How can I improve our marriage & my life?

[PatheticDistraction]

As a bit of background, It’s coming up to our 10 year anniversary, and DH and I have been together 17 years.

I’m 7 months pregnant & we have a 6 year old DS who is non verbal & profoundly autistic, he is high needs and doesn’t sleep reliably.

We moved from the city 3 years ago to a very rural area to be closer to family & for an environment to better suit our son - it really was the best decision for our son, and my DH.

For me it has been very isolating & lonely - I don’t have any friends here, and due to location & DS’ needs, I can’t do playdates or meet other parents (although I do try and partake in online carer groups).

I recently got made redundant from a career I was very invested in - my need to work remotely no longer benefited the company - and I’ll need to look for a new career once maternity leave is over - but opportunities here are very limited.

DH has fortunately managed to fall back into his social circle from his younger years, and has 2 hobbies which take him out of the house 4 evenings & 1 morning a week. I am genuinely happy for him, as life with DS is unrelenting. But this leaves us with no quality time together - we can’t get babysitters due to DS’ needs, and one of us always needs to be with him. If spending a day as a family, all we can do is go to empty playparks with DS or drive to a fast food takeaway, he can’t manage going to a cafe or any other busy children’s attractions.

This genuinely doesn’t seem to worry DH, I don’t think I factor highly into his priorities or that he misses me or spending time with me in any way.

Since trying for a baby, our sex life has stopped, so whilst we co exist alongside one another, there is little affection & it can feel
loveless.

I find this almost impossible to raise with him - I easily get upset & feel hopeless at my situation, and he becomes defensive if I try and talk about it. I suggested counselling a few months ago and he hit the roof.

I just don’t know what to do to improve things between us, and how to communicate with him. I feel like I’m a miserable burden & there is no way to make things better. Thank you if you got this far.

Have the two of you spoken about how life will change when you have the baby? You say you actively ttc so presumably you discussed how your family will accommodate a baby, not least given DS’s very high level needs. Is he going to carry on going out 4 nights a week while you juggle DS and a newborn?

I don’t think you can improve your marriage by yourself. He seems to have agreed to a second child then immediately detached from you and checked out. Do you know why?

It sounds extremely difficult and not very optimistic. Do you think he wants out or is he just happy to do his own thing while you sit at home unhappy?

I think the intensity of his hobby will reduce, he’s currently working towards a big event in May & through the summer it will just be a night a week plus a Saturday event. I still can’t see what DH and I would do together outside of this as quality time.

TBH - in terms of the baby, it’s unlikely to change my life much - as I’m already predominantly housebound due to DS’ needs (when he’s not at school) - the only thing that will probably stop are our drive through MacDonalds - which sadly are a highlight of my week.

Sorry - and in answer to your question, I suspect he has checked out, as I don’t have a lot to offer - I don’t do anything outside of our house, so have nothing to add to conversation, and I am certainly depressed by my situation, which I’m sure doesn’t make me fun to be around.

I should add, we don’t even share a bed anymore, as DS needs one of us in with him.

I can't get over how selfish your DH is. You sound so ground down OP, I genuinely feel bad for you.

Please don't be so down on yourself. You are unbelievably strong in the way you deal with so much that would just break other people.

The first thing you need to do is work on your self esteem. Then you'll feel confident in speaking to your husband and expect a little (a lot!!) more from him.

Omg gosh are you ok?

Having one sen child (plus other NT children) it has absolutely broken us / our family / our life. I only think you could understand if you have a sen child ….. (I understand the mc d take out)

Does your child has an EHCP? Any support? Any family to help?

It does sound a very difficult set up - no judging but if my first was a sen child I’d never have any more children (based on how hard it is)

I think you need extra support - life is so hard with a sen child.

I do wish you the best of luck though.

Your DH seems to have a “regular” life and lots of outings. You need more in your life as the plates that are spinning as not equal so resentment will follow ……

You need help in the home and you can’t be expected to look after “your” child. He needs to help more or you need more outside help.

Belive me I’ve been there and I’ve spun the plates for 20 years. I’m walking out now …… Sen children are so hard and sometimes things are impossible - it’s the hardest thing ever being a mum of a Sen child……

I hope your partner will help out more

You say your DS is in school? Is this full time? Can you get out to social things during the day? Maybe pregnancy groups if there are any in your area?
Is there any respite care available for DS?

You need some respite so that you can spend time with each other without your son being there. Have you had a carers needs assessment from the council? You should be able to ask for some help, either a club at the weekends or maybe in school holidays. There might be a big waiting list but you should ask now before you hit breaking point.

Thank you so much for the kind responses- it really is heartening to ‘speak’ with people.

We’ve been turned down for respite 3 times now, we did have a disability social worker for a set time, and she advised trying again when DS turns 8 - apparently that’s the magic age in our LA.

Fortunately DS has an EHCP & is in receipt of DLA, he’s at a specialist setting- which I know makes us lucky.

I haven’t found any social groups local to me in school hours, but I am on a waitlist for a baby sensory course when no. 2 arrives, so I hope that if I get a place, that might open some doors.

I am just so low that the longer this situation continues, the less I want to even get out of bed & I really need to find a way to talk to DH - it just amazes me that he clearly doesn’t see a problem. But this just makes me think I’m not an important part of his life

In response to your post - I know it seems madness to be having a second child, but unlike people who have non-disabled children - we won’t regain any freedom as our son gets get older - so we kind of felt ‘why not?’ Even if our next child has additional needs, we re already in the thick of it so to speak. And I do love DS endlessly, however hard life is. And selfishly, I’d love to know the feeling of having a conversation with a child, of knowing what makes them happy & have that experience of parenting - which we are currently missing. I do appreciate how that might be interpreted as utter madness.

Hi @PatheticDistraction also have a non verbal asd little one who is 6. They arent really that restrictive but in terms of you explaining your decision to have another I completely understand it, I also have a 1 year old now who seems NT. It has been the best decision for us and has helped so much with my older child and us as a family. Not sure where you are but libraries do free baby classes so you could also try them. I just wanted to give you a hug and say you are doing amazing and hopefully DH will get some sense and stay home more. You’re heavily pregnant so he needs to be around to help with DS at this gestation even before little one arrives x

I strongly believe you will be ok as long as your first is at school giving 5 hrs min of freedom, then the baby can fit in as you have a break as such

you will be ok and I hope your number 2 baby will give you both lots of joy and happiness.

As soon as the first child is out of school maybe they will never be out (I hope
the school can always meet needs) That’s when everything will go crazy having a sen child at home and then you will need mega support.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy your new baby 🥰 however your partner does need to be more helpful towards you and appreciate that you need space / a break too

This sounds really sad y0u sound v lonely.
You need toget out = can you do more when ds is at school?
Yes your dh has checked out
Your resentment will grow ,
Imagine20 years from now = can you imagine feeling this sad for this long?

Thank you for your responses- and particularly thank you @SpringtimeGirl for sharing your experience of having a second, it’s a huge comfort.

In answer to other questions - we don’t have regular family support - my Mum has dementia (also part of the reason we moved closer) - and our location prevents family being able to offer regular support.

I think I’m struggling to accept DH not wanting to spend time with me in the same way I would love to spend time with him. Our relationship is central to my life, but I am certainly not to his.

Yes, he is out a lot (too much) but if he could focus on our time together when he’s home, I think it would make a huge difference.

Also - I’m not blind to how I perpetuate the situation, I often feel so let down & low I withdraw - I feel like what’s the point in trying, and I can be defeatist. I feel so wounded at times, that I meet any effort from DH with hostility - and whilst this is mostly because any effort feels minimal or like an afterthought - I know I am part of the issue.

Being so isolated means I I likely overthink, but I cannot shake the feeling of being totally unloved.

Sorry to reignite this thread - I am struggling so badly with the holidays & just the isolation in general.

it’s just reinforcing to me that I’m essentially housebound with DS - I am so exhausted, and have just spent the day trying to keep him safe in our garden in the rain. We had some people in to do work on our house (unexpectedly - they were due to come next week) and I felt so deeply ashamed of how I look and the state of our house.

There is literally nothing enjoyable in my life any more & I have no idea what to do about it.

You sound so sad, @PatheticDistraction and I wish I could help. Can you say what might help? What would make you feel better?

I think the longer this isolation goes on, the harder I find it to see things that would make me happy, I know that makes me sound defeatist.

In the past I got a lot of satisfaction through my work, and every weekend I was doing something with DH or friends - food markets, cinema, restaurants, picnics in the park - we didn’t go away often, but had a few really lovely holidays. That all feels so, so far out of reach now - DS can’t even cope in a cafe for a short time, if we go to a park, one of us is chasing him, keeping him safe - his understanding is so limited.

I have no excitement about this baby - I can’t even muster the energy or care to think of a name.

I’ve done some counselling, but it couldn’t fundamentally change my situation, so it felt unhelpful.

Ahh, lovely, that sounds so hard. It sounds as if you’ve lost all that brought you joy, and your partner has moved onto other things so he isn’t there supporting you. Is that right? How would you feel about leaving your partner so that parenting is shared? Could you then find something that is for you, your own self? Or stay with your partner but ask that he facilitates this for you?

So sorry you’re feeling this way

And with your mum too, it must be so hard.

not sure I have ideas but I wanted to send some kind of vibes to make you know someone cares - I get it

You must really miss working and adult chat…

4 nights at a hobby is so selfish. Even without the other difficulties. I can’t get over that.

I just wanted to echo the support others have given on here. Keep posting and you will receive support, you are not alone. You have been putting others first for a long time. Things can get better.

i think you need some peri-natal mental health support from a psychologist. I also think you probably need to sit DH down and explain calmly that this current life isn't sustainable from a mental health point of view. I wish you good luck making changes.

No helpful advice beyond You need respite care and I was SLACK JAWED when I read this.

and has 2 hobbies which take him out of the house 4 evenings & 1 morning a week.

I actually think this is slightly obscene and I am shocked you are "cool with it"

This isnt a hobby its a fucking part time job!!!!!

Big hugs for you...

He's swimming his way out and leaving you to drown. That's just inhuman. You'd get some respite if you were separated and he had ds 50% of the time.