How can I improve our marriage & my life?

[PatheticDistraction]

As a bit of background, It’s coming up to our 10 year anniversary, and DH and I have been together 17 years.

I’m 7 months pregnant & we have a 6 year old DS who is non verbal & profoundly autistic, he is high needs and doesn’t sleep reliably.

We moved from the city 3 years ago to a very rural area to be closer to family & for an environment to better suit our son - it really was the best decision for our son, and my DH.

For me it has been very isolating & lonely - I don’t have any friends here, and due to location & DS’ needs, I can’t do playdates or meet other parents (although I do try and partake in online carer groups).

I recently got made redundant from a career I was very invested in - my need to work remotely no longer benefited the company - and I’ll need to look for a new career once maternity leave is over - but opportunities here are very limited.

DH has fortunately managed to fall back into his social circle from his younger years, and has 2 hobbies which take him out of the house 4 evenings & 1 morning a week. I am genuinely happy for him, as life with DS is unrelenting. But this leaves us with no quality time together - we can’t get babysitters due to DS’ needs, and one of us always needs to be with him. If spending a day as a family, all we can do is go to empty playparks with DS or drive to a fast food takeaway, he can’t manage going to a cafe or any other busy children’s attractions.

This genuinely doesn’t seem to worry DH, I don’t think I factor highly into his priorities or that he misses me or spending time with me in any way.

Since trying for a baby, our sex life has stopped, so whilst we co exist alongside one another, there is little affection & it can feel
loveless.

I find this almost impossible to raise with him - I easily get upset & feel hopeless at my situation, and he becomes defensive if I try and talk about it. I suggested counselling a few months ago and he hit the roof.

I just don’t know what to do to improve things between us, and how to communicate with him. I feel like I’m a miserable burden & there is no way to make things better. Thank you if you got this far.

Thank you for your kind responses- it’s like a lifeline to have a forum & people to speak to.

I do sometimes wonder whether splitting up would improve things - but I do worry I would find myself even more isolated & vulnerable without a clear career path ahead of me now. I also do love DH - I would love to be able to communicate properly with him, without it spiralling into some sort of perceived attack.

What was his reason for 'hitting the roof' at the idea of relationship counselling?

Another vote for asking your GP for perinatal mental health support.

I really hope that you will be able to join some baby groups once your newest addition arrives. Your life just sounds so isolated, it's no wonder you feel down. I really don't think it's ok for your DH to be doing a hobby four evenings a week plus a morning. That's an insane amount when he has a child - and a disabled child, at that.

Is there anything you could do at home while DS is asleep, or while DH looks after him? I am thinking small things like watching a really good series, a nice bath, maybe something creative as a hobby?

Also I don't know if you are religious at all so this might be totally off mark, but do you have a local church? There are often people wanting to include newcomers and/or offer support.

This.
I do think you need to separate so that you are freed from being carer all the time . Then you can focus on you . You are heading for burnout if things don’t change .

Hey, sorry to hear things feel so difficult. It sounds like an unrelenting situation you must feel very alone and drained.I think the first thing that could start to change the trajectory of this and centre you in family life again would be for your DH to sacrifice 1 of his 5 activities a week and you to reclaim that time to go out once a week to do something for you -not for DS but for yourself, without either of them.Maybe a pregnancy group, a swim in the local pool, a book in a cafe, a walking group? Something regular and meaningful to you.Even though you are probably feeling so low and hopeless nothing may appeal-think of something you used to enjoy to do and make a firm plan for some time out the home every single week just for you and your needs-they are so important and deserve to be met.

If I were you I would organise to be out for the same time your OH is out each week, leaving him to care for your child. That’s only fair. Either that or you divorce him and he can take your child for half of the week to give you a break. He sounds incredibly selfish.

I really do think that your DH is taking the piss with his hobby. Between his hobby and your son how does your marriage function?

Could you give an idea of your location, perhaps we can suggest support or groups to help you.

Your DH does need to make time so that you have some time for you, even if it is for a walk or something like a cinema trip.

Could you employ a carer/companion to help at home, even a few hours a week would initially give you someone to talk to and overtime would become familiar to/with your DS with chance for you to have sometime for you.

How about support through a charity?

https://www.home-start.org.uk

This sounds extremely tough on you and very unfair. Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick I'm afraid to say, going out 5 times a week without a second thought for you.

You need time for yourself, and time with your partner.

Could you have counselling just for yourself for now? It might help crystallise how to approach it with your DH because you are right, you need to find a way to communicate with each other.

You are potentially about to be even more isolated and in need so it is important you have conversations soon.

I know you're really feeling it right now. Can you get through the holidays, get some time for youself this weekend, and then once DS is back at school you should have a bit more headspace. Prioritise your desires during this time. Reignite an old hobby of your own if you can and spend even just 15 minutes a day on it - start drawing, playing an instrument, something that maybe doesn't need you to leave the house so you can continue when you're on mat leave.

I also wondered that.

Does he never take care of your DS alone, with you not around at all? You desperately need time off to be able to climb out of this dark place. As a pp said, you are incredibly strong to be coping at all.

Sending you the biggest hug, OP. Honestly, my heart went out to you reading your thread. Your love for your DC shines through, but so does the toll of constantly putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own—and the impact that’s had on your self-esteem.

There are no quick fixes here, but I do think it’s essential to start prioritising your own needs and to expect far more from your DH in supporting you. If that feels hard to justify, frame it as a necessity: you need to be mentally well to care for your DC and your new baby.

What’s perhaps saddest is that your DH seems to be living a happy, full life—which everyone deserves—but you don’t feel able to share how this move has affected you. He needs to understand how much your world has shrunk, and how that’s impacting your sense of self, your role as a mother, and your hopes for your marriage.

You’ve listed plenty of valid, practical reasons why you can’t spend quality time as a couple—but I wonder if those are also serving as a shield, protecting you both from confronting the deeper issues in your marriage that neither of you want to confront?

If talking to him feels impossible right now, could you try writing him a letter instead? It might help you express everything clearly and calmly—especially if conversations tend to get shut down or go nowhere.

Would it be possible to explore returning to work before the baby arrives—or to set a goal of reentering employment 6–9 months postpartum? It might give you something of your own to focus on and remind you of your strengths. You clearly have so much to offer—intellectually, emotionally, and practically—and you deserve the chance to feel that again.

It might also be worth speaking to your GP about how low you’re feeling. Pregnancy hormones can definitely intensify emotions, but that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid—or that you should just push through without support. Depression in pregnancy is more common than people think, and you deserve help if you’re struggling.

Of course, your spouse shouldn’t be your sole source of fulfilment—but he should be one of them. It sounds like he’s meeting all his emotional needs outside the marriage, while you’re left feeling unsupported and unseen. And worst of all, he doesn’t seem willing to even talk about it.

You do sound incredibly low, and it’s heartbreaking. How much of your fear that he’s checked out or no longer interested might be rooted in how you’re seeing yourself right now?

Babies should never be used to fix relationships but I really hope your new little one brings you both joy, and easier parenting together.

This.

OP this sounds very difficult indeed. Your DH is carrying on as usual and you are picking up everything. This is not right or fair. Echo the other posters that I’d say you need more support, eg counselling individually (couples therapy to follow) and he can give up some nights of the hobby and you can reclaim some time for you.

unfortunately some men just ignore relationship problems until it becomes crisis (like my DH). I am also a Sen mum of two ND kids and my heart goes out to you, you sound really low and need help. Good luck and really hope things improve. Xx

I imagine that conversation about your needs “spiral into an attack” because your H is very conscious that he is not being fair, supportive, or kind here. I do think that any progress in your situation is dependent on him, really, and I wonder what would happen if you shocked him by going away on your own to a hotel or something for a few nights.

when I had my dc there was a birthing unit that encouraged women who already had kids to stay for up to a week, to bond with their baby and establish breastfeeding. I didn’t stay there but my friend did. Might there be an option like that for you? Some way of getting your H to step into your shoes so that he sees what your life is like while he goes out to his hobbies and see his friends?

And yes- relationship counselling might help you even if he won’t go (I imagine he doesn’t want to because as I said, he knows he isn’t behaving well or as a husband should towards his wife and he doesn’t want that articulated and laid out to him by someone who he can’t shout down or accuse of being hormonal).

Apologies no advice to give not already given on the relationship side of things… but on the work from home need. I am also looking for something of that sort and have found the Facebook group ‘work from home hub - UK’ really useful. If you are on TikTok ‘remoteworkwithceri’ is also another brilliant one xx

Sorry to reignite this, it feels like a good place to vent.

DH came back from his hobby last night & By some miracle I’d managed to get DS to sleep by 8.30 - these moments are vanishingly rare. I suggested we go to bed together (which would be the first time in upwards of a year) - but he wanted to stay up & play his game, he came to bed at 1.30.

I just feel so wretched, unappreciated & rejected. I thought it would be a good opportunity to be close & talk.

I know I should raise it, but it feels utterly pointless if playing his game features higher than being close to me - I don’t want to force him to be with me, and he probably would reluctantly spend time together through obligation- but it’s killing my self esteem.

We’ll have a baby in less than 6 weeks, and that will push us further apart. I hate caring about this relationship when he clearly doesn’t.

Oh OP I really feel for you and wish I had some advice. I grew up with a brother who has additional needs….my parents always wanted 3 children but when their third was my brother with Down’s syndrome they also decided to have an extra child, and that child was me! I loved growing up with my brother and I think it’s given me a different perspective on things.
i am truly shocked that your son can’t get respite…it is so sad how resources for those with LD have been run into the ground. Does your son go to a specialist school? I know my mum made all her closest friends through my brothers school.
in terms of when you have the new baby, I’ve managed to find a few cheap or free baby classes at my local library.
I really think you should talk to your husband about how much you are struggling. You need time for you too and he should really take on some responsibility in giving you a few hours a week to get out and about, have a break, maybe look for a class once you’ve had the baby thats just for you so you can meet other people.
I really hope things improve for you!

Is your husband ND? Is he perhaps using up all his social battery outside the house with others ?

that’s tough.

I think you need to text/message your DH what you wrote, how hurtful it is that he prioritised gaming over spending quality with you and that you feel unappreciated and unloved by him.

As soon as you can you need to have 2/3 evenings out a week. You need to find hobbies and activities as respite from the home & being a parent.

I agree that it’s worth telling him how hurtful that was for you. Ask him outright if he wants to be with you, and why, and how he imagines that looking. He may say he sees the two of you as colleagues in parenting- that’s how it sounds from what you describe- but at least you would know (and no answer or a fob-off would equal the same in my book). Then you can decide what to do going forward.

You need something in your life to lift you and bring you some joy. Maybe that could happen in this marriage, or in this co-parenting setup if that’s what it is now- or maybe leaving and being alone in a place better suited to YOU might be what gives you that opportunity.

As it is you’re exhausted and feeling sad. That’s no way to live a life.

Think really hard about whether this location is suiting - it might tick some boxes on paper but certainly is offering little support or outlets for you - and you matter

Thank you - I don’t think moving is an option - my entire friendship group is London based, and we can’t afford to get back into the market there, and it was so hard managing DS’ needs there.

we’ve also spent a lot of money adapting our current property for DS

For the poster who asked below - no, I’m pretty certain DH is not ND - he’s incredibly sociable, and has none of those traits I’d associate with being ND.

I really think I just have nothing to offer any more.

No. He is just being an arsehole. NOT your fault he can’t cope with the reality of family life. I’m so sorry. But DO NOT blame yourself.

I know. You feel trapped and it’s horrible to think it’s him…

But YOU need an outlet too and it’s harder rurally - I know…