How can I improve our marriage & my life?

[PatheticDistraction]

As a bit of background, It’s coming up to our 10 year anniversary, and DH and I have been together 17 years.

I’m 7 months pregnant & we have a 6 year old DS who is non verbal & profoundly autistic, he is high needs and doesn’t sleep reliably.

We moved from the city 3 years ago to a very rural area to be closer to family & for an environment to better suit our son - it really was the best decision for our son, and my DH.

For me it has been very isolating & lonely - I don’t have any friends here, and due to location & DS’ needs, I can’t do playdates or meet other parents (although I do try and partake in online carer groups).

I recently got made redundant from a career I was very invested in - my need to work remotely no longer benefited the company - and I’ll need to look for a new career once maternity leave is over - but opportunities here are very limited.

DH has fortunately managed to fall back into his social circle from his younger years, and has 2 hobbies which take him out of the house 4 evenings & 1 morning a week. I am genuinely happy for him, as life with DS is unrelenting. But this leaves us with no quality time together - we can’t get babysitters due to DS’ needs, and one of us always needs to be with him. If spending a day as a family, all we can do is go to empty playparks with DS or drive to a fast food takeaway, he can’t manage going to a cafe or any other busy children’s attractions.

This genuinely doesn’t seem to worry DH, I don’t think I factor highly into his priorities or that he misses me or spending time with me in any way.

Since trying for a baby, our sex life has stopped, so whilst we co exist alongside one another, there is little affection & it can feel
loveless.

I find this almost impossible to raise with him - I easily get upset & feel hopeless at my situation, and he becomes defensive if I try and talk about it. I suggested counselling a few months ago and he hit the roof.

I just don’t know what to do to improve things between us, and how to communicate with him. I feel like I’m a miserable burden & there is no way to make things better. Thank you if you got this far.

I really think I just have nothing to offer any more.

Well let’s start with that little baby you’re growing - I’d say that’s a pretty big thing to offer!

And I’m interested in what your husband has to offer to the marriage - because at the moment it looks like he’s offering very little and putting his own needs first.

I strongly disagree you have nothing to offer - however, if you want to play devils advocate here - it can be hard to be around someone who is very down on themselves, and feels low and like they’ve got nothing to offer. It’s not great behaviour from a DH to be so dismissive and he should recognise the impact him checking out has had on you, but it’s also not his job to ‘fix’ you. So what can you do to feel better about yourself and like you do?

• Make sure you take a night a week for yourself at least - join an online book club, help out at a food bank, take a floristry course, do a research project etc etc. find something that interests you outside of your marriage - for you.
• Do you think you might be depressed? Is it worth speaking to your GP or midwife? Could you get some therapy?
• If he’s into gaming - could you suggest you do it together?

Why do you think having a baby will push you further apart? Surely it could have the opposite effect? Does he not want another child?

You need to talk to your doctor or midwife urgently about how you are feeling. You sounds as though you have pre-natal depression and you are getting absolutely no support from your DH.

His behaviour is selfish and cruel. He spends all the time outside work on hobbies and socialising. You have no time to do any of these things.

You need urgent help from medical professionals and your DH needs to stop putting his needs first.

I’m all for working on ones self and the relationships we are in, however and with respect- fuck that noise!
You aren’t depressed, you are very rightly sad, overwhelmed and isolated. And the kicker here is that the person you have built a life with simply doesn’t care. Anyone who is human would feel exactly the same way as you.
He is quite happily going about his business and life not even counting you as a second thought, he is actively neglecting you when you are at your most vulnerable. He is watching you drown and enjoying himself whilst he watches you trying to tread water and gasp for air.
Get the fuck out of this relationship OR find your anger girl and find it quick. You are worth so much more than what you are putting up with. Tell him to have a real good think about what life without you in it will look like? KNOW YOUR WORTH 💪💐

Please tell your midwife …

My husband moved us somewhere that didn’t work for me and was lazy selfish and cruel in similar but different small ways and didn’t want to engage in counselling. This without the stress of caring for a SEN child was enough to end it for us. Love and respect just get eroded if the basic care and consideration aren’t there and it sounds like this is lacking from your husband. I’m sorry, it sounds an immensely hard place to be.

Ive just been reading “Surrounded by Idiots” and while putting people in personality type boxes is always a bit simplistic, the theories about how different people approach and respond to different things are helping me understand in hindsight why I didn’t get anywhere when I tried to resolve things with him. Possibly worth a read.

Moving out from my husband made me feel so much better on so many levels. I think in your shoes I would try to arrange a weekend off every X weeks when you can visit family/friends, or a regular weeknight you can go stay in a travelodge/bnb and at least call friends/family or even helplines in private.

I wonder if you separated would you be entitled to more respite care if he wouldn’t do 50/50? If money is tight and your house especially adapted, could some kind of nesting be an option, if only to give you some breathing space for a while?

All this is me coming at it in my way though where headspace is everything, and maybe the opposite would help more- encourage your husband to bring friends home even in passing, even throw a little housewarming and do your best to connect positively with people - so he can see you through other peoples eyes who may be more sympathetic and you become something more than just “her indoors”.

It sounds like you are currently disadvantaged in terms of free time, earning potential and local social networks, so even tiny steps in the direction of increasing any of these would potentially benefit you psychologically as well as practically. Socially it can be a lot of hard work to make the first links especially when time money and energy are all in short supply, but once you have just one kind caring contact locally it should all be worth it.

This is a bit of a jumble of thoughts and ideas which may or may not be of any use but mostly I just want to say what a strong person you are dealing with such a tough situation and I hope things shift for you. You sound wise and I’m sure you’ll find the best way forward.

you need to plan some weekends or a week away in London, just you while pregnant or you and the baby once it’s 4 months old. Stay with friends and reconnect. You need to have a break and leave the 7 year old with DH. DH needs to feel the weight of endless days in isolation. You need time to reflect and open up with friends.

Also consider retraining.

locate local baby groups, this will be a great way to connect with new people.

lastly I must mention that I know quite a few sociable who are autistic. The fact he is so obsessed with his hobby and not able to read the room makes me wonder.

He jumps to the defence. When talking to him about things maybe focus on what you feel. ‘I feel so lonely being housebound’ ‘I want to spend time with you’

if he really has no regard for your feelings please consider divorce with 50/50 care.

Once baby is here and a few months old, I’d look into getting yourself a hobby, at least one evening per week. There will be something locally hopefully. I am in a ladies walking group and we meet 3 times a week, 2 in winter. It’s great, especially for those who live alone or just want some adult company. Some of the ladies are also in local book clubs, meeting once per week. Or perhaps you could try some exercise classes. It’s not fair your DH goes out so often without even giving a second thought as to whether you need a break. Very selfish.

What do you do with the time when your son is at school? Why not get out of the house for a long walk? What is there where you live? Library, cafe, pub, anything?

I do go for a walk - although I have PGP at the moment, so any distance is an issue.

It’s the solitude which is tough.

Our village has a pub, which has just reopened after winter. I have been in there to read my book, but feel quite self conscious sat in there for any length of time on my own

Where's the time for just you? 1 evening a week where you get to go swimming, the gym, have a sauna, get your nails done?

Your husband is being very selfish here.

You also need to speak up and say this is what you need.

The solitude sounds so tough with everything else on your plate.Feeling low is a very natural reaction to this.Hope this doesn’t sound patronising, I know the most basic of solutions can feel unhelpful and hard when we are low but I think this is about taking a few small steps to centre yourself in family life as a first goal. Moving into problem solving mode as a first couple of steps:

1. Can you write him a lettter or have a clear conversation in which you are recruiting him as a life partner to help you solve this; can he help you think of ways to find connection and roles outside the home.Tell him you feel stuck and need his help to get your needs met. This will mean him making sacrifices too, you are asking for his help and you deserve his care and attention
2. There are basic things we all need to help our brain chemistry.Like flowers than need sun and water. They are: movement.Can you go for a little walk or swim everyday after dropping DS off.If walking chose a different place each time and explore your new area-use local facebook groups for ideas-maybe choose places with a cafe and treat yourself to a tea and cake every time social connection is another, I hear this is really hard for you in the new place.Can you find a weekly group when DS is at school or in the evening-maybe pregnancy yoga or similar.You can start making connections that way.Even if you don’t feel like it/don’t fancy new mums groups-having some sort of social connection is so important. There might be other things locally-book clubs, nordic walking etc anything that ensures you have a weekly commitment to be with others and make connections.

3 So much of your life seems focused on caring for others.The role you are taking on for your son and parent who is unwell may entitle you to carers support.If so you may want to take it up.This is designed to help you focus on your needs

None of the above will change things radically or stop the hurt that your husbands self centred actions have caused.However it’s a first step in moving things forward in this difficult situation.

I do understand. Certain villages can be difficult when you don’t know anyone or where you don’t gel with those you’ve met (quite possible depending on your personality and certainly no fault of your own!)

@PatheticDistraction i honestly have no advice and I really feel for you. Your husband sounds like a selfish prick … no one’s been direct about this but he is putting his needs first and only seems to be home to eat, get clean clothes and fuck off out again. Apologies, I don’t usually use bad language but your posts are heart breaking and it makes me angry you are being treated like this!

You sound so sad and ground down - understandably so. You are not doing this wrong, you're in a really tough situation.

I'm not sure I can help with marriage advice, beyond your husand is selfish, but practical thoughts from another SEND mum...

Are you signed up with your local carers organisation? They often have an arm/person specifically for parent carers. Different areas offer different things, but even someone to vent to who truly gets it might help. Especially as you're sandwiched between your son's needs and your mum's.

Keep on harassing social care. If your child is non-verbal, in specialist and gets DLA, you ought to be able to access something. I know it's like getting blood from a stone, but keep trying. Does the school have a family support worker or similar who could help?

Does Home Start operate in your area? If so contact them now.

Do talk to your midwife. They may have routes to more support. Pregnancy is hard, especially with everything else you have to cope with. They won't be shocked or horrified.

It's highly probable that either your or your son's dad (or both) are neurodivergent. It's not 100%, but it's likely. It may not look how you think. It doesn't necessarily matter, but it's something to be aware of, especially if you're having communication difficulties in your marriage.

Oh,and do anything you can to find the other SEND parents in your area. Baby groups are fine and you'll probably want some mum friends for the new one too, but other people who truly understand the life you are living are going to be the SEND parents.

Thank you - I am a member of various parent carer groups, I have been to 2 meet ups, but honestly it was so stressful, as DS is not containable & doesn’t have capacity to join in organised activities. His school is an hour’s drive away, and parents are all at a distance - we’re on a whatsapp group, but meeting ip is a challenge. We did an SEN soft play recently, but I just ended up alone trying to keep DS in check (he can inadvertently hurt other children & be rough).

I will definitely look into Home Start.

I really don’t believe DH or I are neurodivergent - as this disconnect has only developed in recent years. Neither one of us shows any indication of being neurodivergent, and we’ve done a huge amount of self reflection, as well as the basic online tools since DS regressed so suddenly.