannot stand on his own two feet; his mother will never allow it. She is treating her son like her surrogate husband. His mother has groomed her son to believe that he is responsible for her happiness and unhappiness. She has driven this home over and over again as he is growing up. Mom will treat her son more like a husband than a son, expecting him to take care of her above all others. Her goal isn't to make him self sufficient. It is for him to turn to her for everything, do everything for her and be number one in her life. No one is allowed to be more important to him than her, certainly not a woman.

You and he are therefore most unlikely to ever move in together and besides which a few months in is far too early to be thinking about that.

You need to read up on and a lot more about familial enmeshment because this is what you are up against regarding him. Honestly I would walk away now from both him and his abusive dysfunctional mother in tow. Both are overtly involved in each other's lives.

He is enmeshed with his mother both financially and emotionally since childhood and their unhealthy bond will not be broken easily if at all. He cannot make decisions on his own without her approval. Furthermore such people do feel guilty and or ashamed if they do not comply with their families wishes. He will have to put in the hard work through therapy in order to overcome their enmeshment and that could take years. And there is no guarantee he'd ever go into therapy.

You will just continue to be further disappointed and or hurt by him if you remain with him. He is far more afraid of his mother and will always seek her approval which she will never give him. Your love is not enough and this cannot be fixed. Do not waste years trying to be some sort of rescuer or saviour here to him because neither approach works.

Where are your parents here; how supportive are they?. You need to rebuild your life without him in it.

Wow there’s a lot of assumptions and judgements made there!! Poor woman probably just doesn’t want her son shacking up with the wrong girl too soon!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2025 17:14

Do you think this is emotionally healthy stardust?. You are in a minority of one if so. Would you want to date such a man, a man of 26 who cannot stand on his own two feet due to his mother?.

Streaaa · 12/04/2025 17:23

What on earth are you doing trying to get a mummys boy to move in with you.

He is happy with mummy.
Leave him alone.
Mummys boys make the worst husbands and fathers.
They are enmeshed with their mothers in a very unhealthy way and have never fully detached and never really reach manhood.

Save yourself the grief.
You are only 26, why settle for so little.
Move on.
Leave him to it.
They never change.

LadyLucyWells · 12/04/2025 17:25

Hasn’t he got a mind of his own?

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 12/04/2025 17:32

This is a mess.

If he 'chooses' you then he will throw it back in your face forever.

You actually only seem to have his word that his mum is doing half of this stuff as well.

He's got you dancing a merry little pick me dance alongside his own Mum, and you're so blinded by this guy that you're willingly going along with it.

Best case scenario for you is that he moves in with you, you support him financially out of guilt, and you end up with a MIL who dislikes you and you'll be playing this game of making him choose forever.

Cut your losses, there are millions of men in this world, there is absolutely nothing special about this wannabe cock lodger.

Doitrightnow · 12/04/2025 17:52

At 26 I was engaged to a man who sounds like your boyfriend. We weren't living together because we were waiting for marriage but as soon as we got engaged his mum behaved similarly to your boyfriend's mum.

Threats were extreme and included refusing to come to the wedding, trying to convince him that I was mentally disturbed, refusing to speak to him if he didn't break up with me, summoning him to her house where I don't know what she did but whatever it was resulted in him missing three days of work because he was so traumatised. Drove him to a nervous breakdown. We did break up because he couldn't shake the guilt of "destroying his family" or overcome the doubts about our relationship that she'd planted. It was truly the worst time of both of our lives.

I, like you, didn't want to make him choose. Didn't stop his mother making him choose. So ultimately he had to.

With hindsight I wish I'd told that witch exactly what I thought of her!

"Toxic in-laws" was a good read.

Tbh I would advise against continuing with the relationship unless he shows he can tell mummy no.

FridaFancy · 13/04/2025 13:09

There is so much wrong with this I don’t know where to start. Firstly, why on earth are you even contemplating approaching his mother? The issue is between you and him, and him and his mother. Secondly, bear in mind that how he describes what she says may or may not be an accurate reflection of what she actually says. Finally, why are you helping him do things better? He’s an adult and should be sorting his own stuff out and not relying on women in his life vying for his attention and taking care of his adult responsibilities for him. You sound controlling, he sounds lazy.

Misspotterer · 13/04/2025 13:14

Honestly I wouldn't consider living with a man who's never lived independently from his mother, bad idea. And why would you want to live with someone after such a short relationship? Slow down.

Pherian · 13/04/2025 13:16

MyAlertCyanDeer · 12/04/2025 07:52

So I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months now and suddenly for some reason unknown to me my boyfriend's mom has decided that I am distracting him from the things he needs to do which are actually things I've been helping do better at and making sure he does what needs to be done.
He has stated that he doesn't want to break up but he feels that his mom supports him financially so much that he couldn't afford to leave but also feels like that is his mom and that he would doing the wrong thing by choosing to come live with me instead of staying with her.
The way he words things when talking about the situation sounds very much like mom is manipulating him with his currently financial status and threatening to take away her support if he isn't single. Also sounds like a lot of guilt trip with him saying but she's always been there for me and supported me. Now I am in no way trying to tell him to cut his mom out of his life but he also thinks if he was to choose to move out of there and move in with me that his mother would never talk to him again, once again in my eyes a manipulation. I don't understand where this came from because from my understanding me and his mom got along and saw eye to eye on a lot of things when it comes to my boyfriend so for her to all of a sudden feel like I'm such a threat that needs to be removed. The only thing I can think of is that she didn't like the idea of him moving out and being able to have a family outside of her.
That's actually partly why I'm making this post so both him and I can see what people think about the situation. This whole situation really bothers and hurts me because I don't believe I have done anything to bring this on from her other than her not wanting him to leave.
I don't know what to do moving forward in this situation. We still talk to each other everyday we just don't see each other as much as we were but for me that's extremely hard. I don't see this as normal mom behavior... At 26 years old I don't think he should be receiving ultimatums from his mom about his relationships just because he was thinking of moving in with me.
How can I approach either him or his mom in order to fix this situation? Or do I just give it some time and see how things unfold and hope that he sees the situation like I do? I really care about him a lot and our connection is amazing. I don't want to make him feel like he has to choose between his mom and me.
Thanks for any and all advice on this.

It’s up to him to draw boundaries with his mother and assert himself as an adult and make his own choices.

This is not for you to fix.

After a few months is a bit quick to move in together. Slow things down and give him some space to work on his issues with his mom. Protect yourself though and don’t get wrapped up into trying to fix a man. Walk away if it’s just hard work and he’s letting his mother to continue to choose for him.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 13/04/2025 13:25

Does he have a job? How/why is she financially supporting a 26 year old man? in all honesty if he wanted to be with you he wouldn’t care about the financial side of it and stand on his own two feet and be independent.

On the other side. Is he lying and using his mum as a reason not to be with you?

In either of these scenarios he needs to just grow a back bone!! He comes across as a man child in all honesty

CosyLemur · 13/04/2025 13:33

I financially support my 26 year old nephew (I'm his legal guardian) he's not long out of university so hasn't been working long and he's trying to save to buy or rent a property himself whilst also paying off his student loan. I can afford to do why shouldn't I?
26 is only just really a young adult, why does Mumsnet seem to think that at 18 every person in the world is suddenly financially secure and suddenly has their whole life together?

LuvACustardCream · 13/04/2025 13:38

Good grief woman. Why are you even thinking of moving in together so soon? You barely know each other. His relationship with his mother is his business. She's probably concerned about the relationship moving too fast.
You seem controlling. It's not up to you how he lives his life. He needs to decide what he wants - the sensible option would be for him to move to his own place so he can grow up a bit.

Lights22 · 13/04/2025 13:58

What is does he "need to do" and you're helping him be better with?

What has his mum actually said to you/him? Hard to provide any balanced response without knowing what has actually been said, as opposed to your feelings on the situation.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 13/04/2025 14:04

Walk away. You don’t want to build a life together from a man who is that enmeshed with his mother. He needs to grow up.

MistyMoistyMorningCloud · 13/04/2025 14:08

So is he living at his mum's and not working, his mum wants him to find a job and thinks you're distracting him from finding a job? If so no moving him to yours is not the answer, he should learn to be independent before depending on you instead.

FigTreeInEurope · 13/04/2025 14:23

CosyLemur · 13/04/2025 13:33

I financially support my 26 year old nephew (I'm his legal guardian) he's not long out of university so hasn't been working long and he's trying to save to buy or rent a property himself whilst also paying off his student loan. I can afford to do why shouldn't I?
26 is only just really a young adult, why does Mumsnet seem to think that at 18 every person in the world is suddenly financially secure and suddenly has their whole life together?

Presumably your nephew has a disability though? It's not normal for a 26 year old, otherwise healthy man, to have a court appointed guardian is it?

At 26, i'd left home, had a wild time, gone to prison, served and been released, got a job, alongside college, then uni, bought a house to rent out, got married and was living on a canal boat. 26 is a quarter of a very long life!

Horserider5678 · 13/04/2025 14:25

To be honest you sound as bad as his mother! You are both jealous of each other and are having a competition over his affection! If I were him I’d dump you both!

Klozza · 13/04/2025 14:38

Agree with everything everyone else says.

  1. Why is a 26 year old being financially supported by his mum? Is he disabled in some way that means he can’t work? Is he unable to get fulltime work due to studying? Some other reason?
  2. As someone who has made the unfortunate decision of letting a man move in with them after a few months, do. not. do. it. A few months is definitely not long enough to know someone well enough to know you want to live with them, and once he’s in your house it will be hard to get him out.
  3. Overall just from what you’ve wrote this whole thing sounds awful, it sounds like a first relationship or something. Has he ever moved out of his mums before? (Not saying anything against those who haven’t at 26 for legitimate reasons). Honestly do not waste your 20’s on this guy.
Welshmonster · 13/04/2025 15:41

Leave now before you get too involved. Does he have a job? What is his mum paying for?

Do you want him to move in with you and then you just take over as a mother that he has sex with?

what about if you have kids? Will he still put his mummy first?

MrsRaspberry · 13/04/2025 15:52

At the big age of 26 years old he should not be reliant on the financial support of mummy. Sounds like your boyfriend needs to grow up and learn how to live like an adult. I wouldn't even consider moving him in until he can learn to be responsible for himself otherwise he'll be financially relying on you if his mother cuts off funding from her he feels that he needs